Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Some oaf in North Carolina has persuaded a girl to marry him by writing a ridiculous book about a gorilla and a giraffe:
“We spend a lot of time going to zoos and the giraffes are her favourite part,” he explained. “I am clumsy and big like a gorilla, so I played off that in my writing.”
Looking at a picture of the fellow, I would say he is clumsy and big like an overweight human who has eaten too many donuts. He asked his girlfriend to read the book to him, the story being about a gorilla who woos a giraffe (hah!). He then confessed to being the author and got down on one knee to propose. Rather than spurning him for writing such tosh, the sentimental floozy consented to be his wife. Good luck to her – having made her bed she must lie in it, however lumpy it turns out to be.
Fortunately only ten copies of the book have been printed, which will limit the spread of its zoological delusions. It is physically impossible for a gorilla to mate with a giraffe. We aren’t even tall enough to perform oral sex on them. What’s more, those long-legged herbivores are notoriously cranky and will lash out at anyone who tries to molest them. Any gorilla foolish enough to approach one with a step ladder would end up with a hoof in his mouth.
On the subject of fanciful tales, it seems that Batman and Superman will be teaming up in a new movie. I worry about Batman getting an inferiority complex, given that he can’t fly or stop express trains by puffing-out his chest. The one place he could compete with Superman is in the boudoir. Imagine the sparks that would fly if he seduced Lois Lane – Superman, Catwoman and the Boy Wonder would all be seething with jealousy! Superman might then abandon his uptight sexual ethics and get some poontang for himself, preferably with a bad girl who’ll teach him all the tricks. A superhero ought to know what he’s doing when he’s pleasuring a woman.
Someone who might make a good mistress for Superman is a 46-year-old Russian woman who offered herself to her boyfriend on a flight of stairs. Unfortunately her head got stuck in the railings during the coupling, after which her cowardly and ungallant lover left her to fend for herself. A neighbour eventually found her naked on the staircase and called the emergency services.
I don’t know the woman’s name, but if someone sets up a charitable fund on her behalf I would make a generous donation. She evidently acted from the best of motives in trying to “spice things up” for her man. Her judgement may have been faulty, but I won’t condemn her for that. We all make mistakes.
I hope this mishap will convince her never to engage in such acts without a bottle of lube, which she could have used to grease the railings and free herself. Never be too proud to bring a bottle of lube with you.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Paris Hilton says she was only pretending to be an airhead in the TV show she used to star in. She must be a very good actress. To be fair, I only ever saw one episode of The Simple Life. Maybe I would have spotted the brainy woman behind the dumb blonde façade if I’d been a regular viewer. The problem she has now, of course, is ridding herself of the stupid bimbo image she created as a cloak for her towering intellect. At the age of 32, it’s probably too late for her to compete in a spelling bee.
Perhaps people would believe she was a smartypants if she taught her toy-boy lover to do something clever. River Viiperi is a 21-year-old model who looks harder to train than the chimpanzee I hired to fan me during the hot season. If Paris could teach him to recite the alphabet backwards, we’d know she had the mental agility to educate someone stupider than herself. Dog-trainers have won acclaim for similar feats.
However much tuition Paris gives her new boyfriend, he will never be as clever as the Pacu fish. This cunning marine carnivore has developed a taste for men’s testicles, which are easy meat in open seas. The creature was recently seen off the southern coast of Sweden, where nude swimming is a popular pastime.
"They bite because they're hungry, and testicles sit nicely in their mouth,” explained Henrik Carl, a fish expert at the Danish museum.
In the interests of health and safety, the Swedes should restrict their coastal waters to women, girls and eunuchs. Anyone else who wants to swim in the ocean should go to the Black sea, where hungry marine predators only have eyes for fat Russian ladies.
Another animal that’s been terrorising humans is the giant African land snail, which has invaded Florida, covering the pavements and walls with slime and excrement.
“They're huge, they move around, they look like they're looking at you,” said Denise Feiber of the Florida Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services.
All of this is true, but that’s no reason to fear them. Having encountered these snails on many occasions, let me assure the jittery residents of Florida that they can’t outrun a human. Just pick them up by the shell and give them to the nearest Frenchman with a barbecue. Problem solved.
Sometimes, of course, humans deserve to be intimidated by a member of the animal kingdom. I’m thinking particularly of an obnoxious pack of infants at Dallas Zoo, who shouted insults at a gorilla from behind a glass partition. The gorilla pretended to ignore their taunts before suddenly lunging at the glass to scare the living daylights out of them.
Now it’s not the job of a gorilla to discipline human children, however brattish they are. But if their parents won’t stop them from behaving like yahoos, one has to expect consequences. If a child annoyed in my circus days, I would grab its hand and force it to pick the nose of a clown who enjoyed that sort of thing.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
A correspondent asks me why I haven’t commented on the strange case of a young man who is attracted to girls who break wind:
“I can’t think of anyone better qualified to offer an expert opinion,” he wrote. “You gorillas are constantly farting.”
This peculiar mixture of flattery and exaggeration deserved a curt response. We gorillas discharge gas from our bowels regularly, not continuously, and these emissions do not in themselves make us an authority on the subject. There are many things in life which are done reflexively with the minimum of philosophising.
“I have no interest in human fart fetishes,” I wrote in reply. “My flatulence is released into the open air, preferably when a stiff wind is blowing.”
He left me this link, which I ignored for a good twenty minutes until curiosity got the better of me. It makes fascinating reading. The young man in question is a 22-year-old from Illinois called ‘Brad’, who has a degree in fine arts. He became aware of his unusual fancy in high school, when a girl he had a crush on broke wind in class:
“This blew my mind,” he said. “Prior to that, I’d never really considered it. I knew by simple biology that girls farted, but hearing that the girl I had been fawning over was capable of such a thing sparked a strange interest in me.”
A British psychologist has written a paper about Brad in an academic journal:
“Eproctophiles are said to spend an abnormal amount of time thinking about farting and flatulence and have recurring intense sexual urges and fantasies involving farting and flatulence,” explained Professor Mark Griffiths of Nottingham University.
I’m sure most of my readers will find the idea of being turned on by farts repulsive, but look at it from another point of view. How liberating for a girl to go on a date where she doesn’t have worry about her effusions and could happily order a side dish of re-fried beans. She'd just relax her colon and let the conversation flow, with the occasional interruption from a ladylike ‘parp’. Let’s hope Brad finds a flatulent young female who will fart in his face until the cows come home. A match made in heaven it would certainly be.
I’d be interested to know what Lady Gaga thinks about eproctophilia. The young diva recently starred in a spooky promotional video for a campaign to build a new art institute. It is full of arcane rituals, such as wearing a blindfold with horns sprouting from the eyes, bending over naked in a forest, and hugging a block of ice (or is it quartz crystal?) while naked. I don’t know what it means, but I’m sure the new art institute is as a good as built. No one messes with the occult if they want a quiet life.
The question I’d like you to consider is whether a woman who performs such outlandish deeds could possibly be ashamed (or even coy) about breaking wind? If anyone could make farting fashionable, it’s got to be Lady Gaga.
Wednesday, August 07, 2013
Apps with benefits
A cheeky baboon asks me if I have the Bang with Friends app on my smartphone.
“In the first place, I don't have a smartphone," I reply with casual haughtiness. "And in the second place, the app would be redundant, because I never bang with friends. Such behaviour inevitably causes discombobulation, which upsets one's mental equilibrium. Begone, you cheeky baboon!”
After doing some research, I discover that the app is not quite as bad as it sounds. The “friends” whose banging it facilitates are actually “Facebook friends”, which usually means some stranger who gave your second cousin a manicure. I have never met most of my Facebook friends, which is just as well. I’m sure a good many of them would become my enemies if I did.
So “Bang with Friends” actually means “copulate with a stranger who’s as horny as you are and doesn’t want any complications”. Not an entirely respectable pastime, but far less disruptive than banging a real friend. These facts notwithstanding, the makers of the app are being sued by another company for theft of intellectual property rights. Since when has playing the pander been intellectual property, I’d like to know? I hope this jealous lawsuit gets kicked out of court for tortious interference.
On the subject of sex with strangers, a silly girl has got some undeserved attention by asking random men whether they’d like to have sex with her. Apparently, a lot of them said “yes” without even checking whether she was in oestrus.
Now, there’s nothing clever about filming frisky young bucks making fools of themselves. The manager of the safari camp, being a frisky old buck, said they should have responded to her proposition with another question, such as:
• Can I see you naked first?
• Is your father a policeman?
• Would you like to sit on my face?
I couldn’t resist asking my old circus buddy, Smacker Ramrod, how he would have replied to such an offer. He said that as a happily married man he would have politely declined by pleading impotence:
“Would that I were able, my dear woman, but unfortunately my testicles were crushed like chestnuts in a bicycle accident,” is the form of words he suggested.
You’ve got to love his old school gentlemanly manners. It’s high time it was taught to the younger generation, whose uncouth behaviour has been exemplified by an unfortunate incident on a BBC breakfast show. It seems that the camera panned to a photo of Prince William that had been crudely defaced by cartoon doodles, one of which depicted a penis sprouting from his royal forehead.
Even if Prince William were in fact a dickhead (which is by no means certain), scribbling on one of his photographs is not a genteel way of making the point. A well-bred pamphleteer would have composed a short poem advancing the proposition and hired a jester to read it to the crowds outside Buckingham Palace. There’s always a civilised way of arguing your case, however strongly you feel about it.