Wednesday, August 21, 2013

False impressions

Paris Hilton says she was only pretending to be an airhead in the TV show she used to star in. She must be a very good actress. To be fair, I only ever saw one episode of The Simple Life. Maybe I would have spotted the brainy woman behind the dumb blonde façade if I’d been a regular viewer. The problem she has now, of course, is ridding herself of the stupid bimbo image she created as a cloak for her towering intellect. At the age of 32, it’s probably too late for her to compete in a spelling bee.

Perhaps people would believe she was a smartypants if she taught her toy-boy lover to do something clever. River Viiperi is a 21-year-old model who looks harder to train than the chimpanzee I hired to fan me during the hot season. If Paris could teach him to recite the alphabet backwards, we’d know she had the mental agility to educate someone stupider than herself. Dog-trainers have won acclaim for similar feats.

However much tuition Paris gives her new boyfriend, he will never be as clever as the Pacu fish. This cunning marine carnivore has developed a taste for men’s testicles, which are easy meat in open seas. The creature was recently seen off the southern coast of Sweden, where nude swimming is a popular pastime.

"They bite because they're hungry, and testicles sit nicely in their mouth,” explained Henrik Carl, a fish expert at the Danish museum.

In the interests of health and safety, the Swedes should restrict their coastal waters to women, girls and eunuchs. Anyone else who wants to swim in the ocean should go to the Black sea, where hungry marine predators only have eyes for fat Russian ladies.

Another animal that’s been terrorising humans is the giant African land snail, which has invaded Florida, covering the pavements and walls with slime and excrement.

“They're huge, they move around, they look like they're looking at you,” said Denise Feiber of the Florida Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services.

All of this is true, but that’s no reason to fear them. Having encountered these snails on many occasions, let me assure the jittery residents of Florida that they can’t outrun a human. Just pick them up by the shell and give them to the nearest Frenchman with a barbecue. Problem solved.

Sometimes, of course, humans deserve to be intimidated by a member of the animal kingdom. I’m thinking particularly of an obnoxious pack of infants at Dallas Zoo, who shouted insults at a gorilla from behind a glass partition. The gorilla pretended to ignore their taunts before suddenly lunging at the glass to scare the living daylights out of them.

Now it’s not the job of a gorilla to discipline human children, however brattish they are. But if their parents won’t stop them from behaving like yahoos, one has to expect consequences. If a child annoyed in my circus days, I would grab its hand and force it to pick the nose of a clown who enjoyed that sort of thing. 

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I always thought "The Simple Life" was a great show. I think if Paris would have concentrated on being a comedienne instead of partying and making secks tapes, she probably wouldn't have ended up in jail. Stupid people usually don't know they're stupid, so her denials don't count for a whole lot, though as you point out...I don't know what can be done at her age to prove the caliber of her intellect. As for the gorilla who tried to eat the bratty children's testicles, I covered that story in my blog weeks ago, so that is not news to me.
I might love that gorilla. LOVE.
Re: the Pacu fish.
Sometimes you feel like a nut...
I still want my money and time back for having gone to see House Of Wax. An actress Paris ain't. She could do with some acting lessons from a trained chimp, or a slightly slow two-year-old.
I'm a little bit under-caffeinated this morning but if I read correctly, the Hilton in Paris has turned into a Scandinavian fish and is eating the glass testicles of male-child gorillas. This is appalling. Is the Moldovian High Commission doing anything to stop it?
Forget training her boyfriend, maybe Paris ought to try training the Pacu fish... from their natural behaviour it sounds like she'll have a head-start.

As for the kids from Dallas, my sense of humour fails me. They need a good slap from a silverback.
Jimmy: Is she ever intentionally funny, Jimmy? There's a fine line between a comedienne and a stupid bimbo that people laugh at. I knew I'd read the gorilla story in another blog - thanks for reminding me it was yours.

Megly: In a platonic way, I hope. We don't approve of inter-species eroticism in this blog.

Al: I prefer vegetarian ones myself. Someone should buy that fish a bag of peanuts.

HermanTurnip: I never realised she'd acted in a movie. Apparently, she won't the Worst Supporting Actress award for that performance.

Sit Hutson: I don't know where the glass testicle came from. Do you own one yourself?

Steve: Yes, the fish might be a better boyfriend if she could train it to control its appetite. Those Dallas brats should be forced to pick Boris Becker's nose.
I saw Paris Hilton performing in a video once. She sucked
The older she gets, the more homely Paris becomes. Cosmic payback for being mean to people.

Are you drawing a thread between Paris, testicle sucking and slime? A well-played theme!
Hard to say, Gorilla. If you'd ever seen episodes of "The Simple Life", Nicole and her could be quite funny horsing around together. Whether cracking up your best friend is enough to qualify one to be a professional court jester... that is a matter for the Council of Apes to wrestle with.
never saw the simple life but i'd rather watch her than those fat arsed kardashians.
I can only deduct from this that Paris, desiring to become more intelligent, has developed the capability of consuming the brain of others. I further assert that this ability must only allow her to consume the brain of persons little intelligent than she. This would explain the 21 year old.

As for the Pacu fish, that's probably where she got the idea. I would be willing to bet she had testicles in her mouth at some point in time.

I won't say anything about the snails or the gorilla as you have clearly documented the situation and the solution on both.
Are you suggesting that Ms Hilton BA, MA, PHd, ARSE, NIT-WIT, and WC, is somehow related to a Pacu Fish? Gobble, gobble, gobble.
It used to be in the old days, if you wanted to bring a new species to a foreign land, you had to hop on a boat for three months. Now it's easy to bring foreign entities into virgin locale, wreaking havoc on the environment. The zebra mussel has been terrorizing the Great Lakes for years.

However, if you think about it, we are just going back to our origins of Pangea, when everything lived on one huge land mass, leaving slime and defecation from sea to shining sea.
Nota Bene: Yes, she's been known to suck. What was she trying to perform in the video?

Exile: "Homely" is a wonderful word used by polite Americans of the old school. An officer of the Union Army described Abraham Lincoln as "homely". I wasn't trying to link Paris to the fish and the mollusc, but I'll happily take credit for any confluence of these themes.

Jimmy: Now you've made me want to watch re-runs of the show. The Council of Apes would give her a fair hearing, unless you're referring to the one chaired by Dr Zaius. It would disappoint me if you were referring to that one.

Billy: You could be right. I think Paris has greater potential as an entertainer.

David: Haha, I'd feel sorry for the kid if what little grey matter he has was being extracted by Paris for her own benefit. But maybe having his balls sucked by her would be adequate compensation.

Cro Magnon: I never realised she had so many qualifications. She ought to apply for a tenured position. We are all related to the fish if you go back far enough.

Chris: Who would have thought that the humble zebra mussel that could cause such havoc? I'm assuming it's humble because it's a mussel, but I don't know that for a fact.
Gorilla, very funny! You are on a roll tonight.
Pretending my arse
I saw the video of that gorilla getting the last laugh. You could have included it, but I think the picture is better because you know he is about to make his move.

But maybe you could have included Paris' video? The one in the dark?

I'm just glad you didn't paste in the fish biting off testicles.
I wonder if the gorilla at any point thought perhaps that the children that were taunting him belong in a zoo rather than him?

As for Paris, with her successful perfume & handbag line she's quite the savvy business woman.
It's been nice to not have to read/hear about Paris, since other dumbass women have taken the spotlight (Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Byrnes, Kim K...)

From Paris to Pacu, African snails to Frenchmen in one, easy-flowing short essay - the hallmark of an orthographically-gifted simian.Thanks for the laugh. I've only just realized the link between Ms Hilton and the Pacu, although I'm not sure in whose mouth I'd prefer my testicles to rest. I know the Pacu would be oh his way once sated, as for Paris...I can just imagine the torture of having her around permanently :(
David: Thank you, Sir! "Float like butterfly, roll like ball" is my motto.

John: I detect a hint of scepticism in your arse.

Dr Ken: The video is in the link, Dr Ken. I wouldn't deprive my readers of high-quality action like that. I haven't seen the Paris video. Is she capable of high-quality action?

Cocaine Princess: The gorilla must have thought the children belonged in a baboon colony. I wonder if women who buy her perfume and handbags think they're French.

Robyn: You mean you didn't miss her, Robyn? Isn't she more amusing than the Kardashians?

Joe: I'm very glad you liked it, although I can't say the connections were deliberate. I'll take credit for the free-flowing quality, though. I like to flow as freely as the Congo River. You're a brave man to prefer no-balls to a tea-bagging from Paris. don't.
Almond Joy's got nuts.
Mounds don't.
Misappropriating a commercial jingle for my own selfish ends.
I'm such a renegade.
You make a good point, you often hear people's behavior being compared to a a baboon. "Quit acting like a baboon!"
Hilton does a very good act as a moron, and I think she'd be streching her "acting envelope" if she tried for cretin.

OI!...the Pacu fish is fresh water, and even though the waters off Sweden are very pure, they're stile of too high a salinity to let the poor wee fish survive.

If people read this and try to introduce the little piscine bast*rd to these waters, they'll kill them.

i don't know GB, i am not a fan of Paris HIlton but i do think she's quite enterprising. her bags are ugly but her shoes are okay.
her marketing strategy may require her to be stupid but i suppose it's been working well for her. all that publicity, bad or good.

maybe they ought to release some of these Pacu fish in the lakes around mumbai and delhi considering the rape and molestation cases we hear from those areas everyday.
Al: That's a jingle? The tune must be very catchy to compensate for the lyrics.

Cocaine Princess: Unfortunately that rebuke doesn't work if you're talking to a real baboon.

TS Bastard: I don't believe a ball-chewing fish can't handle salt water. How did it get from South America to Sweden?

Jaya: She must be a good businesswoman if people buy shoes associated with her. Are they her fans? The fish could be used to punish sex offenders (and stop them from re-offending).
LOL Boy, you make me laugh!
I do not think Paris Hilton will ever convince me that she has smarts!
My favourite thing about this is that you managed to link Paris Hilton to Giant snails x
I think Paris Hilton should be put in a zoo. It would be interesting to see how she survived the ordeal. Maybe sh would start eating mens testicles...wait... hasn't she already done that?

Rose: It's not an easy proposition to sell, Rose. She'll need to get a degree astrophysics.

Scarlett: It's difficult to think about one without thinking about the other, Scarlett.

Juliette: Haha, recreating her natural habitat in a cage would take a lot of work. Eating testicles would put hair on her chest, and the shaving of her boobs could be an event for visitors to watch.

TS Bastard: Safer to swim, I think.
We frequent our local zoo. Several months ago I had stopped for a coffee before we went and had it with me when we went to visit the large, handsome, silver back. Don't worry GB, he will never replace you. I was completely amazed when he got up from his favorite corner and came right up to the glass and stared at my coffee! Then at me! Then again at my coffee!! This is a gorilla who mostly enjoys picking at his gorilla parts and then smelling his fingers... Apparently coffee ranks right up there with ass for gorillas? Or is it only gorillas in captivity? Please enlighten GB.
I'm quite partial to a cup, Auri, but I wouldn't make it so obvious that I wanted the one you were sipping. 'Thou shalt not covet a lady's coffee' is a commandment we follow in the jungle. Maybe we could share an extra large one?
Quite enlightening... I'd share my large dirty Chai with you any day GB. The perfect mixture of coffee and tea. In fact, I think I'll order one tomorrow morning and give them the name "GB"- just to be able to hear the barista call our your name in my small corner of the world.
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