Monday, January 29, 2007

The unbendable cop

I only found out last month that Jack Lord, the saturnine star of Hawaii-Five-0, passed away in 1998. I suppose it’s too late send flowers and a condolence card. Who could ever forget that moment in the opening credits when the camera zooms in on the resolute face of Steve McGarrett, standing tall on the uppermost balcony of the Ilikai Hotel? It was a sight to give any watching crooks the willies – and possibly a touch of vertigo as well.

Those dynamic opening shots – the big wave, the high-speed zoom, the wiggling hips – were perfectly synchronised to perhaps the most thrilling
theme music in television history. Quite rightly, the tune was reprised in the closing sequence featuring burly Polynesian oarsmen heaving away in their canoe. When tourists ask me what to do if a crocodile approaches their rowboat, I tell them to paddle like the blazes while dah-dahing the Hawaii-Five-0 theme. It never fails to add a couple of knots to your speed, which can make the difference between a lightning flight and a frightening bite. The Eton Boating Song is a nursery rhyme for lethargic sea slugs by comparison.

The show itself was good clean entertainment. Everyone has their own favourite episode – I’ll never forget the one in which the ‘Five-0’ team snare an obnoxious neo-Nazi plotter. When the would-be Reichsprotektor of Honolulu is finally spreadeagled, McGarrett solemnly declares:

“Leave him to me Danno, I’ll read him his rights myself.”

They don’t write lines like that anymore. Nabbing the bad guy was never enough for McGarrett – he always had to make an apt final remark to reinforce the moral of the story. “How many rights would a suspect have under a Nazi regime?” is the entirely valid point he was making. I bet any watching neo-Nazis must have felt like utter chumps.

The secret of McGarrett’s success was his total dedication to the cause of law-enforcement. Leading the ascetic life of the brahmacharya, all his virile energy went into ridding Hawaii of the mobsters and villains who infested her beaches and boulevards like multiplying head-lice. There was an episode in which McGarrett did have a love affair (with a woman), but this was obviously a clumsy attempt to prove he wasn’t gay. The stupid producers didn’t realise that: (a) no genuine fans of the show gave a hoot that McGarrett was celibate and (b) it is literally impossible to prove that anyone is not gay. Forcing him to kiss a woman simply undermined his dignity while making everyone wonder if he’d rather be kissing Danno.

Although McGarrett was undoubtedly the alpha male of Five-0, I personally identified with Chin Ho, whose thickset physique was closest to that of a gorilla. You could always rely on Chin to do the sensible thing, unlike pretty-boy Danno who was constantly getting into trouble. When I was a young circus ape, I used to take a starting pistol in both hands and aim it at the nearest mirror, shouting “CHIN! FIVE-0!”. Believe me, I was such a fearsome sight that I scared myself.

The deeper message of Hawaii-Five-0 is that even the most affluent and idyllic of human commonwealths will have its fair share of malefactors who prey on the innocent. Paradise on Earth is not for homo sapiens, hence the need for incorruptible lawmen who devote their lives to putting the rogues behind bars. Sneer not at Steve McGarrett, O featherbrained human sheep! He gave up sex that you might live.

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Oh, yes, the theme tune. Nearly as good as The Sweeney ( Na na nah, na na nah, na na nah, nah na na na na na na na nah) but with more sea.
Chin was your favourite GB? You must have been heartbroken in the one where he gets killed by the bad guys. I think the murderers got caught by Stevo in the next episode.
I always used to laugh at the opening credits where it said "Kam Fong as Chin Ho". I don't know why. The Chinese probably think Steve McGarrett is a funny name.

Everything else I know about Hawaii is thanks to The Bobbsey Twins in Volcano Land, a wholesome children's storybook given to me by an American relative when I was a . Comes in handy at quiz nights.
When I was a child, I meant to say.
I knew Jack way back when he was Felix Leiter in 'Dr. No'. During filming that oaf Connery put the moves on his wife Marie; Jack took exception and put the Hibernian dullard on his backside. He was never asked back. Cubby Broccoli offered me the role but I refused due to my commitment to my one-man show 'Angel-leg: The Jasper Goodballoon Story'.

Hindsight is a terrible thing.
Once again Mr Gorilla Bananas, once again.
Hawaii Five - O and Star Trek when colour TV came out was like a night at the pictures for us young Maroons.
Steve's hair wasn't just black it had that authentic American blue-blackness that only Technicolor [rip] could give.
I cannot remember a single plot, just that it was glamorous and that it was better than the Basil Brush Show.
Good call GB.
I'll be humming the theme tune all day now.
I gave you na's, and you reject them? How rude!
Gadzooks - no wonder Seen Canary got the boot from being Jiminy Band. No good being a superspy if anyone can walk over, bop you on the nose and your arse hits the deck with a resounding thud.

Not so sure about dissing Basil Brush though - I'll admit the moron alongside the Brush was a twit.
Hadn't made the Felix Leiter connection before. It seems so obvious now. But based on that, there is no need to mourn his death as he will certainly have been reincarnated, quite possibly with a different ethnicity.
In defiance of my age, I have never seen the show... though my friends and I often use the theme music as an underscore for many of our jokes.
I suppose I'm just not much of a cops and robbers fan, is all.
Hawaii sounds nice though, and even better knowing that there are (or at least were) fictional good guys out there keeping the streets safe for the underserving folk like me.
Now didn't that just bring back memories.

Mr Bananas, I'm with you on this - homo sapiens could definitely do with more dashing Steve McGarrets - straight or gay. I have only one worry, you don't think a certain Shrub possibly thinks he's playing McGarret already, saving the planet from the fate of so many bad guys?
No idea what you are talking about. At all. But I am only a young thing. . .
Connery is a terrible, terrible man. Ungainly, crass and vulgar - he accused me of being each of these at one time or another. Bloody idiot!
When I want to add a couple of knots to my speed, I hum the theme tune from the TV show "Mission Impossible." Thanks, though, for the tip on the Hawaii Five-0 theme as it's much bouncier.
Was it 'Book him Danno' 'Book him Daniel' or just 'Book him'?
I think the poor love developed Alzheimers. He wsa s sweetie.
And what about his quiff? Nobody did it better.
Agree Connery is a bit of an oaf!
I loved the programme but can't remember a single plotline. Still, I have an extensive knowledge of "Lost in Space" and Dr Zachery Smith was a role model for young frobisher
Dr Maroon, I can't understand why other shows haven't tried to copy the high-speed zoom in the opening credits. How about getting the PR people at your firm to zoom into Maroon standing atop a Roll-Royce WR-21?

Minx: Sam will probably say you should have given me a 'nana'.

Spanish Goth, it says in his biography that Jack won an American Football scholarship, so he must have been a tough nut.

Baron, I'd like to think he's come back as a mahatma, but unfortunately we don't know enough about his karma.

Fin, the show itself would look quite dated, but you're not a real American if you haven't seen the opening credits.

Atyllah, much as I admire McGarrett I will always be a Chin Ho ape. Chin had that calm oriental quality. Singapore TV should have made their own version of the show with Lee Kwan Yew in the McGarrett role.

Miss Drama Queen, I'd like for us to watch a whole episode together with you sitting on my hairy knee (assuming you're not too heavy!).

Mr Goodballoon, you aren't Connery's ex-wife, are you?

MJ, glad to have helped, but it only really works with a paddle in your hands.

Pi, everyone remembers it as "Book 'em Danno", but it may just have been "Book 'em".

Frobisher, Haha! I'd be truly impressed if you were capable of being as deviously camp as Zachary Smith.
I admit it. I was too young. I never saw it. Know the theme music...but only as a source of annoyance. Watched Punky Brewster, though. That girl did for high top tennis shoes what Sarah Jessica Parker has done for 3-inch heels. Bless them. Bless them both. The end.
I had a feeling you'd say that, Kara. It'll have to be you on my left knee and Drama Queen on my right one. The theme music is only annoying when high school bands play it. Did you click on the link to hear the original version?
I spent a period trying to lip read them saying stuff in the titles. I think I was rather crazy.
Dear Mr Ape,
It has come to our attention that your comments box is currently hoarding over and above the recommended number of Anonymous. We would therefore ask you to let some of these poor nameless souls go and refrain from keeping quite so many in the future.
Anonymi are reticent creatures, lacking in wit, imagination and, err, name.
Should you continue to fill your comments box with Anonymouses, the Society will have no alternative but to issue you with a mild foot stamping and a polite smack across the chops.

Sincerely yours

Captain Godzilla Bandanas
Perhaps I should recommend that theme tune to the erudite fellows of the Cambridge rowing team so that they might finally vanquish those oxford bred chumps.

But then again, perhaps there is an unspoken rule amogst these folk that such a mighty melody of inspiration shalt not be used, and insipid outsiders like myself shall be beaten for raising such issues in public.

I shall take a big stick to the halls of residence and find out.

Literally impossible to prove someone is not gay?

So, by that rationale, it is completely possible to prove that someone IS gay.

I'm not so sure...
The comments went anonymous after I was forced to switch to the new version of blogger. I can remember who said what and hopefully you'll be able to sign in as before.

If this Godzilla person has a blogger account, he must come clean at once (I have the power to delete you, Sir).

Mutley, was it the oarsmen you were trying to lip-read? In any event, you were indeed crazy.

Mosha, I'm glad you brought up the Oxbridge boat race. What a pathetic sight those lumbering oaves are, pulling their oars into their crotches, compared with the Hawaiian warrior-boatmen. It would be sacrilege for either Oxbridge team to hum the Five-0 music. Let them strain away to some silly college chant.
I was too little too. I remember the music floating up from downstairs as a child but I was usually under the bedclothes with only a torch and a Puffin and the wide world at my feet.

The few times I did have a peep at it, everybody just looked very sweaty to me.

But your lap is already full with the other two Hawaii Five-Eh? ladies. Alas! Too late have I come to the feast! Perhaps I could press upon you for leftovers?

Too bawdy? Hmm. That'll be the ... I have no excuse. Just feeling like a bit of a bawdy bint this evening.
Your statcounter will show up the moaning anonymous git, surely?
And that would be Ma'am to you!
What did you do to that puffin with the torch? [flashlight in American] Interogate him?
Being even more cleverer than what you was, I had pelicans and an angle poise lamp.
Trump that if ye dare problemchildbrideakawirepeach!
Ahh I did wonder what happened to my comment. I can assure you I am very light, I'll come sit on your hairy knee and feed you bananas. . .
I never saw Hawii 5-0.

But for the first time in my, life I'm beginning to wish I had
I don't know whether you like Rock Music, Mr Bananas, but I thought you might appreciate this 70's tribute to Hawaii 5-0 by Radio Birdmen called Aloha Steve & Danno
Shouldn't that be AnonyMICE, Cap'n Godzilla?

Those Hawaiian canoes were called outriggers. They were the precursors of catamarans. You can thank the Bobbsey Twins for that valuable piece of information.

The mad medics brass band who played the Christmas market did the theme tune justice. Then again, we'd been on the banjos so would have danced to anything. Yes OF COURSE we all did the surfing dance.
Not so anonny mouse Goth says -> it was an obligatory "Book 'em Danno!" at the end of each episode. Apparently, Magnum PI only came out because some oaf forgot to load the equipment in the boat and take it off the island. Wow - the things you cqan learn when you Wiki stuff....
Coo - nearly bumped into Daffers there - again......a whisker on my chinny chin chin away
Sam, what a pity your parents didn't let you watch. There was definitely no hanky-panky in it.

Minx, I suspect he is one of Harry Hutton's clowns, possibly Mr Richard Head, who recently made a snide remark about this blog. And yes, I know you are a lay-dee, ma'am.

Queenie, you sure know how to excite an ape.

Freelance, the opening credits alone are worth watching.

Colonial boy, I couldn't tell it was a tribute until they started playing the 5-0 theme. Was that a Cockney Australian accent they were singing in?

Lady Daphne, I'm not sure what the surfing dance is. Does it involve wiggling the hips?

Spanish Goth, I liked Magnun, but they shouldn't have made it so easy for him to attract babes. That takes away the excitement.

Note that all comments on this blog are given a date but not a time. I don't approve of people snooping into each other's daily routines without consent. Let's not have any sly humans in this part of the jungle!
I am obviously far too young to remember h 5 o , but it sounds almost as good as Murder she Wrote
A likely story Beast.
Ah the memories ... thanks for this! Wow - McGarrett, the music, "Book him; Murder One." Great. Why don't they re-run them?
Steve McGarrett was a fine human being. In many ways, he reminded me of Stoney Burke, and that's saying something.
I was talking about the original version. Ventures, right? Yeah, I've heard it...not my scene. Too much brass. I like my brass to be subtle.
Mr Ape,
please do not take offence at my concern for unprotected and vulnerable Anonymouses.
The Minx has emailed me to put me in my place but I don't take much notice of her as she has been known, in times past, to impersonate the Blog Police.

And, umm, Daphne, you sound like my sort of pedantic gel - fancy a G&T sometime?
Are you implying that McGarrett was some kind of reactionary, Bock?

You're not making a good impression here, Captain. Baiting other commenters is trollish behaviour. You are on probation.
Coming in late, GB, but thought I'd mention that in the mid to late 1970's when I was a tenor sax player in the Herculaneum, Missouri High School Marching Band, the theme from that program for our football halftime shows.

Good times.

Good times.
posts like these show up your age GB. You're one middle aged gorilla ;)
In response to this song by Radio Birdman Mr Bananas said:
Colonial boy, I couldn't tell it was a tribute until they started playing the 5-0 theme. Was that a Cockney Australian accent they were singing in?

The band is Australian, although the lead singer, Dennis Tek, is an American. I didn't think that his hybrid accent was that impenetrable but here are the lyrics so your can appreciate the tribute to Hawaii 5-0 :

"Got to get a line to Danno.
Got to pick up his gun.
Get out an APB.
Chinn is going to tell you why.

Government says it's high priority.
Washington say's so too.
Tell him to get here fast.
5-0's on the move.

Steve I gotta say Thank You,
For all you've done for me.
The nights are dark and lonley,
When you're not on TV.

There's an agent in the field.
I wanna have him tailed.
He's staying at the Hilton.
He should be staying in a Gaol.

He's working for the KGB,
And here's his dossier.
The Feds won't be happy,
If this guy gets away.


Don't talk about espionage.
Hands on a bale of White.
Steve is one cool guy.
Danno's gonna tell you why.

Steve and Danno, they made the scene.
The agent had done his deed.
They saw the stiff; They saw the gun.
They said "Book him, Danno, murder one!"


Book him, Danno, murder one!

GB: why were you forced to change to betta blogger. Was it to keep up with the Joneses?
I'm still old hat. I don't understand.
What is the 'middle-age' for a gorilla? My lack-of-knowledge has shown it's gnarled face once more and I must claim ignorance as to the mighty and proud beast's lifespan. I am, however, an expert on cats which can last up to 18 on my estate outside of the hunting season.
You are cracked. And hello.
Randall: Wikipedia says that the tune was a favourite of high school bands, so there must be many like you.

Saaleha: "..if not older" you should have added.

Colonial boy: Thanks for that. I can now see they were true fans of the show.

Pi: It's not called 'beta' any more, it's just new blogger. I was forced to convert when I logged into the dashboard. I'm glad I delayed until the last moment.

Jasper: I take an elixir called 'hornet jism' that extends my lifespan. For me, middle-aged is around 86.

Annie: Hi there, you sexy Viking princess! You can mend my cracks anytime you like, preferably while we're bathing in one of those hot springs of your native land.
I seem to recall many other cop shows from that period.. most of them featured cars racing down an alleyway full of cardboard boxes. Apart from 'Longstreet'. He was the blind detective and, as such, didn't really go in for car chases.

I liked Frank Cannon though. He weighed 800 pounds but he could disguise himself by wearing a hat. Genius.
Oh, it's all "hornet jism this" this and "hornet jism that" these days. What's wrong with standard, common or garden jism? Or posh jism? Either will do.

Christ, I'm tired.
when Mr Goodballoon mentioned 'a proud Beast' did he mean me ?????
Asym42: I used to feel sorry for Cannon, but apparently he was huge with the "wheezy-divorcee-sex-doll-using" demographic. And with everyone else, of course.

Jasper: You sound it. We gorillas favour insect-based products.

Beast: For your sake, I hope not.
A reactionary? Stoney Burke was among the finest of men, short-lived though his series might have been. Length isn't everything. After all, didn't Captain Pike make a lasting impression though he had but a single pilot episode in which to do so?
Were you in Smokey and the Bandit??
Don't tell him Pike!

Your fame is spreading Mr Gorilla Bananas, I wonder if it is because of your wonderful book? Mine never arrived, but then I notice that my account was not debited either, which makes me think that I may have made a complete bollocks of the thing. I'm retrying with me switch card.
Bock, we're at crossed purposes. I thought you meant the comedian rather than the fictional cowboy.

Mutley, I auditioned for the part of Buford T Justice but didn't get it.

Dr Maroon, I'm sure it's not the book. I'll send a couple of copies to Kim Ayres if he'll agree.
Are you saying that Stoney Burke wasn't real?
Then that was you in "Gorillas in the Mist" - did you really feel her tit?
I was checking her for breast cancer. How about telling us about your own career, Mutley? Dick Dastardly must have been a sweet guy to work with, but didn't it hurt when he pinned those medals to your chest?
"escaped being sodomised by a stalker."

This sums up my life ... sob ... sob.

I wanted to be sodomised but he kept escaping!! The cunt!
What a great post. I am a life long ventures fan.They are gods in Japan. Jack lord as Danno was great. Traci lords stole his last name for her persona..Book em danno.. ventures 1964 doing Five-0
Lieutenant Colobus if your reading these pages why don't you sod off.

Get a grip on yourself son.
Mild Colonial:Rob Younger was the vocalist and he is Australian. Rob co-wrote the song with M. Stevens and Dennis Tek
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