Monday, May 12, 2008

Indian heatwave

I hear that the teaming masses of India are rioting because of the hot weather. Someone should tell them that rioting only makes you hotter. Far better to relax beneath the shade of a leafy tree while being fanned by your personal attendant. Who could ever forget those leg-stretching lyrics sung by the sultry Ursula Andress?

Underneath the mango tree

Me honey and me

Dah dah dah dah doo

Female gorillas are not cut out to be fanners, so I usually hire a chimpanzee to pull the punkah. One must do one’s bit to create jobs and discourage idle hands from mischievous deeds. How do I occupy myself while being fanned? If I’m in the mood, I toot out melodies on my recorder while shaking a pair of maracas with my feet. We gorillas are well-equipped to be solo artists.

It seems that the Indians are furious about being subjected to lengthy power cuts. There simply isn’t enough wattage to keep the burgeoning number of electric fans whirring for 24 hours a day. That’s what happens in a booming emerging economy – people who once made do with the odd gust of breeze now expect to have non-stop ventilation. Enraged householders have stripped to their underwear and taken to the streets, abusing and harassing local officials. It’s a tactic that’s causing much commotion, given that the sight of Indian men in their chuddies has been known to spook elephants. One gets the impression that very few of the protesters are women in bra and panties.

I learned in my circus days how humans can lash out unpredictably when the temperature gets too high. I remember a blazing afternoon in Mexico City before an evening show. It was hotter than the Devil’s kitchen. I saw a dog pass water on the hubcap of a motor car, only to scamper away in panic when its piss sizzled and gave off steam. While the other performers rehearsed inside the big tent, I sat in a deckchair outside, wearing a sombrero and reading back issues of Josie and the Pussycats.

Presently, the ringmaster stormed out of the tent and addressed me angrily.

“Where’s my haemorrhoid cream?” he thundered.

“Your what?” I replied, barely suppressing a grin.

“Don’t play dumb with me, you big hairy ape! I checked the seat of your bicycle and it was greasy!”

“My dear Ringmaster, that’s just palm oil to prevent the hot plastic sticking to my bum. I assure you I have no need of your unguents.”

“I want to search your trailer!”

“Be my guest, Ringmaster. After you have done so, I suggest you make enquiries with the clowns. I saw them applying an odd-looking lotion to their chapped lips. You must take more care where you leave your medications.”

He stomped off muttering and harumping. “There goes an angry, red-faced man,” I thought.

Let us pray that India boosts her output to meet the growing demand. It will take a while for new facilities to be put in place, so interim measures are urgently required. Here are my suggestions:

(i) organise free bus tours to the Himalayan foothills for the ringleaders, to cool them down and make them giddy in the thin atmosphere;

(ii) use crop-spraying aircraft to deposit a fine mist of opiates over the rioters, so their wrath gives way to drowsy contentment;

(iii) instruct officials connected with the power industry to wear false noses and wigs, to make them a focus of ridicule rather than rage.

Sound social policy is the only remedy for civil disorder.

Labels: , , ,

Ah, why'd you have to remind me that in about a week or two, it will be convection-oven hot in Palm Springs?

And yes, women running down the streets in their skivvies would only encourage Indian authorities to drag their feet on the whole utilities-infrastructure issue. BUT (typical desert rat angle): It would be great for tourism!

Another point -- last summer something gave with the wiring over here, so when it hit 120 F, if you had too many things plugged in as well as your air-conditioning, power went off. People got pissy and harangued apartment management for a couple of minutes, but quickly realized that it just made them sweatier and woozier; so off they scattered to bar & grilles or if broke, the mall or libraries for air-conditioned shelter.
Don't they eat the fans though?
fans are overrated. i think they should bring back the ice trucks of yore. yore. i don't know if they had ice trucks in india's yore. but hey...if we know how to do anything in america, it's outsource.
Did you know in '76 we could fry eggs on the pavement?
We are presently getting hot here - now I know what I want - what I really, really want:a punkah and a chimp.
Sorry it that isn't totally PC.
What a fine pair of clams Miss Andress is displaying.Some of these races are so excitable , I blame an excess of spicy food , you wouldnt find the local WI roiting on the village green becuase we have a bit of a warm day and a power cut
One fact that the referenced news report fails to mention is that there is a lot of power-theft taking place and thieves include not only the poor who hook up copper wires directly to overhead cables, but also the rich who bribe the local linesmen to get direct connections, bypassing the meters installed for measuring monthly usage.

I think the situation could improve vastly if every one were to honestly pay their electricity bills.
oooh I like that "fine mist of opiates" idea. would like to utilise that at the gimcrack
Letty: Air conditioning makes me shiver - it's a sledgehammer to crack a nut. Doesn't California have pleasant sea breezes if you go to the coast?

Ms Ubermouth: The chimpanzees, you mean? They wouldn't dare to eat my fan. They prefer nuts anyway.

Kara: What do you know about hot weather in Oregon? I'd like to take you to a tropical zone and see your sweaty face. You'd beg me to throw a bucket of ice cold water over you.

Pi: Maybe use one of your grandchildren instead of a chimp. It's never too late to be a Memsahib.

Beast: The Women's Institute? They'd be ripe for the taking on a hot day, Beast. Just drive along in your Ford Capri and invite one of the ladies to join you on the back seat.

Sidhu: Corruption is another problem in booming emerging economies. The government needs to impose a few hefty fines.

Nursemyra: Be my guest, Nursie, I hope it makes life easier for you.
I guarantee you that if you DIDn't have air conditioning in Palm Springs, you'd shiver. I do think they turn it up too high, but 120 degrees is no joke. If I were in India, I'd be out in my underwear too, and to heck with the embarrassment.

The last time I was in California, though, I was incensed to hear my friends and relatives complaining about electricity failures and not being able to get their clothes dry. The sun was blazing away and some people even had clotheslines in their yards, but no, they had to have their driers. I hung out one friend's wash for her and she was amazed to find that it dried in less time outside than it did in her drier. You don't even need solar panels to use the sun as a source of energy, but you do need a little thought -- and a few extra minutes. That last condition just stumps most of my fellow Californians, though. What -- take an extra ten minutes to hang out clothes? Impossible! Sigh.
All of this will pass once the monsoon rolls in, bringing rain and cooler temperatures. Of course, then there'll be flooding, but you can't have everything.
Come to England!

We need 20 million more immigrants to keep our pensioner's topped up with Werthers Originals alone.

We also need more pies.
I tried to do an Ursula Andress shot on a beach holiday once. I still have it if you like.
I always marvel at people who think that going out and complaining to the powers that be will do anything at all for their situation. I suppose it's the random reinforcement that does it.

Of course it's been a very long cold winter here, I'd give my eyeteeth for some moist, sweaty action. Or good weather. Anything to curl the toes, really, but I don't think I'd go out in my knickers to get it.
Mary: I thought The Governator was in favour of conserving energy. Maybe he should set an example by putting up a clothes line in his garden.

Randall: Yes, it sounds like pre-monsoon tension. They'll feel better after a good soaking in June/July.

Sweeney Todd: English pensioners might be better off in India, given the respect Indians have for their elders. And the younger English love to run around half naked in the sun. Maybe a population exchange would be in order.

Ms Robinson: Better than the bikini shot you've already posted? That would be something.

Ms Dgny: It sounds like you might have a taste for the jungle. I could ask a local Tarzan to be your holiday escort.
My goodness!

Only GB could go from riots, to hemorrhoid cream, to Ursula Andress in one post.

Rock on, Gorilla!

I'd have thought a Ringmaster would be too much the master of his to suffer from haemorrhoids.
I sympathise with those poor Indians. I was there in 2003 and it was living inside a permanently simmering kettle - wonderful place though if it doesn't send you troppo first.
So did you feel a fannee while having your punkah pulled by the chimp?
Having one's trailer given the once over by a ringmaster plagued by piles sounds a very uncomfortable predicament Mr B: my compliments to you for containing both your mirth and your indignation.

Ursuala Andress's bikini top doesn't fit her very well does it? A few wrinkles, denoting I think, she perhaps needs a smaller cup size?

Nice to be back on the interweb viewing your musings. x
Must be awful for you, poor Mr Bananas, wearing a fur coat in the heat. Have you ever considered shaving or waxing?
Hairless chests, plus back, sac and crack waxes, are all the rage amongst footballers, apparently. Note that Portuguese youngster who plays for Man U, he seems to remove his shirt at the drop of a hat - or ball. Not my cup of tea, personally, but I know a few women who wouldn't mind playing keepy-uppy with him.
True you have rather more bodily hair to remove than young Ronaldo but no more than Fatimah Whitbread has to cope with.
How you combine the lovely Ursula, a heatwave and haemorrhoid cream in one post and make it work, I'll never know!

Loved the bit about the clowns... serve them right for being freaky creatures!
Those indians have my deepest sympathies...I was in S India in Feb (their coldest time) and I was as hot as a monkey's foreskin. Although I think the spraying of opiates would be an excellent sedative.
Yes, it does. And the last two nights' breezes have been like sea breezes without the salty-fishiness. But like I said, come June we'll be begging for that a/c sledgehammer. A swamp cooler is like pissing on a canyon fire (Malibu fireman quote) when the temp's above 110 and the humidity is 30 percent or more.
aaaaah, but then there is also the tram up to Mount San Jacinto's peak -- always a 15 to 20 degree drop in temp :)
& about the coast -- traffic to any coast when it's hell hot inland is a nightmare, best to hole up with your a/c, ok, enough loitering on your comments, Mr. GB <3
but RIGHT ON, Mary Witzl, great points about California; neighbors behaved similarly with laundry last summer.
Ikept thinking it was members of the Mr Bananas fan club who were electric powered. Baffling but untrue it seems!!
Ms Cow: Thanks you, Ms Cow. The world is full of strange connections, is it not?

Sam: Hah! I think it's a case of the ring biting the master that abused it.

King of Scarf: Many have fallen in love with India. Some prefer it from inside a 5-star hotel with air conditioning.

Lady Daphne: Fannee Doolee? I've never had the pleasure of her acquaintance, ma'am.

Kitty: Yes, I don't think bra design was quite the science it is today. I have no complaints about the size of her chest though.

Mrs Table: Hello Mrs Table! A movie producer once wanted me to shave for a porno flick but I refused. Fatimah Whitbread was a hefty girl, but I remember her armpits being cleanly shaved.

Clea: Thanks Clea. I think the clowns found the prefect place to put the ointment.

Emma: Maybe you should visit in the monsoon season and see if the torrential rain stimulates your passions.

Letty: You sound like just the person to show me around when I visit.

Mutley: I think a have a few readers among the kitchen applicance fraternity. Maybe the odd android as well.
Letty's quite correct about the sudden influx of visitors to the coast when the temperature starts to rise. Just look at the traffic congestion on all UK roads to the sea on an even vaguely sunny Bank Holiday.
Preparation H is supposed to be brilliant for sorting out eye bags and generally puffiness after a late night - but only the cream they sell in Canada. The US stuff has had the active ingredient removed apparently... so a friend was told anyway.
I fully empathise with the plight of the Indians. My car's aircon is very unreliable and, despite repeated visits to the garage, last year there were some days where I was sorely tempted to strip off my sodden outer garments and protest on the forecourt in my undies.
Bunny would be all in favor of this stripping by Ms. Cake.

'Dr. No', right? Us bird-types don't get out to the movies much.

In any cse, I can't identify with being overly hot - I'm a jungle bird, so I tend to be OK with the heat. But a nice, blended margarita never hurts.
It's the law of rising expectations. For millenia Indians coped with the heat by sitting in the shade or dying of dehydration.

Now, with the advent of the Internet and "Al" Gore, they riot if the aircon doesn't work. There's no turning back, as Pol Pot and the Kaczynski Twins found out.

Something similar happened in Wales over contraception. No one wants slate-based lubricants anymore.
Wow...rioting because of the heat? That's crazy talk. Here in Vancouver, Canada, we're having the cold and the rain still. Well, the cold has gotten better, but today it's pouring. I'd love me some sun.
The heat makes people go crazy sometimes...or frisky.
Anyways, You've been TAGGEDDD!, check my blog for the details of the game.
They did the opiate-spraying thing in the Goldfinger movie. Is it time for a post on Ian Fleming, great Kulturmeister? He seems to have quite an influence on this blog.
Gold--finger....he's the man...the man...

Ooooh. Now the song is running through Cow's head....

Moo with the Golden Gun....
Stunningly funny as usual!
Mrs Cake: I think you should protect your skin from UV but otherwise grin and bear the heat. I'm sure you look better with perspiration glistening on your skin.

Bunny: Mrs Cake has already teased us with pictures of her exquisite flesh in her blog.

Baba Doodlius: You feathered ones have the option of gliding in the breeze.

Mr Boyo: Yet I still see stoicism when I look into the eyes of a Welshman. Or could it be constipation?

Secret Agent: Yes, the heat can make you horny, which is why your mum should put special herbs in your tea at this time of year.

Inkspot: Dr Maroon called Fleming as a "tremendous dick" when commenting on a long forgotten post, so I don't think I have much to add. I don't like to be negative about people anyway.

Ms Cow: Sung by the great Shirley Bassey, who has also been mentioned in previous posts.

Ari: Why thank you, ma'am!
GB, a diet of seaweed in bacon fat and oatmeal does things to a man. Like wanting to join the British Army.
Oh please...everyone knows that Texas is the hottest place on Earth!

By the way...are you looking for audience participation for that palm oil stuff?! Anything to keep your hairy backside from getting burned... ;)
ROFL! The Ringmaster has haemorrhoids. And somewhere a pack of clowns have puckered faces.
Dear Sir, Madam, Alien Life Form, Primate

We are an emissary from who has been dispatched to find out if there is other intelligent life in the blogosphere. Jesus Christ in a matchbox... you have know idea who long it took me to find out that there is. Do you know how many dumbo's, la-hooo-sa-hers and generally brain dead people there are out there? I waded through over a gazillion blogs about colonic irrigation and weight loss; the fine art of DIY and mango pips, oh noetry more bad poetry, and useless opinion in order to find yours. I think if I read one more emo wrist gnawing diatribe I might just have slit mine.

Anyway. Here I am. There is intelligent life out there after all.

The years in the cyber wilderness have been worth it!

My message is that the fine folk at would be bowled over if you would do them the pleasure of signing up, logging in and doing a guest column.

Bow. Bow. Scrape. Scrape. Grovel. Grovel.

The (rather exhausted) emissary from,

Ms. Frankly Wrankles.
I personally rather enjoy the warm weather, if only because ladies start sporting shorter dresses.

Why, I saw so many bare ankles yesterday I almost fainted from excitement. Suffice to say, I cooled down by going home and sticking my hot-headed Palmerston into a bucket of ice. Sheer bliss.
Mr Boyo: Yes, the army requires a certain fatalism as well. The lads at Rourke's Drift were incredibly stoic. As was poor Timothy Evans before he got hanged for someone else's crime.

Miss Naughty: I'm sure you have many other lubricants we could experiment with at our pleasure.

Static: I don't think the clowns were hard done by, it probably works quite well for chapped lips.

Franklywrankles: Thank you, Sir, I like to think of myself as a magnet for fun-loving bloggers. I would not write anything that isn't published here, but feel free to link what you like.

Lord Likely: It takes a nobleman of sophisticated tastes to appreciate cold sensations in the todger.
Hey i play the recorder too!!! Or at least i used to until they started threatening to hurt me :(

Still we should get together and make some music :p

Oh and about the temperature, i swear i would prob go on a killing rampage if they cut the electricity is blooming hot!
We shall surely perform a duet one day, Saby. I like the thought of you hot, fiery and sweaty!
Ewww ***Sprays Miss Saby with air freshner***
Naughty Gorilla! Naughty Beast!

*Spanks the two hairy monsters!*
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin