Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Tarzan and Jane
Enter Jane, wearing furry bikini and examining coconut in her hand.
Jane (shouting): Oh Tarzan! Would you help me break open this coconut?
Enter Tarzan, wearing trademark loincloth and expression of Class A meathead. Takes coconut from Jane and taps it gingerly against his forehead.
Tarzan: Hum! This hard coconut! Tarzan go and find rock!
Jane (contemptuously): Oh give it to me!
Snatches coconut from Tarzan and smashes it against his skull, causing it to break into roughly equivalent hemispheres. Tarzan staggers about in a daze.
Tarzan (muttering): Humphwurumph.
Jane rubs some coconut oil on her tummy and looks at Tarzan coyly.
Jane (in hoochie mama voice): Does Tarzan want to rub oil on Jane’s boobies?
Tarzan opens eyes wide, turns to face audience and then looks at Jane.
Tarzan: Not tonight Jane. Tarzan got headache!
The couple took their bow amid raucous laughter and cheers. After leaving briefly to change into more formal dress, they returned to bask in the praise of their fellow guests. For some reason they were particularly interested in what I had to say, and awaited my appraisal of their performance as if I were the Ape from Del Monte.
“Quite splendid!” I enthused. “If Johnny Weissmuller were here today his pecs would be throbbing with envy. And his co-star who played Jane would be rushing off to get her boobs enlarged. You have put a teaspoon of chilli powder into a dish growing bland with age!”
They beamed with delight and asked me for my autograph, which I was happy to provide.
We gorillas have no particular animus towards Tarzan, although it was rather presumptuous to call him “Lord of the Apes”. There are no titles in the jungle and a solo man is in no position to lord it over anyone, no matter how much beefcake he is carrying. Other than that, the story is pretty flattering to us. A human infant of noble birth is adopted by a mysterious band of apes and suckled by a surrogate ape mother. They bring him up to be a model jungle citizen who always tells the truth and repels dastardly interlopers with vigorous and well-aimed flying kicks. The only point against him is that he never really lets his hair down and boogies like an ape. Perhaps his tribe were devout Presbyterians or something. But basically he is a good egg.
Jane is obviously thrown into the story to complete the fantasy for the human male. Her presence implies that you can live like a real jungle ape, swinging wildly through the trees, while cohabiting with a hoity-toity mistress. It does seem a little far-fetched though. A woman like Jane might well have consented to a roll in the undergrowth with Tarzan, but I can’t imagine her willingly moving into the tree house with him. Yet before we pour scorn on the fable, let us recall that it inspired a little girl called Jane Goodall to respond to the lure of the jungle. As my well-informed readers will know, she went on to become a celebrated chronicler of chimpanzee society and the best-looking white woman in
While the Tarzan books have their place in popular fiction, the Tarzan films are something else. When I saw my first Tarzan movie, I hooted with laughter on hearing the ape-man’s famous ululating cry. You see, it actually means something in baboon language. A rough translation is:
“Look! Look at my erection! Look at my erection!”
One wonders what it would take for Mr James to comprehend the point that Tarzan's cry CANNOT be trademarked. Perhaps he needs to find something else to occupy his days? Something like a Jane in a fur bikini?
I imagine female gorillas would make very good nannies. I have a opening if you know of any out of work gentle gorilla ladies.
Liv: That might be possible for a female gorilla if you shaved her in the right areas, but it wouldn't be a pretty sight.
Kitty: The man is a modern-day Scrooge - thank goodness he has failed.
Mary: I think that's what attracted Tarzan to her. She was so much more than the cave girl next door.
Mr Boyo: Wasn't there was a time when the Welsh used to protest about this, chanting "Llewellyn is our Prince!" and so forth? Nowadays, I get the impression that the Welsh elite all suck up to the House of Windsor.
Misssy: You are right. Female gorillas are very gentle with human children, although they can be a bit rough with grown men. I'll put up adverts on the trees.
Lady Daphne: Obliging a baboon is the least of a baby wart hog's worries - a lot of them end up as snacks for big cats. I'm sure there was a Frenchman called Bou bou...
Mosha: If so, he knew little about their courting methods.
Still wondering where you draw your colourful inspiration from.
What sort of self repsecting man goes around in a leather loin cloth?
I loved your cousins performance in the Jungle Book cartoon, a louis Armstrong impersonation, banana skin on his head and still managed to retain hid dignity.
I wont send you the secret of fire.
Randall: I'm sure it wasn't his mother. Possibly his tree-climbing instructor.
Mr Boyo: Welsh history is like a bowl of leek soup - full of bits hidden below the surface. The English never caught up with Owain did they?
Eve: I'm sure you can find an audio file somewhere. You never forget it once you've heard it.
Suzan: I'll be sure to give you a copy if I do.
Sam: Not bad, but you'd need to invent a few new vowels to do it justice.
Hitch: King Louis stole the show if not the fire. Wrote about him here. The singer was Louis Prima, who was also quite famous.
You what? have you published a book already. where can i buy it?
Also, as a Presbytarian myself I take offence to the idea that Preses cannot let their hair down. All the strapping young lads wore kilts for St Andrews Day the other sunday and let's say all their haggises were left bare and that we later had a riproaring shindig up Pastor's Alley
oh dear GB I fear I am drunk ...
Do you agree with me that there is no modern filmstar who could measure up to Weismuller who was also an olympic swimmer. Do you think he waxed his armpits or shaved them??
Kara: Not sure it's rape under porcine law. Piglets will willingly suck just about anything.
Emma: I'll mail it to you if you trust me with your address, otherwise google Japing Ape on Amazon. Those prezzies sound lapsed to me. I especially savour comments from drunk women!
Pi: I never knew they were having an affair.
Wwg: Vive les Quebecois!
Mutley: I'm sure Weismuller could have made mincemeat of Russell Crowe. Joe Bugner is the only actor who might have defeated him. That said, I believe he used Immac to remove his body hairs.
I'm always a little disappointed when people go off to live among the zebras or the elephants or the grass snakes of Cumbria. It smacks of something. There's 6500000000 people to choose from, but oh no, not good enough, I'm off to rough it among the apes, (no offence) and study them and write a few books, make a film, get on the cover of Time and lay out some neurotic drivel as the noble philosophy I learned from the monkeys.
Sorry G.B., I needs a drink. That lion woman was the same, what was she called, Viginia MacKenna. what she didn't tell us was how lions are the bad bastards of the plains, driven by evil and wickedness.
Then there was the otter man of the highlands. He was all right, I met him a couple of times. I was very young. But his books were a bore.
an itchy, scratchy, sore and raw, furry bikini?
Do you get enough sex? Or are these post intended for us readers to get some....
Beast: Glad you liked it, Beast. Our beloved Jungle Jane only pretends to be inspired by baboons. She's actually an utter sweetheart.
Lord Likely: And a nobleman too by birth! Possibly a distant relative of your lordship!
Dr Maroon: Perhaps they are trying to mend their broken hearts. As the poet Marvin croaked:
Snow can burn your eyes, but only people make you cry.
But the lion lovers just need a good kick in the arse, as you imply.
Goth: I see you have an ear for song lyrics!
Jahooni: Good heavens! My posts are certainly not intended to be a sex substitute! As for myself, I oscillate between infrequently and in-frequently.
Been a while, but I'm back.
Oh how I enjoyed the return to your rather insightful and amusing site.
Especially the pic of french farmers clogging up the freeway and the baboon with the half mongrel.
Ideally I would like to see more aroused baboons driving tractors but that may be a fantasy I never have fulfilled.
He is but sleeping in a cave, Awaiting the call,
Alongside Arthur, Merlin
And General de Gaulle.
I shall give it a go - as with increasing age I am becoming increasingly hirsute - I know this is OK for you Mr GB, however for we humans it is a little odd.
Zuba: Welcome back! I'm glad you weren't too distracted by the booby pictures.
Sabrina: I feel as if I've just given you a tickle torture!
Mr Boyo: Very enlightening. I admire him for his elusiveness and his ability to keep his head on his shoulders.
Mutley: Start with the nose and ears and work downwards.
Hitch: Au contraire, Hitch. I have a collection of buffalo penises which expand to the size of a marrow when you put them in water.
Rosanna: Indeed it is.
Daisy: She may have been Tarzan's nanny.
Sidhu: I thought she had an affair with a white naturalist.
Dr Joe: Perhaps she found it easier to make friends with chimps. They are quite easy to please and don't argue about politics or religion.