Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Kiss of horror

My heart bleeds for Erica Valentine, the woman with an unusual kissing phobia. The 36-year-old model (pictured above) hasn’t had a date in over two years because of her fear of oral cooties.

“So many things go through my head so it makes kissing impossible for me,” she explained. “I've only ever had three boyfriends and I ask them all sorts of questions such as when they last brushed their teeth.”

Erica did live in wedlock for eight years, but the strain of a smoochless marriage was eventually too much for her husband. He left after impregnating her, possibly feeling he’d been used like a sperm bank. I hope she doesn’t give up on love. She might yet meet a man who is content to pleasure her from behind, his lips sealed with duct tape as an added precaution. A suitable advert in the personal columns would surely attract many offers. A chaperone would obviously be required to weed out the fiends and perverts.

Could Erica be cured of her complex by a shrink? It would certainly be fascinating to explore her subconscious mind. Her phobia might have originated in nursery school, when a greedy boy tried to suck a sweet out of her mouth. Hypnosis might be an effective therapy. Put a suggestion in her brain that her saliva is more deadly to germs than the toilet cleaners advertised on TV. You could test whether it worked by asking her to kiss a walrus or a warty old toad. Kissing a man would be a piece of cake after that.

Had Erica been born a gorilla her phobia would be unimportant, because kissing is unheard of amongst the hairy primates. When I told my females about the tongue-wrestling humans get up to, they hooted in hilarity. I am confident that human infants raised in a gorilla band would have no interest in kissing each other when they reached puberty. They would all be like Tarzan, who had no idea his mouth could be used for sexual purposes until Jane started sitting on his face.

How humans acquired the kissing habit is one of the great mysteries of anthropology. You don’t see couples spooning in a hunter-gatherer band. I reckon the practice began when humans started living in houses, which the women were expected to look after while the men were away at work.

Picture a man arriving home at the end of the day, looking forward to putting his feet up and relaxing in a vegetative state. Before he can sit down and begin the important task of scratching his nutsack, his eardrums are assaulted by the incessant chatter of his missus. After years of annoyance, he finally comes up with the solution – pressing his lips against hers to shut her up.

One can only wonder how the first woman to be kissed reacted to her first kiss.

“Are you out of your mind, you mad brute!” she might have hissed. “You’d better not do that again until I’ve taken off my lipstick!”

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Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Catch the hacker!

The despicable rogue who hacked into the private nudie album of Miss Jennifer Lawrence is a fugitive. The FBI are on his trail and Godspeed to them, but they won’t be able to catch him if he flees to the Congo. The jungle over here is too dense for federal agents and the monkeys would piss on their suits. Having a lethal weapon in your possession doesn’t mean you can comb every bush. I reminded the manager of the safari camp of our civic duty to apprehend the scoundrel and deny him sanctuary:

“We must get a mug-shot of him in case he turns up on our doorstep,” I advised. “If we catch the blighter, my females will guard him until he’s sent back to America. They’ll make him rue the day he trespassed in the trinket box of a high-ranking female!”

“You’re talking as if it’s the crime of the century!” chuckled the manager. “I don’t approve of hacking, but I doubt the photos show anything that’s not in her movies. I think her erect nipples were on display in American Hustle. Google it if you don’t believe me.”

“I will do no such thing!” I declared hotly. “That would make me no better than the idiots who’ve been gawking at the stolen pictures!”

Now the villainous hacker goes by the alias of ‘OriginalGuy’ and has communicated with his evil henchmen in a public on-line forum. Here is one of the messages he posted:

“This is the result of several months of long and hard work by all involved. We appreciate your donations and applaud your excitement. I will soon be moving to another location from which I will continue to post.”

The pride he expresses in their achievement is quite pathetic. Every single one of them must have ogled hundreds of pictures of naked women on the internet, which makes it a statistical certainty that they’ve already seen a body-double of Miss Lawrence. There is nothing extraordinary about Jennifer’s jahoobies – they didn’t turn into sugar plums just because she joined the A-list. Nor do I believe she keeps nude photos of herself to titillate people. She probably wants to keep track of how exercise and diet are affecting the shape of her rump. It’s an important issue for a woman in her line of work.

On the subject of shapely rumps, Miss Cara Delevinge was recently photographed biting the pert bottom of Miss Jourdan Dunn, her fellow supermodel. This orthodontal act was performed in public and the evidence is displayed below for your inspection. Publishing the picture is entirely legal and shows the good clean fun you can enjoy without hacking anyone’s account.

The photo is far from perfect, of course. The lighting isn’t good and Cara’s teeth are indenting the fabric of an expensive frock. It would have been preferable, in an artistic sense, to have seen her biting bare flesh. Full marks to the girls for making an effort, though. Adventurous deeds like theirs will put the hackers out of business.

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Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Ice bucket challenge

I’ve noticed that a lot of humans have been dousing themselves with buckets of ice-cold water. One mustn’t mock them because they’re doing it in a good cause, but I don’t see the point of the exercise, unless the good cause is finding work for unemployed towels. When I decide to support a worthy charity, I reach into my jungle sporran for a gold coin and toss it in the direction of the authorised collector. Buckets of cold water, if any be loitering in attendance, are emptied into the Congo River to cool off the crocodiles.

To my human friends who would like to accept the challenge but are fearful of screaming like a sissy, I offer the following advice: it won’t feel so bad if you prepare yourself for the ordeal by roasting yourself on a spit for two minutes. The manager of the safari camp was not moved to action when I made this suggestion, but his wife’s eyes lit up in apparent enthusiasm:

“I like to have a cold shower after my weekly Zumba session,” she said. “You could easily climb above the cubicle and throw a bucket of cold water over me. It’s okay for a gorilla to see me naked because it’s like being examined by a doctor. But wait for me to shampoo my hair first.”

I scratched my armpits in contemplation before making the following reply:

“Madam, I am flattered by your confidence in my tossing ability and gratified by your faith in my clinical objectivity. However, what you propose is work for a chimpanzee rather than a gorilla. If you wish, I will dispatch a competent bucketeer to your cubicle at an agreed time. He may not be as poker-faced as me, but I will instruct him to refrain from hooting or whistling.”

She told me she would like to meet the chimp first, so I agreed to arrange an interview.

Now, an actress called Olivia Wilde has performed the feat with a liquid other than water. In a video clip posted on YouTube, she spoke these words to the camera before soaking herself:

“I hope it's okay, I couldn't find any water, so I'm going to use breast milk. It took me all night to make this.”

The contents of the bucket did look like milk, but I’ll change my name to Latte Macchiato if it came from her udders. I suspect her improbable boast was an attempt to talk up the value of her boobs. An up-and-coming actress is always looking for ways to increase her bargaining power with the movie moguls. Yet I’m far from convinced that the milk-producing capacity of her jahoobies indicates how appetising they would look on film.

It’s possible, of course, that Miss Wilde was simply making a joke. If so, it was much less funny than the shrieks she emitted after drenching herself, which made her sound like a dowager having her knickers pulled down by a dwarf. What definitely wasn’t funny was all that milk going to waste. When I think of all the hungry baby dwarves, it makes me want to weep. 

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Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Fruit abuse

Take a good look at the picture above. The manager of the safari camp showed it to me the other day, apparently in an attempt to rile me. He knows how sensitive we gorillas are to the misuse of fruit.

“I hope the feast didn’t go to waste after that pitiful floozy got out of the bath,” I remarked.

“Why would it?” asked the manager. “Those peaches would have tasted even better after rubbing against her jubblies!”

“Rubbish!” I barked. “Her jubblies might have tasted better, but not the peaches. The natural flavour of fruit is not improved by stewing it in a woman’s juices!”

I left the smirking manager to avoid further provocation. After regaining my composure, I did some research and identified the fruit-abusing female as a member of a musical ensemble called “The Pussycat Dolls”. Her name is Ashley Roberts and the purpose of her unusual pose was to promote a cheap brand of wine. I’m sure she was the right woman for the job, but where are the grapes? Even Benny the Baboon knows they’re the main ingredient in wine. I suppose she might have been sitting on them, but you can’t really tell from the expression on her face.

In any event, it’s a damned peculiar way of promoting an alcoholic beverage. At the very least, she should have been holding a half-full glass, to give people the impression she enjoys quaffing the stuff. There is nothing remotely drinkable in that bath, although I dare say most of its contents taste better than the wine they’re trying to sell.

Now I’m not dogmatically opposed to displaying wares on a woman’s body. My dear friend Jules sent me a lovely picture of a necklace adorning the smooth skin of an anonymous model, which I display below for your inspection. Would you believe that the stainless steel object nestling between her norks is a vibrator? I would never have guessed it without being told by the text beneath the picture.

It looks too thin for an insertion device, so it must be one of those bean-tickling gizmos. If so, it’s a masterpiece of slick design, because I can’t see where you’d put in the batteries. Hundreds of years from now, that necklace will be a museum exhibit, inspiring onlookers to marvel at the ingenuity of humans in the 21st century. It might even still be in use. The basic technique of stimulating a lady’s love button is unlikely to change over the centuries – it’s one of those skills like darning a sock or squeezing a lemon that can’t really be improved on.

Anyway, I hope this gorgeous necklace will encourage women to display their sex toys with pride rather than hiding them under their pillows. Men have no reason to feel threatened by such a development. I can’t think of a better conversation starter than expressing admiration for a woman’s dildo and inquiring about its performance. It’s got to be better than petting her poodle and asking her whether it does tricks.

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Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Good news for Hef

Does anyone know how Hef is keeping? I’ve written a few scornful posts about him in the past, but I’m reluctant to mention him now in case he’s about to pop off. I don’t want people denouncing me as a heartless ape when the playmates are in mourning and the porn community are hailing him as a giant of the industry. Hef may currently be a ridiculous old ghoul, but I’m pretty sure he was admired as a great innovator in his day. No one can deny his many achievements, such as making it socially acceptable for lecherous men to stare at pictures of tits and ass.

The reason I’m talking about Hef is that I’ve got some good news for him. Christina Aguilera has announced that she wants to pose nude in Playboy. Having recently had her second child, she’s eager to show the world that her body is as elastic as a rubber band:

“This is something she wanted to do even before she got pregnant,” a close friend revealed. “Christina's always loved her body.”

I wonder what her fiancé thinks about her unabashed narcissism. If he kept her waiting in bed, she’d probably start without him. Personally, I don’t see why she doesn’t publish the photos on twitter. If you’re fishing for compliments, it’s better to choose a medium where your flunkies can give you instant admiration.

It’s actually a miracle that Playboy is still in business with all the free pictures of female flesh in cyberspace. There’s a blog with the strange name of Zyzzyz (adults only) that I recently became aware of. It is a journal of few words and many pictures, mostly of happy smiling ladies in various states of undress. I discovered this blog because The Japing Ape is one of several it links to. I view this as a compliment, even though the other linked blogs have a nudity or sex theme. A man can take only so much naked flesh before his brain hungers for the prose of a literate gorilla.

Returning to the subject of Hef, I’ll venture a guess that we’ll never see his like again. I’m not trying to kiss his butt here, because no one in his right mind would want to kiss that leathery old pumpkin. The point I’m trying to make is that there isn’t a young man-about-town you can point to say “He’s the new Hef”. What we have instead is fellows like Mischa Badasyan, a 26-year-old German “performance artist” who is planning to have sex with a different person on each day of the year.

“I hope my project entitled ‘Save the Date’ will challenge ideas of sexuality and homosexuality in the time of Tinder, Scruff and Grindr,” he explained.

He may call it art, but I call it a recipe for confusion, because he won’t remember most of the people he’s slept with. Tinder, Scruff and Grindr could sabotage his project by ravishing him in April and buggering him again in November.

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Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Licking James Bond

A 26-year-old actress called Karen Gillan has said she wants to lick Daniel Craig’s face. Before you denounce her as a shameless hoochie, take note of her intention to perform this act in a professional capacity. Her dream is to appear in a Bond movie, playing a villainess who would demonstrate her brazen effrontery by slobbering on 007’s cheeks. According to Karen, her father was the inspiration behind this unusual ambition:

“My dad used to tell me when I was younger, ‘You don't want to be a Bond girl; you want to be a villain’. That stuck with me.”

Let’s hope her tongue doesn’t stick to Danny’s face. Knowing him as I do, I am certain he would not find the prospect appealing. That tanned, clean-shaven countenance we admire on the big screen is heavily coated with cosmetics. Licking it off would make him feel naked. Far from promoting her cause, Miss Gillan’s audacious announcement will make Danny very reluctant to work with her. She would have done less harm to her chances by saying she wanted to lick his arse.

There are surprisingly few good licking scenes in big budget movies. Steven Bauer wiggled his tongue at several women in Scarface, but his invitations came to naught. John Turturo licked his bowling ball in The Big Lebowski, but what did that prove? Any fool can lick an inanimate object. The only licking of actual flesh I can remember occurred in The Name of the Rose, when the ugly hunchback licked the leg of the sultry peasant girl. She didn’t like it one bit and cursed him in an obscure medieval language, which may have been French. Another good licking opportunity arose in the same movie, when the apprentice monk played by Christian Slater was ravished by the same peasant girl. But neither tongue got involved in the action – I suppose such things are often forgotten in the heat of the moment.

In truth, it is better to have your face licked by a cat than a human. The rasping feline tongue is admirably equipped for the purpose, whereas the human tongue is made for talking rather than polishing. This doesn’t mean that all humans are good speakers, of course. Britney Spears has a very attractive tongue, yet people have accused her of being too stupid to hold a conversation. Maybe she would be more articulate if she communicated in song.

Britney should nevertheless take heart from Kanye West’s recent statement about her:

“I am not Britney Spears,” he declared profoundly.

He may have meant it as an insult, but she should certainly take it as a compliment. The man has recently been charged with assaulting a photographer, and expects to beat the rap by boasting about his towering intellect:

“I’m the smartest celebrity you’ve ever fucking dealt with!” he told a lawyer in a deposition to the court.

One suspects he was exaggerating for effect. I can’t believe he’s brainier than 50 Cent or P. Diddy.

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Wednesday, August 06, 2014

Inhaling deeply

Someone sent me a news item about a nose spray that helps women to have orgasms. The frigid women who tried it increased their climax rate from 1.7 to 2.3 over a period of 84 days. That works out at roughly 3 extra orgasms per year, which isn’t a huge payback for fumigating the nostrils. It might be okay if the woman could choose when to have them – e.g. one on her birthday, one on Valentine’s Day and one on Halloween. But what if they pop out haphazardly during daily chores on the motor scooter or washing machine? There’s no point having an orgasm if it causes an accident.

As a jungle-dwelling ape, I would rather see women use natural methods of stimulating their drives and juices. Dr Ruth said an orgasm was like a sneeze, and you’ve got to admit the similarities are striking. There’s every chance that a woman who makes herself sneeze regularly will master the knack and start coming all over the place. They would have to be hearty sneezes, of course, not those repressed little “choos” that some ladies emit because they’re scared of losing control. The nose is the right organ to arouse, but with a pinch of pepper rather than a hormone spray.

Some women have the good fortune to work in occupations where orgasms are a perk of the job. Cara Houiellebecq (sic) is a mother of two whose popular blog caught the attention of the sex toy industry. She now earns a living by testing and reviewing their devices, experiencing an average of 15 orgasms per week.

“Toys have always been a part of my private sex life,” explained Cara. “It gave me the idea to start writing about my sex life and to start testing sex toys.”

Cara’s long-term partner Darren doesn’t feel threatened by her toying habit. One assumes they have an understanding that she won’t compare his todger with the latest “bullet train” dildo.

"We always say that toys are the seasoning to a sex life, not a replacement," she said.

Fair enough, but doesn’t that imply their sex life would be bland without the toys? It sounds as if Cara’s lady parts have got addicted to high-frequency vibrations and permanently hard penetrators. Call me an old-fashioned ape, but I don’t think the carnal pleasures should turn into an encounter between tool operators.

An encounter between tool operators is better than an encounter between tools, which is what happened when Orlando Bloom attempted to punch Justin Bieber in the mouth. Apparently he was upset that Bieber had slept with his ex-wife and taunted him about it.

Much as Bieber merits a good hiding, I don’t think a fop like Bloom is the right person to deliver it. He is clearly no pugilist and equally deserving of a thrashing himself. I would personally like to see Bieber chastised by a bald stocky fellow, who would sit on his back and pinch his buttocks black and blue. 

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