Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The world's funniest woman

“I’m here for the room service, not the animals,” says Joan Rivers as I carry her luggage into her room at the safari guesthouse. “Are you gorillas really my fans?”

“You are a legend in the jungle,” I reply. “Before we go to sleep we say: ‘A hundred blessings for Mother Joan and fifty more for her plastic surgeon.’”

“Hah!” she exclaims. “If you knew what I know, you’d give two hundred blessings to my plastic surgeon!”

That evening, at the bar, she expands on this theme to a TV producer from England.

“I always tell women ‘if you can afford it get everything done – the face, the boobs, the butt, the whole package’. Get real! Women are judged on their appearance, they always have been and they always will be.”

“How about labia reduction surgery?” asks the TV producer.

“LABIA?! You’re putting me on, right? Why would a woman want to pay for something only her gynaecologist gets to look at. Don’t those guys charge enough already?”

“No seriously Joan, there was
a documentary* about it on British TV. A lot of women are having their flaps trimmed because they can’t bear the sight of their vaginas. It’s becoming like a nose job.”

“BUT WHO LOOKS AT IT!” shrieks Joan. “When I was a young woman, your vagina was neither seen nor heard. Not unless you did pussy farts in a freak show.”

“What about oral sex?” asks the TV producer.

“Hey gimme a break, I’m Jewish! I was brought up to believe that even thinking about such acts was asking for God to strike you dead with a lightning bolt!”

“But suppose a young, good-looking guy walked up to you today and said: ‘Miss Rivers, it has long been my ambition to eat you out.’ Would you let him?”

“Jeez, is that the kind of dialogue you write for British TV shows? I guess if he’s really set his heart on it I wouldn’t stop him. But only when I’m safely under the covers. And no torch! He has to burrow like a mole searching for a hole. Let him use his sense of smell.”

“But Joan, that would spoil half the fun!” complains the TV producer.

“I don’t care! If he wants to look and lick he can go suck a popsicle instead. What is this shit about staring at a woman’s pussy? Hey GB, do you look at your females down there?”

Having listened quietly to the conversation with a bar tender’s discretion, I am caught off guard by this unexpected question.

“Hum ah well yes, let me think,” I grunt, searching my memory. “I don’t make a habit of it, but I did once inspect a female’s vulva before mating with her.”

“So what happened?” asks Joan.

“After I’d stared at it for a bit, she said: ‘Are you going to fuck that thing or take a picture?’”

“Heheheh!” laughs Joan. “Your females sound so GREAT! I wish I could be a female gorilla. Not forever, of course, just for a couple of hours.”

“Why don’t you join them for their tree-dance?” I say. “When female primates shake their rumps together they become sisters under the skin. I’ll introduce you and play the bongo drums. You can keep your pants on.”

“The tree-dance?” inquires Joan. “Is that like humping a piece of wood?”

“Not quite,” I reply chuckling. “It more like pretending to give birth in an upright position.”

That I can do!” declares Joan. “As long as it’s just pretending. My ovaries dried up in ’79.”

Next morning, Joan does her ‘Dot Matrix’ shtick from Spaceballs while I escort her into the jungle. She quietens down after I introduce her to the females – most humans are lost for words after they’ve been patted by female gorillas. Everything proceeds smoothly: Joan discovers her inner ape in the tree-dance and the females get autographed copies of The Life and Hard Times of Heidi Abromowitz. When we return to the safari camp, her mood is serene and contented – hanging out with gorillas does that for you. She tells me a lot of personal stuff, most of which I won’t reveal, and I feel like I’ve become her rabbi. Before I leave she makes a final confession:

“Hey GB, the night before the tree-dance I self-examined myself with a hand-mirror. More Mick Jagger than Lionel Ritchie, know what I’m saying?”

“You’re a lucky woman Joan,” I reply. “The Stones have always been big in the Congo.”

“And they’d be even bigger with my pussy as their lead singer!” she says laughing as I give her a parting embrace.

Joan Rivers always has the last word.

* Charliemingles funny and informative review of The Perfect Vagina can be found here.

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An imam of Col Deakin's acquaintance always carried a circumcising tool and used to trim his own foreskin for old times' sake.

Perhaps this new trend among the insane, drunk women of Britain is a sign of the multicultural diversity that we hear some much about.

It's very different in Switzerland, just as under it.
you bet i love the word 'bearded.'

also i wrote an epic paper in 7th grade on being a primatologist IN THE CONGO. so this blog kind of matches my interests like exactly.
HOW ironic. Actually my life long dream (fantasy) has been to eat out Ms. Rivers and kiss Mick Jagger at the same time.

ROFL - labial reduction surgery. What will they think of next?
I saw a plastic surgery show once (here in the US) about some chick getting labial reduction surgery. She claimed she was so distressed over the after-effects of child birth, she couldn't even perform her wifely duty.

So, apparently, not only do loose lips sink ships, but also marriages.
Bananas, it's remarkable, you actually succeed in sounding quite like Joan Rivers. However, descriptions of surgical operations (especially this one) make me feel heartily sick, and I'm now unable to eat my breakfast cornflakes.
Is there no end to your celebrity status that A list comedians are coming to discuss vaginas with you?

The only people who discuss their genitals with me are Pilgrims who confuse me for a doctor.
I've never had any complaints . . . but if I did I think surgery would be too expensive . . . so I'd just grow another fringe . . .
LOL!!! One of your funniest Mr Bananas!!! Hahahaha

Oh and labia reduction suregry?!!!! Those women need a lecture from me on the beauty of the female body!!!!!!
Mr Boyo: You mean his foreskin grew back like a lizard's tail? The man is a miracle of Nature.

Tiniest Spark: Hi there Kira! How about coming to live with my band? You might be the next Dian Fossey.

Static: Those are mighty fine ambitions. They combine pleasure with public service.

Ms SNTB: It was mentioned in the documentary that child-birth can have that effect. I hope the surgery worked for her.

Gadjo: I didn't really go into details. Either your stomach is too weak or your imagination is too strong.

Mr Guru: Famous humans will always confide in a gorilla - I could have made a fortune as a celebrity shrink.

Ms Scarlet-Blue: I would be shocked beyond measure if anyone complained about yours, Ms Blue. Did you know there is an artist who makes latex vaginal casts? Worth considering.

Sabrina: Thanks Saby. Are you aware how much they vary in appearance? It's easy to talk about their beauty if you've got a great little one.
I'm never going to look at Mick Jagger (or the song I can't get no satisfaction) in quite the same way again.
An artist who makes latex vaginal casts? Blimey . . . and I've been making do with sellotape . . .
I LOVE DIAN FOSSEY, and sigourney weaver's interpretation, too.

consider your band joined

and yes, bookish boys are the boys for me. not the shy ones though. boisterous bookish boys. yeah.
The surgery topic in this post demonstrates conclusively that the economy, for all it's hiccups, is purring along nicely, thank you. When can people have the a)time and b)money to "correct" a problem such as described, it tells us that capitalism is far and away the best economic system ever devised.

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Great post, Mr Bananas. I could hear Joan speaking the words in my head.

I watched the Designer Vagina programme and, in my ongoing battle against cuntphobia, I even considered the fanny mould option. Sadly, my latex allergy precludes this option but Ruf insists that mine is quite gorgeous anyway. When I asked him, he said I was more Lionel than Mick... but without the teeth obviously :)
What a vile discourse. I can't remember feeling quite so dismayed. As a Catholic mother-of-six, whose whole life is devoted to treading the path of morality and purity, may I snatch back a modicum of propriety and say enough! As you know, I have had more than a little work done, and regularly queue like a peasant at a soup-kitchen for my Botox, but no-one of my milieu would consider such a thing. The Arrivistes are at the gates of the city, Mr Bananas, and we are the poorer for it.
I blame all this shaving of the pubic hair nonsense. What do they think it's for, if not to cover up the fact that one's twat may have all the allure of Wayne Rooney's physog?

Leave it on girls, you never know what lies beneath, and neither do you have to. You may end up looking as if you've stepped out of a 70's porno movie, but it's a small price to pay.
Kyknoord: We now know he was really asking for a vibrator on the tip of his nose!

Scarlet-Blue: Haha, lucky old sellotape! But you might give yourself an involuntary Brazilian if you're not careful.

Tiniest Spark: Welcome to the band, Kira. We'll discuss the details in private.

Randall: Interesting angle. Perhaps I should forward this post to the Ludwig von Mises Institute.

Kate: Isn't it wonderful the way language evolves over time to encompass new meanings?

Mrs Cake: Thanks Mrs Cake. I am sooooo disappointed you are allergic to latex. Isn't there another type of mould you could use?

Mrs Poucer: I am so sorry to have offended your sensibilities once again, Mrs Pouncer. Did you not feel that Miss Rivers spoke to the values of the respectable matron, to some extent?

Moriarty: I would have agreed with you a week ago, but having seen some of the latex casts, I'm not so sure now.
I hope Miss Rivers did mean a young Mick Jagger , not the wrinkled old heap that still drags itself round the stage
That could be trully frightening
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What's not to love about Rivers? I must say that I do like to look at a vagina. One needs to study a conquest before one undertakes it, no?
heavens. i'm just back, and my ladylike sensibilities have been overwhelmed.
i think labial surgery should be mandatory for all women who live past 95. do you know how hard it is to clean aging flaps once faecal incontinence has set in?
There's a vas deferens between sex and love.
"do you know how hard it is to clean aging flaps once faecal incontinence has set in?"

I think this one is on a need to know basis. Kebab anyone?
I've never quite got this labia reduction lark. Surely it must be the next step for women who've had everything else done. Perhaps it's that everything else is so tight and stretched that the fanny seems somehow out of kilter?
Beast: Have his lips really aged as much as the rest of him? You could argue they were the manliest part of his body.

Kate: Hehe! I love it when you talk dirty, Kate.

Mosha: Yes, it's almost like being a connoisseur of fine wines.

Liv: Lovely to hear from you, darling. Not showing your pretty face anymore?

Nursemyra: You certainly earn every penny of your salary, Nursie.

Pi: Nice pun!

Piers Morgan: I'm a vegetarian. Is that alias No.13?

Misssy: You'd be surprised, Misssy, it actually young women who are having it done.
Did you know there is an artist who makes latex vaginal casts? Worth considering.

Where would that be? G.B.
"Miss Rivers, it has long been my ambition to eat you out" - words I want on my tombstone.
No, im not welsh why did you ask that?
Yes, where do I find the artist who makes latex vaginal casts? It's got to be better than all this sticky sellotape and the puncture repair kit. I tell you I'm very messy . . .
Well, another great post GB. Sorry for not visiting for a while. So as Joan is Jewish then that explains the 3rd off everything. All those cut rates.
I have never heard of Joan Rivers. She has a face like a box of tissues in a plastic bag. Is that normal for old ladies who have had plastic surgery?
Joan's coochie may look like Jagger's lips, but she's had so much plastic surgery the rest of her is starting to look like Robocop. She more than any other human totally gives me the willies.
LMAO! oh my goodness, that is the funniest thing ive ever read.
Dr Maroon: On the woman's fanny. I believe he resides in the British Isles.

Chris: Everyone who visits your grave will want to know whether you achieved you life's ambition.

Wiki Guy: Apologies, my mistake.

Scarlet-Blue: Why does it have to be him? I'm sure I could learn how to do it.

Tarf: Hello Tarf, no need to apologise, you've got a life to lead. Glad you liked the post.

Mutley: Don't knock her. You may have to settle for a shrivelled walnut when you get to her age.

Baba Doodlius: She's nowhere near as shiny and hard as Robocop. You're easily spooked, I think she'd be a good mistress to you.

A Balloon: If you are not a spambot, I thank you.
To be titillé ( Tickle )on your weak point, never let a lady lead you by the end " of the nose " by any other one either!
Especially if she is discolored and in strong breast
Labia Reduction surgery. Here is a collection of words that has no business being grouped together. WTF?! Some people have too much time and money on their hands.

i couldn't stop laughing, utterly fabulous.
Tut, tut Mr Bananas and here's me trying to learn how to be a lady . . . you will be leading me astray . . .
you are too funny for words. Do you really think women go to the surgeon and say, 'okay, my mouth I want pumped up like Angelina Jolie, and down below pump up my flaps to look like mick?'
is there a term for it now: Give me 'Mick Flaps'?
Dearie me. Cow does believe that picture of Joan is the scariest thing...

Except possibly thinking in terms of Mick Jagger down there.

Crabtree: Those who wish to be tickled in that fashion will listen carefully to your advice.

Trish: And spend too much time gazing somewhere below their navels.

Tazeen: Thank you, Miss, and welcome to the jungle.

Scarlet-Blue: Your lady parts would be safe with a gorilla, I assure you.

Emma: Thanks Emma. I don't think the procedure is advanced enough to replicate anyone's lips. Many ladies are having latex casts of their vulvas done to learn to love what they've got. You seem like an adventurous type...

Ms Cow: The scariest thing of all would be to see it pout and yell like Mick as well.
Can I be welcomed to the jungle?

I just dropped by after you commented one of my whinier blog posts, and am naturally shocked and appalled at the content here.

So I'll be back.
God, you are one funny gorilla with a wicked senses of humour!
I like Joan Rivers. She received zero support when she started out in comedy (and imagine how hard it was for a woman back in the 40's and 50's to try and break into stand up). As for her surgery, yeah it is a little freakish but at least she's honest and open about it instead of all that "oh it's down to lots of vegetables and good genes" bollocks.

As for the vaginal surgery it creeps me out. Another area of the female body that supposedly needs 'fixing'.
Speaking of flaps, can I take this opportunity to cynically and opportunistically plug my review for The Perfect Vagina here.

Number 81 in the blog listings last week:

Thanks Jape.

Mingles out.
sung to the tune of Moon River.

"Joan Rivers,
Wider than a mile..."
I like Pi's pun, too.

There's something so scarily honest about Joan Rivers that I've always been a fan, despite myself. And I'm glad she's more of a Mick Jagger than a Lionel Ritchie -- what a comfort for her.
"There's a vas deferens between sex and love"
Fabulous, Pat!

Is there anything women won't do to please men? And it IS to please men. I can not believe anyone would do that for herself. Jesus, the pain of it! All these nerve endings severed!

Labial reduction is up there with anal bleaching in terms of lunacy.
Ms Fiendish: My jungle is your jungle, Miss. Make yourself at home.

Ms McAllie: Why thank you, Miss! Do you have Scottish ancestry?

Jane: I like her too, mainly because she's funny. She can have all the cosmetic surgery she wants if I'm not paying for it.

Charliemingles: I read your great review after Clair Woodward mentioned it. I have linked in properly at the end of this post.

Inky: Utter tosh. I won't have the woman insulted in my presence.

Mary: That's very true, she's not afraid of offending anyone.

Sam: Well some women are convinced they have ugly cha-chas whatever men say. Charliemingles' review is linked at the end of the post.
Thanks very much sir. As ever you are the Perfect Gentlemen.
on her fanny! Truly you are the caesar of the quip.
Listen my oldest friend, next to Jaffa cakes it's you I love most of all. However, I've had a corporeal conjunction in the 3 dimensional world and what I'm asking is simply this, am I insane?
Maroon, I thought we'd been through this. All you need is to find salvation through faith; I am saying a Novena for you.
I'm sure your not insane, Dr Maroon. Perhaps you've had a little too much to drink. My advice would be to sleep it off and apply the ice-pack to the bean next morning.
As a kid I had a book called 'Not Funny Ha-Ha, Funny Peculiar'. That's all I've got to say on the matter.

Hey GB ... any chance I can tree-dance with a one of your female primates? I'd like to try everything once.
I'm afraid not, the tree-dance is girls only. You can play the bongo drums while they're doing it though.
GB, your mind continues to tickle me. (Happy to admit to the lack of surgery. Imagine losing the sense of one's tickles?)

Well, there has been cranial surgery, but lingual? Never! I remain as cunning a linguist as ever.
Glad to hear it Helen. And yes, I am a bit of a tickler if you let me near you.
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