Friday, October 03, 2008

South Sea Hustler

An insurance broker tells me that a prostitute has applied for a job with his firm.

“How do you know she was on the game?” I ask.

“She told me to my face as bold as brass!” he exclaims. “She said it was how she paid her way through college!”

I advise him to proceed with caution. Prostitutes are well-qualified to be financial advisers, but you have to check their references very carefully. Did she always explain the contract to her clients in layman’s language? Did she give refunds to men who lost their bottle at the last minute? Did she sell many products that went bust (and nowhere else)? Being an unsentimental cash accumulator is all very well, but without professional ethics things go tits-up pretty quickly.

Let no one forget that a pair of upper-class courtesans were behind the most infamous financial scandal in history. The Countess of Darlington and Duchess of Kendall lured men of means into buying shares of the ethereal South Sea Company, cleverly selling their own holdings shortly before the bubble burst in 1720. Bewigged squires rendered shirtless by their imprudence railed in fury at their predicament:

“We have been undone by whores!” thundered one outraged victim. “And vexatious whores!”

They were undone, of course, by their own folly and greed. The first rule of investment is that crowds are inherently stupid. The second is that whores always sell at the top of the market.

Someone once asked me whether a gentleman should ever pay for sex. I replied that a gentleman should always pay for sex, if only to reassure the lady that she is worth it.
If a cash gift is too crude, he should buy her flowers or a meal. It is psychologically helpful for the male to feel he is lucky to have got into the female’s pants, as he will then make the most of an opportunity that may not recur. The minute it becomes obvious that she wants it more than him, he begins to lose interest and his balls start to ache. I always give my females a treat of nuts or berries before mounting them, even if they’re in oestrus and gagging for it. They usually hurl them contemptuously into the air, but it’s the thought that counts.

Of course, a woman can make a fortune in the sex industry without selling her body to any slobbering oaf with a fat wallet. A 49-year-old divorcee did so by inventing the ultimate female sex aid. After years of frustration, she converted her vacuum cleaner into an instrument for pleasuring herself with
pulses of vibrating air. It is claimed that the device can make a woman climax in a mere ten seconds, a feat which not even the Lone Ranger or Zorro could have accomplished.

Some people belittle sex toys as cheap substitutes for the emotional and physical fulfilment of a loving relationship. This may be true, but isn’t a cheap substitute better than an expensive one? And what devoted lover could make a woman come in ten seconds? As we say in the jungle: orgasm first, relationship later.

Labels: , ,

Yep, a woman with a Dyson crevice attachment, and a bumper car in her pants can go a long way.
Christ, if a whore, or anyone, knows enough to sell at the top of the market, your broker friend should hire her now, and pay her what she asks for. And that last bit is particularly good advice; working girls despise hagglers.
As we say in the jungle: orgasm first, relationship later... I always wanted to ask you, Bananas, what do you make of the Bonobos (Pygmy Chimpanzees), the most "swinging" and "pan-sexual" ape in the jungle?
What a lurid colour that vacuum sex-aid is. I just don't believe the 10 second claim ... I must be strange but I find the Lone Ranger or Zorro a lot more appealing. x
Sometimes, it seems to me that some actresses are, in fact, practitioners of the oldest profession in the world, as they provide gratification to millions of men simultaneously, instead of one at a time and, therefore, get paid many times more than those conventionally known as sex-workers.

I costantly pay for sex with my woman.
I take out the rubbish.
I handle the finances.
I kill the creepy crawlers.
I help with the laundry.
I pay. I pay. And I pay.
What about dust bunnies? They'll have to be called dust pussies now?

Before I purchased one I would want to know if it gives a really deep-down suction right into the shag-pile. It'd have to be good to beat a Dyson.
It seems obvious to me that a prostitute that would be far more reliable as an insurance broker. For one hookers fuck you over and then take your money. Insurance brokers(and bankers, it seems) do the opposite.
Miss Scarlet: I hope you're not thinking of infringing the patent with you Dyson, Miss Scarlet. I just won't tolerate that kind of naughtiness.

Inkspot: If the banks had employed more hookers in senior positions the current crisis might have been averted. The climate is ripe for the first tart-controlled investment bank.

Gadjo: Bonobos have a huge amount of sex, but very little of it is high quality. A lot of their copulation is equivalent to shaking hands.

Kitty: What woman wouldn't find the Lone Ranger appealing? Maybe you have to think of him while applying the device. I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the 10-second claim.

Sidhu: That's true of the porn stars, but the A-list actresses just tease. Only their male co-stars get the full service.

Joe: And I'm sure it's worth all the effort. Try asking her for it immediately after killing a creepy-crawly. It works a treat with female gorillas.

Sam: Dust bunnies are probably frigid, but your shag-pile carpet would feel the floor-boards creak.

Misssy: Hookers certainly don't trick their clients with small-print, but I've never heard of them offering a no-claims bonus.
hmmm.... I'd like an inventive friend like Joanne to hang around with. she sounds like fun. though I'm a little worried that she went 15 years without sex....

hey Mr Bananas I'm in oestrus and longing for it right now
Multitasking gone mad. However if the poor woman's dry spell lasted fifteen years, who am I to judge the erotic potential of white goods (indeed, my mother's cat had something of a fixation with the spin cycle of the washing machine and would 'enjoy' the ride, his eyes crossed with pleasure).
Nuts and berries? What a gent! Momma Bananas clearly raised you well, though I fear for you that one day a vexatious hussy will take advantage of your generosity.

It's been discontinued! *Sobs into her crevice attachment*
Come on Cakes, chin up, tits out . . . lets get creative with our Dysons . . .
I'm reminded of the then Capt Deakin's expulsion from Honkers in 1928.

He had devised a milking device by combining an early vacuum cleaner with a discarded Franklin armonica.

During an imprompu display at a Government House reception he managed to attach the infernal contraption to various parts of Lady Clementi, with results audible across Kowloon.
Nursemyra: If only we were closer, Nursie! In the meantime, you could ask one of the 700 men you ogle your Friday pics if they'd like to try the real thing.

Kate: I think she just wanted to have an orgasm without a man dirtying her bedsheets and asking for breakfast. Who can blame a woman for wanting to minimise her domestic chores?

Jade: Hello Miss Jade! Dealing with vexatious hussies is unavoidable for a silverback. I normally turn my back on them and wiggle my arse.

Mrs Cake: It's not available in England but there's a shop in Cardiff that stocks them. You can always trust the Welsh to have the latest kinky gadgets.

Miss Scarlet: Here is a promotional video by the lady herself. Please watch it before messing around with your Dyson, Miss Scarlet.

Mr Boyo: It's pageantry of that quality that explains why British presence in Hong Kong lasted for so long.
At a certain time when two or several persons walked together, the richest walked on the pavements of ''high'' to get dirty the least possible ,while small people and girls of the people walked on the garbage of the central trench ,
where from the expression ''to hold the top of the paving stone''for the middle-class...
It is that now, this place is allocated to the prostitutes ,it is what we call the social advancement !!
Now those who occupied the top of the paving ,trample the gutter with the tail leu leu ,The hanging out tongue and the hand in the wallet(portfolio) !
Because they are incapable to make his wife climb on curtains :}
I have watched the promotional video GB . . . Can you imagine the inventor of the vacuum screamer on 'Dragons Den'?
I play the saxophone but I am not bendy enough to make use of my talent . . .
"We have been undone by whores!" thundered one outraged victim. "And vexatious whores!"


If only some US Senator had the guts to shout that during the bailout debate.

And come to think of it, if we were bailing out ladies of the night instead of the repetitive panoply of rich and aged white guys, it would have been more entertaining.

Plus, they would have had cute shoes.

Great post, Mr. G!

I don't think this looks very safe; not safe at all. An embolism could be caused by entry of air into the vasculature, and then what? What would the paramedics make of such a scene? And think of the poor Town Coroner.
Also, why do you have to mention the inventor's age? It all seems a bit mean-spirited. I sense your scorn. Can I just say that there are things I have done at 49 that I wouldn't have considered at 39, 29 or even 19.
Now Mrs P . . . you mention minor disadvantages . . . think of the pleasure . . . and what a way to go . . .
Mrs Pouncer, you took it straight from my mouth. 49 is the new black! Young people have always lacked imagination, God bless them. They think they invented it, yet their patent lack of invention is so shocking in its clarity, it sounds a knell for the death of creativity.
An old Lennon song comes to mind, Mr Gorilla Bananas, "whatever gets you through the night" it reminds me of when I was on secondment to Electrolux; we spent more time sexing up the cleaner than anything else.

“Nothing Sucks Like an Electrolux”

Was the best we could do.
And another thing, I could make a woman come in ten seconds, it just depends when you start the stopwatch.
As she walks in the door?
The second drink?
Meet me in an adjacent room immediately. Bring your adaptor and extension cable.
This last interchange might explain some of the recent goings-on at my own blog. No, don't go there, it's nicht fur der kinder.

In a healthier vein, I'd like to congratulate, if I may, Ms Cow on being the first to raise the subject of shoes. Might she be encouraged to adumbrate further on this important topic?
Crabtree: Thank you for your treatise on social history, Monsieur. It is surely a sign of progress that prostitutes now occupy the high ground.

Scarlet: I think you should let others be the judge of how bendable you are, Miss Scarlet.

Ms Cow: Thank you, Ms Cow. The ladies of the night should take pride in the fact that they maintained the liquidity of their assets without government assistance.

Mrs Pouncer: I felt no scorn, Madam. At the age of 49 it is acceptable for a woman to throw delicacy to the winds and admit to her carnal desires. Thus I mentioned her age so that readers would not judge her harshly.

Dr Maroon: I remember that the song, Dr. I believe Elton John won a bet with Lennon that it would reach No.1 in America. He obviously felt the lyrics applied to him in some peculiar way.

Inkspot: I noticed that. It takes a truly classy lady to admire the shoes of a prostitute.
GB, I must congratulate you because this post has it all:

1)The words: bewigged and vexatious. (Frankly, any ape or man who can casually throw out the word bewigged has my undying loyalty.)

2)Mention of the Dyson guy!

3)the phrase: pulses of vibrating air. ('Nuff said)

A pix of the Lone Ranger (just excellent all on its own)

GB, you must be almost as satisfied with this post as a gal with a Vortex Vibrations and an Electrolux.

I have randomly punctuated, capitalized and numbered my previous comment. Apparently with little or no actual sense. So, basically, I Palined my comment.

On the upside, I think your blog is a blast.
Ten seconds ! Included meal ? And which holds the candle ?

Frankly ,the Lone Ranger do not inspire me ! And the vacuum cleaner in ten seconds is full of acarids !
On behalf of the heirs of Ms Lucy Temerlin we are bringing a law suit for breach of copyright against Ms Drysdale who pinched the idea from our clients' mother, now sadly deceased (but she went with a smile on her face).

Sue Grabbit-Enron (LL.B, University of Brussels)
The sub-prime mortgage crisis is also clearly a result of the above expressed male-percieved requirement that women (aka whores) must be payed for sex. It's not like the news-papers to hold-off on publishing such information, I guess its pressumed too obvious to be newsworthy. Silly me for not realising earlier. I'll get my sack-cloth and ashes out now so I can reprent for my society destroying expensive and wanton ways.
Great post! I wish people still used words like "vexatious" today! Sex is definitely paid for in many ways and admittedly relationships are often an optional extra for many people but I say each to their own.
Scarlet-Blue plays the saxophone?

I've died and gone to Heaven.
Oh yes Kev, I have an embouchure to die for . . .
"orgasm first, relationship later"....that ties in completely with my post about being a masseur don't you think? I have recently decided that being a male masseur puts you in the best possible position to have sex with an unsuspecting female....previously I gave that unfortunate accolade to estate agents, but thankfully, owing to the global financial crisis they are becoming a dying breed Lx
Trish: Thank you so much Trish, you will always be welcome here. May the Lone Ranger be in your dreams.

Crabtree: Is it dangerous for a woman to have sex on an empty stomach?

Anonymous: You are from Brussels? Are you a friend of Lady Daphne?

Wendy: Yes indeed, repent, repent! It's good for your soul.

Helen: Hello Helen! I do admire your tolerant philosophy.

Kevin: Miss Scarlet has promised to show me her sax.

Scarlet: He's excited enough already without you talking French!

Family affairs: Ms L, we are singing from the same hymn sheet! Although with a masseur it might be "orgasm first, relationship strictly business".
i likes teh whorez <3!!!1
A woman could probably convince me to invest in today's stock market with the lure of sex. That, combined with the inability to afford good looking whores, is the reason I don't sleep with prostitutes.
"The minute it becomes obvious that she wants it more than him, he begins to lose interest and his balls start to ache."

perfect line there gorilla and one that should be taken for all it is worth...i learned that lesson the hard way and haven't forgotten the rule or the lesson...
Isn't prostitution in the first world something of an anachronism in this day and age? I mean sure, in the past the only way women could get economic power was by being high class courtesans and screwing kings and big wigs metaphorically and physically...I would have thought at this stage of the game, a woman almost becoming president of the USA etc it would be a rather old fashioned career choice akin to weaving on a spinning wheel?
Static: I didn't quite catch the last word, but I get your drift.

Chris V: Maybe they'd give you investment advice for free, being pleased that a man wanted them for something other than sex.

Daisy: Experience is a good teacher isn't it? But a harsh one too.

Emma: Prostitution will always pay better than most other jobs (provided that the woman is not controlled by men). If the society gets richer, prostitutes will simply be able to charge more from their richer clients. I suppose it might become uneconomic if a lot more women slept around and gave it away for free, but would that really be better for women?
I should have thought gravity was enough of a problem without the aid of a Dyson or similar.
Did you see 'The Secretary' was on TV last night? I'm never sure where you are.
prostitutes will simply be able to charge more from their richer clients...don't be so sure...I'm pretty sure in the future this 'task' will be taken over by Stepford Wife robot Slutbots who will work for minimum wage!
I fear the veiled hand of the evil Professor Dyson , making a bid for world domination through an intermidaitry(Oh lord I can't spell) , whatever next !
Approximately 500,000 women are annually trafficked into Western Europe

While society, women and men, view sex as a purchasable product provided by women, then women will still always be sold into slavery.
Pi: That's because I never tell you where I am!

Emma: I thought those robots worked free of charge! I suppose you'd have to pay for new batteries, oil and the annual garage service.

Beast: Nonsense, Beast, she is a self-made woman! Look at the promotional film I linked.

Wendy: One could equally argue that as long as work of any kind is viewed as a purchasable product then people will be sold into slavery. It should be possible to end this new slave trade without outlawing transactions between consenting adults.
Gorilla Gorilla....such a brilliant post! I don't understand why women get their panties in a knot when men 'pay' them for should indeed be seen as complimentary

I admit that i too have been earching for the perfect vibrator, but i would rather one that took longer than 10 seconds to get me off. Nothing like prolonging it right? :p
It seems we are not so different creatures after all, Mr. Bananas. For, like you, I always offer a lady a quick nibble on my nuts before intercourse.
Sabrina: Thanks you Saby dear. I was going to say "think of me when you have your next orgasm", but that would not be quite appropriate.

Lord Likely:M'lud, we are surely brothers under the hair.
Interesting and enlightening :-)

> Someone once asked me whether a gentleman should ever pay for sex. I replied that a gentleman should always pay for sex, if only to reassure the lady that she is worth it.
Well-said, gorilla! :-)
I agree that men should pay for sex...whether it be up front or in the form of flowers, chocolates, jewellery, perfume or paying for a cheap chinese on a date!

Good post...
Did you know that when human females are in oestrus they wear more red and expose more flesh?
Eve: Hello Eve, glad you enjoyed it!

Marmitelover: Is that so, Miss Marmite? The oestus cycle of the human female is a rather weak affair compared with female apes. Perhaps wearing red is an attempt to imitate the engorged vulva.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin