Monday, June 18, 2007

Becks snubbed!

The news that Mr Becks will have to wait another six months before getting his knighthood brought a frown to my hairy face. It seems that Beefy Botham was ahead of him in the queue. My disappointment is keenly felt, although not for the footballer. It is his wife, Victoria Spice, for whom I grind my teeth in discontent. Apparently she had already bought a one-shoulder leopard dress for her visit to the palace. It must be especially frustrating for her servants, who were no doubt looking forward to addressing her as Lady Becks. A woman who can nurture three babies in the body of a choir boy and squeeze them out of an aperture resembling a dolphin’s blowhole is worthy of the deepest respect. She may look like a pouting pixie, but in spirit she is the Amazon who laughs in the face of physical torment.

Having already sired three sons, the Becks naturally wish to give their boys a baby sister to pamper. But in their eagerness to conceive a girl, they have resorted to the unnatural practice of mating in an
upright position. Did you ever hear such an old wives’ tale?! How I wish that Victoria had consulted me before impaling herself on the Beckshaft. I would have approached the local witch doctor and sent her a crocodile’s tooth boiled in hen’s urine. If a woman puts one of those inside her cha-cha, her ova will be impenetrable to Y-chromosome sperm until the next full moon. If only humans would listen to a qualified physician before experimenting with all this superstitious nonsense.

Now a lot of people are
disgusted at the prospect of Mr Becks being knighted. They recall an infamous incident in which he kicked an Argentine player and cost his team a vital match. In his defence, once should note that the Argentine player thoroughly deserved a good kicking. The mistake made by Mr Becks was to do it himself during the game rather than hiring some goons to gang up on the fellow outside the stadium. However one can’t expect a simple footballer to have mastered the works of Sun Tzu and show expertise in military strategy. It is surely time to let bygones be bygones and accept that Mr Becks has risked his ankles for his country, amassing a fortune worthy of a nobleman in doing so.

The idea of opening up the British honours system to sportsmen and celebrities was dreamt up by the outgoing prime minister – Mr Tony Bear, as we call him in the Congo. Personally, I think it was a stroke of genius. Honouring people with unfamiliar faces is an invitation to fraud. If you give a knighthood to Ted Noggins, what is to stop any cross-eyed potato picker from turning up at Buckingham Palace and claiming the gold medallion for himself? The Queen of England can’t be expected to memorise the face of every tedious non-entity who’s oiled his way onto the honours list.

The next logical step would be to award knighthoods to famous glove puppets as well. Basil Brush would come top of the list now that his kind are a protected species. He’d need a lecture on royal protocol, of course, as no one wants to hear backchat from a smart-mouthed fox when the Queen is handing out prizes. Sir Basil Brush would be an icon for our age – and a symbol of restitution for millions of weary foxes who’ve been chased to virtual exhaustion by innumerable fat-arsed knights of the shire.

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I don't believe she actually gave birth to the boys. I believe she paid some Malaysian immigrant to do it for her...and then forced said immigrant emigrate so no one would ever know. But we'll find her. It's all in the stretch marks. The stretch marks are really a map.
GB as ever a thought provoking post. I don't follow football but a friend of mine who works in that sport tells me that DB is a bit of a little prick. Combining his little P and the fact that Lady Becks has had 3 caesarians I suspect that her cha cha would be more than capable of gripping a crocodiles tooth as recommended.

However my question is this, does the tooth have to be Croc specific. Will a tooth from a white Nile Croc do as well as say a Congo ridge back?
She doesn't smile much these days. Every time i see her she's looking more feral and cat-like too though and you don't see many guffawing wild-cats so I guess it stands yo reason.

The only sure-fire way to have a girl is to have pink gin and a fairy cake immediately after coitus. Like duh. Watching Sophie's Choice can't hurt either but that doesn't have conclusive studies to support it yet.

Basil does look very Lordly, I agree. These crooked yellowing teeth can't be bought - they can only come from old money and an aristocratic pedigree.
"Arise Sir Orville." Not something I hope to hear in my lifetime!

It is easy to admire Mrs Beckham, but like my mother and those before her, the skinny rich do not pop it out of their "dolphin's blow hole"; they get sliced open for a small fee and their clams stay nice and tight.
Ms R hears that women have been impaling themselves on the Beckshaft throughout the tenure of Lady Victoria so it is frankly,rather astonishing, he had Beckseeds to give.

Lord Milky,

I believe the Portland hospital down Regents Park way offers a service whereby breast implantations are removed before the slice, and returned after along with a tummy tuck and anything else that needs tightening.
Does anyone remember Wally Whyton and Pussycat Willum? I was saddened to learn that Wally died in 1997, aged 68 - to me he will always be that good looking young man in a cardigan. He also created Ollie Beak and Fred Barker. Ollie, Fred and Willum should definitely get Honours. Sooty should be made a member of the Order of the Garter.
I think a better method of chosing who gets a knighthood would be a phone in vote by average Britons. I am certain that Becks would have got his gong, along with Jordan and Justin Timberlake.
I was offered a K. but turned it down. I completely lost faith and was disillusioned when that school dinner lady got an OBE. What the fuck has she done in her life apart from turning out hard sprouts for a bunch of kids?
Kara: You underestimate the masochism of the British.

Uncle Norman: Only a Congo croc, of course. Those Nile ones are cissies.

Sam: I doubt she'd be hungry enough for a fairy cake after coitus. I've heard that Basil Brush is one of the few remaining toffs on British TV.

Lord Milky: I assume Orville is your butler. I completely overlooked the Caesarian trick. Stupid of me.

Ms Robinson: I expect Mr Becks argues that if he doesn't service all these women they might think he is gay. It's the classic excuse for the celebrity husband.

Lady Daphe: Good old Sooty! Remember how he was too shy to talk and always had to whisper into people's ears? Sweep deserves one too but I wouldn't have made Sooty's girlfriend a dame. Too affected and wet.

Jungle Jane: Jordan deserves an OBE for each tit. A phone vote would be brilliant! Just a matter of time before cats and horses would be knighted.

Mr Ratty: A lot of people like sprouts and have sexual fantasies about dinner ladies.
He's that bastard green duck. I want him shot. Who will rid me of the mongoloid duck?
GB, where is your place on the honors list? I assume your friend Dickie A. has put in a good word for you.

As for DB, why would the English be upset about him kicking an Argentinian. Isn't that what they did during Thatcher's time in office, pretty much for sport?

That's not a picture of the modern Basil Brush is it? If it is, he had really let himself go lately...
She was cuter as a Spice Girl! I hope they never have a girl, thye will be dressing her as a ho by 6months and she will be infested with STD's by 10!
I think they took the knighthood thing too far when they knighted Elton John. How can a queen be a knight?
Lord M: Cuddles the monkey that spent his time taunting Orville was even worse. He is a disgrace to GB's extended family. I will shoot them both, as long as you hold my coat.

GB: Did you turn your honours down this week? You must have been offered one, but I have you down as a Republican Ape.
Lord Milky: He wasn't important enough to get knighted. Maybe an MBE.

Randall: The problem was not that he kicked the Argentinian but that he got sent off for doing so. I explained why I turned down a knighthood in this post.

Jingo: Do you remember the young Basil Brush? I think his tail was more erect.

Jenny: Worse than that, they intend to call her 'Luna'. She'll be 'Loony' in the playground.

Captain Smack: I suppose they could have made him a dame, but John Gielgud set a precedent.

Miss Cheese: I thought you'd be an authority on glove puppets. Whether humans have a monarch doesn't concern me. But you are quite right, I did refuse an honour. I refer you to the link in my answer to Randall Sherman.
I'm all for handing it to the glove-puppets.
Basil has my vote.
His flaccid yellow teeth and snappy repartee had me at
"ha ha ha ha boom boom!"

Who needs Golden Balls when you have Golden Gloves...

boom boom
An MBE, a KBE; it's all the same to me.

Thank god for The Little Cheese. Pray tell, is there any change in that coat of yours?
How Victoria Beckham is even functioning is a mystery to me. One day her husband might come home and find her as nothing but an implant, waddled on the floor screaming for help.

As for your assumptions on the opening up of the British honour roll list, I say why not. If they're on the cover of The Sun, it's good enough for me.
I believe the correct term is "like a mouses ear".

Am I wrong or did Cuddles the monkey have a cocaine problem?

I thought Basil Brush was already a Sir. I nominate Nookie Bear.
Ever since she gave a knighthood to Sir Mix-a-Lot, a black rapper from Seattle who sang about the buttocks of fat women, I have often thought that the Queen was quite possibly someone who possesses a grand sense of humour.

p.s. Ever hear of Throwdown's metalcore version of 'Baby Got Back'? Classic.
Maybe if Beckham stayed in the UK and didn't run off to Yank land to avoid taxes he'd be knighted.
It seems people do mellow with age.
Salman Rushdie who has always been the most ungracious, grumpy visitor, whilst accepting hundreds of thousands of Pounds worth of free protection from us, is now said to be honoured to be honoured. If you see what I mean. Bit of a volte face that!
Daphne Wayne-Bough:

I am afraid that due to his financial situation, Ollie Beak was turned into a rectal wipe for people with terminal hemorrhoids. As a result he now goes by the double barrelled name of Ollie Brown-Beak.
Oh, my beloved Basil are a sweetie, GB. What a pleasant sight!

I don't like Posh Becks...never did. Not inspired by her with her millions...not impressed at all but don't understand why.
Glad we have something in common, my dearest ape. Wonder how your specific species do their baby girl/baby boy ape thing? Any idea?
It's but a short species hop from knighting Basil Brush to knighting the royal Corgis. And why not? Meantime, I'd pay good money to see Emu being knighted.

As for the Beckses,

. And there's not much more to be said really, is there?
Domestic Minx: He had a great laugh, didn't he? I think you'd be a great human storyteller for him, DM.

Lord Milky: My coat gets more lustrous by the year. More nit-filled as well.

Rosanna: Why not page 3 as well? Is it possible to honour a breast? Someone should look into this.

Eddie Waring: Is Nookie Bear still performing? The Hofmeister Bear might get more votes.

Fatman: I know little about these popular bands, but I approve of any ode to the rump.

Knudsen: Aren't you a tax exile yourself, Knudie? You must be loaded to afford all the booze and the hookers you get through.

Pi: Mr Rushdie has been humbled by age and adversity.

Ron: Thanks for this information. I never knew the fellow myself.

Suzy: We gorillas let nature take its course, Suzy. We don't tinker around with the reproductive process. Tinkering around too much leads to impotence.

Conan Drum: Did anyone find out what sex Emu was? It certainly had a taste for men's trousers.
The idea of Becks poring over The Art of war in horn-rimmed spectacles is to good an image to miss.

I suppose he has done a great service to English football, like formers knighthood winners Sir Bobby Charlton and Moore.

Like them, he bought home a World Cup and played faithfully in his home league until...

Hang on..
"A woman who can nurture three babies in the body of a choir boy and squeeze them out of an aperture resembling a dolphin’s blowhole is worthy of the deepest respect."

Hmmmph. I suppose it helps if you don't have a brain to feel pain.

Lord Milky had it right; the wealthy ones pick the day and the time for the slice, dice, deliver. The rest of us have to grab random nurses' nostrils and scream for epidurals.

Not that I am bitter.
I happened to conceive a healthy 10 pound girl the first time. Our secret? Three consecutive nookies all with passion and without breaking BONES.

This feat is impossible with these two dolts because I'm sure she'd fracture in two with the Beck pork sword invading in such quick succession upon her boyish bones.

And really, can you imagine a little girl growing up under such body image scrutiny from her role model?

This is natures' way of saying 'no fucking way, are you having a girl!'
As king of the jackanapes it is only right that Sir Becks be rewarded for being fabulous & famous.
Now that we are well ensconced in the Cult of the Amateur who other than wealthy celebrities should be legally elevated above the great unwashed.
They'll love addressing Skeletor Spice as Lady Posh in Beverly Hills.
What a wonderful, magical, time to be alive!
That Beckham lad, he's good, but he'd never get a game for Accrington Stanley. Personally, I'm all for ordinary joes getting these gongs.
I live in Killamory, didn't you read my profile? ach the CIA have yer head turned, have a banana lad.
In my part of the world, it's the prospect of a fat, balding old man being likely to be addressed as Sir Salman some time soon that's making more news.
Beckham's being knighted? Doesn't anyone else think the sight of a lady approaching him with a sword might be a bit beyond his intellect?
The last think we want him to do is kick the Queen in the shins...
Mosha: Becks didn't win the World Cup, but he's got a better head of hair than either Sir Bobby ever had.

Fat Sparrow: You should be proud your babies came out the same way they came in.

Ms Smack: Three consecutive ones? I hope your man had his balls checked afterwards. Still it's a small price to pay for a girl.

Homo E: I hope he remembers all the little people who put him where he is. He'll need someone to rest his feet on.

Ill Man: Knighting ugly people like Rushdie makes sense, no one's jealous of him.

Knudsen Isn't that in the Caymen Islands?

Sidhu: It's a curse for the man, he needed to keep a low profile and then this happens.

Freelance: They'll have to sedate him for the award ceremony, it's too much excitement for a simple fellow.
A title to bring a smile to my face this cold, gloomy morning.
Though I expected something along the lines of him being fined for wasting oxygen, better still, imprisoned, or even executed, for frittering away such a valuable resource. That, and the fact that he's alive.

No, I don't like him.
Yes, I'm in a bad mood.
Mr Bananas I do worry about poor Mrs Becks , she is obviously cant afford to eat properly , or has a tapeworm......I think the new basl brush has taken a leaf out of the Dale Winton , David Dickinson book of fake tans , he is a rather bizzare orange colour
That Basil Brush sort. Don't you think he's got the sort of mouth you would love to put your cock in?
So does that mean that if you shag standing up, then the really really strong girly sperm are the ones that outwit all laws of gravity and can swim fast upwards? Otherwise that's one theory that doesn't make sense!
How gorillas have perfect manners at meal times

Well I must say, it would appear that your species could teach humans a thing or two. read on
How are you doing today, GB?
Princess Stef: Heh! I hope you don't waste too much time fuming about him.

Beast: Ms Spice is hardy beneath the skin and bones, don't be fooled by appearance. Mr Brush is not a bad colour for a fox, but I worry about his tail.

Mrs Gap: They probably think male sperm are heavier, but it's codswallop in any case.

Mr Ratty: I'm glad you appreciate our table manners, but geting a blowjob from Mr Brush would be dangerous.

Suzy: I'm fine, I'll be reading you soon.
Mr Gorilla Bananas, I don't mind Beefy getting his gong, it's all shit anyhow and he was never slow to pass round the doobies, but I don't think that twerp Rushdie deserved one. He's been globtrotting with that cracking wife of his badmouthing Blighty to any ruffian who'll listen and then he has the gall to take our meaningless pompous self important honours from us? The man's a **** !
They hand out knighthoods to any old wretch these days. At least being a lord is still only reserved for the superior members of society.
Dr Maroon, how nice to hear from you. By God, you must have posted your comment from the Sea of Japan. Mr Rushdie perhaps deserved a knighthood for his skill in chatting up beautiful women. Certainly not for anything else.

Lord Likely, if you settle permanently in America you may yet be defrocked.
Can't think of what could have possibly induced me to write a comment as awful as that.
I think his balls were ok. He fired out two kids a few years later without any hassle!
What has Bazil Brush got a knighthood and David Beckham has not. How inconvenient for him. I just posted up his and victoria's ali g interview comic relief a few years ago that was well entertaining I started a celeb blog to see if I'd get any adsense clicks out of it ... well maybe I have I dont know ... ok I gotta go hit the off licence ... cheerio!
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