Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Subway romance

A correspondent sends me a heart-warming story from New York City. A young man notices a girl writing in her diary across a crowded subway carriage. Smitten by love, or possibly something stronger, he knows that he must speak to her. But alas! – she alights from the train before he can pluck up the courage to do so. In an agony of heartbroken remorse, he constructs a website displaying freehand drawings of the girl and himself, imploring the good citizens of the metropolis to help him trace her. And mirabile dictu, one of the girl’s friends clicks on the site and recognises her! Mr Patrick Moberg meets Miss Camille Hayton and they appear together on a TV chat show. After basking shyly in their brief moment of fame, they stroll off into the sunset, arm-in-arm.

Love at first sight is a curious concept for a gorilla. It implies that a fellow would fall for Cruella de Vil if her soul were packaged in the right body. Perhaps Ms de Vil would have been more lovable had her physical attributes been suitably appealing. But somehow I doubt it. The pages of history are littered with ladies who were beautiful but bad. The goddess Kali stuck out her tongue at her mortally wounded husband; the lady Messalina trounced Rome’s leading prostitute in a bonking content; Madam Mao Zedong was accurately described as “the baddest bitch in Beijing” by Chinese rap singer Ho Man Fuk. The sad fact is that a woman’s appearance tells you very little about her character, although I am reliably informed that the ones with tattoos make more noise in bed.

One thing that will have surely surprised young Patrick is that comely Camille is in fact Australian. Now, personally, I have yet to meet an Aussie girl I didn’t like. In general, they are easy-going, fun-loving ladies, with bottoms of above-average firmness (for humans). But will Miss Hayton be right for a romantic, sensitive lad such as Master Moberg? How will he respond to being called “a pillock” or “a drongo” in a spirit of playful banter? And how will she react to Patrick reciting poetry while they’re gazing at the New York skyline? Hopefully it will melt her heart, but what if she thinks he’s a poofter? The opportunities for cultural misunderstandings of this sort seem endless.

The picture of Camille drawn by Patrick suggests that her plump and rosy cheeks were a big part of the attraction. I don’t blame him for that. I myself have always had a weakness for women with chubby cheeks. There were several in my circus days who granted me the privilege of pinching their delectable face cushions. (I have similar ambitions for a couple of my female readers, who shall be nameless.) Hopefully Camille will be tickled pink at having a boyfriend who can’t get enough of her tasty chops. Looking at her photograph, another question comes to mind: Is there a polite way of asking a girl to massage your back with her chin? Having been a recipient of chin-to-back stimulation from female gorillas, I can assure you that Camille would be capable of grinding a man’s spinal cord into a state of transcendental bliss.

Perhaps the most amusing aspect of this uplifting tale is that Patrick received e-mails from young ladies who had no knowledge or interest in the whereabouts of Camille, but wished to present themselves in her stead.

“You’re so adorable!” they typically gushed. “Pick me instead!”

This reminds of a circus clown who prominently displayed a large portrait of his sister in his trailer. Visitors always asked him who she was. If he was with a woman he fancied, he would say that she was his late fiancé and break down in tears. Nine times out of ten, he ended up blubbering into their bosoms.

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I had something like that happen to me about a year ago. Well, not as drastic, but I got followed off the bus by some dude who kept saying "I don't care if you like me, I have to tell you how beautiful you are...", etc.

It wasn't romantic.

I now know self defense and own pepper spray.

The end.
GB- You've pretty much covered the Australian vocabulary there (though my personal favourite insult is "fuck knuckle" but I haven't been called that since I crashed my uncle's lawnmower into the side of his van). Interestingly even the police are thinking about using caricatures to identify criminals these days. Apparently when you exaggerate the features of people they are easier to identify than a straight out police sketch. (example: here of a mugger being caught due to a hastily scribbled sketch by Bill "Weg" Green.)
dear gorilla bananas. Nice to see you've been touched by a sliver of the romantic spirit. Perhaps you can launch your own campaign to get a different type of date for a while.
Am I the only one who clicked on the link to that guy's site and thought 'what strange writing he has'? All those elongated uprights - I'm sure a graphologist would have a field day.

Your line about the chin massage made me titter GB - quite an achievement given all the crap going on in my world at the moment. Thank you for that. :-) x
Like Kitty, I appreciated the line about the chin. As far as I am concerned, decent, well-built chins are highly underrated, and one of the ways we colonials can help enrich the British gene pool. And I've never once thought about using mine as a massage tool, so thanks for that tip too.
I have actualy fallen for cruella de vill i the past.
She was the girl freind of an aquaintance at the time.
When I got with her he warned me
humans lack the common sense so inherent in out noble ape brothers.
Kara: Your wildcat eyes must have driven him crazy with desire. If he'd not approached you and put up a website with your picture on it, would you have given him a date?

Fatman: Another brilliant idea from Down Under. It seems so obvious, but it took a rugged Aussie draftsman to think of it. Give my regards to Weggy.

Ms Moi: What did you have in mind? I'll try most things, but draw the line at baboons.

Kitty: I could hardly read his awful scrawl. Maybe it means he'll be a good lover. Glad to have made you smile, but sorry to hear about the crap.

Mary: I hope you will try it. Don't be shy, really dig it in along the spine. It's the only thing I'd ever ask from Miss Keira Knightly.

Hitch: So you fell for her looks then? Common sense is difficult when Mother Nature is playing tricks with your mind. It's an optical illusion.
*Big grin* *Laughing* Hmm, the lesson learnt from that pic is to be outstanding in some way (in her case, I'd think it was the fancy braided hair). But yes, although romantic, seems a bit pooflike...hehehhehe....
Would like to see how the story ends (but that will probably have to wait....)
I think it was the white streak in Cruella's hair that put me off. Angelica Huston was more my speed.

Oh, and no chins please. Chiropractors report chin massages are the most common cause of cervical disc herniations.

A couple of years ago whilst visiting my (then single) brother in London he got talking to a beautiful American girl in the Tube. She was clearly very interested in him and kept chatting as we got off the tube though I'm guessing it wasn't her stop.

My oblivious brother let her walk off without getting her number and then lamented how beautiful she was once the chance had passed.

He got a stern telling off from me. "That could have been your wife right there, you ass" I said, somewhat harshly.

Good to hear other blokes make a little more effort.
I see a romantic-comedy screenplay in their future. Very cute!
There's something quite suggestively perturbing about a man's scrawl. The last time someone showed me some stare-attention on the train, their journal was filled with such scribble.

I took note, obviously.
gorilla bananas!

Nice to meet you, via Goth's place.

Hola from the Hill Country of Texas.

And no, that asshole Dubya is NOT from here, he just carpetbags here...

Great story you wrote here.

Stop by sometime for some real Texas hospitality, you hear?

Eve: Tastes vary, Eve. I'm sure there are guys on buses who would have done the same for you. It would be interesting to find about on them, but they want their privacy.

Randall: Angelica Huston is a fine full-bodied women. I think you should try a chin-massage before passing judgement.

Misssy: Maybe you should have spoonfed him by asking for her number yourself.

Franki: I'd go and see it if she chin-massages him on screen.

Amoir: And he might have been writing about you, which is even more perturbing.

Hill: You'd better make your profile available first!
Mr. Bananas, I had no idea that you were in the circus? Where have I been? I hope you'll write more about those days soon.

Smooches, liv
I dunno. I can't believe in love at first sight. Lust certainly and we have little control over who we fancy. We don't have to do anything about it, mind but we can't help attraction.

Forehead massages are good too for the massager and the massagee.
fuck no.
Ah, I love that romantic story! Reminds me of my fantasy at the laundrette..

The chin massage sounds weird but I quite like it. I suppose it would be weird if a gorilla asked me to give a chin massage but I wouldn't refuse!
Hmmm... isnt this how we ended up with 'You're Beautiful' by James Blunt?

And talking of chins, what about the half formed, totally square one in his self portrait?

Still, I do love a good romance and hope that they will still be celebrating their love story at their Golden Wedding Anniversary in 50 or so years.
You are hilarious Gorilla! Of course the Camille/Patrick relationship will not last. The guy is a hopeless romantic for one thing. Many women wish men were more romantic but this guy is borderline obsessional/stalkerish IMHO.

I do belive in love at first sight. I have been battered over the head with the old coup de foudre on a couple of occasions. Yes, we did have an immediate sense of connection. Yes, I did fall madly in love with them. Did they ultimately end up not being right for me and did we in the end have a hugely acrimonious split?Yes, but it was still love at first sight.
Liv: My archives are full of circus stories, dear lady. Here is one that was popular with the ladies.

Sam: Spoken like a lady who has experienced the real thing.

Kara: Hehehe! I see you like to play hard to get! But that might have encouraged him!

Aku: I'm going to remember you said that, Miss Aku! But do you have the chin for it?

Mrs Cake: That chin was good for resting on the mantlepiece. I join you in giving them my hairy blessings.

Emma: I wouldn't wish that kind of love on anyone. It's more like a disease. Patrick obviously has a vivid imagination and has projected his fantasy woman onto poor Camille. It's not likely that she'll live up to it, but who knows?
Mr Bananas
I have some flea bites.
No doubt they came down this broadband link from yourself.
Okay, do tell... who has the best chubby cheaks on here? Hymn....
I hope this girl actually turned out to be a shoddily-drawn cartoon.
'blubbering into bosoms'? - it might catch on, in a weird jungle-type way
Franki- Hollywood Studios are indeed talking about making this in to a film. Probably something starring Tom Hanks. They have yet to approach me about making a film about my life when, one summer, I spent the majority of it groping women on subways. Or mugging them.
I tried this technique with a girl I saw on the 137 bus to Sonning Common. I drew a picture of us at it, and pinned it up in gents toilets throughout the Reading area. I await conjugal bliss.
Mr Bananas, I really think you should look at this link to fully understand the hardships we have to live with being mere mortal women and not gorgeous hairy gorillas
Hitch: I doubt it, Mr Hitch, but you could always try eating them. They're a tasty high-protein snack.

Jahooni: A gorilla never tells, but one of the ladies definitely knows.

Lord Likely: A fair point. I hear that cartoon porn is very popular in Japan.

Goth: It wouldn't work in the jungle, Goth. If you're going to water a woman's boobs, do it behind closed doors.

Fatman: Your link says they have spent nearly every day together since meeting. Let's hope it lasts until the movie premiere.

Mr Boyo: Somehow, I feel your people are more into oral communication. There must be some pithy Welsh phrase one deploys on girls who look ready for bit of bog snorkelling.

Mzungu Chick: Hello and welcome, Miss Chick. Alas, it is the fate of mortal women to be attracted to the bounder. The trick is to wait until they're about 60 when they've lost their appetite for philandering. It worked with Warren Beatty, anyway.
I must be a dreadful old cynic , but its seems slightly creepy rather than romantic , and then at the mention of the dreaded 'reality tv show' .......

I once shared a flat with loads of australian girls in London, the overriding memory of them is they moaned about everything.....all the time and sucked up their tea using Timtam biscuits
GB, "I'll fucks you and buy you chips" usually worked in Swansea, but these Thames Valleygirls want 350k houses, pre-nups and "peeling the durian", inter alia. I'll compose a poem, record it, and leave the tape at strategically-selected bus stops.
I fell in love once.


I'm so pleased to hear us Australian girls with rosy cheeks live up to our name. And what a lovely story it is. But I too wonder about love at first sight. Surely that rejects the notion that love is blind?
Love IS blind. And riddled with acne, toothless, tied to a chair in the basement and won't be able to testify in court should the police find her. At least that's what my cellmate, Bad Bud, used to tell me. If there is any justice in the world he will spend the rest of eternity burning in a sulpherous pit when the time comes.
Coming here is a surefire way to giggle lots. :)
Beast: Those Aussie girls you shared a flat with sound like transvestites to me. Real Aussie ladies do not whinge in the presence of a pom.

Mr Boyo: My search engine informs me that "the durian is a peculiar fruit with a strong odor that borders on the offensive". If Dylan Thomas isn't good enough for her, I'd direct her to a suitable kitchen implement if I were you.

Che: You shouldn't regret the feelings, only the behaviour they lead to.

Rosanna: I'm glad you liked the story, Rosanna. I thought you would. I think Patrick felt he could tell what kind of person Camille was just by watching her.

Fatman: That sounds like lust rather than love, Fatman. No wonder Kitty complained so much if you can't distinguish the two. You should have asked Bud for a romantic dinner first.

Ari: I hope you'll keep coming, Ma'am!
How about Lady Macbeth, GB?
no good boyo
you know of a house Going for 350k?
where, poland?
I think we can all agree that there is definitely lust at first for love...hmmm....i think they're just kidding themselves!
We shall see. Mr Moberg says they saw each other nearly every day during their first month.
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