Monday, December 08, 2008
Christmas shopping
An English tourist asks me if I’m keen on internet shopping.
“No, by God!” I reply emphatically. “In the first place, the monkeys would steal the goods I ordered. In the second place, there is nothing I would wish to order.”
“There must be something you want!” he exclaims. “Even gorillas need their toys.”
“It’s not a question of toys, my good man, but of trust! Didn’t you hear of the scoundrels who were arrested for selling fake penises on the internet? May they languish in gaol until they repent of their phallic fraud!”
“Seems a bit harsh,” he remarks. “If impersonating a cock is an imprisonable offence, half the male population of Dagenham should be doing time.”
Not being familiar with Dagenham, I decide to let him have the last word. I’m sure the place is nothing like as bad as he implies. All the same, I’ll remember to avoid it the next time I’m in England. Why take a chance?
It seems that a lot of people are using the internet as a less stressful way of doing their Christmas shopping. Thankfully, we don’t bother with such soulless chores in the jungle. Every Christmas, I present the manager of the safari camp with some freshly picked fruit and he gives me a portrait photo of his wife in return. A very good one, I should add. Someone must be pinching her bottom to get such expressions out of her. Anyway, these friendly gestures of seasonal goodwill do away with the need for vulgar commercialism and its attendant cash transactions.
I’m sorry to say that no similar custom existed in my circus days. Being the highest-paid performer, I felt obliged to splash out on Christmas gifts for my colleagues. After some vexing experiences in department stores, I hit upon the perfect solution in the form of Dr Whispnade’s goldsmith, one Joos ‘Juicy’ de Villiers. Born in South Africa, he fled the horrors of the apartheid regime in the 1970s and settled in a modest home in Mayfair. There was also a pending warrant for his arrest on smuggling charges, which he assured us were cooked up by the state security police to punish him for “helping the blicks” (as he put it).
Juicy’s speciality was gold coins, but not the ones issued by governments. He would mint you custom-made specie with any engraving that took your fancy. Being an imaginative ape, I designed an exquisite collection of ‘Bananarands’ to give as Christmas presents. The ladies loved coins with romantic inscriptions, e.g. a sleeping maiden beneath the epigram Your Head Forever On My Hairy Chest. The clowns preferred kinky ones, e.g. a drag performer with the words Old Man’s Petticoat inscribed thrice around the edge.
The wonderful thing about those gifts was the sentimental value they rapidly acquired. It soon became apparent that no one would sell their coins unless faced with the most abject penury. To this day, I know of a retired clown who refuses to part with his Bananarands to buy a new set of dentures. He would rather live on gruel and mashed potatoes than sell them for the handsome sum they would now fetch. Such honest devotion would have surely brought a tear to Scrooge’s pitiless eye. Think of that clown when you stagger away from this year’s Christmas lunch table, with bloated belly and giddy head. A human who values a treasured gift above false teeth is an example to us all.
Labels: Dagenham, false penis, false teeth, gold coins
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but those two ladies aren't shopping are they? I can see one knee hoisted and can only imagine what else is going on down there. Thanks
my favorite gift was the one handmade for me...by someone who loved me dearly...while it isn't worth anything to anyone else...it is the one possession i take with me...
I agree: A human who values a treasured gift above false teeth is an example to us all.
I already know my favorite gift: it will be a purring and snuggling Alex.
I already know my favorite gift: it will be a purring and snuggling Alex.
A thing of sentimental value is indeed worth a mouthful of false teeth. Though you could combine the two and have gold teeth engraved with mottos. How unpleasant would that be when a gran asks you to "come and read me gold teeth, young man; I'm 98, you know".
Joliet Jake: Certainly they've been shopping, look at the gift-wrapped items in the background. The stick of rock may have been donated free of charge.
Daisy: Do you wear it round your neck like a good luck charm?
Saintly Nick: May everyone be blessed with a purring pussy this Christmas.
Gadjo: I've never heard of gold dentures. It sounds like an interesting idea. Do you remember 'Jaws' in 'The Spy Who Loved Me'?
Nursemrya: I'd like to make you a bananarand bikini, Nursie.
Scarlet: We gorillas are adept at dangling from trees, Miss Scarlet. Do you have a big one?
Daisy: Do you wear it round your neck like a good luck charm?
Saintly Nick: May everyone be blessed with a purring pussy this Christmas.
Gadjo: I've never heard of gold dentures. It sounds like an interesting idea. Do you remember 'Jaws' in 'The Spy Who Loved Me'?
Nursemrya: I'd like to make you a bananarand bikini, Nursie.
Scarlet: We gorillas are adept at dangling from trees, Miss Scarlet. Do you have a big one?
gorilla...no it is sat on my desk...my son carved it out of granite and is a bit heavy around the neck area...
I'm confused, Mr Bananas, are you suggesting that the Congo is outside the remit of Santa? Perhaps it is a bit too politically charged at the moment for him, or maybe you've all been a bit too naughty this year?
Dagenham is indeed as risible as the fellow mentions. I like the idea of the coins. Novelty T-shirts with subtle in-joke motifs aren't bad for the shopper on a budget. If only I could afford the services of my very own goldsmith
Bananarands? You romantic devil Mr B - have this image of you tossing one to the lucky recipient as you sashay off into the jungle. I imagine they are worn like medallions by proud females (though not the men in petticoats?)
'Defacing the coins of the realm.'
Those were the days when one lived dangerously with not one but two bracelets - one made of little silver sixpences and one made of threepenny bits.
Those were the days when one lived dangerously with not one but two bracelets - one made of little silver sixpences and one made of threepenny bits.
Daisy: Ah I see. It sounds as if it would make an excellent paperweight.
Jade: He comes, Miss Jade, but alas we have no chimneys for him.
Mosha: You could always give people the chocolates wrapped in gold foil of which Miss Scarlet spoke. Do you know Dagenham well then?
Kate: You flatter me, Kate, I would be embarrassed to receive such adulation. Although I expect I'd get used to it with time.
Pi: Didn't you save the sixpences for the Christmas pud?
Scarlet: You know very well we jungle dwellers have huge ones, Miss Scarlet. If you continue with this line of questioning I may have to spank you.
Lulu LaBonne: Don't let me interrupt you, Miss LaBonne. When a woman laughs, you hear the animal within.
Jade: He comes, Miss Jade, but alas we have no chimneys for him.
Mosha: You could always give people the chocolates wrapped in gold foil of which Miss Scarlet spoke. Do you know Dagenham well then?
Kate: You flatter me, Kate, I would be embarrassed to receive such adulation. Although I expect I'd get used to it with time.
Pi: Didn't you save the sixpences for the Christmas pud?
Scarlet: You know very well we jungle dwellers have huge ones, Miss Scarlet. If you continue with this line of questioning I may have to spank you.
Lulu LaBonne: Don't let me interrupt you, Miss LaBonne. When a woman laughs, you hear the animal within.
Is Dagenham that bad? I only ever see it in the dark...
'Your head forever on my hairy chest' is one of the most romantic sentiments I have ever heard. I think I too would treasure such a possession.
'Your head forever on my hairy chest' is one of the most romantic sentiments I have ever heard. I think I too would treasure such a possession.
That clown isn't so unusual! Personally, I'd rather have a gold coin than a set of dentures any old day.
Topiary will now never think of gold coins the same way.
Not to mention the big peppermint sticks.
Moo!
Not to mention the big peppermint sticks.
Moo!
Kyknoord: Rich in energy, but very much an acquired taste.
Mrs Cake: Have you always liked hairy chests, Mrs Cake, or did they grow on you?
Mary: Hmm. Well let's hope you never have to choose between the two!
Topiary Cow: I hope your opinion of both of them has improved.
Scarlet: What makes you think it's peppermint flavoured?
Mrs Cake: Have you always liked hairy chests, Mrs Cake, or did they grow on you?
Mary: Hmm. Well let's hope you never have to choose between the two!
Topiary Cow: I hope your opinion of both of them has improved.
Scarlet: What makes you think it's peppermint flavoured?
of your two chosen images, there is only one that i would accept in my stocking on christmas morning. i'm going to leave it to you to decide which it is...but know that if you're wrong...you have to bake me cookies.
'Your severed head forever on my hairy chest' would add a Gothic frisson to proceedings. Nothing like a bit of amour fou to convince the ladies of your sincerity.
Personally I like a bit of vulgar commercialism.
My Granny used to live in Dagenham , what a dreadful tip!
My Granny used to live in Dagenham , what a dreadful tip!
I'd keep the one about hairy chests! And if I could mint them, the coin idea IS a very good one for a gift :-)
LOL... No, Mr Bananas, I have discovered that it is an acquired taste but Im hoping not an infectious one :)
Kara: Hah! I know you'd dearly love to get one of my gold coins. But you'll have to put on a tutu and dance for me first.
Mr Boyo: One for the the executioners, I feel. I wouldn't want anything so messy on my hairy chest.
Beast: Do you like shopping, Beast? You seem like a glutton for punishment in many respects.
Eve: I wonder why hairy chests are so popular with the ladies? I'm not complaining mind.
Mrs Cake: Every bird needs a nest, Mrs Cake.
Lady Daphne: Let's hope Barry can keep it in his pants.
Tabby: Try eating it without using your teeth. It's all in the tongue action.
Mr Boyo: One for the the executioners, I feel. I wouldn't want anything so messy on my hairy chest.
Beast: Do you like shopping, Beast? You seem like a glutton for punishment in many respects.
Eve: I wonder why hairy chests are so popular with the ladies? I'm not complaining mind.
Mrs Cake: Every bird needs a nest, Mrs Cake.
Lady Daphne: Let's hope Barry can keep it in his pants.
Tabby: Try eating it without using your teeth. It's all in the tongue action.
I guess it's cos somewhere along the line, we've been conditioned to think it's masculine. On the other hand, I don't like beards at all! And then again, maybe it's like things seen and unseen - the beard of hair is stuck on your face, vs with the hair, which might barely peek out of the top of an open T-shirt (which is acceptable, although that would be very hairy indeed, I think - the alternative is that the hair is revealed only when the shirt is removed, thus making it a very private thing....)
oh eve...don't give up on a little facial hair...the tickle from a well groomed mustache and goatee is...um...exhilarating!!!
Yes, ladies, hair on the male of the species is always good - unless it's growing out of the nose or ears.
This doesn't have much to do with Christmas, but my favorite oddity from Amazon dot com was a rubber mold of Jenna Jameson's buttocks and vagina. No torso, no legs, just a replica arse 'n' cunt.
I'd hate to order it from Amazon Marketplace under the "Used" section.
I'd hate to order it from Amazon Marketplace under the "Used" section.
Chris V: So if you meet her you can say "Let me go down you, Jenna, I've been practicing on a replica for years."
Static: I give you permission to right click and save.
Sabrina: How about "Your butt forever on my hairy chest", Saby?
Static: I give you permission to right click and save.
Sabrina: How about "Your butt forever on my hairy chest", Saby?
Well enough from the hushed and terrified whispers of those who live within its proximity to avoid journeying there myself. But perhaps I should reserve judgement until I have seen it with my own eyes.
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