Monday, September 24, 2007

Dolly and Benny

It always worries me when eminent humans vanish from public life. Two that currently seem to be dodging the media spotlight are Dolly Parton and the Pope. Gone are the days when they dominated the airwaves, scattering seeds of enlightenment to the voracious peckers of intemperance and folly. Their respective fan clubs assure me that they are alive, healthy and eating plenty of fruit, but that doesn’t begin to ease my disquiet. Even the great and good have inner demons that must be wrestled to the floor or subjected to the full nelson. They might also be suffering from corns, which can distract and bewilder the finest of minds.

Miss Parton has long been an idol to gorillas. We hail her as the Queen of country music and the Fairy Godmother of faithful wives. Unlike Tammy Wynette, she really did stand by her man, even when she couldn’t stand him. And through it all, she scaled the lofty peak of excellence as composer, philosopher and mistress of the bon mot.

“If I have one more facelift I’ll have a beard!” she quipped to Oprah Winfrey, the heavyweight hostess, herself immune to all levitation, facial or otherwise.

Of course, Miss Parton has had her fair share of mockers, particularly in respect of her knockers. I was chairing a seminar about her at the annual simian convention when a smirking baboon declared that she possessed “the vastest tits in the West”. It was obviously a line he’d heard in a movie – baboons are incapable of spontaneous wit and Miss Parton is from the South, not the West.

“You insolent monkey!” I cried. “It is not the vast tits that matter but the woman attached to them! You may discuss Miss Parton’s stupendous melons when you have won seven Grammy Awards and a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame! In the meantime shut your termite-hole!”

My rebuke was greeted with thunderous applause from the assembled delegates.

As for the Pope, do you remember how popular he was when he was crowned High Pontiff? It was all “Pope Benny this and Pope Benny that and what will the new Pope’s policy be on the colour of nuns’ knickers in Santo Domingo.” Yet now he seems quite isolated, mumbling away in Latin while the world looks the other way. If you ask me, he needs a woman in his life – preferably a lady who likes to wear the trousers, given his own penchant for frocks. I said as much to an Irishman at the safari camp, suggesting that K D Lang, the Canadian chanteuse, would make an excellent papal bride.

“Der Holy Farder can’t be marryin’ Miss Lang!” he exclaimed. “She’d be a Protestant, she would!”

“There’s nothing wrong with mixed marriages in this day-and-age,” I retorted. “Have you not heard of the Sudanese man who married a goat?”

The Irishman said that he hadn’t and bit his lip. The goat has now sadly passed away, her obituary published by the BBC. Yet she and her husband surely found contentment in their fleeting union, sharing intimacies while tickling each other’s beards. Their example will doubtless inspire other couples contemplating wedlock across an abyss of mismatched race or creed. If a man can marry a goat, he can certainly marry a Protestant.

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If memory serves me right, GB, Ms Lang is more likely to fancy Dolly Parton than pope Benny. I would have thought the obvious target for the pontif's affections would be spirit of the soon-to-be-beatified Mother Theresa. No physical intimacy required, and not much likelihood of infidelity either.
K D Lang released a beautiful CD last year (I think, if memory serves me well) but it wasn't quite as good as Dolly Parton's version of 'Knocking on Heavens Door'.

I imagine critics would say that's not all she's knocking on.

If a man can marry a goat, he can certainly marry a Protestant..

Thank goodness for that, or I'd never be wed.
Awww poor Rose (the goat) ... choked to death on scraps of a plastic bag. The perils of modern Sudanese life, eh? She survived being possessed by a human but was no match for a plastic bag.

Had it occurred to you that Benny and Dolly might be missing together ... now that would be a story.
As I recall, the Sudanese fella was forced to marry this goat at gunpoint. I can only hope there was love involved GB. Otherwise this would mean that the goat was forced to marry her rapist which is not that funny in my books. is kind of funny.

Pope "Eggs" Benedict is actually far from healthy. Sure, he's the pontiff, but he's also an old, old man who has suffered a slew of medical problems and unable to windsurf as he did as a young lad. Not being the centre of media attention is doing him a world of good I feel since even a single bright flash from a camera could potentially kill him. I think if he ever does a world tour it will be in an urn.
"Eggs" (ha! nice one, Fatman) is making JP2 look like a woolly liberal with some of his latest edicts. It's not called papal bull for nothing is it? What's the point in him marrying a woman who looks like a man, when he's got some cracking Swiss Guards at his beck and call?
GB- I have never married a goat but have shagged a few dogs in my time.

I must take issue on the point of why the pontiff cannot marry Ms Lange. It is not because of her religion rather her sexual orientation. Is she or is she not a Canadian?
Dr Joseph: Mother Therese was a feisty old bat, but I have a feeling she'd be too submissive with the Pope.

Rosanna: You're not a Catholic? I thought Melbourne was a papist city. K D Lang would look good in a dog collar, there's something very priestly about her.

Kitty: Perhaps Benny and Dolly have sailed off together like the owl and the pussycat. That goat...she should have just eaten what her husband did instead of trying fancy dishes.

Fatman: I don't believe one man can rape a goat. What's to stop her from walking off? Benny the Egg is haler than he looks. Don't forget that he's conserved his jism.

Lady Daphne: He can't marry a man because sodomy is a mortal sin for Catholics. K D Lang would dominate him in bed without buggering him.

Uncle Norman: The apartheid-era law prohbiting sex between Canadians and other humans was repealed ages ago. I'd like to see K D enter the Miss Canada contest. I think she'd be a good bet for the title.
First we'd have to get over the whole Catholic clergy can't marry hurdle...

and certainly there could be a suitable Catholic mate for the pope if that were taken care of.

I don't think that His Holiness would care for KD or her constant cravings...
I've only just realized it, but K D Lang bears a striking resemblance to the young P J O'Rourke, one of our most entertaining American writers. Who is, despite the name, a Proddy. Wonder if they're related?
Judging by the look of Pope Benny's headwear, he seems to have tossed his hat squarely into the 'howdy' ring. Advantage Dolly. And if I'm not mistaken, he's trying to sneak a peek down Dolly's decolletage, reminding him that it's been a while since he's seen the Alps.
Ahhh, Ratzinger the Pope. Sounds like a Disney villain, doesn't it? The kind that would be voiced by Joe Pesci or someone reeeeeally James Lipton.
Bless little Benny, he's dressed up like Jessie from Toy Story with that darling little hat.

Are you sure that he should be left in charge of all that money? I mean, in charge of all that religion?
I'm not even remotely Catholic. If I was, I'd be the worst Catholic in the whole world.
Lang's certainly untainted in some respects...
Liv: The catholic clergy can't marry? Isn't that an invitation to fornication?

Mary: Maybe if P J had a facelift she'd be like him. I can't really tell with all his jowls.

Cooper: He must have had a good reason for putting on that hat. Maybe the pigeons were gathering over St Peter's Square.

Kara: Ratzinger was his fallible name, he's past all that now. I think you'd look good being blessed by him - a photo idea for your European vacation?

Missy: He's got his mind on higher things than money these days. Someone has to rule on the legality of different sex acts.

Rosanna: Maybe you should consider joining up. Confessing everything might be fun.

Ari: I wonder if she uses strap-ons...
The Pope has a saturday job at a chippie in Bournmeuth - I guess the religion thing is not as profitable as it used to be - as for Dolly Parton she has contracted the mange from having sex with a dog...
I've always been wary of beards myself...
They are a ticklish thing and are inclined to wedge themselves between one's teeth.
I imagine Dolly's much discussed beard may well have lodged itself in her lower mandible by now, providing a wonderful disguise in her obvious escape...
If his holiness could only open a theme park to rival Dollywood all may be well.
Personally I find K D Lange a bit frightening
I bet she bites !
Hi GB,
I saw a BBC interview with Dolly Parton a little while back. She's touchy about being called old in any way at all or being hinted at that she may be past her prime.
She'd have a major fit when it comes to 'corns'. :-)
Working 9 to 5, that's no way to make a livin...evidently that's true, look at what La Parton is wearing. Now Mermaids are not that fond of clothes, and we should not judge, but Dolly should know better than to put on such a stupid hat. And the Pope? SHame on him for wearing all that make-up and getting a boob job. What is the world coming to?
What actually happened in Dolly's case is that her sillicone implants decided they wanted a share of the limelight and her earnings. You are quite near the mark when you said: Even the great and good have inner demons that must be wrestled to the floor or subjected to the full nelson.
As a member of Dolly's inner circle I can inform you that her implants are constantly threatening to break free and she does indeed spend many a morning wrestling them into her industrial steel bra cups. But it's only a matter of time before they break free and go off and get their own agents and sell their stories to the papers. You read it here first!
That pic of the pope looks a little like an older version of the mexican bandit in the previous post.
I admire their talent and Dolly's SOH. Not sure if KD has one. She'd need one to marry the Pope
fuck THAT noise...i'm not going anywhere NEAR the vatican. i did that once and some japanese tourist tried to skewer me with an umbrella.

and you can't escape a name like 'Ratzinger', i don't care how infallible he thinks he is.
Mutley: You had sex with Dolly Parton? You're always making idle boasts of that sort.

Domestic Minx: Biting beards is a bad habit, dear Minx. The goat's name is Rose - I'm sure you didn't mean to insult Miss Parton.

Beast: Really? I'm not convinced she's 100% lesbian.

Suzy: That's a sad attitude for one who has achieved so much. Even young people get corns.

Mermaid: Dolly and the Pope are big enough to shrug off your cruel jests, Mermaid. Small bosoms are for swimmers, not performing artists.

Emma: Insulting Miss Parton's boobs is a spankable offence. She named them Pinky and Perky and treats them like pets.

Zuba: He could probably do the gloating snigger if the right woman came along.

Pi: I never knew Dolly owned the Sydney Opera House. It's too late for K D to buy it if she does.

Kara: Pity. Someone ought to bless you - you're the perfect size and shape for it.
Dude. Gorilla, I don't make the rules, I just report the facts...
Dangitall Nanas, I haven't the time to read this right now. I'll do so later when I return from the pub quiz. Perhaps I'll light a candle and we can share a bottle of wine. Perhaps I'll slip into a filmy negligee and ... eh, scraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatchyrecordnoise, hold up - not if its about Pope Ratzinger I won't. Bleurgh!

Oh but I've missed you, you great hairy nana, you...

GB as I said on my own blog today I fear I am once again infatuated with you, even more so now I see your concern for those that nobody else thinks about. But mostly because you did not avoid the twinning of 'mockers' and 'knockers'. Yours faithfully, Ms R.
That is the least terrifying picture I have ever seen of Darth Benedict.

He scares me a lot.

Retreating to the Bosom of Parton right now would probably soothe me no end. you very well know I adore being spanked, especially by big gorillas. Well you did ask for that case I will insult them further! You no good bags of stinking silicone! You are not worthy to nestle beneath Dolly's wrinkled flesh! I would poke you with a knitting needle if I could.

Can i be spanked now? ;)
Well, ok, I guess humans marrying animals is alright... but couples should at least be from the same kingdom. Otherwise, you'd have guys marrying vegetables, and that's just sick.
Dolly once said "It takes a lot of money to look this cheap." who couldn't love the woman who said that?

Ratzinger, without fail, reminds me of this

Every time.
Liv: Didn't Pontius Pilate say something like that?

Sam: Welcome back, you naughty housewife! One day I'll make you confess all your sins! The Pope is losing his mojo but Dolly will be a poet to the last breath.

Ms Robinson: Kisses to you, Ms R. I can't get enough of your lovin'.

Mosha: Benny's fangs are worse than his bite, but you're right about Dolly's boobs. A pair of comforters.

Emma: Thwack! Thwack! (followed by gentle rubbing to ease the burning pain).

Captain Smack: I dunno, I heard that pumpkins make great wives and even better mistresses (they never kiss and tell).
Gorilla, you're getting as surly as that bpp fellow. i don't think i like the implication in your above comment.
GB...AAAAH....thanks, I needed that. Been quite a bad girl recently what with murdering me ma and all ;)
Wonderful stuff.
Howdi dreat blog. Your right about Dolly, some people have no respect for her. After all she gave Whitney “I will always love you” and off course “Coat of many Colours” the latter is my party piece.
Despite being anointed as High Pontiff, I do not think I have ever seen the Pope smoking any marijuana at all.

Having said that, he does seem to be in a permanent state of intoxication, so maybe he lights up in private.
Liv: I am shocked to compared with that rogue BPP! Pilate was a righteous man by comparison!

Emma: I like your mother. Ask her if she fancies gorillas.

Dr Maroon: Thanks Dr, I hoped it would be your cup of tea.

Nonny: Thanks Nonny. Dolly is indeed a great figure as well as a fulsome one.

Lord Likely: You should consider inviting him over for a weekend, M'Lud. I bet you'd show him a thing or two.
GB.....I've asked her and she does. How do you feel about relocating to Vienna?
I've never seen that type of hat on a Pope before. He looks like a papal cowboy. (I am now going to hell for even thinking that)
Emma: I was rather hoping she'd relocate in the Congo wearing one of those cave girl bikinis.

Trish: You won't go to hell, Trish, calling the Pope a cowboy is a mark of respect. The lasso is mightier than the staff.
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