Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Von Trapped by a nun

I had no idea that The Sound of Music had been revived as a stage musical in London until a French tourist told me about it the other day. This young fellow had been to see the show, which had affected him deeply.

“It is now my desire to make love to a beautiful nun and marry her,” he declared.

Perhaps he was taking the story too literally. Ambition is a fine thing in the young, but one has to have a sense of what is feasible.

“I don’t want to puncture your balloon, Henri, but I believe that nuns take a vow of lifelong chastity,” I said. “Maria was just an apprentice.”

My cautionary words left him undaunted. “I think they just pretend,” he said. “They ‘play hard to get’ as you say. I can see the passion in their eyes.”

He did have a point about their eyes, but I doubted their piety was a façade to attract suitors. Humans are certainly devious creatures, but not so devious as to submit to the rigours of convent life in the hope that some Gallic Romeo will take a fancy to them.

“I expect the ardour in their eyes is for God,” I said. “He’s tough competition, Henri, even for a man of your good looks.”

Henri raised his left eyebrow and grinned. “When I make love to a woman she cries the name of God,” he boasted. “So you see, GB, I am not jealous of God. I am even willing to share a woman with Him!”

There was obviously nothing I could say to dent the confidence of a man who thought he was doing the Almighty a favour every time he made a woman climax.

“That’s mighty generous of you, Henri,” I remarked, “but I suggest you chat up Mother Superior before stealing the heart of one of her girls. You might have more to fear from her than God.”

Henri laughed and promised to send me photos of his ‘Maria’, both with and without the habit. It remains to be seen whether life will successfully mimic art.

I’ve never seen The Sound of Music on stage, but I regret that the famous film version gives me belly cramps. Call me old-fashioned, but a fresh-faced Austrian girl is not worthy of the description unless she speaks English in one of those delightful “little Miss Fräulein” accents, complete with all the Teutonic vowels. Julie Andrews was horribly miscast as Maria, and her inability to do the voice meant that Christopher Plummer (who is a master of accents) was forced to play Captain von Trapp as an English gentleman. No wonder he hates the movie. I enjoy a cut-glass English accent as much as the next ape, but there is a time and a place for everything.

The storyline is also implausible. When Maria arrives on the scene, Captain von Trapp is engaged to a buxom baroness with a sizeable personal fortune and a sturdy pair of calves. I can’t think of a man less likely to cast her aside for an earnest young chit who sings pretty songs and gives every indication of wanting to add to his existing brood of seven. You can’t have it both ways. Either the Captain was a tough, unsentimental naval commander who liked everything to be in its right place, or a big softie who pined for girls in white dresses and blue satin sashes. The idea that the former could be changed into the latter by singing a few syrupy songs is corny in the extreme.

In my version of the story, I’d replace the Captain with a young Frenchman called Henri who runs a dating agency for nuns. All the men who apply are carefully vetted to ensure they are either impotent or gay, so the nuns can be wined and dined without endangering their holy vows. But then Henri falls in love with a young nun called Maria and selects himself for her date. One thing leads to another and Maria leaves the convent for the delights of Henri’s boudoir. Throw in a few singing orphans and I’m confident it would be a smash.

I'd pay in rare currencies that you have to queue for a long time in a centrally located bank to get, to see that version, Mister Nanas.

In fact I'd audition for the role of 1st or 2nd nun in such a movie, despite my blank acting CV.
Hang on to Henri, he might be useful for you rfeild research, sounds like a man who doesn't mind getting his hands dirty in the service of women.
Your screenplay would undoubtedly make a smash hit film, Gorilla B. Of course the Vatican might have views.
You could call it 'The Sound of Muzak' and add some healthy skin into the mix.

You know the sort of thing - bible recitals, rosary beads used inappropriately, that sort of thing.

Henri should play himself. He sounds like he has a natural, likeable arrogance that is a necessity in the cut and thrust world of such liberal cinema
If you are casting I do have a nun's outfit not dissimilar to the one pictured which I bought for a vicar and tarts party (I went as both). Just so long as I don't have any love scenes. Thinking of which Henri may be subdued by watching the movie 'Nuns on the run'? He may need a stiff brandy to go with it.
"All the men who apply are carefully vetted to ensure they are either impotent or gay."

Would never work. You'd get loads of offers from men who are pretending. I know I would have.
Did you ever see Nuns on The Run?
Get to it, Mr Bananas. High cinema, I believe it's called.
Which means you missed the 'search' for Maria competition, screened right into UK homes?

I think they had about 300 rejects, perhaps your friend could start from there and work his way up to the prize.
Sam, I'd give you the leading part if I were the casting director.

Helga, he didn't go into those kind of details, but I suspect that you're right.

Atyllah, the Vatican might not like it. But then I'm not keen on the Pope's frock.

Mosha, you've got Henri to a tee. "Likeable arrogance" as you say. How would you like being his understudy?

Baron, you reveal yourself as a kinky devil!

Tarzan, maybe a few details need work. Chemical castration might be the answer.

Kieran, I've seen it and there's a long quote from Robbie Coltrane which I'd like to get hold of. He's telling Eric Idle that Sister Mary of the Annunciation was not so named to hear him announce that he won't be using the communal shower because he's scared that someone might see his dick.

Drama Queen, I'm shockingly ill-informed about certain things. I only found out yesterday there was a parliament in Scotland. They'll be wanting their own ministers next! I sense that you don't like Henri. Not your sort of chap, then?
Gosh trust those Scots eh? And you thought they were always too pissed to manage a country. . .

As for Henri - I have known worse!
Have you ever noticed that any and all films about ancient Greeks or Romans (gods and humans alike) are also filled with gorgeous British accents? Or horrible American attempts at British accents (what the FUCK were you thinking Brad Pitt??)? I've always found this disturbing. Why does British English get to corner the market on visual interpretations of the reinactment of the battle of (insert battle) or the birth of (insert man/god). Why can't Hercules be played by Billy Bob Thornton? You get the idea.
Well actually, in most Hollywood films the guy with the cut-glass accent is either a baddie or a Roman. I personally find this very helpful.
You have some good ideas Mr Bananas - but you forgot to include a part for a knicker sniffing Nuns Jack Russel Terrier who would be responsible for looking after all the girls underwear!
Bock is right, Kara. The Brits only play the good guys if there are no Americans in the cast.

Panty sniffing is overrated, Mutley. Men (and dogs) who sniff ladies' knickers usually end up wearing them.
The sound of Mucous naughty Christopher Plummer called it. Julie wasn't ideal casting but she won the hearts of lots of people who would see it scores of times. Audrey wasn't ideal in 'My Fair Lady' - she couldn't sing and her accent was risible but who could forget her?
The girl in the nun's dress has a look of Audrey.
Truly, Julie/Maria was our Queen of Goatherds. Hmm. I may be mixing my musicals. Cardinal sin, that.

Of course the dating agency would be called The Nunnypot. Or maybe Nun-a-licious. Or 'Simply Wimple'. You get to date the nun, wine her, dine her, but at the end of the evening all you get to do is wear her clothes.

Hmm. Possibly thinking about this too hard. I've not seen the film/show. I'll take your hirsute advice and avoid.
I don't find nuns that sexy. They usually (insert token "bad habit" gag) of being either (insert allusions of lesbianism/ being wronged by multiple sailors comment) or (insert graphic desriptions of yeti-like breasts and holier-than-thou attitudes). When I see a gaggle of nuns I tend to cross the street in fear of getting my knuckles whacked my rulers. If Henri gets hard over thoughts of nuns and/or Julie Andrews then good for him.

I vote calling the nun dating agency Getting Nun.
You might get some ideas from Jake Thackray's song "Sister Josephine".
Euwwwww... I think the frensh tourists has missed the whole point of being a nun...
I like to think that underneath those flowing black robes, most nuns are actually riding unicycles. This explains the smooth 'glide' as they cruise from one good deed to the next.

As for your script, Mr Bananas, i would like to put myself forward as third singing orphan from the left. I can't actually sing a note but i could bring my friend who could stand behind a curtain and do the singing for me. I think this arrangement would work because i'm quite photogenic, whereas my friend has a face like a dog's arse. I haven't done any acting before and i know nothing about films but i am available most Tuesdays.
Thanks for the tip Baralbion:

Oh Sister Josephine
What do all these Policemen mean
By coming to the convent in a grim limousine
After Sister Josephine

Rest of song here.
Pi: a lot of people did love her in the role, but the man who prefers Maria to Mary Poppins is not a real man.

Monk Quixote: Good suggestions, apart from the gratuitous reference to goatherds. My idea was "Nun too sexy" but maybe that's too obvious.

Fatman: Something tells me you were brought up in the Roman Catholic church. Or maybe just watched The Blues Brothers too many times.

Crashdummie: Who really knows what nuns want? You cannot resist temptation unless you are first tempted, which is why a man like Henri is a servant of the Lord.

Asym42: I'd like to hire you, but frankly I don't trust you. Beneath the veneer of levity, I sense the brooding sadism of a man who would torture a parrot to death with a dental pick. You might want to check out the blog of my friend Fatman, who is as witty as you are but much less sinister.
How about developing the story between Henri and Maria into a full-length play? I'm sure it'll be even more popular than The Sound of Music itself.
Make it as mushy as you can.
It's the photo, isn't it. I was having a bad hair day at the time.
I'n wearing skimpy pants right now!
Fantastic idea, but what will you call it?

The Vagina Synagogues

Waiting for Godot, Trappot and Henri

Blood Brothers and the Sisters of the Holy Blue Sash and the Immaculate Kitten

The Sound of Whining

The list is of original titles is endless, no doubt....
Brits always the bad guys? Um, if I remember correctly, the young Nazi in the film had no accent whatsoever. And certianly NOT a British one. Besides...I don't care what you say. Sound of Music rocks. If it weren't for that movie, I would NEVER know what a female deer is called. You can't PAY for that kind of free education.
HA! Found you through Minx link. Had to check out the Sound of Music.

This doesn't look like any nun I know. Mine always had warts on their noses and a crazed look in their eyes. They may have been in heels, but usually wore white sox and didn't shave their legs.

Begs the question: How do you solve a problem like Maria?

I'm snowed in again today, in case you were wondering why my typing is manic. Looking into sleds and fitting the dog with a harness.

The husband is buried in the basement. Behind the furnace. No one will ever know. (I'm kidding, of course)

Love your blog! You are very literate for a gorilla.

Mutley, take a long look at yourself in a mirror and ponder on your fall from grace.

Sounds like hard work, Miao. I'll have to correspond more with Henri first.

Sister Maria kicks the habit is another possiblity, Minx.

You're really into British accents, aren't you Kara? I hope it all works out for you. You deserve nothing but the best that Her Majesty's realm has to offer.

Hello Roberta and welcome to the show. Check out Kara's blog as well. She's an American version of Sybil Fawlty...only more shrewish...and more attractive.
I will check out Sybil's blog. Thanks for the redirect.

Do all gorillas play this nice?

"Sound of Music rocks"?

A bit of an oxymoron by your correspondent, if you don't mind my saying so, Mr Bananas.
可能整件事应该被设置在中国! Miao 能有零件作为尼姑的当中一个! 她是我的最好的朋友!!
The possible matter to be supposed to establish in China! Miao can have the components to take nun's middle! She is my best friend! !

I would love to accept the offer, but, sadly, the experience would be akin to watching a fellow man dine on the finest cut of hog whilst I myself am forced to dine on Spam.
It is NOT an oxymoron, is a FACT! Especially if I wasn't talking about the film at all. But I was...and it still applies.

As for being called a shrewish Sybil Fawlty...well, I've got nothin'. That woman had fabulous hair.
Miao is your best friend, Mu Tai? Doesn't she live in East Asia? What a woman of mystery you are! James Bond has an affair with a woman like you when he's got a mission in Bridport.
what the sound of music lacks is a bit of hot lesbian sex.....
Mother superior with a 20 inch double ender perhaps ???

now that would boost the ratings
I just wrote the wittiest comment ever, then it got wiped loggin in.

Fuck it.

Did the non-human primate action here. Yes indeed. I link you a lot.
I meant 'dig'. Sorry. I'm pissed.
Lesbians are never a bad thing, Beast, but it's interesting that you mention Mother Superior rather than Maria. Got a few issues with domineering women?

Never mind, Tickles, you'll think of a better one tomorrow. I dig you too.
Sorry I was drubk when I made my previous post - I want to make it clear that I do not have fantasies about sniffing Nuns underwear! No really *slinks away*
I stayed at a convent once, oddly enough it was where I first began to discover my homosexuality.

Ah Ben, if you ever read this, I miss your massages! The way your hands felt, the way you carassed me, the way your habit covered your adam's apple. Those were the days...
Could a nymphomaniac not dress like a nun and simply makebelieve?
Thank you for linkng me, JA.
You're one hairy sweetie. :-)
The Sound of Music is one of my favourite films. I was only sorry that Captain Von Trapp didn't marry the Baroness, her dress sense was impeccable. I rather model myself on her even now.
My 2.5 cam tall mutated micro push-me-pull-you is greatly cheered by your pciture on the screen. If I survive being incarcerated in a giant nappy with to faded 80ss TV stars I shall name him Gorilla Bananas after you.
heh. nice stuff you got here, GB. definately something to bookmark
you know for a moment I read sacred vows as sacred cows. But the storyline is great. Maybe you should go for it.. Write away GB. The world waits with bated breath for the Real Sound of Music.
Hello Freelance cynic: was Ben dressed in a nun's habit then?

Dear Susan, the nyphomaniac nun gives herself away by her underwear.

Lady Daphne, I always thought you modelled yourself on Lady Roughdiamond in Carry on up the Khyber (runs for cover).

Mutley, you can't call a Push-Me-Pull-You 'Gorilla'.

Welcome, Mr Knife.

Saleeha: now I wish I'd written 'sacred cows'.
Or perhaps wearing none at all.
Forgive the pun. :-)
Or does she GROAN a complainant, bored "Goddddd...." when he makes love to a woman, i wonder? Just a thought.
You don't like Henri, do you Lynn?
Haha, literally snorted while reading this post. How embarrassing.

I always thought Captain Von Trapp was a bit of a dish, he'd get me kicking the habit any day.

Well, I thought that until I saw him in a Danielle Steel telemovie made forty years later and he had a face wrinklier than a baboons bum (no offence to your primate bretheren Mr Bananas), and he played a creepy rapist ghost.

Will definitely be linking you to my blog.
Glad you enjoyed it Lizzy and say what you like about baboons. Those cheeky swine deserve a good thrashing. Assuming you're Lizzy from Australia, I'll link back to you.
This post was one delicious turn of phrase after another. Bravo! :)
Now that is a hot nun outfit!!!!!
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