Wednesday, July 12, 2017
Snakebite
I’m no fan of snakes, but I confess to a sneaking admiration for the rattlesnake that bit a man from Florida in the face. This incomparable oaf had tried to kiss the rattler for reasons that remain mysterious. His neighbour claims that he had boasted he could “kiss the Devil” and get away with it. Evidently, the rattlesnake was made of sturdier stuff than Satan and sent the audacious nincompoop to hospital with a life-threatening dose of venom. He is no longer in critical condition, but his frontal lobes remain impaired.
Now we jungle apes have an inborn aversion to snakes, but it has to be admitted that the rattlesnake is a far more honourable foe than most of the crawly characters that infest my neighbourhood. For one thing, it advertises its presence with a sinister noise, giving you the chance to decline combat and make a hasty retreat. And the above-mentioned incident proves that it shows no mercy to lecherous men who attempt to seduce it with kisses. If Donald Trump had tried to grab a rattlesnake by the pussy, his tiny bitten hand would have quickly swollen to a medium-sized one.
Sadly, not all snakes are as brave and defiant as the resourceful rattler. Google images contains a surprising number of pictures of snakes being embraced by naked women. I think the images are supposed to be erotic, but the hapless serpents don’t look as if they’re enjoying themselves. What is the point of forcing them to pose in those unnatural positions? I don’t see anything sexy about a snake being fondled by a woman.
Snakes are not the only animals that have fallen prey to the deviant carnal appetites of humanity. Does anyone remember the man from Sudan who was forced to marry a goat he had taken advantage of? It was a shotgun wedding that punished the poor animal more severely that its abuser. The bearded bride died two years later from undisclosed causes. Maybe it committed suicide to end the agony of its marriage.
We gorillas, of course, are not immune from the attentions of infatuated humans. The King Kong syndrome is alive and well in giddy young ladies of a certain disposition. Back in my circus days, I received a number of requests from women who wanted me to shower them under a waterfall. I generally told them I was too busy and gave them a brochure about holidays in Niagara Falls. On one occasion I agreed to cool off a sweaty-looking girl with a garden hose. A few women attempted to grope me, but I never pressed charges – one has to make allowances for overexcited fans.
The hope for the future is that animal sex robots will satisfy humans with the urge for cross-species love. It shouldn’t be difficult to construct something that looks and sounds like a sheep or a goat. A replica gorilla would be a much greater challenge, though. I’d like to see the robot that can grab a pair of maracas with its toes.
Labels: bestiality, Rattlesnake, sex robot, snakes
Wednesday, May 03, 2017
House of Dolls
Would you believe there is a brothel in Barcelona staffed by sex robots? I had to pinch myself when I saw this article to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. (I have yet to awake from a dream after pinching myself – maybe it’s time to replace that old saw with biting your toe or something.) The Spanish company behind this venture is called Lumidolls, and they are planning to open a similar establishment in the UK, where brothels containing flesh-and-blood women are illegal. They hope to attract customers by advertising the following features:
• a wide selection of “totally realistic” girl robots, with “angelic faces” and “penetrative gazes”;
• the opportunity to enact fantasies you “would not dare to do with a woman”;
• the use of “special antibacterial soaps” to disinfect the robots after they have entertained their clients.
The key question for potential customers is in what sense these simulacra are “robots” rather than just “dolls”. To the naked eye, they look like dolls – I can’t detect any moving parts and the expressions on their faces are decidedly fixed. Maybe they emit squeaks when you squeeze them, like children’s toys, but I doubt that will satisfy punters looking for an interactive experience.
Naturally, I forwarded the article to the manager of the safari camp, hoping to be enlightened by his take on the robots/dolls, but he was more concerned about what they were charging for using them:
“82 pounds an hour!” he exclaimed. “That’s almost as much as a real woman costs!”
“But you are ignoring the advantages they have over real woman,” I replied mischievously. “They won’t laugh at men who whinny like horses and go cross-eyed when they climax.”
“Have you been talking to my wife?” he asked suspiciously. “I could tell you a few things about her.”
Even if the brothels were to lower their fees, they would not be popular with everyone. Feminists argue that men who use sex robots will get into the habit of treating women like objects. This may well be true in some cases. Other men, however, may suffer from the opposite delusion. I remember reading an article about a sad old codger who had fallen in love with his sex doll. The poor fellow was convinced she was a tender creature who loved him dearly. He might well have left her everything he had in his will – I suppose the money could have been used to repaint her skin or replace parts that had lost their elasticity. Or maybe he gave instructions for her to be buried with him. Sex doll or not, you have to be sorry for a girl who suffers that fate.
What can one say about these psychosexual dilemmas? I don’t pretend to have the answers. There are no sex dolls in the jungle, and if there were they would be torn to shreds by the baboons. All one can do is observe the foibles of humanity and record them faithfully for posterity. There is no hero but the truth, as Tolstoy said.
Labels: Barcelona, brothels, sex dolls, sex robot
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
Love droids
A Californian company called RealDoll has announced it will be selling an artificially intelligent sex doll next year. If they’d put it on the market a month ago, I would have bought for the manager of the safari camp as a Christmas gift. His wife isn’t the jealous type and might have appreciated sharing her conjugal duties with a robot. If nothing else, it would have given her time to catch up on her bedtime reading.
RealDoll haven’t said what their AI-enhanced sex doll will be capable of doing. It’s not difficult to imagine what functions the typical customer would want, but I suspect these early models will be fairly limited. Maybe the dolls will just moan and wiggle their tongues. Mind you, that’s probably more than many human partners provide. Hef’s playmates have surely mastered the art of playing possum, with the aid of a sedative if necessary.
A bunch of academics recently held a conference in London to discuss the way ahead for human-robot couplings. One of the speakers was Dr David Levy, the author of a seminal work called Love and Sex with Robots, published in 2007. Maybe I should have read it before writing this post. On the other hand, it might have given me the yips. A highbrow British periodical described the book as follows:
David Levy's thesis, in this utterly fascinating, scholarly and rather uncomfortable book, is essentially that we'll fuck anything (which we knew), and that we love pretty much anything that looks as though it might love us; or, at least, is blank and malleable enough for us to project that idea upon.
Yet almost 10 years after publication, Dr Levy’s idyllic vision of tireless and technically proficient sex machines is a long way from fruition. At the end of the conference, a member of the audience summed up the current state of play:
“We can't agree what a robot is, we can't agree what sex is. We are almost sure that no sex robots currently exist. What we are developing is very crude and almost no-one wants it.”
This is the problem with most advances in technology – the big breakthroughs happen in unexpected places rather than where everyone wants them to. There’ll be intelligent kitchen appliances long before sex robots are a common bedroom accessory. Refrigerators will make sarcastic remarks when men fill them up with six packs. Washing machines will scold women who sit on them during the spin cycle. Once machines have intelligence, there’ll be no end of cheek from them.
I personally doubt that androids will ever possess the sexual characteristics of a biological entity. Living flesh has a certain texture that cannot be replicated by inorganic substances. The human butt cheeks, when spanked, emit a noise that is instantly recognisable and probably unique in the solar system. Instead of trying to make artificial humans, the sex toy industry should think about creating a device like the Orgasmatron. It was all action and no talk, which is want people want from machines.
Labels: artificial intelligence, orgasmatron, sex dolls, sex robot, spanking, technology
Wednesday, February 03, 2016
Hiding the salami
The manager of the safari camp is laughing his head off at the news that the Italians covered up their nude statues for the visit of the Iranian president:
“His beardiness better not visit the Congo Basin Nature Reserve to see you apes shagging in the open air!” he guffawed.
“Especially not if you were his guide, pointing and hooting at every instance of primate copulation,” I remarked. “He would be well advised to crawl on the ground with his eyes on the mud.”
It would be all too easy to condemn the Italians for denigrating their own culture to pander to the prudery of a gangster in a turban. I give them credit for taking every precaution to avoid an embarrassing incident. No one can deny that men have been sexually aroused by stranger things than nude statues. Imagine what would have happened if an Iranian bigwig got a boner while being escorted round the Borghese Gallery by La Contessa di Contini. An Italian lady is not lacking in aplomb, but the goatish advances of a bearded despot might provoke her to snap her purse shut on his bulging pantaloons. The statues could take care of themselves, of course. Not even a sex-mad mullah would get any joy from something that cold and rigid.
Now the Iranian president is in Europe to negotiate trade deals with the wily occidentals. If I were the Italian trade minister, I would secretly offer him a consignment of the latest sex robots. The first batch could be sent to the Supreme Beardy to try out – once he had passed them halal, further deliveries could be made to the revolutionary guards and other die-hard supporters of the regime. It goes without saying that your average Ali Bulbul would not be allowed to own one – a key purpose of a theocracy is to ensure that the masses don’t partake in the deviant practices of the leadership.
There are a number of contradictory opinions on whether sex robots will be good for humanity. A group of academics have come out strongly against them, believing they will encourage their users to treat real people like robots:
“We think that the creation of such robots will contribute to detrimental relationships between men and women, adults and children, men and men and women and women,” said Kathleen Richardson of De Montfort University.
However the singer Ana Matronic thinks they will be a godsend for people who can’t have sex because no one wants to sleep with them:
“The development of robots could be very suitable for people who need the right person and might not be capable to form what we would consider a normal relationship,” she explained.
As a gorilla, I find it impossible to decide between these arguments. However, Ana Matronic is surely right that the robots should be offered to the needy and frustrated. Maybe they could be made available on prescription to people whose doctors won’t have sex with them.
Labels: Ana Matronic, beards, Iranian regime, nude statues, sex robot
