Wednesday, February 03, 2016

Hiding the salami

The manager of the safari camp is laughing his head off at the news that the Italians covered up their nude statues for the visit of the Iranian president:

“His beardiness better not visit the Congo Basin Nature Reserve to see you apes shagging in the open air!” he guffawed.

“Especially not if you were his guide, pointing and hooting at every instance of primate copulation,” I remarked. “He would be well advised to crawl on the ground with his eyes on the mud.”

It would be all too easy to condemn the Italians for denigrating their own culture to pander to the prudery of a gangster in a turban. I give them credit for taking every precaution to avoid an embarrassing incident. No one can deny that men have been sexually aroused by stranger things than nude statues. Imagine what would have happened if an Iranian bigwig got a boner while being escorted round the Borghese Gallery by La Contessa di Contini. An Italian lady is not lacking in aplomb, but the goatish advances of a bearded despot might provoke her to snap her purse shut on his bulging pantaloons. The statues could take care of themselves, of course. Not even a sex-mad mullah would get any joy from something that cold and rigid.

Now the Iranian president is in Europe to negotiate trade deals with the wily occidentals. If I were the Italian trade minister, I would secretly offer him a consignment of the latest sex robots. The first batch could be sent to the Supreme Beardy to try out – once he had passed them halal, further deliveries could be made to the revolutionary guards and other die-hard supporters of the regime. It goes without saying that your average Ali Bulbul would not be allowed to own one – a key purpose of a theocracy is to ensure that the masses don’t partake in the deviant practices of the leadership.

There are a number of contradictory opinions on whether sex robots will be good for humanity. A group of academics have come out strongly against them, believing they will encourage their users to treat real people like robots:

“We think that the creation of such robots will contribute to detrimental relationships between men and women, adults and children, men and men and women and women,” said Kathleen Richardson of De Montfort University.

However the singer Ana Matronic thinks they will be a godsend for people who can’t have sex because no one wants to sleep with them:

“The development of robots could be very suitable for people who need the right person and might not be capable to form what we would consider a normal relationship,” she explained.

As a gorilla, I find it impossible to decide between these arguments. However, Ana Matronic is surely right that the robots should be offered to the needy and frustrated. Maybe they could be made available on prescription to people whose doctors won’t have sex with them. 

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I read an article about how Iranians on social media are also making fun of the move by the Italians.

It seems like, perhaps, somebody in Italy should have contacted someone in the Iran and discussed it. Someone has to have that job, right?
oh murgatroid! they're STATUES, not live people!
"users to treat real people like robots" Too late...I'm already treated like a sex robot. And you wouldn't believe the things I have seen guys get a boner over.
They should allow skinny dipping in Iran. Or chunky dunking. A little stiffy should not be a reason for overreaction.
Wait...what?...where can I see nude statues, please?

There was an opinion piece in the New York Times about how the Italians shamed themselves. I understand they just want to be good hosts but, yeah, shame on you guys.

You did a masterful job of tying those two stories together. What a weaver of tales!
I read an article claiming that humans are going to be evolving into these half human/ half computer droid kinda things. Who knows if the human race will even last that long.
Nasreen: I suspect the Iranians who were making fun of the Italians are not particularly fond of their government. They seemed rather young and westernised.

Anne Marie: Are you saying you could never get turned on by a statue, Anne Marie? ;)

Mistress Maddie: I'm sure you're much better in the sack than a robot, Mistress! And I would believe anything you told me. :)

Ms Pop Tart: No chance of that, Ms Pop Tart. Boys and girls have to be very discreet in their dalliances over there.

Exile: Did you hear about the French refusing to hold a lunch for the Iranians in which no wine was served? You've got to admire them for that!

Jimmy: You mean humans will become like the Borg, Jimmy? Why would that be a good thing? What's the point of being a Borg with no hobbies or recreation?
Why not treat the robot like a human? Since it probably wouldn't need dinner and a drink, maybe a free lube would be good.
A sex robot? How could anyone take issue with that? I'd order one. In fact, I'd order two. They don't talk and say stupid stuff, and I could have sex - with one or two at a time? I like the concept. Thanks, GB.
I've never seen a nude statue worth getting excited over so I don't know what all the fuss is about. I can't see the difference between a Kardashian and a sex robot. Stepford may be the future but it can never be down and dirty and as sensual as the real deal.
Well at least they were trying to make things less embarrassing for him.
i hope mass production can bring down the price of those wonderful sex robots.
Wasn't Bjorn Borg that tennis star that used to play against John McEnroe and Jimmy Connors? Tennis is a fine hobby (I think).
Jono: That's a good idea. You could flirt with the robot and try to make it blush or pout. It shouldn't be impossible if it's in the programming.

Robyn: Try one out on hire first, Robyn. Hard edges in the wrong places could give you a nasty bruise. :(

Jules: I'm sure you're right, Jules, but the robots may have some advantages. Haven't you ever dreamt of a man who never got tired and did whatever you told him? ;)

Mary: Yes, the Italians are certainly gracious hosts.

Eliot: Who knows? They might one day be as cheap as a pocket calculator.

Jimmy: Do you remember Bjorn Borg, Jimmy? I don't think tennis was a hobby for him. He never smiled on court and dropped to his knees after winning Wimbledon. He may have shouted 'Yaas' after winning, but I can't be 100% sure of that.
While the man may think himself supreme, his beard is anything but.
As far as covering up the statues? Mr. Half Assed Beard needs to learn to respect those he travels to meet and not expect them to change their culture at home to conform to his.
Sex robots? I'll take four as orgies are always preferred and I prefer odd number totals once I'm included in the middle. All hairy bearded males please.
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