Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Paris gets flashed
Many years ago, I wrote a post defending Paris Hilton against people who claimed she was a spoiled, vacuous bimbo. Some time later, I discovered that the allegation was actually well founded, which made me feel like a lawyer who had defended a guilty client. Thereafter, I naturally shied away from discussing Miss Hilton, but I did not delete the original post, which is still buried somewhere in the archives. Gorilla Bananas is not like one of those cowardly media pundits who erases embarrassing tweets to avoid the scorn of the mob.
So why am I mentioning her now after such a long hiatus? Well, it’s because of a recent news item about her. Apparently she is now a DJ, which seems like a fitting occupation that will give her something useful to do without taxing her brain excessively. Yet her new line of work is not without its perplexing incidents. It seems that many girls on the dance floor are showing Paris their breasts for reasons that are currently unfathomable:
“I'm a girl so it's weird when girls are flashing their boobs at me,” she explained. “But I love that people are into it and they feel so free that they can express themselves however they want.”
Now why would so many girls be baring their breasts at Paris Hilton? The most straightforward reason would be to indicate they were sexually available, but how could Paris respond to their invitation while she was busy playing records? I can’t believe that girls who go to discos don’t have better methods of seduction.
Another possible motive, much less flattering to Paris, is that the girls want to show their breasts are fuller, rounder and perkier than her own ones. If you’re envious of a woman’s fame and fortune, why not even up the score by making her jealous of your jahoobies? If that was their intention, there’s little evidence they succeeded. A dopey creature like Paris would be blissfully unaware of such devious attempts to demean her.
A third possibility, which I’m leaning towards with increasing favour, is that the girls were hoping to be recruited for a porn video. Although Paris is not a commercial producer of adult entertainment, I vaguely remember a story about her appearing in a porn video herself. Did that really happen? It was a long time ago, so I may have been dreaming. But no, I don’t think I was.
I now recall an article about that video written by Germaine Greer, who noted with approval that Paris had a bored expression on her face when some fellow was eating her cha-cha. This, Ms Greer assured us, was a powerful statement of feminist indifference. It proved that a man couldn’t orally pleasure a woman into a mass of moaning, quivering flesh.
I’m not entirely persuaded by Ms Greer’s argument, but I’m not going to search for the video after all these years just to refute her. I’ve got better things to do than study the expression on Paris Hilton’s face.
Labels: jahoobies, Paris Hilton, porn video, tit-flashing
Wednesday, July 09, 2014
Natural augmentation
The singer Ellie Goulding has taken the unusual step of denying that her breasts have been surgically enhanced:
“My boobs look bigger because my waist is smaller,” she explained. “People underestimate how you can shape your body. Since I stopped eating meat and fish, my body’s better than ever.”
I condemn the gossips and guttersnipes who goaded her into making such a statement. When a woman’s breasts grow bigger, the event should be celebrated like a bumper harvest of fruit. Mother Nature, in her glorious munificence, is showing us that her gifts are ripe and ready for plucking.
Miss Goulding added that she has always been terrified of cosmetic surgery:
“I’m petrified of anything like that. My friends will think it’s hilarious.”
Her fears are not unfounded. I’ve always found it strange that so many women will allow their bodies to be tampered with while they are unconscious. Reputation is no guarantee of success – a Harley street surgeon has recently been accused of a botched boob job. According to a report on the hearing:
A medical panel heard that breast implant specialist Mohammad Aslam tucked a pair of 4.5kg 1,600cc implants into Andrea Scott in 2010. But Scott, 36, who already had a set of 800cc implants, was left with breasts that were "too big and heavy," according to one breast expert.
Any fool can see what happened here. Dr Aslam must have lost his notes on the patient and crammed in as much silicone as he could to be on the safe side. Like many men, he finds it inconceivable that a woman could complain about her breasts being too big. Such misdeeds are inevitable in a profession that is a natural home for the tit fiend. It’s no accident that virtually all breast enlargement surgeons are men.
Hopefully women contemplating implants will hear about this story and, like Miss Goulding, consider natural alternatives. My old friend Smacker Ramrod believes that frequent sex will enlarge a woman’s bosom:
“I got seduced by a busty nurse when I was 18,” he once told me. “I could feel them expand when she pushed them against my face.”
“A method of measurement well known to Science,” I remarked. “But didn’t they later contract to their normal size?”
“No, she told me she needed bras with a bigger cup-size,” he replied. “I would have helped her pay for them if I hadn’t been a penniless student.”
“Well, it’s never too late to post someone a cheque,” I said. “Although perhaps she felt the benefits-in-kind were sufficient.”
I am sorry to say that Paris Hilton has recently been drawing attention to her jahoobies. There was a time when I spoke in this young lady’s defence, but the weight of evidence eventually forced me to concur with her detractors and lampooners. Will wearing revealing dresses pump the air back into her waning celebrity cult? Possibly not, but talking to the titties of a vacuous bimbo is more appealing than listening to her mouth.
Labels: Bra sizes, Breasts, cosmetic surgery, Ellie Goulding, jahoobies, Paris Hilton, tit fiend
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
False impressions
Paris Hilton says she was only pretending to be an airhead in the TV show she used to star in. She must be a very good actress. To be fair, I only ever saw one episode of The Simple Life. Maybe I would have spotted the brainy woman behind the dumb blonde façade if I’d been a regular viewer. The problem she has now, of course, is ridding herself of the stupid bimbo image she created as a cloak for her towering intellect. At the age of 32, it’s probably too late for her to compete in a spelling bee.
Perhaps people would believe she was a smartypants if she taught her toy-boy lover to do something clever. River Viiperi is a 21-year-old model who looks harder to train than the chimpanzee I hired to fan me during the hot season. If Paris could teach him to recite the alphabet backwards, we’d know she had the mental agility to educate someone stupider than herself. Dog-trainers have won acclaim for similar feats.
However much tuition Paris gives her new boyfriend, he will never be as clever as the Pacu fish. This cunning marine carnivore has developed a taste for men’s testicles, which are easy meat in open seas. The creature was recently seen off the southern coast of Sweden, where nude swimming is a popular pastime.
"They bite because they're hungry, and testicles sit nicely in their mouth,” explained Henrik Carl, a fish expert at the Danish museum.
In the interests of health and safety, the Swedes should restrict their coastal waters to women, girls and eunuchs. Anyone else who wants to swim in the ocean should go to the Black sea, where hungry marine predators only have eyes for fat Russian ladies.
Another animal that’s been terrorising humans is the giant African land snail, which has invaded Florida, covering the pavements and walls with slime and excrement.
“They're huge, they move around, they look like they're looking at you,” said Denise Feiber of the Florida Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services.
All of this is true, but that’s no reason to fear them. Having encountered these snails on many occasions, let me assure the jittery residents of Florida that they can’t outrun a human. Just pick them up by the shell and give them to the nearest Frenchman with a barbecue. Problem solved.
Sometimes, of course, humans deserve to be intimidated by a member of the animal kingdom. I’m thinking particularly of an obnoxious pack of infants at Dallas Zoo, who shouted insults at a gorilla from behind a glass partition. The gorilla pretended to ignore their taunts before suddenly lunging at the glass to scare the living daylights out of them.
Now it’s not the job of a gorilla to discipline human children, however brattish they are. But if their parents won’t stop them from behaving like yahoos, one has to expect consequences. If a child annoyed in my circus days, I would grab its hand and force it to pick the nose of a clown who enjoyed that sort of thing.
Labels: brats, giant snails, Pacu fish, Paris Hilton
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Pet care
Did Justin Bieber abandon his monkey? Everyone seems to think so, but the facts look inconclusive to me. The monkey was taken away from him when he arrived in Germany because its papers weren’t in order. You could argue that Bieber should have put his foot down and threatened to leave the country, but the German authorities are responsible for instigating the estrangement. You can’t blame Bieber for not accompanying his monkey to its quarantine cell and living off nuts and berries. A growing boy needs milk and cookies to keep his chest fluff growing.
It was foolish of the Germans to act so high and mighty. They’re unpopular enough in Europe for squeezing the assets of the Greeks and Cypriots. At the very least, they should have found a good foster home for the monkey instead putting it in a cage. I would have given the creature to Lilo Wanders, the celebrity transsexual, whose lavish home is equipped with the latest restraining devices for monkeys and other stray beasts. I doubt such measures would have been necessary, though. The most agitated monkey would be soothed by resting its head on Miss Wanders' hormonally enhanced bosom.
One has to wonder whether things will ever be the same between Bieber and his simian pet. The monkey has no knowledge of German quarantine laws and probably thinks it was sent to boarding school. It may well be happy to return to Bieber, but it’s bound to feel resentment when it reflects on its ordeal. How will it avoid comparing Bieber with Michael Jackson, who treated Bubbles the chimp as an inseparable companion and bedmate until death did them part? Such reflections might incite it to take revenge by secretly scouring its anus with Bieber’s toothbrush. Monkeys have a gift for sly and sneaky sabotage.
In truth, it’s rarely a good idea for a human to have a pet monkey. The species are too similar to avoid unrealistic expectations. Even a confirmed pet lover like Paris Hilton couldn’t make it work. As she explained to her fans:
“My monkey was really cute but used to screech and go crazy whenever he saw me naked. I think he wanted to touch my boobs or something but was too confused to ask. I had to lock him in the closet whenever I wanted to watch TV in the nude. So I put him up for adoption and found him a new home in a zoo.”
The ironic thing is that Justin himself would make a much-loved pet – he seems to inspire the same feelings as a rabbit or a faun. Teenage girls can be very sentimental about shy delicate creatures that like to be stroked. Perhaps Paris Hilton should adopt him as her human pet and teach him how to handle all the negative publicity he’s been getting. One assumes Bieber is man enough to see her naked without freaking out like a monkey. He can always close his eyes if he gets too flustered.
Labels: Justin Bieber, Lilo Wanders, Michael Jackson, monkeys, Paris Hilton, pets
Monday, February 22, 2010
Paris in Rio
I hear that Paris Hilton is suffering from a bad case of bottom-envy after visiting the Rio Carnival. No surprise there. The sight of all those of pert posteriors wiggling in the sunshine must have left her feeling thoroughly dejected. Her own butt is nothing special, of course, although she probably never realised it before. A floozy of her calibre tends to believe all the flattery she gets from the dandies and gigolos she consorts with. Frustrated at being upstaged, she agreed to appear in a beer commercial in which she grovelled on all fours like a cow in heat. How the Brazilians must have laughed!
I’ve never understood the popularity of these carnival processions. People dress up in funny costumes and prance down a street expecting onlookers to gasp in admiration. I don’t begrudge them their fun, but it’s hardly great theatre. If you tried to fob off a circus audience with that sort of thing they would throw bottles at the ringmaster. I suspect people who attend such events are driven by the herd instinct. When they see a crowd assembling, they assume it must be a good place to go. The great wildebeest migrations in Africa operate on the same principle.
I appreciate a taut pair of buns as much as the next ape, but that doesn’t mean I would stand in a crowd and bake in the hot sun for a fleeting glimpse. If I wanted to ogle booty in Rio, I would go to the beach and watch the women play volleyball while I relaxed beneath a sunshade. The great thing about ladies’ sports is that you can hoot and whistle to your heart’s content without appearing uncouth. When Martina Hingis won points with her overhead smash, no one knew whether I was applauding her skilful play or her jiggling jahoobies. I wasn’t sure myself, to be honest.
An English tennis instructor on safari once said that lesbians should be banned from the sport.
“Do you think they have an unfair advantage?" I asked, mindful of Navratilova’s bulging forearms.
“It’s not that,” he said. “The problem is corruption. What’s to stop them from throwing matches in return for sexual favours?”
I considered his argument with pursed lips and found it wanting.
“Are you suggesting that non-Sapphic women would offer their bodies to a fanny-fister merely to progress to the next round?” I asked. “Surely women are not so ready to act contrarily to their nature.”
“Women have a different attitude to men about same-sex activities,” he asserted. “They don’t find it disgusting however straight they are. To them, it’s no worse than putting your trousers on back-to-front.”
I tried to picture Mrs Clinton with her trousers on back-to-front, but the image failed to gel in my mind.
“As I do not wear trousers, I find it difficult to comment on your analogy,” I said. “I nevertheless maintain that banning lesbians from tennis would be a retrograde step.”
“Please yourself,” he replied laconically. “I never knew gorillas were so PC.”
I think of this conversation whenever humans associate gorillas with reactionary tendencies. In truth, we are a progressive force in the jungle.
Labels: lesbian tennis-players, Paris Hilton, Rio Carnival, wiggling posteriors
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Madonna and child
A man on safari tells me that Madonna is going to visit the parents of her 22-year-old companion, Jesus Luz.
“Perhaps she wants to adopt him,” I suggest.
The man seems doubtful, but agrees it would be a fitting way of formalising their relationship. The boy’s natural parents surely love him dearly, but they can’t give him the start in life that Madonna can. In her delicate embrace, young Jesus would be nurtured with the most fragrant oils and lotions, rubbed tenderly on his chest, thighs and buttocks. Living in a well-heated mansion, there would be no need for him to wear clothes as he swung on the indoor climbing frame, his adoptive mother watching his movements with burgeoning pride and excitement. Let us hope that the paperwork can be finalised quickly without legal challenge.
The religious significance of the adoption would be enormous. The sight of Madonna mothering her own baby Jesus would surely strengthen the faith of Roman Catholics everywhere. It might even attract new converts. Anglicans fed up with the namby-pamby nonsense from the Church of England and its bearded archdruid might be tempted to migrate to Rome on seeing this miraculous re-enactment. I hope Pope Benny makes the most of the opportunity by granting an audience to Madge and Jezz and having his picture taken with them. Giving them his blessing might technically be blasphemous, so perhaps he ought to let them bless him.
I shouldn’t really be nagging the Pope because he has a lot on his plate at the moment. A great row has erupted among the faithful in Spain after a group of mothers who call themselves “Daughters of the Generalissimo” sent an open letter to the Vatican. They have inquired whether a devout Catholic wife should ever permit herself to attain a physical climax during marital relations, adducing their own opinion that any child conceived in such debauchery would be the Spawn of Satan. The Pope has deferred judgement pending consultation with Cardinals experienced in such matters. Spanish feminists, meanwhile, have expressed their fury by burning their knickers in the Plaza de España in Madrid.
If I had the Pope’s ear, I would advise him that it was perfectly lawful for a woman to experience elation during the physical act of love. There are many precedents in Holy Scripture – Bathsheba was never punished by the Lord for enjoying a jiggy with Mr Biggy and Delilah was obviously an insatiable minx who liked it mean and dirty. The only stipulation for the pious wife is that she should remain silent while in the throes of ecstasy. The purpose of marital congress is procreation, and no righteous husband should have to listen to his wife making a hullabaloo when he’s trying to impregnate her. It’s the sort of thing that might put a man off his stroke and make him forget what he was doing. A few soft little moans and sighs should be all that is permissible.
Speaking of procreation, I was disappointed to hear that Paris Hilton has failed to make good on her promise to produce a brood of little Parisites. Her latest beefcake suitor was callously dumped after she discovered he was “boring”. She should stop being so picky if you ask me. Does she want to be impregnated or entertained? Men who can do both generally prefer not to breed with vacuous floozies.
Labels: Jesus Luz, Madonna, Paris Hilton, Pope Benedict
