Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Madonna and child

A man on safari tells me that Madonna is going to visit the parents of her 22-year-old companion, Jesus Luz.

“Perhaps she wants to adopt him,” I suggest.

The man seems doubtful, but agrees it would be a fitting way of formalising their relationship. The boy’s natural parents surely love him dearly, but they can’t give him the start in life that Madonna can. In her delicate embrace, young Jesus would be nurtured with the most fragrant oils and lotions, rubbed tenderly on his chest, thighs and buttocks. Living in a well-heated mansion, there would be no need for him to wear clothes as he swung on the indoor climbing frame, his adoptive mother watching his movements with burgeoning pride and excitement. Let us hope that the paperwork can be finalised quickly without legal challenge.

The religious significance of the adoption would be enormous. The sight of Madonna mothering her own baby Jesus would surely strengthen the faith of Roman Catholics everywhere. It might even attract new converts. Anglicans fed up with the namby-pamby nonsense from the Church of England and its bearded archdruid might be tempted to migrate to Rome on seeing this miraculous re-enactment. I hope Pope Benny makes the most of the opportunity by granting an audience to Madge and Jezz and having his picture taken with them. Giving them his blessing might technically be blasphemous, so perhaps he ought to let them bless him.

I shouldn’t really be nagging the Pope because he has a lot on his plate at the moment. A great row has erupted among the faithful in Spain after a group of mothers who call themselves “Daughters of the Generalissimo” sent an open letter to the Vatican. They have inquired whether a devout Catholic wife should ever permit herself to attain a physical climax during marital relations, adducing their own opinion that any child conceived in such debauchery would be the Spawn of Satan. The Pope has deferred judgement pending consultation with Cardinals experienced in such matters. Spanish feminists, meanwhile, have expressed their fury by burning their knickers in the Plaza de España in Madrid.

If I had the Pope’s ear, I would advise him that it was perfectly lawful for a woman to experience elation during the physical act of love. There are many precedents in Holy Scripture – Bathsheba was never punished by the Lord for enjoying a jiggy with Mr Biggy and Delilah was obviously an insatiable minx who liked it mean and dirty. The only stipulation for the pious wife is that she should remain silent while in the throes of ecstasy. The purpose of marital congress is procreation, and no righteous husband should have to listen to his wife making a hullabaloo when he’s trying to impregnate her. It’s the sort of thing that might put a man off his stroke and make him forget what he was doing. A few soft little moans and sighs should be all that is permissible.

Speaking of procreation, I was disappointed to hear that Paris Hilton has failed to make good on
her promise to produce a brood of little Parisites. Her latest beefcake suitor was callously dumped after she discovered he was “boring”. She should stop being so picky if you ask me. Does she want to be impregnated or entertained? Men who can do both generally prefer not to breed with vacuous floozies.

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Vacuous floozie?

I originally suspected that Paris Hilton might be an evil Succubus - a she-demon put on Earth to seduce men and glean power from them - but then I'm sure I read somewhere that Succubi are supposed to be extremely visually attractive women so now I have my doubts. Nowhere I have I come across the idea of a Succubus who looks like a demented, bling-covered Emu.

...or indeed a sinewy, leathery troll, which seems to exonerate Madonna also.
Believe me Mr Bananas, some Spanish women can be very very weird creatures.

Did the feminists really protest at the Plaza España burning their knickers because the daughters of wtf-Generalissimo have sent an open letter to Pope Ratzinger about the dangers of satanicly conceiving this way?

((*falls off her chair laughing*))

In all honesty, I would never burn my expensive lingerie for such reason, but I second them in my mind.

I must confess I've always wanted to be adopted by some rich satanic dude, regardless of the age difference, in the most typical Madonna/Jesus fashion.

Do you think I'll burn in hell, just for these thoughts and countless debaucheries?
the screams are one my man's favorite parts in sex.. let's him know he's doing it right.
if i had the pope's ear, i'd ask him what it was like to be a nazi.

catholicism often tires me. so do nazis, actually.
I sometimes think that I get migraines because I have been holding in the screams of passion for so long now (since having wee-ones). So unless the Vatican wants an epidemic on their hands I suggest letting women enjoy their o's however they see fit.

Madonna and Jesus... Oh Lord. What do you think she cries out during sex?

Little Parasites... Mr. Bananas... what will you come up with next?
I fear that there are many woman who are, unwittingly, members of the daughters of the Generalissimo. One also wonders at the Cardinals experienced in such matters. Quite where do they acquire their first hand knowledge?
As you have so correctly identified, Mr Bananas, in the world of humans it's 'Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.' I use the French in Ms Hilton's honour - though, paradoxically, it appears the lady hath none.
I say, good on ya Madonna. Mrs. Robinson strikes again.
Topiary Cow: Even gorillas can be bitchy, Ms Cow!

Vegetable Assassin: You are right, Mr Assassin, she is nothing like a succubus. I know because I have met one.

Leni: If you ever burn in hell, Leni, I shall rush there with a bucket of water. I think there are many who would adopt you.

Sarah: That's one way of showing him, Sarah. Do you ever leave scratch marks on his back? Perhaps that's not your favourite position.

Kara: I didn't realise you got tired so easily, Missy. Maybe you need more iron in your diet. If I were the Pope I'd take your confession.

Auri: I'm sorry you're having to hold them in, Auri, but I'm very glad you're having them. I once heard a woman say that holding them in makes them more intense. Have you ever thought of acupuncture for the migraines?

Madame Defarge: I believe some Cardinals gain a broad experience of life in the course of their pastoral duties, Madame Defarge. And they listen to confessions.

Blockguard: Or "a leopard cannot change its spots" as we say in Africa. Still, one must do what one can to encourage self-improvement.

Ms Noip: Mrs Robinson did it on a sex-for-sex basis. Do you think that's the deal with Madge?
I wonder what young Jesus said to his patents after he met the singer: "Hey mum, dad, I've just seen Madonna!" "Wow, son, that's amazing, we must phone the Vatican!!" "No, not that Madonna, the Madonna".
I always scream "Jesus" when I'm coming. I thought all women did. Should I be embarrassed now.....
So it IS true...Jesus really did have Gonorrhea!
Thank you so much for that link! A couple of people now have suggested accupuncture to me for them so I think I'll look into getting it covered by insurance (one can try). There is one test left to do on my heart that will determine if that's where the problem is. I'm falling apart B! At least I can still have a great orgasm right?
Paris Hilton's latest squeeze, according to those in the know, is Ronaldo the footballer. I imagine he is quite boring. Good on Madge I say - a bit of May/December doesn't do either party any harm. I wouldn't take their names too literally or it gets a bit oedipal.
Always wondered why someone with so much money and who obviously spends most of her time looking in the mirror didn't have her horrible long nose changed.

Paris and Madonna...Vanity has a gentle mirror indeed.

A 51 year old woman dating a 22 year old who doesn’t even speak her language. What a profound and meaningful relationship.
If she adopts me, I could be their interpreter.

And I prefer moaning in throes of ecstasy to jabbing hands and slow-motion seizures.
If Maddona were to adopt Jesus Luz, would her next child be her grandchild as well?

My uncle always says he wouldn't mind tapping old Madge, but to me she's ropey old minge.
Gadjo: It might get very confusing. The virgin and the woman who was like a virgin.

Nursemyra: No need to be embarrassed, Nursie. I'm sure Jesus is used to it,

Mr Meatbag: Which Jesus are you talking about? Madonna surely makes her little boy have regular check-ups.

Auri: I can't believe you have a serious health problem
if your orgasms are earth-shaking, Auri. Good luck with the acupuncture.

Lady Daphne: The Ronaldo rumour sounds far-fetched, milady. I can't imagine he'll ever be able to make Paris understand the offside law.

Topiary Cow: Paris has grown very attached to her nose, Ms Cow. I doubt her boyfriends spend too much time looking at her face, anyway.

Donut girl: You'd have to be able to speak Portuguese to be their interpreter. Madonna might be scared that you'd flirt with her boy in a foreign tongue.

Sidhu: They'd be confused.

Emerson: I suggest you ask Jesus before jumping to conclusions about Madge. Being Brazilian, he might have a liking for footballers.

Inkspot: So you hanker for Paris, do you? I have a feeling you might impress her.
But, but, but I'am Portuguese.
My umbilical cord was cut in Portugal. My mom is Portuguese too and I have a Brazilian father. So I should have called myself Dutch Portuguese/ Brazilian Donut girl. But that just doesn't sound good.

Flirt with Jesus? No way! I'm scared of Madonna's masculine arms.
it certainly is not my favorite position. i'll leave THAT up to your imagination.
that's the most unbelievable thing i've ever seen! not the stuff about madonna, but paris hilton reading a book!
How the hell did you photoshot that picture of Paris??
*photoshop, even.
Laughing out Loud Mr. Banana!

Paris reading "The Art of War"! Paradoxically offensive, don't you think! Then again people call her "Dummy" , but last year she made the cool figure of 200 million $$$ cash!!.

*Madonna and Child.....hmmm lately I'm having sympathies with the whole Christian(o) body, like Paris.
Paris....Parisites....hahahahaha! Love it!
Jesus should hold out for Brad and Angelina - they appear to be slightly less tyrannical when it comes to sweeties and television.
Perhaps while she's at it, Madonna could adopt Paris Hilton. A few weeks of eating macrobiotic seed husks drinking only Kabbalah water might sort her out.
Donut girl: How fascinating. I think Jesus needs a woman of your worldliness to be his manager.

Sarah: Yee-hah, Sarah! I knew you were a cowgirl!

Nonnie: She's looking at it all right, but who knows how much reading she's doing.

Lilu: The look of concentration on her face is certainly photo-shopped.

Miss Ansaloni: Yes, indeed, we should never forget that there are many who will pay for whatever it is she sells.

Scrappry girl: Hello, Miss Scrappy! I suppose it might be used to describe her fans as well.

Women in Black: If Madonna adopted Paris, would it be incestuous if they kissed on the lips? We need a lawyer here.
Good point, my love. Now... if I could no longer have earth-shattering orgasms then we'd have problems!
The adoption, the reversed blessing, oh mr. Bananas, you're always full of great ideas! What's your secret, aye?
Auri: You deserve every them, Auri. One for every baby you deliver sounds fair.

Borah: Mango juice and clean living, Deb. But you are full of ideas as well, no?
LMAO at Paris and the Art of War.

I say good on Madge for enticing a nice young man into her bed at her age but, to be truthful, I know how easy it can be if you have taken some care of your body and have a confident manner so it's not such a big deal as the Meeja seem to be making of it. She will also need to take care of her reputation, since being a Mrs Robinson to too many such beaux could call her respectability into question and prejudice any future adoption plans.

The problem with beautiful young man is that, as even Paris has found, after a while the cultural and mental differences become very obvious and a woman of a certain age is not so interested in cartoons as her toyboy so it can become a little dull. Perhaps this is the reason for her selection of a toyboy with no English. You dont have to listen to them talk... just admire the scenery. However, you do also have to fight them for time in front of the mirror!
Though a prolific and successful writer told me last week that she uses sleeping pills to write and red bull to edit, I personally find that you're right about the clean living when it comes to generating good ideas.

I'll definitely have to try mango juice now!
Joanna: Yes, it might work if he remains mute and lets Madge treat him like a pet. A bit like Chuck Heston and Nova in Planet of the Apes.

Borah: I'm glad to hear it, Deb. I believe you can buy very good mangoes in Southall, which is not far from your place of study.
I think you're being too hard on young Paris. She has progressed very rapidly over the past ten years. Why, by 2012 she may have the mental capacity of a fully realized adult.
Touche! Well said. Although Madonna is pretty hawt, and I certainly wouldn't mind boning her.

As for your statement, "I was disappointed to hear that Paris Hilton has failed to make good on her promise to produce a brood of little Parisites."

LMFAO! Nice.
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