Monday, February 22, 2010

Paris in Rio

I hear that Paris Hilton is suffering from a bad case of bottom-envy after visiting the Rio Carnival. No surprise there. The sight of all those of pert posteriors wiggling in the sunshine must have left her feeling thoroughly dejected. Her own butt is nothing special, of course, although she probably never realised it before. A floozy of her calibre tends to believe all the flattery she gets from the dandies and gigolos she consorts with. Frustrated at being upstaged, she agreed to appear in a beer commercial in which she grovelled on all fours like a cow in heat. How the Brazilians must have laughed!

I’ve never understood the popularity of these carnival processions. People dress up in funny costumes and prance down a street expecting onlookers to gasp in admiration. I don’t begrudge them their fun, but it’s hardly great theatre. If you tried to fob off a circus audience with that sort of thing they would throw bottles at the ringmaster. I suspect people who attend such events are driven by the herd instinct. When they see a crowd assembling, they assume it must be a good place to go. The great wildebeest migrations in Africa operate on the same principle.

I appreciate a taut pair of buns as much as the next ape, but that doesn’t mean I would stand in a crowd and bake in the hot sun for a fleeting glimpse. If I wanted to ogle booty in Rio, I would go to the beach and watch the women play volleyball while I relaxed beneath a sunshade. The great thing about ladies’ sports is that you can hoot and whistle to your heart’s content without appearing uncouth. When Martina Hingis won points with her overhead smash, no one knew whether I was applauding her skilful play or her jiggling jahoobies. I wasn’t sure myself, to be honest.

An English tennis instructor on safari once said that lesbians should be banned from the sport.

“Do you think they have an unfair advantage?" I asked, mindful of Navratilova’s bulging forearms.

“It’s not that,” he said. “The problem is corruption. What’s to stop them from throwing matches in return for sexual favours?”

I considered his argument with pursed lips and found it wanting.

“Are you suggesting that non-Sapphic women would offer their bodies to a fanny-fister merely to progress to the next round?” I asked. “Surely women are not so ready to act contrarily to their nature.”

“Women have a different attitude to men about same-sex activities,” he asserted. “They don’t find it disgusting however straight they are. To them, it’s no worse than putting your trousers on back-to-front.”

I tried to picture Mrs Clinton with her trousers on back-to-front, but the image failed to gel in my mind.

“As I do not wear trousers, I find it difficult to comment on your analogy,” I said. “I nevertheless maintain that banning lesbians from tennis would be a retrograde step.”

“Please yourself,” he replied laconically. “I never knew gorillas were so PC.”

I think of this conversation whenever humans associate gorillas with reactionary tendencies. In truth, we are a progressive force in the jungle.

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"When Martina Hingis won points with her overhead smash, no one knew whether I was applauding her skilful play or her jiggling jahoobies. I wasn’t sure myself, to be honest."

Hmm... that's why I saw a bunch of 10 year old boys quietly watching the sport on TV! ( I thought the quiet part was very supicious)
Love this post and Isabella's comments.

You must know that the human species is also unable to take in any image of Mrs. Clinton. We're not quite sure if she is a she. I'm guessing that's why trousers (front to back or back to front) is just a sketchy concept.

Chocolate covered bananas to you,
"No worse than putting your trousers on back-to-front": I think that's as good a description of Lesbianism as I've ever read; though, of course, if as man were to put his trousers on back-to-front it might attract more than just Lesbian attention.
Are gorillas really so PC?

Politically Correct?
Pretty Cool?
Personal Computers?

That English tennis instructor was really funny. Women putting their trousers on back-to-front... a typical male fantasy! Men putting their trousers from back to front... hey, that would be really fun (except if it's Marylin Manson, Danny deVito and the like...)
I'll have to agree with Gadjo. That's a pretty good description. Though I don't bat for that team, I wouldn't find it a hardship, nor revolting, to do so. Unless she's dog ugly with a botanical garden below the belt, that is.
I've always felt sure that if I were a woman, I'd be a lesbian. And I've always told my daughters it wouldn't be a problem - because I want them to accept themselves for what they truly are, of course, and not because I want them to start bringing home fruity girlfriends the moment they've come out.
MrB, Anyone with a pert derriere can assure you that it is not comfortable to put your trousers on back to front!

I cant comment on the tennis playing, Ive never been strong enough to serve the ball over the net from the back of the court.
Isabella: If 10-year-old boys can appreciate the athleticism of female tennis players they should train for the mixed doubles event.

Robyn: Perhaps Hilldog is now beyond gender, Robyn. A force of nature like a geyser or a whirlpool.

Gadjo: How can a man make himself attractive to a lesbian? It's an age-old puzzle that no one has yet cracked.

Leni: His views on trousers aren't trustworthy, Leni. I don't see why wearing them back-to-front would improve anyone's sexual allure.

Ms OWO: Lesbians who don't keep a tidy garden are asking to be celibate. I assume you'd prefer the femme to the butch?

Indie Pop: That's wise advice for a father to give. Masturbation and lesbianism are essential elements of the safe sex message.

Joanna: Hah, Joanna, your prevarication is noted! You don't have to tell us about your lesbian fantasies if you don't want to!
The Rio carnival is something everyone should do once in their life GB, much like Paris Hilton. I believe I'm up some time in August.
Paris Hilton is the one who should be banned.....from everything!

The woman is annoying as arse...hell even her walk is annoying!
i have a theory that Paris Hilton is only cleaning up her image so that she can, one day, run for president
You're one of them bipedal gorillas, aren't you? I can tell by the subtext of the post.
those women are not about to kiss...they're comparing tooth whiteners. i know these things.
A laconic Englishman? No does laconic like an Australian.....
When I go to the beach, I don't see jiggling jahoobies, I see jelly-like jowls.

I envy you, GB.
oyyy gorila you are putting favrite tennis lady on blogging. i love tennis. it is good slavic sport.

i was almost going to madrgras but then i not have enough money to go to rio. bastad. oh well is is good i am seeing many beauful ladys. man. bastad!
Rubbish: You should have gone this month. Doing Rio and Paris together would have saved time.

Sabrina: She shouldn't be banned from jail, Saby. If her last prison sentence had been longer it might have reformed her.

Kiki: President of a company selling crotchless knickers perhaps.

Cheyenne: I am not restricted to one kind of pedalism, Cheyenne. I have multiple methods of manoeuvre.

Kara: I think they'd swap teeth if they could.

Nursemyra: Crocodile Dundee was a master of it.

Rachel: I do admire your ability to appreciate the female form, Rach. I hope you get to see plenty of jahoobies.

Zhenya: Haha! You've returned from the dead, like a real slavic vampire! Do you like to bite ladies' necks?
I stay away from large crowds as much as possible. It's suffocating.

Does Paris drink beer? As usual, her face looks like she is having sex throughout the entire commercial… I’m surprised she doesn’t say “That’s Hot” in this ad.
So I can rest easy after my incessant hooting at the women's luge and curling?

Very astute commentary on the state of the nation's tennis-watching activities - but surely, it would be impossible to participate in any clothed sport if your trousers were back-to-front?

That's not to say that naked sport has its visual advantages. It might have been okay for the Greeks to watch naked Olympians hurling the discus, but these days it would be impossible to tell some of the women from the men, as recent events in South Africa have proved...
Reminds me of the Gore Vidal story that one would-be senator lost the race in a southern state because his wife was rumoured to have been a thespian. This confirms my prejudice that Dixie types may be illiterate but are no-way as decadent as film-makers would have us believe.
Most definitely.
Donut girl: She just looks half asleep to me - maybe that's how she likes it.

Mosha: You can rest easy or with your hand on your groin. Enthusiastic fans get to choose.

Mermaid: You're right, Mermaid. Back-to-front trousers are no good for any sport except synchronised shitting.

Mr Boyo: Gore Vidal loves to poke fun, but didn't he lose an election for wearing his trousers back-to-front?

Ms OWO: That's good to know, Aly. I'd hate to think of you being pawed by a dickless man.
I love lesbians. That's it. My way of saying "MOVE LESBIANS @ JAPING APE, PLZ"! Just no gay stuff please; I'm confused enough already after watching "Brokeback Mountain" in 3-D.
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