Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Pet care

Did Justin Bieber abandon his monkey? Everyone seems to think so, but the facts look inconclusive to me. The monkey was taken away from him when he arrived in Germany because its papers weren’t in order. You could argue that Bieber should have put his foot down and threatened to leave the country, but the German authorities are responsible for instigating the estrangement. You can’t blame Bieber for not accompanying his monkey to its quarantine cell and living off nuts and berries. A growing boy needs milk and cookies to keep his chest fluff growing.

It was foolish of the Germans to act so high and mighty. They’re unpopular enough in Europe for squeezing the assets of the Greeks and Cypriots. At the very least, they should have found a good foster home for the monkey instead putting it in a cage. I would have given the creature to Lilo Wanders, the celebrity transsexual, whose lavish home is equipped with the latest restraining devices for monkeys and other stray beasts. I doubt such measures would have been necessary, though. The most agitated monkey would be soothed by resting its head on Miss Wanders' hormonally enhanced bosom.

One has to wonder whether things will ever be the same between Bieber and his simian pet. The monkey has no knowledge of German quarantine laws and probably thinks it was sent to boarding school. It may well be happy to return to Bieber, but it’s bound to feel resentment when it reflects on its ordeal. How will it avoid comparing Bieber with Michael Jackson, who treated Bubbles the chimp as an inseparable companion and bedmate until death did them part? Such reflections might incite it to take revenge by secretly scouring its anus with Bieber’s toothbrush. Monkeys have a gift for sly and sneaky sabotage.

In truth, it’s rarely a good idea for a human to have a pet monkey. The species are too similar to avoid unrealistic expectations. Even a confirmed pet lover like Paris Hilton couldn’t make it work. As she explained to her fans:

“My monkey was really cute but used to screech and go crazy whenever he saw me naked. I think he wanted to touch my boobs or something but was too confused to ask. I had to lock him in the closet whenever I wanted to watch TV in the nude. So I put him up for adoption and found him a new home in a zoo.”

The ironic thing is that Justin himself would make a much-loved pet – he seems to inspire the same feelings as a rabbit or a faun. Teenage girls can be very sentimental about shy delicate creatures that like to be stroked. Perhaps Paris Hilton should adopt him as her human pet and teach him how to handle all the negative publicity he’s been getting. One assumes Bieber is man enough to see her naked without freaking out like a monkey. He can always close his eyes if he gets too flustered.

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Just looking at Paris naked would give The Biebs his first STD.
You're probly right, monkeys shouldn't be pets. Paris Hilton should be locked in the closet.
maybe it was a helper monkey like homer simpson had. canadians can use all the help they can get.
The monkey is the one with the microphone, correct?
Gotta love a species of pet that can PUT SOMETHING BACK once they've f*cked with it. Toothbrush? What toothbrush? Ohhh, YOUR toothbrush? No, don't know why it'd taste funny...
The Greeks are a bunch of goddamn tax-dodging freeloaders and the Cypriots are getting what you get when you agree to stash stolen money for criminal Russian politicians.

Oh...wait...that was a joke, right? So sorry. You pushed a button.

I have a friend who moved to London and they quarantined his two poor cats for quite a while. Harrowing experience for all parties.
The monkey is more man than Bieber.

I think Paris' monkey just wanted to tell her to put her clothes back on and to beware the demise of her career.
He looks remarkably like his amusing, pet monkey when side by side. Why can't these people have normal pets? Like goldfish or something.

My vote - put Justin and his precious little diva ass in the cage and let the monkey do the singing. Or screeching. Whichever, it will still sound better.

Don't even get me started on Paris Hilton.
Keeping it real: Hah, that must be why her monkey went berserk! Simians can sense when a woman is radiating airborne cooties.

Crazy Mama: What would you do if you were locked in a cupboard with Paris Hilton? That's a question I've never dared ask myself.

Billy: I never knew Bieber was a Canadian! You guys are everywhere, man!

Hippo: The monkey is the one holding its dick. That might be both of them.

Kana: Could monkey butt-gravy be better for the teeth than toothpaste?

Mr UB: But how will squeezing their balls makes things better? Did I say "balls"? I meant "assets".

Robyn: Good point, Robyn! Bieber would have cried like a sissy if he'd been put in quarantine.

Sarcastic Ninja: You could be right, Ms Ninja. Only Paris thinks everyone wants to touch her boobs. But I don't think the monkey gave a damn about her career.

Juliette: Does Ellie-May still adore him, Jules? Maybe she'd forget him if you got her a pet monkey.
That monkey looks more the Aryan ideal than Master Bieber...
Bieber could simply comb the hair over his eyes. Still, I think both would make better pets than humans.
Bieber should never have taken the pet along if he had any care for its wellbeing at all - it should have been left in good care where it was - taking a monkey around the world on your tour is irresponsible
Sadly so Mr G.B.

I was thinking more along the lines of a pet Gorilla?
Is that an actual Paris Hilton quote? I don't know why Paris veered off into the chaotic world of sex tapes and late night partying, when she had the chops to be a 1st rate comedienne. I wouldn't have minded if she adopted me to replace her pet monkey either (though like Rhianna whatsherface, I hear she has a really bad case of cooties).
Hahaha! Did Paris Hilton really say that? Perhaps the best quote ever xx
He's getting way freaky. Something's gotta blow soon.
Steve: Maybe that's why Germans arrested it - they mistook it for a member of the Hitler youth.

Angie: Humans make difficult pets, it's true. There's just no pleasing them.

DFTP: I suppose Bieber thought it would enjoy all the sight-seeing and night life.

Juliette: It's a huge step from Bieber to a gorilla, Jules. Did she like King Kong?

Jimmy: Well, she did make a comic appearance in South Park, where she adopted Butters and forced him to dress up like a teddy bear. Do you ever identify with Butters, Jimmy?

Scarlett: It certainly sounds authentic to me, Scarlett.

Dr Zibbs: I think he needs to get blown, and I doubt the monkey will do it.
I find Butters to be an endearing character, but I never thought before that perhaps that was because deep in my subconscious I do indeed identify with Butters. Thanks for the free psychoanalysis.
Gorilla, i'd knock her out.
I can't believe Paris said that in public- too funny and odd at the same time.

I didn't even know the Biebs had a pet monkey until I heard about it in the news. I heard actor Russell Brand has started a comedy campaign
to let Justin keep his monkey.

Well, abandoning his monkey is probably better than spanking his monkey.
Although not as much fun.
I think I speak for all of us when I say that The Bieber should be allowed to take his monkey wherever he damn well pleases.
Jimmy: I'm not a trained shrink, Jimmy, but if you feel a connection with Butters you should make the little guy your mascot. (Unlike you he didn't want to be Paris Hilton's pet, but maybe that's because he hasn't yet reached puberty.)

Crazy Mama: Not that easy in the dark, Crazy Mama. It might turn into a clinch.

Cocaine Princess: Biebs needs all the support he can get from his fellow Canadians, Miss Princess. Russell Brand is merely an opportunist wag.

Al: Bieber's monkey must never be spanked. It must be treated tenderly until it's ready to mate.

Dr Ken: Not quite, Dr Ken, but I think you may have a super-majority.
I'm incredibly ill-informed when it comes to the growing boy who needs his milk and cookies. I thought they'd set the monkey free and put Bieber in a cage. Thanks for ruining my day.
It's easy to confuse the two if you're not a trained primatologist.
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