Wednesday, July 09, 2014

Natural augmentation

The singer Ellie Goulding has taken the unusual step of denying that her breasts have been surgically enhanced:

“My boobs look bigger because my waist is smaller,” she explained. “People underestimate how you can shape your body. Since I stopped eating meat and fish, my body’s better than ever.”

I condemn the gossips and guttersnipes who goaded her into making such a statement. When a woman’s breasts grow bigger, the event should be celebrated like a bumper harvest of fruit. Mother Nature, in her glorious munificence, is showing us that her gifts are ripe and ready for plucking.

Miss Goulding added that she has always been terrified of cosmetic surgery:

“I’m petrified of anything like that. My friends will think it’s hilarious.”

Her fears are not unfounded. I’ve always found it strange that so many women will allow their bodies to be tampered with while they are unconscious. Reputation is no guarantee of success – a Harley street surgeon has recently been accused of a botched boob job. According to a report on the hearing:

A medical panel heard that breast implant specialist Mohammad Aslam tucked a pair of 4.5kg 1,600cc implants into Andrea Scott in 2010. But Scott, 36, who already had a set of 800cc implants, was left with breasts that were "too big and heavy," according to one breast expert.

Any fool can see what happened here. Dr Aslam must have lost his notes on the patient and crammed in as much silicone as he could to be on the safe side. Like many men, he finds it inconceivable that a woman could complain about her breasts being too big. Such misdeeds are inevitable in a profession that is a natural home for the tit fiend. It’s no accident that virtually all breast enlargement surgeons are men.

Hopefully women contemplating implants will hear about this story and, like Miss Goulding, consider natural alternatives. My old friend Smacker Ramrod believes that frequent sex will enlarge a woman’s bosom:

“I got seduced by a busty nurse when I was 18,” he once told me. “I could feel them expand when she pushed them against my face.”

“A method of measurement well known to Science,” I remarked. “But didn’t they later contract to their normal size?”

“No, she told me she needed bras with a bigger cup-size,” he replied. “I would have helped her pay for them if I hadn’t been a penniless student.”

“Well, it’s never too late to post someone a cheque,” I said. “Although perhaps she felt the benefits-in-kind were sufficient.”

I am sorry to say that Paris Hilton has recently been drawing attention to her jahoobies. There was a time when I spoke in this young lady’s defence, but the weight of evidence eventually forced me to concur with her detractors and lampooners. Will wearing revealing dresses pump the air back into her waning celebrity cult? Possibly not, but talking to the titties of a vacuous bimbo is more appealing than listening to her mouth.

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Greetings Mr. Bananas, it is I the Mohave Rat! After visiting my humble blog and leaving a nice comment I felt obliged to do the same in return.I have decided to follow you after perusing your delightful blog. Excellent blog!
I'd like to see a post describing all the sexiest members of your own species.
That would be cool if boobs spontaneously grew past the age of puberty, but sadly it doesn't work that way. Bummer. More randomly sprouting big boobs, please. What are we paying these scientists to do anyway????????
Wow, Paris does have a beautifully sculpted bosom. A work of art. This is the first time I pay her a compliment! I'd love to spend a night in the Paris Hilton :)
"bumper harvest of fruit" - I'm surprised you didn't write a harvest of melons. I think the boob job is overrated and oversold. Natural ones with a good shape are better.

i'll bet she paid over a hundred bucks for that dress so it shouldn't malfunction.
4.5kg 1,600cc? Sounds like the engine capacity of a motorbike. Someone certainly got taken for a ride.
Mohave Rat: Thank you, Mr Rat. You are welcome to co-exist with the other fauna in this habitat.

Michael: Sexiness has a lot to do with smell in our species, so it's not so easy to convey in words and pictures. Do you know any women who find King Kong sexy?

Dr Ken: That would be too easy, Dr Ken. You've got to cultivate them properly first.

Joe: I suppose it might be bearable if she didn't ask you to hug her cuddly animal toys.

Bill: One shouldn't be too specific about the type of fruit one compares breasts to, given the rich diversity of sizes and shapes.

Billy: I bet she paid a lot more than 100 bucks, but I don't think she was too worried about a malfunction.

Steve: She already had 800cc implants, so she ended up with 2400cc per breast. Isn't that bigger than a BMW engine?
So basically, if I stop eating fish and meat and practise my hoola-hooping my chesticles will blossom? Right...

Apparently theres a new trend in China where girls are getting huge knockers knocked up so that their mobile phone can slide easily into their cleavage on a day to day basis. Much easier than buying a phone case, naturally.
The head of Personnel at my new job has a bad nose job. You can see tiny scars on either side of her nostrils. When I meet with her, I can't take my eyes off of her nose scars. It's bloody distracting! Sometimes, I lose my train of thought.

Are you blogging about Paris Hilton?! Is that what it's come to?!
Paris Hilton is actually a pretty funny and talented person. I think her career would have been more successful if she had focused on that side of herself, rather than opting for the short-term success of these raucous publicity stunts. But as Lord Throckmorton Fungusleaves would say, "That is neither here, nor there."
When young I was always teased that my boobs looked like 2 BB's shot into a board. In other words, I had none. Then I got married at 23 and they began to grow...and grow...and grow! I wish they had stopped about size 36 but ended up with 40 cups. I was thankful I did not end up like my grandma who looked humongous like DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER'S wife, Beth (see her online photos). My husband always took credit for my breasts.
The plastic, unnaturally hard breasts of the augmented has never done much for me. I suspect most men prefer a natural swing and wobble?
Juliette: That's an interesting place for a mobile phone, Jules. I wonder how it feels when the phone starts buzzing? The Chinese are getting very inventive!

Exile: You should tell her about the scars so she can cover them with face paint. My first blog post about Paris Hilton was in 2006 and I spoke out in her defence. Since then I have been more circumspect.

Jimmy: I'm not convinced she's intentionally funny, Jimmy. I've laughed at many people who aren't trying to be amusing. Do you know a funny joke of hers?

Rose: I'm glad your husband took credit for them, Rose. It shows he really appreciated them.

Bryan: I hope you are right about most men's preferences, but do silicone implants really feed hard? I'll only believe it if you're talking from experience.
Gorilla, if you have ever seen her on her old show "The Simple Life" with Nicole Richie, she's hilarious. She also has a few comedic movie roles that were received quite well.
A few, but they're mostly aspiring actresses who'll do anything for attention.
I'll have to go on her diet. I find her completely trustworthy. The chest and waist size ratio make perfect sense in the bizarro world. Glad you put the squeeze on her, Gorilla!

You always make me smile with your words. While I have endowed with DD's, I would have been perfectly happy with smaller breasts if that's how the cards fell.
I stopped eating meat a long time ago, but somehow it's my middle that keeps growing. I must have defective genes.
I guess women are so used to dermatologists and gynaecology and mammograms, having some guy shove things inside your body isn't as big a step as it seems.
More than a mouthful is a waste.
I don't really agree with that, but I'll pretty much be satisfied however big they are.
Jimmy: I didn't watch The Simple Life because no one said it was any good. Maybe TV critics were too embarrassed to gave her the praise she deserved.

Michael: Is that so? If I knew who they were I'd give them some attention (publicity, that is: I wouldn't accost them).

Julie: I'm glad you've taken her side, Julie. I don't believe I've squeezed her, but I might oblige if she asked me nicely.

Mary: Thanks for telling us your cup size, Mary! You are one of several well-stacked ladies who comment here! Women of all sizes are equally welcome and appreciated, as you imply!

Ninja: A long middle finger definitely means something, Ms Ninja. It might have something to do with your libido, but I can't quite remember the details.

Drake Sigar: And let's not forget pregnancy! That's the biggest thing that gets inside a woman (although it's not very big at entry, of course).

Al: Well, beggars can't be choosers. I don't really mean that - I'm sure you've never had to beg.
Maybe she's pregnant.
So if I stop eating fish too my boobs will explode into full bloom? x
Fredulous: She's keeping it tightly to her chest if she is - so to speak.

Scarlett: It's not something one can guarantee, Miss Scarlett, but I really hope it happens for you.
Do you think it's a mere coincidence, GB, that wardrobe malfunctions never relate to showing too much of a woman's shrunken belly?
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