Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Wedding planner
Perhaps I’m not paying sufficient attention, but I can’t seem to recall any show business weddings happening for a long time. Maybe the A-list crowd have finally realised that turning your wedding into a gala event makes you look like a complete ass when you file for divorce six months later. George Clooney did make a big hoo-hah about his marriage to Ms What’s-Her-Name, but she was a high-flying lawyer rather than a starlet. A man who marries a lawyer knows he will be subjected to a serious pussy-whipping if the marriage fails, so he may as well burn his bridges and go in with all guns blazing.
You don’t have to be a celebrity to have marital problems, of course. Indeed, the problems often arise before the marriage begins. I was bemused to read a news report about a German man who proposed to his girlfriend when he was drunk, at 4.30am in the morning. After sleeping off his hangover, he knew he’d popped the question, but couldn’t remember what her answer had been. A peculiar stalemate then arose when his girlfriend refused to tell him. In his desperation, the man placed an advertisement in a newspaper asking for eyewitnesses to the event. It included the following statement:
"Due to a large consumption of alcohol, I cannot remember her answer and she's remaining silent. Who saw the proposal and can give me relevant clues?"
Call me an innocent ape, but does a woman who’s been asked to repeat her answer to a marriage proposal normally clam up in this way? I admit it can be mildly irritating to have to say the same thing twice, but she must have known her boyfriend was pissed on the first occasion. There’s no point getting into a huff if someone can’t remember something. Back in my circus days, a clown forgot what he was supposed to do in a comedy routine we were rehearsing. I told him to bend over and kicked his arse. Problem solved.
If you ask me, the essential prerequisite for human marriages is the management of expectations. If a couple enter the matrimonial contract expecting it to resemble the ending of a Doris Day movie, they are bound to be disappointed. Far better to think they’ve been sentenced to a life term with hard labour and no parole. No one can deny that most marriages are easier to bear than prison. The food is better, the bed is more comfortable, you have regular vacations and sex if you’re lucky. Men who complain about their marriages should thank their lucky stars they aren’t residing in a high-security gaol, with a beefy looking fellow with tattoos on his arms as their roommate.
Truly, we earth-dwelling creatures have much to be grateful for – blue skies, sandy beaches, forests full of trees to climb, Doris Day movies to watch. Having a girlfriend who won’t tell you whether she accepted your marriage proposal is a minor inconvenience by comparison. Just say “whatever” and get on with your life.
Labels: Doris Day, George Clooney, Germans, marriage, marriage proposal
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Romantic fiction
Some oaf in North Carolina has persuaded a girl to marry him by writing a ridiculous book about a gorilla and a giraffe:
“We spend a lot of time going to zoos and the giraffes are her favourite part,” he explained. “I am clumsy and big like a gorilla, so I played off that in my writing.”
Looking at a picture of the fellow, I would say he is clumsy and big like an overweight human who has eaten too many donuts. He asked his girlfriend to read the book to him, the story being about a gorilla who woos a giraffe (hah!). He then confessed to being the author and got down on one knee to propose. Rather than spurning him for writing such tosh, the sentimental floozy consented to be his wife. Good luck to her – having made her bed she must lie in it, however lumpy it turns out to be.
Fortunately only ten copies of the book have been printed, which will limit the spread of its zoological delusions. It is physically impossible for a gorilla to mate with a giraffe. We aren’t even tall enough to perform oral sex on them. What’s more, those long-legged herbivores are notoriously cranky and will lash out at anyone who tries to molest them. Any gorilla foolish enough to approach one with a step ladder would end up with a hoof in his mouth.
On the subject of fanciful tales, it seems that Batman and Superman will be teaming up in a new movie. I worry about Batman getting an inferiority complex, given that he can’t fly or stop express trains by puffing-out his chest. The one place he could compete with Superman is in the boudoir. Imagine the sparks that would fly if he seduced Lois Lane – Superman, Catwoman and the Boy Wonder would all be seething with jealousy! Superman might then abandon his uptight sexual ethics and get some poontang for himself, preferably with a bad girl who’ll teach him all the tricks. A superhero ought to know what he’s doing when he’s pleasuring a woman.
Someone who might make a good mistress for Superman is a 46-year-old Russian woman who offered herself to her boyfriend on a flight of stairs. Unfortunately her head got stuck in the railings during the coupling, after which her cowardly and ungallant lover left her to fend for herself. A neighbour eventually found her naked on the staircase and called the emergency services.
I don’t know the woman’s name, but if someone sets up a charitable fund on her behalf I would make a generous donation. She evidently acted from the best of motives in trying to “spice things up” for her man. Her judgement may have been faulty, but I won’t condemn her for that. We all make mistakes.
I hope this mishap will convince her never to engage in such acts without a bottle of lube, which she could have used to grease the railings and free herself. Never be too proud to bring a bottle of lube with you.
Labels: Batman, giraffe, gorilla, lube, marriage proposal
