Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Romantic fiction


Some oaf in North Carolina has persuaded a girl to marry him by writing a ridiculous book about a gorilla and a giraffe:

“We spend a lot of time going to zoos and the giraffes are her favourite part,” he explained. “I am clumsy and big like a gorilla, so I played off that in my writing.”

Looking at a picture of the fellow, I would say he is clumsy and big like an overweight human who has eaten too many donuts. He asked his girlfriend to read the book to him, the story being about a gorilla who woos a giraffe (hah!). He then confessed to being the author and got down on one knee to propose. Rather than spurning him for writing such tosh, the sentimental floozy consented to be his wife. Good luck to her – having made her bed she must lie in it, however lumpy it turns out to be.

Fortunately only ten copies of the book have been printed, which will limit the spread of its zoological delusions. It is physically impossible for a gorilla to mate with a giraffe. We aren’t even tall enough to perform oral sex on them. What’s more, those long-legged herbivores are notoriously cranky and will lash out at anyone who tries to molest them. Any gorilla foolish enough to approach one with a step ladder would end up with a hoof in his mouth.

On the subject of fanciful tales, it seems that Batman and Superman will be teaming up in a new movie. I worry about Batman getting an inferiority complex, given that he can’t fly or stop express trains by puffing-out his chest. The one place he could compete with Superman is in the boudoir. Imagine the sparks that would fly if he seduced Lois Lane – Superman, Catwoman and the Boy Wonder would all be seething with jealousy! Superman might then abandon his uptight sexual ethics and get some poontang for himself, preferably with a bad girl who’ll teach him all the tricks. A superhero ought to know what he’s doing when he’s pleasuring a woman.

Someone who might make a good mistress for Superman is a 46-year-old Russian woman who offered herself to her boyfriend on a flight of stairs. Unfortunately her head got stuck in the railings during the coupling, after which her cowardly and ungallant lover left her to fend for herself. A neighbour eventually found her naked on the staircase and called the emergency services.

I don’t know the woman’s name, but if someone sets up a charitable fund on her behalf I would make a generous donation. She evidently acted from the best of motives in trying to “spice things up” for her man. Her judgement may have been faulty, but I won’t condemn her for that. We all make mistakes.

I hope this mishap will convince her never to engage in such acts without a bottle of lube, which she could have used to grease the railings and free herself. Never be too proud to bring a bottle of lube with you.

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Comments:
Love it
 
I guess if a giraffe DID want her gorilla boyfriend to perform oral sex on her, she could say, "Go UP on me, big fella."
 
that russian deal sounds like something that nogoodnik rogozhin would have done to one of the yepanchin girls.
 
Despite the large neck, a giraffe would never get her neck stuck in a staircase, mostly because giraffes have a hard time navigating stairs. I think that's why most of them live in fields and not mountains.

 
It is probable that after all of these decades swathed in sweaty nylon and lycra, Superman's tackle is no longer of merchantable quality.

What might the term be for the offspring of a giraffe and a gorilla? A girilla? A goraffe?
 
When I was reading comics as a kid, I always thought the Superman/Batman pairing was ridiculous. Superman is from a different planet, for cryin' out loud. The Batman comics are rooted firmly on earth. It's purely a commercial contrivance. Fail.

I can't imagine how someone got their head caught in a railing while fucking. What's the mechanics of it? I must lack imagination.
 
That fat human is an idiot. As you pointed out, a gorilla and a giraffe can not mate.. or date. That is an inter-species relationship, and wrong not only morally, but biologically. So he is saying his fiance looks like a giraffe? Is that supposed to be a compliment? If humans weren't such idiots, his girlfriend would have kicked him in his useless tiny testicles, and then thumped him over the head with that ridiculous book of his. I don't know. This stuff just makes me mad.
 
John: *Takes a bow*

Al: "Go up on me" is what the Moon might have said to the Saturn 5 rocket. Innocent types might think it just means kissing.

Billy: Those are great Russian names, Billy. I'll let you know when I've looked them up.

Chris: It would have to be a specially designed staircase for a giraffe to have sex on it. Possibly one without any steps. I wonder if a giraffe would enjoy rubbing its neck between the railings?

Sir Hutson: Superman's knob is made of superdense material from the Planet Krypton, so maybe it's resistent to lycra. A cross between a gorilla and a giraffe would be 'A Monstrosity'.

Exile: The pairing doesn't make sense, but there's nothing to stop Batman trying his luck with Lois Lane. As for the Russian lady, I suspect she was unable to twist her into the same position it was in when it went between them.

Jimmy: She's certainly more attractive than a giraffe (click the link for further pictures). One would have thought she could have found a better husband, but maybe she's a chubby chaser. The mysteries of love are infinite.
 
Maybe the boyfriend took the lube with him when he left.
 
Haha no way! Did he print them off himself and bind them? OR did some publisher actually go along with it? x
 
Lube is something that has been on my shopping list for awhile now ever since a previous girl friend introduced me to joys of a brand described as silky. I've looked for it at Wal-Mart to no avail. Heck, I can't even find the Lewd and Lascivious aisle. I hate Wal-Mart!

A gorilla mating with a giraffe? It is just freaky. And this getting down on his knees to propose? He'll regret that. Lots of luck ever getting off those knees.

Poontang. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love that word and somehow had forgotten it even existed. But then I forgot the word branch once too. Oh yeah, Batman and the boudoir. He probably can screw better than Superman. After all he built a car.
 
If her ears were trapped on the other side of the railing what the hell was he holding onto?
 
1. I have to admit that I like the guy's idea with the children's book turning out to be one he published. It's cute, right? This is why we have anonymous blogs, so that we can admit to liking things like this.

2. The new Batman with Superman in the same movie will be a total pile of crappola.

3. The girl getting nailed on the staircase and getting head caught in the railing is absolutely hilarious.
 
I'm far from excited about the new Batman movie. Don't get me wrong, I'm a movie whore and will go to the theater to watch it, but the moment that Ben Affleck, dressed as Batman, speaks in a Boston accent, I'm going to march out of the theater disgusted.
 
Ruth: It's a shocking possibility. Are there no depths to his infamy?

Scarlett: I should imagine he paid a publisher to make copies for him, Scarlett. It doesn't sound like a potential best seller.

David: Maybe you should try ordering your lube on-line - you can buy all kinds of stuff on the internet these days. I'm glad to have reminded you of poontang. It's not a word that should be forgotten.

Steve: Have you been watching a porn version of Dumbo?

Dr Ken: Yes, Dr Ken, you can like whatever you want. My issue is with content of the book rather than how it was used to further his marital ambitions.

HermanTurnip: I've not been able to take Affleck seriously since he was parodied in South Park. For me, he will always be the man who fell in love with Cartman's hand.
 
Were you put out at that 'donut eating oaf' referring to the mighty gorilla as clumsy, Mr. GB? How dreadfully rude. What a bonkers thing to write about but at least he's got the girl/ giraffe.

He left her with her head stuck in the railings? Well bugger me...no, poor turn of phrase. What an A class arsehole. Hmmm - him, not hers.
 
I'll get off the railing and go look for him!
Just to get even.
 
That stairwell couple took it a step too far, wouldn't you say, GB? Thanks for the laughs - I giggled thruout. Love your sarcastic humor.

xoRobyn
 
Aerosmith--- "Love in an Elevator" much safer than in a staircase.

I agree, props for her wanting to spice things up.

 
There's a certain theme running through this post.


Have you thought about using some mild porn to get relief?
 
Gorilla: I'm not so sure I would use ambitious to describe getting married. Submissions might be more accurate.
 
Juliette: The man is an ignoramus, Jules. He shouldn't write about animals if that is the best he can do. And the other man is a cad and a bounder, as you imply.

Jaya: What would you do to him, Jaya. I'd recommend shooting him in the arse with an air pistol. It might be difficult to trick him into putting his head between a pair of railings.

Robyn: "A step too far" would be a great line for James Bond to turn down sex on a staircase, Robyn. Glad you enjoyed it!

Cocaine Princess: Very true, Miss Princess, assuming you could stop between floors. There's a limit to how far these things can be rushed.

TS Bastard: No, have you? Human sexual behaviour doesn't really excite me, I'm like Davy Attenborough watching baboons mate.

Dr Ken: I hear the voice of experience, Dr Ken.
 
"Never be too proud to bring a bottle of lube with you". Genius GB. Perhaps I could follow this up with an editorial on lube? I wonder what brand of lube a gorilla prefers with all that hair...down there...
 
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