Wednesday, July 08, 2015
Sexy beasts
I got an email from a blog lurker asking me what I thought of Shebani, the silverback who lives in Japan. Never having met the ape, I’m in no position to comment on his dinner conversation or grooming technique. I would hazard a guess, nevertheless, that he is not in Japan by choice. Gorillas generally avoid places prone to earthquakes, particularly if the fire exits are too narrow for their backsides.
Shebani has recently been in the news because Japanese women apparently find him more attractive than George Clooney (see comparison above). This is not as ridiculous as it sounds. In a country full of small hairless men, the women might well have unnatural hankerings for a big hairy beast. As for Clooney, he’s neither one thing nor the other. To the dainty oriental woman, he is different without being remarkable, like teriyaki turkey or goose.
I hope George doesn’t take his demotion in the primate hierarchy to heart. I know for a fact that there are female gorillas who would prefer him to Shebani. For all his smouldering good looks, the gorilla is remarkably inactive, spending most of the day glaring at people from a sedentary position. You could never say that about George. He’s always been a very mobile man, which appeals to lady gorillas who enjoy the thrill of the chase. If George ever found himself scurrying through the Congo rainforests, they’d be jumping on him from all angles.
As a newly married man, Clooney shouldn’t be concerned about this anyway. The only female he needs to attract now is his wife, and she seems more than happy with the millions he’s lavishing on their new home in the Thames Valley. The neighbours are none too pleased with all the construction work going on, but the typical English householder is renowned for being a grumpy old fart. I would advise George to attach a piece of hard cheese to the seat of his pants and invite his neighbours to kiss it whenever they complain about the nuisance he’s causing.
Whatever Japanese women think of him, Clooney can take comfort from the fact that his fellow thespians still hold him in high regard. The actress Eva Longoria recently declared that she wanted to be “the female George Clooney”. She should ask George to dress up in drag so she knows exactly what she’s aiming for.
I actually think a woman would have been more convincing in a lot of Clooney’s film roles. In Three Kings, he played a special forces major who memorably saved a comrade whose testicles were being electrocuted by an Iraqi villain. Clearly, it would have been much easier for a woman to keep a cool head in such a situation. She could have watched the man’s balls being barbecued without feeling sympathetic pangs in her own gonads, enabling her to execute the rescue plan with due care and deliberation.
When will Hollywood realise that women are often more credible in scenes involving sadism and torture?
Labels: Eva Longoria, female gorillas, George Clooney, gorilla, Japan
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Romantic fiction
Some oaf in North Carolina has persuaded a girl to marry him by writing a ridiculous book about a gorilla and a giraffe:
“We spend a lot of time going to zoos and the giraffes are her favourite part,” he explained. “I am clumsy and big like a gorilla, so I played off that in my writing.”
Looking at a picture of the fellow, I would say he is clumsy and big like an overweight human who has eaten too many donuts. He asked his girlfriend to read the book to him, the story being about a gorilla who woos a giraffe (hah!). He then confessed to being the author and got down on one knee to propose. Rather than spurning him for writing such tosh, the sentimental floozy consented to be his wife. Good luck to her – having made her bed she must lie in it, however lumpy it turns out to be.
Fortunately only ten copies of the book have been printed, which will limit the spread of its zoological delusions. It is physically impossible for a gorilla to mate with a giraffe. We aren’t even tall enough to perform oral sex on them. What’s more, those long-legged herbivores are notoriously cranky and will lash out at anyone who tries to molest them. Any gorilla foolish enough to approach one with a step ladder would end up with a hoof in his mouth.
On the subject of fanciful tales, it seems that Batman and Superman will be teaming up in a new movie. I worry about Batman getting an inferiority complex, given that he can’t fly or stop express trains by puffing-out his chest. The one place he could compete with Superman is in the boudoir. Imagine the sparks that would fly if he seduced Lois Lane – Superman, Catwoman and the Boy Wonder would all be seething with jealousy! Superman might then abandon his uptight sexual ethics and get some poontang for himself, preferably with a bad girl who’ll teach him all the tricks. A superhero ought to know what he’s doing when he’s pleasuring a woman.
Someone who might make a good mistress for Superman is a 46-year-old Russian woman who offered herself to her boyfriend on a flight of stairs. Unfortunately her head got stuck in the railings during the coupling, after which her cowardly and ungallant lover left her to fend for herself. A neighbour eventually found her naked on the staircase and called the emergency services.
I don’t know the woman’s name, but if someone sets up a charitable fund on her behalf I would make a generous donation. She evidently acted from the best of motives in trying to “spice things up” for her man. Her judgement may have been faulty, but I won’t condemn her for that. We all make mistakes.
I hope this mishap will convince her never to engage in such acts without a bottle of lube, which she could have used to grease the railings and free herself. Never be too proud to bring a bottle of lube with you.
Labels: Batman, giraffe, gorilla, lube, marriage proposal
