Wednesday, August 14, 2013


A correspondent asks me why I haven’t commented on the strange case of a young man who is attracted to girls who break wind:

“I can’t think of anyone better qualified to offer an expert opinion,” he wrote. “You gorillas are constantly farting.”

This peculiar mixture of flattery and exaggeration deserved a curt response. We gorillas discharge gas from our bowels regularly, not continuously, and these emissions do not in themselves make us an authority on the subject. There are many things in life which are done reflexively with the minimum of philosophising.

“I have no interest in human fart fetishes,” I wrote in reply. “My flatulence is released into the open air, preferably when a stiff wind is blowing.”

He left me this link, which I ignored for a good twenty minutes until curiosity got the better of me. It makes fascinating reading. The young man in question is a 22-year-old from Illinois called ‘Brad’, who has a degree in fine arts. He became aware of his unusual fancy in high school, when a girl he had a crush on broke wind in class:

“This blew my mind,” he said. “Prior to that, I’d never really considered it. I knew by simple biology that girls farted, but hearing that the girl I had been fawning over was capable of such a thing sparked a strange interest in me.”

A British psychologist has written a paper about Brad in an academic journal:

“Eproctophiles are said to spend an abnormal amount of time thinking about farting and flatulence and have recurring intense sexual urges and fantasies involving farting and flatulence,” explained Professor Mark Griffiths of Nottingham University.

I’m sure most of my readers will find the idea of being turned on by farts repulsive, but look at it from another point of view. How liberating for a girl to go on a date where she doesn’t have worry about her effusions and could happily order a side dish of re-fried beans. She'd just relax her colon and let the conversation flow, with the occasional interruption from a ladylike ‘parp’. Let’s hope Brad finds a flatulent young female who will fart in his face until the cows come home. A match made in heaven it would certainly be.

I’d be interested to know what Lady Gaga thinks about eproctophilia. The young diva recently starred in a spooky promotional video for a campaign to build a new art institute. It is full of arcane rituals, such as wearing a blindfold with horns sprouting from the eyes, bending over naked in a forest, and hugging a block of ice (or is it quartz crystal?) while naked. I don’t know what it means, but I’m sure the new art institute is as a good as built. No one messes with the occult if they want a quiet life.

The question I’d like you to consider is whether a woman who performs such outlandish deeds could possibly be ashamed (or even coy) about breaking wind? If anyone could make farting fashionable, it’s got to be Lady Gaga. 

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Just when I think that the world is becoming a saner, safer place, along come the eproctophilists to ruin the illusion. Now I have to ask myself what's next around the corner to top this, thus sending my naive view of the world into a tailspin once again?
i'd love to put lady gaga into my dutch oven.
Fartin' you say? Fartin'? Splendid sport. Many's the time I've sat on me veranda watching the sun set over a local maharaja, inflatin' the old jodhpurs. I always ring for the match-wallah to flare them off for me; keeps the mozzies down don't you know. I didn't get where I am today by not inflatin' me jodhpurs once in a while.
Eproctophilia is a young man's game. It's less enjoyable when certain muscles relax with age and there is a higher risk of follow through.
Eproctophiles are full of wind.
That's a pretty word for a mental illness. In my opinion.
Here is my theory. Barring mental illness, we are all programmed to accept certain norms of society. Many of us deviate in some way from that norm. However, I think we have a deviation saturation point (yes, I just made that up). And so people who obviously deviate from the norm would naturally be close to saturation. With that in mind, I think it is not only possible that the lady would be ashamed of farting, but probable.
mmm...only good if you can light the fart, then it's hilarious...
HermanTurnip: Human fetishes have no limits, Sir. There was a man who wanted a cannibal to eat his penis - I may have mentioned him in an earlier post.

Billy: If you ever get the chance, I suggest you do it after you've made love to her.

Sir Hutson: I never realised you could get airtight jodhpurs. Must get pretty sweaty in the groin region.

Steve: You're supposed to be a receiver, not a giver. Do you know anyone with a tight sphincter who'll fart in your face?

TS Bastard: Only if they inhale.

Exile: I wouldn't go that far. You can't send someone to the loony bin for having an abnormal sense of smell.

David: Thanks for answering my question, David. You're probably right, but I'm not 100% sure. Farting is natural, so she couldn't be ashamed of doing it without also being inconsistent.

Nota Bene: Now that women are giving up smoking, it could become the alternative to lighting their cigarettes.
Two things:
1. Well, that goes to show you they have a word for EVERYthing.
2. If she eats cocktail peanuts, she could put an eye out.
Sadly, I clicked on the video. There truly are things which, when seen, can never be UNseen.
At least the Beatles kept their clothes on for 'I Am the Walrus.'
I usually find farts and farting quite humorous, so I wonder if an eproctophile would be offended by my reaction. In some regards, I am being a little juvenile when clearly this is a matter of great importance.
Well, let me relate to you my personal experience, Gorilla. Once there was a girl where I work who would just burp out loud when she felt like it. I had a crush on her, not because of a burping fetish, but because I had never met a girl that went around burping before. I thought she was unique. Then one day, a totally different girl at work walked by me and burped really loud. Then I realized there was nothing special about this, and the women where I worked were just obnoxious little pigs. Long story short, this realization helped me get over my crush on the other little oinker.
Female farts don't do it for me, but whatever gets your motor revved up is all good. I know a girl who can contract her vagina muscles and let out queef-after-queef. I was impressed but grossed out.

Suddenly, I feel like a complete asshole for dismissing a gentleman last year for his armpit fetish. That seems positively normal, by comparison.

On the upside, no need to clench it in until after the wedding!
Al: That's why you should never swallow peanuts with chewing them first. Keep watching the video until you can appreciate the art.

Chris: Have you seen the episode of South Park called 'Eat, Pray, Queef'? Unless you can also laugh at women queefing, you're sexist.

Jimmy: Is it possible the second girl burped at you deliberately, knowing you admired such acts. She may have been flirting in her own peculiar way.

Dr Ken: You definitely need to see the episode of South Park called 'Eat, Pray, Queef'. Being grossed out by queefing is sexist, and exercising vagina muscles is something men should encourage.

Megly: Did he want you tickle your armpit or hear you squelch it?
Lady Gaga will probably fashion a new trend, like pass farts through the vagina (whether or not she has one).

Farting seems to be THE topic right now. There were posts/comments on Google+ recently and I did a blog post last week about it.
I am just pleased to get a gorilla/ape's opinion now.
Love at first fart? I suppose there are worse fetishes out there than being attracted to someone who passes gas. No doubt a smelly & gross fetish. Hmm, 69 takes on a whole new meaning.

One could turn such a thing into an advantage. If you want to irritate someone with such a fetish eat something that will cause really rank farts. Other times when enticement is the goal, eat something to woo the lover of the fart.
i had an ex-colleague who ate and farted while working. she raised her butt to one side while she did it. eeeks.
Robyn: That's called "queefing" Robyn, and I'm sure she's already proficient.

Brenda: You're welcome, Brenda, I'm glad to join the debate on this important topic.

Cocaine Princess: I agree, Miss Princess, it's better that copraphilia.

Ruth: Haha, it would require a lot of experimentation to work out what to eat. Maybe someone should offer a prize to the chef who invents a dish that produces perfumed farts.

Jaya: Hehe, what a shameless woman! Did she have a fat butt?
You wait, within two months there'll be a dating agency set up dedicated to eproctophilia
That's terrifying thought, Scarlett. I suspect the farters will greatly outnumber the sniffers.
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