Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Apps with benefits

A cheeky baboon asks me if I have the Bang with Friends app on my smartphone.

“In the first place, I don't have a smartphone," I reply with casual haughtiness. "And in the second place, the app would be redundant, because I never bang with friends. Such behaviour inevitably causes discombobulation, which upsets one's mental equilibrium. Begone, you cheeky baboon!”

After doing some research, I discover that the app is not quite as bad as it sounds. The “friends” whose banging it facilitates are actually “Facebook friends”, which usually means some stranger who gave your second cousin a manicure. I have never met most of my Facebook friends, which is just as well. I’m sure a good many of them would become my enemies if I did.

So “Bang with Friends” actually means “copulate with a stranger who’s as horny as you are and doesn’t want any complications”. Not an entirely respectable pastime, but far less disruptive than banging a real friend. These facts notwithstanding, the makers of the app are being sued by another company for theft of intellectual property rights. Since when has playing the pander been intellectual property, I’d like to know? I hope this jealous lawsuit gets kicked out of court for tortious interference.

On the subject of sex with strangers, a silly girl has got some undeserved attention by asking random men whether they’d like to have sex with her. Apparently, a lot of them said “yes” without even checking whether she was in oestrus.

Now, there’s nothing clever about filming frisky young bucks making fools of themselves. The manager of the safari camp, being a frisky old buck, said they should have responded to her proposition with another question, such as:
• Can I see you naked first?
• Is your father a policeman?
• Would you like to sit on my face?

I couldn’t resist asking my old circus buddy, Smacker Ramrod, how he would have replied to such an offer. He said that as a happily married man he would have politely declined by pleading impotence:

“Would that I were able, my dear woman, but unfortunately my testicles were crushed like chestnuts in a bicycle accident,” is the form of words he suggested.

You’ve got to love his old school gentlemanly manners. It’s high time it was taught to the younger generation, whose uncouth behaviour has been exemplified by an unfortunate incident on a BBC breakfast show. It seems that the camera panned to a photo of Prince William that had been crudely defaced by cartoon doodles, one of which depicted a penis sprouting from his royal forehead.

Even if Prince William were in fact a dickhead (which is by no means certain), scribbling on one of his photographs is not a genteel way of making the point. A well-bred pamphleteer would have composed a short poem advancing the proposition and hired a jester to read it to the crowds outside Buckingham Palace. There’s always a civilised way of arguing your case, however strongly you feel about it.

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Ah yes. "Bang with Friends". This is how sites likes the personals on Craig's know, the underbelly of the internet...might try to sound legitimate.

But I wonder, are many simians taking advantage of this tool?
Doesn't suing for intellectual property rights necessitate the existence of "intellectual" property? Don't get me wrong, GB, I'm not opposed to banging friends thru facebook or otherwise. I'm simply opposed to it being construed as an intellectual endeavor.

Good one, Robyn! :)

I guess I have no problem with the app other than the problem with Facebook. Five years from now they're going to have a list of everyone you've had sex with or at least contacted. Of course that might be handy for folks trying to track down the source of an STD.
Bang With Friends wasn't around when I was dating, I can tell you that much! Where was it?! This was obviously a contrivance invented by men. Man, it's all so easy now. When I was young it required an expensive dinner and then incessant begging until you finally wore her down.
As my mother is a Facebook friend, I am afeared this app may cause some awkwardness over Christmas lunch
i don't have a smart phone either, i'd like to see photos of the ladies before i run to the telephone company.
Not to mention, that if we, not unreasonably, presume that the growth sprouting from Prince Williams' forehead reflects the doodler's conception of the average dimensions of such growths based on his experience with his own such growth,then his wife/girlfriend would be a rather unsatisfied person and may have reason to use the particular app which is the subject of this article. Phew!
HermanTurnip: Simians have no need of such tools - we have our own subtle ways of initiating sex, usually involving wiggling of the rump.

Robyn: I quite agree, Robyn. They are arguing that the phrase "with friends" is copying (and cheapening) their own silly slogan. A frivolous lawsuit if ever there was one.

David: Yes, having a list of former bedmates will be useful. You don't want to be surprised by someone you've had sex with at a landscape gardening convention.

Exile: I'm sure you're a better man for having had to work for it. Easy sex cheapens the soul.

Nota Bene: Couldn't you help fix her up with someone?

Billy: You have to make friends with the ladies yourself, Billy. The app can't do everything!

Doctor: Well, who knows, the doodler may have been suggesting that the Prince is a little dickhead.
That is an excellent suggestion about pleading impotence to deflect unwanted female companionship. I'll have to remember that next time I'm accosted by my many flocks of female admirers.
Thanks for advertising this sublime idea, GB. I wasn't aware of it!! I certainly would with most of my female friends....OK OK, with ALL of them, given half a chance -_-
So this app allows you to poke friends on Facebook for real?
This is a good app to have. I think if I were a single man with a smart phone, I wouldn't be playing as much "Candy Crush" when there was an app one click away where I could bang people.
Wow, I had no idea there was an app called Bang With Friends. If they lose they could always call it "Bang with Casual Acquaintances"
Jimmy: Only use it on girls who will keep your secret, Jimmy. You don't want the whole world thinking you're a eunuch.

Joe: Well, why not let them know? The chances are that a few of them fancy you.

Steve: Now why didn't they think of 'poke'? Maybe because it only really works for men (and ladies with strap-ons).

Dr Ken: Candy Crush? I assume that's not as sexy as it sounds.

Cocaine Princess: I'm sure your title is a more accurate description, Miss Princess. Not quite as catchy, though.
Candy Crush must not have made its way to the U.K. People are addicted to it out here with their phones. It's kind of like Tetris. A huge time waster.
I know I teach computing and ICT, but I absolutely refuse to have anything to do with facebook, or smartphones, and my life is much better thereof.

We gentlemen are a dying breed.

At least, that's what I said to the telemarketer last night after I told him to f*ck off.

“Would that I were able, my dear woman, but unfortunately my testicles were crushed like chestnuts in a bicycle accident,”


I've never even heard of this app but I've never added anyone on fb that I don't actually know in real life soo...clearly this wouldn't work for me. And not for that reason alone. :)
Oh I do so like Smacker Ramrod. What a most excellent retort!

Bet nobody else said that to her. I take it she hasn't got the 'Bang with friends' app then?

I'm all for it, wordsmiths and jesters.
Dr Ken: Ah, I see, it's like Minesweeper! I have forgotten how to play all these games.

TS Bastard: You're clearly a man who doesn't care if people think he's an old fart. A dying breed, as you say.

Vapid Vixen: I'm sure very few respectable ladies have heard of this app, Ms Vixen. Do you prefer personal messages, then?

Juliette: She was only offering herself to men as a "sociological experiment", Jules, to see how many would agree. I doubt she actually obliged anyone. The app would allow her to pursue her prick-teasing pastime by other means.
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