Wednesday, August 07, 2013
Apps with benefits
A cheeky baboon asks me if I have the Bang with Friends app on my smartphone.
“In the first place, I don't have a smartphone," I reply with casual haughtiness. "And in the second place, the app would be redundant, because I never bang with friends. Such behaviour inevitably causes discombobulation, which upsets one's mental equilibrium. Begone, you cheeky baboon!”
After doing some research, I discover that the app is not quite as bad as it sounds. The “friends” whose banging it facilitates are actually “Facebook friends”, which usually means some stranger who gave your second cousin a manicure. I have never met most of my Facebook friends, which is just as well. I’m sure a good many of them would become my enemies if I did.
So “Bang with Friends” actually means “copulate with a stranger who’s as horny as you are and doesn’t want any complications”. Not an entirely respectable pastime, but far less disruptive than banging a real friend. These facts notwithstanding, the makers of the app are being sued by another company for theft of intellectual property rights. Since when has playing the pander been intellectual property, I’d like to know? I hope this jealous lawsuit gets kicked out of court for tortious interference.
On the subject of sex with strangers, a silly girl has got some undeserved attention by asking random men whether they’d like to have sex with her. Apparently, a lot of them said “yes” without even checking whether she was in oestrus.
Now, there’s nothing clever about filming frisky young bucks making fools of themselves. The manager of the safari camp, being a frisky old buck, said they should have responded to her proposition with another question, such as:
• Can I see you naked first?
• Is your father a policeman?
• Would you like to sit on my face?
I couldn’t resist asking my old circus buddy, Smacker Ramrod, how he would have replied to such an offer. He said that as a happily married man he would have politely declined by pleading impotence:
“Would that I were able, my dear woman, but unfortunately my testicles were crushed like chestnuts in a bicycle accident,” is the form of words he suggested.
You’ve got to love his old school gentlemanly manners. It’s high time it was taught to the younger generation, whose uncouth behaviour has been exemplified by an unfortunate incident on a BBC breakfast show. It seems that the camera panned to a photo of Prince William that had been crudely defaced by cartoon doodles, one of which depicted a penis sprouting from his royal forehead.
Even if Prince William were in fact a dickhead (which is by no means certain), scribbling on one of his photographs is not a genteel way of making the point. A well-bred pamphleteer would have composed a short poem advancing the proposition and hired a jester to read it to the crowds outside Buckingham Palace. There’s always a civilised way of arguing your case, however strongly you feel about it.
Labels: Bang with Friends, dickhead, frisky young bucks, Prince William
