Wednesday, November 16, 2016
Self exposure
I saw a tourist smiling at his smart phone the other day, which he held out in front of him with his arm fully extended.
“Forgive me for asking, but what the devil are you doing?” I asked.
“Taking a picture of myself,” he replied. “Haven’t you heard of selfies?”
“I have now,” I said. “But wouldn’t you rather be taking pictures of the wildlife given that you are touring the African bush at considerable expense?”
“Ah, but I was!” he exclaimed. He then showed me the picture he had taken, which had captured me a few paces behind him, with a quizzical expression on my face.”
“I’m going to send it to my friends with the caption: ‘Show no fear when you are being stalked by a gorilla.’”
“I hope they will realise you are jesting,” I said. “I wouldn’t want to appear in anyone’s nightmares.”
“You’ve got as good a chance of appearing in their erotic dreams!” he said with a smirk.
“Pffft!” I exclaimed. “Such flattery.”
This incident prompted me to investigate the “selfie” phenomenon. It seems that humans are doing it all the time, so they can send their grinning self-portraits to anyone who will look at them. They are especially keen on taking selfies with persons of note, which might explain the incident with the tourist. It seems like harmless fun, but on some occasions it has led to unforeseen mishaps.
During my research, I came across a news report about a college student in Texas who drove her car into a police vehicle. When the policeman got out to question her, he found her fumbling frantically with her bra. She was then forced to confess that she had been taking a selfie of her bare breasts with the intention of sending the picture to her boyfriend. Miss Miranda Rader was arrested on suspicion of driving while intoxicated and released from jail next morning on a $2,000 bail bond.
Now Gorilla Bananas is no laggard on holding humans to account for reckless driving, but I can’t help feeling sorry for Miss Rader. Call me a soft-hearted ape, but I hate to see anyone chastised for trying to do a good deed. Furthermore, she took the picture while stopping at a red light, so she wasn’t wholly negligent on matters of road safety. I hope the court will accept that she was acting from the best of motives. It is far better for a young man to stare at pictures of his girlfriend’s jahoobies than waste time browsing addictive porn sites.
Miss Rader’s misfortune has nevertheless convinced me not to get involved in the “selfie” fad. You can’t concentrate on the issue at hand if you’re constantly taking pictures of yourself. I also have fears that my image might be used for immoral or indecent purposes if it fell into the wrong hands. Anyone who wants to photograph me should leave his calling card at the Brazzaville Wildlife Bureau. I’ll get back to you when I can.
Labels: jahoobies, selfie, smart phone, topless women
Wednesday, September 02, 2015
Frontal expression
So the mayor of New York is getting cheesed off about women walking around topless in Times Square. Good thing he isn’t the mayor of Brazzaville (or “Bra-less-ville”, as the manager of the safari camp affectionately calls it). It seems that he can’t simply order the police to arrest these ladies because they have daubed their breasts with brightly coloured dyes. This, apparently, is protected free speech under the American constitution.
Now the mayor is concerned that these street artists are exercising their right to free expression in a manner that will bewilder and upset tourists, possibly causing them to visit New Jersey instead. As he cannot remove them, he is seeking to close the pedestrian plazas in which they congregate. Critics of his plan have likened this to preventing pollution by sucking the Earth’s atmosphere into space.
“That's not a solution, it's a surrender,” said the president of a local business organisation.
The women, as one would expect, are protesting against what they see as an insidious attempt to deny them their rights.
You may be anticipating that an uninhibited ape like me would support the street performers in this dispute. “Not so fast” would be my reply. Just because we gorillas live free and easy lives, it doesn’t mean will we tolerate any form of bodily display. As a former circus ape, I know that it’s possible to present the female bosom in a highly provocative, not to say insolent, manner. I don’t want to regale you with anecdotes of a personal nature, but I can give you a flavour of what I mean by describing an incident from a film called The Graduate. It’s the scene where Ben takes Elaine to a burlesque bar, where they witness a performer twirling her titty-tassels in an exceptionally vulgar manner. My heart bled for Elaine as she rushed from the establishment in tears after being confronted with this brazen exhibition.
Now if the ladies in Times Square were performing such outrageous stunts, the mayor would have my full support in seeking to curtail their activities. However a video interview of Ms Rachel Jessee, a spokesperson of “GoTopless Day” parade, suggests that this is far from the case. She cogently argues in favour of normalising bare-chestedness in the human female, so that people no longer view it as something aberrant or unsettling. I should add that Ms Jessee’s own breasts were tastefully and teasingly exposed during the interview. I refuse to believe that she would lend her support to anything bawdy or offensive.
So after due consideration of the evidence, I declare the mayor of New York to be a reactionary ass whose ignoble scheme must be resisted with unrelenting doggedness. I urge the citizens of the great metropolis to rally in support of their beautiful and talented and street artists. I will not visit their city as a tourist until the liberated bosoms of Times Square are officially recognised as a symbol of its highest ideals, no less important than the Statue of Liberty.
Labels: Breasts, free speech, human titty, New York, topless women
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Northern exposure
The mayor of a Canadian town has been interviewed by a woman who bared her breasts mid-way through the discussion. Apparently, it’s legal in that part of Canada for women to expose their chests wherever and whenever men are allowed to do so.
I don’t have much sympathy for the mayor. It seems that his interviewer wanted him to accept her boobs as everyday objects you could pass in the street without craning your neck or howling like a wolf. The only counterargument he could offer was that some people might find a topless woman “distracting”. This feeble response allowed her to assert that the mayor’s earlobes were distracting and ask him to wear ear muffs. The mayor was left floundering by this facetious suggestion.
When I told the manager of the safari camp about this story, he said:
“The mayor should have put his face between her tits and shaken his head like a cocktail mixer. Then he should have asked her how many women had ever felt like doing that to a man’s chest.”
I thought he had a point, even if the course of action suggested would have been undignified for someone in a position of civic responsibility. A man’s bare torso will never be in the same league as naked jahoobies, no matter what the law says. However great the pecs are, no woman ever got an erection from leering at them. Even ladies who find such sights stimulating can keep their symptoms tightly under wraps. In any case, my buddy Smacker Ramrod once told me that good girls don’t get sexually aroused until you’ve bought them dinner and whispered sweet-nothings into their ear.
Having said that, one has to admire the woman for skilfully deploying her assets in a daring surprise attack. It’s a tactic that ought to be added to the debating manuals, as well as geo-strategic directives on the use of soft power. I must remember to invite her to our next jungle symposium on the use of display tactics to disorientate potential adversaries. I’m sure most of the delegates would give her a big hand.
The female bosom has its philanthropic uses, of course. Consider the case of the French nurse who posted the following advertisement on a classified site:
”I am a young mother in perfect health, a trained nurse of 29, and I am renting my breasts to milk-feed infants.”
She is looking for a gay couple to hire her services for 100 euros a day. That’s not a lot of money for milk fresh from the teat, with all the associated nurturing of a surrogate mother. Not all the enquiries she got were from gay men with babies:
“I’ve received more than a dozen requests, but only half of them were serious,” said the nurse. “The rest were from perverts.”
Tut tut. Nothing is sacred if a lactating woman cannot advertise her services without being pestered by perverts. I hope she puts their replies in the public domain, so the world can pour scorn on their depravity.
Labels: breast-feeding, display tactics, jahoobies, perverts, topless women
Monday, June 25, 2012
Tree surgery
Serbian druids have discovered an infallible cure for a variety of chronic ailments including back pain and nipple rash. The sufferer must squeeze his body between two trees, hugging one trunk while being goosed by the other. Not any old trees, I should hasten to add. The ones with healing powers are located in a sacred grove where magical substances are sucked up through the roots. This creates a mystical energy field which cleanses the body of its maladies and toxins.
A chap called Branko Lazic is one of hundreds of patients who have been cured in this way:
"I've had crippling back pain for years and the doctors couldn't do anything to help me,” he said. “But all I had to do was pass between these two trees and the pain faded away. It's a miracle."
You don’t get endorsements more ringing than that one. Although I’ve never suffered from a bad back, being blessed with the supple spine of a jungle primate, I rejoice in Mr Lazic’s deliverance from this aggravating affliction. It would have been all too easy for a man in his position to hire an oriental maiden to walk on his lumbar region. But such addictive remedies only provide temporary relief. It takes real faith to follow the advice of druids and make yourself the meat in a wood sandwich.
It also gladdens me to hear of a natural cure that doesn’t involve drinking a potion containing bats’ urine or some other obnoxious fluid. I’ll be sure to mention this to our local witch doctor the next time he concocts one of his medicinal brews.
If squeezing your body between two trees can heal you, could squeezing your body between a pair of topless women have the same effect? Before you accuse me of asking a fatuous and ignoble question, let me refer you to an incident on a golf course in America, where two 40-something women have been charged with public indecency. It is alleged that they went around hugging golfers with their chests exposed.
“The officers didn’t witness them golfing, they witnessed them pulling their shirts up,” said Mike Dixon, sheriff of Madison County.
Regrettably, few of the golfers appreciated being embraced in this way, perhaps believing it was a sly attempt to put them off their game. These facts notwithstanding, I would like to hear the ladies’ side of the story before rushing to judgment. It’s quite possible that they’d read about the Serbian healing trees and were trying to provide a similar form of therapy. One must be lenient to those who act with philanthropic intentions.
Whether the bosoms of these (or any other) women actually have healing powers is an open question. My suspicion is that even without proven medical benefits, the placebo effect would be very strong. After current legal issues are resolved, I would hope the prodigal pair go on a grand tour of America, offering their unique remedy to the sick and needy. Blessed are they who use their assets in a good cause.
Labels: back pain, bosom-hugging, natural cure, topless women, tree-hugging
