Monday, June 25, 2012

Tree surgery

Serbian druids have discovered an infallible cure for a variety of chronic ailments including back pain and nipple rash. The sufferer must squeeze his body between two trees, hugging one trunk while being goosed by the other. Not any old trees, I should hasten to add. The ones with healing powers are located in a sacred grove where magical substances are sucked up through the roots. This creates a mystical energy field which cleanses the body of its maladies and toxins.

A chap called Branko Lazic is one of hundreds of patients who have been cured in this way:

"I've had crippling back pain for years and the doctors couldn't do anything to help me,” he said. “But all I had to do was pass between these two trees and the pain faded away. It's a miracle."

You don’t get endorsements more ringing than that one. Although I’ve never suffered from a bad back, being blessed with the supple spine of a jungle primate, I rejoice in Mr Lazic’s deliverance from this aggravating affliction. It would have been all too easy for a man in his position to hire an oriental maiden to walk on his lumbar region. But such addictive remedies only provide temporary relief. It takes real faith to follow the advice of druids and make yourself the meat in a wood sandwich.

It also gladdens me to hear of a natural cure that doesn’t involve drinking a potion containing bats’ urine or some other obnoxious fluid. I’ll be sure to mention this to our local witch doctor the next time he concocts one of his medicinal brews.

If squeezing your body between two trees can heal you, could squeezing your body between a pair of topless women have the same effect? Before you accuse me of asking a fatuous and ignoble question, let me refer you to an incident on a golf course in America, where two 40-something women have been charged with public indecency. It is alleged that they went around hugging golfers with their chests exposed.

“The officers didn’t witness them golfing, they witnessed them pulling their shirts up,” said Mike Dixon, sheriff of Madison County.

Regrettably, few of the golfers appreciated being embraced in this way, perhaps believing it was a sly attempt to put them off their game. These facts notwithstanding, I would like to hear the ladies’ side of the story before rushing to judgment. It’s quite possible that they’d read about the Serbian healing trees and were trying to provide a similar form of therapy. One must be lenient to those who act with philanthropic intentions.

Whether the bosoms of these (or any other) women actually have healing powers is an open question. My suspicion is that even without proven medical benefits, the placebo effect would be very strong. After current legal issues are resolved, I would hope the prodigal pair go on a grand tour of America, offering their unique remedy to the sick and needy. Blessed are they who use their assets in a good cause.

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Makes you wonder what one needs to do to cure the actual tree... My cherry tree is poorly and I'm besides myself... Ah, may try and hug it better...Hx
I don't know why our stupid human scientists don't just study the backs of you primates to find out what you guys are doing right, and what we humans are doing wrong. For back pain is such a common ailment. And I can't imagine what got into the heads of these 2 bare boobed bimbos. If they were trying to get raped, a golf course is not the proper place for that kind of thing.
I bet Tiger W. has tried it...just sayin.
I would like sandwich therapy with Mark Wahlberg and Channing Tatum.
G.B....We humans are trying to figure it all out ...Do we walk upright or swing from trees and walk on all fours to the ground??
You primates get to stretch your lumbar spine out by hangig upside down.
Do gorillas do that?
mmmm, i don't know. i think i've heard that one before.

"have back pain, luv? come here and dry hump my tree. fix you right up."
Speaking as a lifelong golfer, I find it difficult to believe ANY golfers would scoff at a therapy clearly designed to, ahem, knock it stiff.

This kind of on course therapy would go over big here in the states. Unfortunately, I am of the opinion its just a, well - pipe dream.
The Serbian gentleman is quite correct, I have had not some little professional experience in the field. It was the field at the back of our house actually; I was naked-rambling there to cleanse my chakra and sat down for a rest on a mushroom ring. I had _the_ most psychedelic rash for weeks. Whenever I mooned out of the back window of the Bentley I could get the traffic to swap lanes (but only left to right for some reason).

p.s. Golfers deserve all that they get.
Suddenly golf has got infinitely more attractive as a sport.
Hannah: You do seem like a woman with healing powers, Hannah, but don't squeeze too tight. Rubbing off the bark wouldn't help it.

Jimmy: The back pain problem started with Homo Erectus, Jimmy. We apes are not erect, so our spines are different. I would guess those bimbos suffer from boob narcissism. Unfortunately, I don't know whether it's justified.

Reality Jayne: We prefer to hang from our arms, Jayne; there's not much point being upside down in the jungle unless you're doing yoga. Our spines are different because we're not descended from Homo Erectus.

Kage: How about working it into your act, Kage? It sounds a lot sexier than pole dancing.

Bagholder: Your name implies you're a caddy rather than a golfer, but I don't suppose those woman would care. If they'd be welcome at your golf course, I think you should get in touch with them. Their names are in the link.

The Owl Wood: That doesn't sound very therapeutic to me. Did it bring some kind of mental relief?

Steve: Balls, holes and tits. Have you got what it takes to focus on all three?
I still think its much easier to slather some cream on the rash affected nipple rather than to find these medicinal trees and walk in between them, GB.
I suffer from migraines and would very like much to stick my head between the melons of these two fine trees...
really? tree dancing sounds sexier than pole dancing?

actually, i guess for an ape that must be true. and then maybe we can see how can get to the top faster. race ya!
Hm, wood to help cure nipple ailments? I'm guessing others have attempted to combine the two, maybe not quite in this way.

PS Your commenters are a hilarious bunch. I always have fun reading their remarks.

The topless, bosom huggers look a little scary to me GB. However, I'm very intrigued with the mystical trees and would like to pass through them to see if I win the lottery.
Does Medicare cover this sort of "tree"-tment? And is it only back pain that this method cures. It doesn't cure, say, genital warts does it? Asking for a friend.
Jaya: But that's not a natural cure, Jaya. God knows what horrible chemicals they put in those creams.

SFM: The melons, Mr Monkey? I think you're trying to combine different treatments, which could be dangerous.

Kage: You think you can climb faster than an ape, Kage? How about the winner gets to bite the loser's butt?

Robyn: "Nipples get wood" is an expression that ought to be invented if it doesn't already exist. Glad to hear you read the comments, Robyn.

Juliette: I don't think it brings you good luck, Jules. Maybe wait until you get corns or some other ailment.

Fatman: You bet it cures genital warts, Fatman. It also cures premature ejaculation if you've got another friend with problems.
Perhaps the ladies in question should branch out and try squeezing their bodies between the trunks!
TFF and in my town this is a stunt used by ladies to get out of tickets when pulled over by the cops
"make yourself the meat in a wood sandwich.

I almost spit my drink out when I read that one.
Most excellent Mr.Bananas ..

I have to admit, I've done some strange things in my day (I'm into a Pagan lifestyle), but walking between two trees to help my back isn't one of them. Ah well, if he thinks it helps-good for him! :)

Time Warden: All that healing energy in one place might cause an explosion.

Gossip girl: I never realised the police were that easy to bribe. Are they satisfied with just looking?

Laura: I hope you'd give it go if the opportunity arose. What have you got to lose?
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