Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Self exposure

I saw a tourist smiling at his smart phone the other day, which he held out in front of him with his arm fully extended.

“Forgive me for asking, but what the devil are you doing?” I asked.

“Taking a picture of myself,” he replied. “Haven’t you heard of selfies?”

“I have now,” I said. “But wouldn’t you rather be taking pictures of the wildlife given that you are touring the African bush at considerable expense?”

“Ah, but I was!” he exclaimed. He then showed me the picture he had taken, which had captured me a few paces behind him, with a quizzical expression on my face.”

“I’m going to send it to my friends with the caption: ‘Show no fear when you are being stalked by a gorilla.’”

“I hope they will realise you are jesting,” I said. “I wouldn’t want to appear in anyone’s nightmares.”

“You’ve got as good a chance of appearing in their erotic dreams!” he said with a smirk.

“Pffft!” I exclaimed. “Such flattery.”

This incident prompted me to investigate the “selfie” phenomenon. It seems that humans are doing it all the time, so they can send their grinning self-portraits to anyone who will look at them. They are especially keen on taking selfies with persons of note, which might explain the incident with the tourist. It seems like harmless fun, but on some occasions it has led to unforeseen mishaps.

During my research, I came across a news report about a college student in Texas who drove her car into a police vehicle. When the policeman got out to question her, he found her fumbling frantically with her bra. She was then forced to confess that she had been taking a selfie of her bare breasts with the intention of sending the picture to her boyfriend. Miss Miranda Rader was arrested on suspicion of driving while intoxicated and released from jail next morning on a $2,000 bail bond.

Now Gorilla Bananas is no laggard on holding humans to account for reckless driving, but I can’t help feeling sorry for Miss Rader. Call me a soft-hearted ape, but I hate to see anyone chastised for trying to do a good deed. Furthermore, she took the picture while stopping at a red light, so she wasn’t wholly negligent on matters of road safety. I hope the court will accept that she was acting from the best of motives. It is far better for a young man to stare at pictures of his girlfriend’s jahoobies than waste time browsing addictive porn sites.

Miss Rader’s misfortune has nevertheless convinced me not to get involved in the “selfie” fad. You can’t concentrate on the issue at hand if you’re constantly taking pictures of yourself. I also have fears that my image might be used for immoral or indecent purposes if it fell into the wrong hands. Anyone who wants to photograph me should leave his calling card at the Brazzaville Wildlife Bureau. I’ll get back to you when I can.

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I don't own a cell phone, so no selfies of me anywhere!
I wonder whether she ever got the picture taken.
man, i'd love to have a girlfriend who gets drunk and sends me naughty pictures.

i'll sign your petition to absolve miss rader of all charges.
I remember when no one would even let you take their picture!

You wouldn't believe the dreams I have had of us! Meanwhile, you'd be shocked to see the things I have seen people doing behind the wheel whole driving to work. Everything from sting subs, shaving with an electric razor and women doing full make up. Is it any wonder I drink so much gin?
She wasn't punished because of the good deed. She was punished for being stupid. I don't even like the word 'selfie.' It's infantile. I wish I could uninvent social media. Turn back, world! Soon, it's going to be too late!
Anne Marie: You are one of a dying breed, Anne Marie. Most people have forgotten the pleasure of being incommunicado.

Nasreen: Nothing to stop her doing it later. One hopes the incident hasn't made her averse to such thoughtful gestures.

Mr Rosewater: We should start a collection too if she has legal bills.

Shoshanah: Yes, it's not something you want when you're having a bad hair day.

Mistress Maddie: The driverless car can't come too quickly, Mistress. Although I think a chauffeur would be more your style. :)

Exile: It may already be too late. Half of humanity lives in a virtual world with virtual friends. But I'm sure Miss Rader's breasts are real.
Miss Radar was let off much too easily. The selfie should be outlawed. If you are not important enough that you can find someone else to take your picture no one needs to know what you look like anyway.
And this is why I'm in Texas, Mr. Gorilla Bananas, to try and bring a bit of decorum back to this wild state and get these chicks back on horses and bulls in frilly petticoats.
What puzzles me, GB, is that she was taking pictures of her jahoobies for her boyfriend. This suggests that said boyfriend hadn't seen her jahoobies, or he'd prefer to see her jahoobies while she's driving into a police station drunk, or that he simply prefers to see them on a screen versus in person. She doesn't appear virginesque, so I think we can rule out the first two possibilities. What do you say?
PS oops, I meant police vehicle not station. =)
Makes me feel more empathy for Anthony Weiner.
Nawwwwwwwww. It doesn't.
Jimmy: I dunno, Jimmy, maybe she was too shy to let someone take a picture of her breasts. Is that something you would have done for her?

Jules: It's a pity you weren't on hand to advise her, Jules. Her behaviour seems more like English hen than Texas horse or bull.

Robyn: I can't fault your logic, Robyn. I suspect that looking at pictures of her jahoobies allows her boyfriend to imagine she's a porn actress. It gives her a higher status in his eyes.

Al: On the plus side, he didn't drive into a police car. On the minus said, he's a much bigger fool.
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