Wednesday, October 29, 2014

The invention of sex

Scientists have discovered that the first sexual act was performed 385 million years ago by a pair of fish. It makes perfect sense to me. Fish are slippery, wiggly creatures that congregate in vast shoals. They could easily have sex with each other by accident. Furthermore, the fish tail is sexy enough to make mermaids attractive to men. Wrestling with a thrashing tail fin isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but there are macho types who get turned on by such challenges. The danger to the gonads is part of the thrill.

The discovery of piscine coitus was made by an eminent biologist who examined an ancient fossil of the species Microbrachius dicki.

"The male has large bony claspers. These are the grooves that they use to transfer sperm into the female," explained Professor John Long of Flinders University.

Full marks to the professor for his keen-eyed observation, but couldn’t he have inferred the existence of a sexual appendage from the creature’s name? If the Romans went to the trouble of giving a fish a Latin appellation, it’s likely that they intended to provide an anatomical hint.

Another interesting point is that the dickies did it side-to-side rather than in the missionary position (or doggie-style):

"The very first act of copulation was done sideways, square-dance style," declared Professor Long.

That’s just how I’d want to do it if I were a fish. In an ocean full of sharks, you’ve got to keep on swimming rather than lying on your back and dreaming of Mr Pouty. Maybe they had orgies with ten or twenty fishes swimming alongside each other –  a wonder of Nature that would have curled the flippers of Jacques Cousteau.

However these ancient fish made love, I bet they were more dignified than Miss Daniele Watts. The B-list actress was recently arrested for pleasuring her boyfriend in a parked car. When the policeman turned up, she refused to show him her ID and accused him of picking on her because she was black. This couldn’t have been true because the officer was responding to a complaint. If she’d been smarter, she would have accused the person who snitched on her of racism. I should imagine he was a grand wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, whose nostrils twitched in fury as she straddled her white boyfriend.

What settles the issue for me is the fact that Miss Watts got her break in show business by appearing in a movie directed by Quentin Tarentino. We can therefore take it as read that one or more of her toes has been sucked by Tarentino. He would not give an unknown actress a part in one of his films unless she consented to his favourite perversion.

A woman whose toe has been sucked by Tarentino will have no sense of propriety. Having sex with her boyfriend in a public place would probably seem quite normal to her. If I were the judge, I would sentence her to a hundred hours of therapy with a pedicure specialist. We gorillas are merciful.

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I thought sex was invented by a mythological supernatural entity that created everything. Goes to show you what I know. Ms. Watts should get a pedicure from Mr. Tarantino, posthaste. Her corns are disgusting. Let the man nibble away. :)
Sex was invented by fish? This explains my first girlfriend's propensity for cod-orgasms.

P.S. cod is also an archaic word for scrotum.
I think that scientists sit in a room and make this stuff up just to see how gullible we all are. Religious people do the same thing. They probably share the same summer house and swap notes.

Where did you get that first photo? It's disgusting.

Your posts are quite good. Have I ever mentioned that?
Just think Gorilla...if someone would have been around to arrest those damn fish it could have avoided the next 385 million years of hanky panky, and Miss Watts would not be in this current mess.
I'm feeling sorry for the female fish who has sex with male shrimp. Swimming around naked day and night could support a situation in which sex happens all the time, but it's harder when you can't find the parts, GB. I mean, that's what a "friend" told me anyway. Wink.
i had a very insightful comment but that beautiful boob jam warrior princess below totally distracted me and made me lose my train of thought.
Fish sex? Toe sucking?? Odd thoughts. Guy must be crazy to suck toes no matter how recent or often they have been washed.
Static: How do you know what her corns are like? Only her chiropodist and a few close intimates know what they are like. And God, who knows everything.

Steve: Whatever kind of cod orgasms your girlfriend had, the fault was probably yours. You should have read the Kama Sutra instead of looking up archaic words for scrotum.

Exile: If it happened, it happened - you can't argue with science. I'm glad you liked the post, but I think you spent more time examining the pictures. Some would find the lower one more disgusting.

Jimmy: Patrol officer Sharktooth let them off with a warning. Are you familiar with Miss Watts, Jimmy? Maybe you ought to mention her in your blog.

Robyn: I hope you find a lobster, Robyn. With bulging eyes and big red pincers. ;)

Billy: That's the downside of allowing you to look at more than one post at a time. Don't you think her boobs are too big?

Rose: Some men have a thing for ladies' toes, Rose. Would nail polish ruin their taste?
Microbrachius dicki? You must be making this up! And as for copulating side by side, that will give a different slant to my next effort at the Gay Gordons!
Elementary, my dear Bananas. I talk to God.
How on Earth could they confidently say that the ridges found in those fossils point to the first sexual act being performed 385 million years ago? That seems like a wild guess at best.
Sex by accident? - fish can't do shots or drugs. Spontaneous sex by fish in that slippery mood.
Fish invented sex...hmm interesting. Toe, it's ok. lol
Though Quentin definitely seems a bit slippery, Steve Buscemi and the late Don Knox really have the fish eyes look down. Now that you mention it, I don't think I would've enjoyed "square dancing" with any of the above. Although there was something special about Charlie The Tuna!

Gary: Someone made it up, but it wasn't me. Is the Gay Gordons some kind of mating dance?

Static: In that case you should found your own religion. Make sure your disciples don't have smelly toes.

Michael: Probably because all the other sex fossils came after that time. It was the start of the rooting revolution.

Bill: Is that what it takes to have accidental sex? What about the law of unintended collisions?

Mary: Does that mean you've tried it, Mary? Not with Tarentino, I hope!

Julie: I don't think Charlie the Tuna is your type, Julie. He prefers being in a sandwich to square dancing. Steve Buscemi's best role was 'Mr Shush'.
Making love in a car, isn't all that fun and romantic as they show in the movies. I know this from experience-- there's never enough room & you're always left with a bruise either on your leg or arm.

However I did have a memorable time. :))

Happy Halloween, GB to you & your jungle buddies.
As a matter of fact, Mr. Bananas, I am founder and CEO of the Church of Sphincterology. It's not just for assholes anymore. We take anybody, so bring your friends. Within our shallow and degenerate religiousity you'll be delighted that we worship and pray to a giant ass-shaped cloud. It's free to join, but you can never leave. Please visit my wibsite at
Copulation side-by-side? No wonder dancing has been forbidden at some conservative religious colleges...
Microbrachius dicki... Something fishy is going on.
Cocaine Princess: I hope you never do in a car again, Miss Princess. You deserve a four poster bed!

Static: I couldn't enter a church that would make me feel like a suppository.

Ninja: I don't think humans have the right equipment for that feat, Ms Ninja.

Blue Grumpster: It's been going on for 350 million years.
Maybe she mistook piscine coitus for hot fish yoghurt but then...what do I know about anything.
But, Bananas, we are all peons in the grand scheme of things...or is that "poop-ons"? :)
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