Wednesday, October 29, 2014
The invention of sex
Scientists have discovered that the first sexual act was performed 385 million years ago by a pair of fish. It makes perfect sense to me. Fish are slippery, wiggly creatures that congregate in vast shoals. They could easily have sex with each other by accident. Furthermore, the fish tail is sexy enough to make mermaids attractive to men. Wrestling with a thrashing tail fin isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but there are macho types who get turned on by such challenges. The danger to the gonads is part of the thrill.
The discovery of piscine coitus was made by an eminent biologist who examined an ancient fossil of the species Microbrachius dicki.
"The male has large bony claspers. These are the grooves that they use to transfer sperm into the female," explained Professor John Long of Flinders University.
Full marks to the professor for his keen-eyed observation, but couldn’t he have inferred the existence of a sexual appendage from the creature’s name? If the Romans went to the trouble of giving a fish a Latin appellation, it’s likely that they intended to provide an anatomical hint.
Another interesting point is that the dickies did it side-to-side rather than in the missionary position (or doggie-style):
"The very first act of copulation was done sideways, square-dance style," declared Professor Long.
That’s just how I’d want to do it if I were a fish. In an ocean full of sharks, you’ve got to keep on swimming rather than lying on your back and dreaming of Mr Pouty. Maybe they had orgies with ten or twenty fishes swimming alongside each other – a wonder of Nature that would have curled the flippers of Jacques Cousteau.
However these ancient fish made love, I bet they were more dignified than Miss Daniele Watts. The B-list actress was recently arrested for pleasuring her boyfriend in a parked car. When the policeman turned up, she refused to show him her ID and accused him of picking on her because she was black. This couldn’t have been true because the officer was responding to a complaint. If she’d been smarter, she would have accused the person who snitched on her of racism. I should imagine he was a grand wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, whose nostrils twitched in fury as she straddled her white boyfriend.
What settles the issue for me is the fact that Miss Watts got her break in show business by appearing in a movie directed by Quentin Tarentino. We can therefore take it as read that one or more of her toes has been sucked by Tarentino. He would not give an unknown actress a part in one of his films unless she consented to his favourite perversion.
A woman whose toe has been sucked by Tarentino will have no sense of propriety. Having sex with her boyfriend in a public place would probably seem quite normal to her. If I were the judge, I would sentence her to a hundred hours of therapy with a pedicure specialist. We gorillas are merciful.
Labels: dogging, fish, mermaids, Quentin Tarentino, toe-sucking
