Wednesday, May 04, 2016
Head to toe
Rod Stewart’s wife has revealed that her husband used to lick her toes when they first started dating:
“In the beginning of the relationship, when you're having a go at all sorts of things, he did that sort of thing in between the toes, which feels nice,” explained Penny Lancaster.
Normally, I would disapprove of a trophy wife revealing such specific information about her sugar-daddy husband’s tongue activity. In this case, however, I think the disclosure will do no harm. In fact, it may even do some good. Those who thought that Mr Stewart was a selfish lover who cared only for his own pleasure must now revise their judgements. If he was generous enough to moisten a lady’s tootsies, he may not be the bimbo-chasing buffoon he once appeared to be.
It should also be noted that Ms Lancaster is a good six inches taller than her husband, so he must have travelled a long distance to get his tongue within range. Some might speculate that she raised her foot above his face, so he could nibble at her toes like a centaur eating grapes at an orgy. That would have been a difficult trick to pull off, even for an ape. Let’s give Rod credit for making the arduous journey due south.
When I mentioned this story to the manager of the safari camp, he was less than impressed with Rod’s tender tongue caresses:
“You mean he just licked them without sucking them?” he inquired. “She must have been a disappointed woman!”
“Are you implying that all women like to have their toes sucked?” I asked. “It’s not something I’ve read in Cosmopolitan or Marie Claire. Where are your data?”
“Take it from me, they do,” said the manager. “Those magazines don’t tell you everything and I bet you haven’t read all the back issues either.”
Toe-licking is not something we gorillas do, but I admit I was once the involuntary recipient of this peculiar intimacy. It happened during my days in the circus, when a clown with a foot fetish snuck up on me as I slept in my hammock. Unfortunately for the clown, reposing apes react reflexively to ticklish sensations, assuming them to be caused by blood-sucking insects. While shaking my leg to remove the presumed bug, I delivered a kick to the clown’s head that knocked him out cold. Fortunately, he was restored to good health with smelling salts and some minor dental work.
The most notorious toe-sucker of all is Quentin Tarentino. As I’ve already referred to his ghoulish habit in a previous post, I won’t ruin your breakfast by describing it again here. I remember someone saying there were a large number of close-ups of the female foot in his movies. Is this really true? I find it deplorable that a film director would put scenes in a movie purely to indulge his own private fetish. It’s high time Tarentino got grilled about such abuses of privilege by a committee of pedicurist film critics.
Labels: Quentin Tarentino, Rod Stewart, toe-licking, toe-sucking
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
The invention of sex
Scientists have discovered that the first sexual act was performed 385 million years ago by a pair of fish. It makes perfect sense to me. Fish are slippery, wiggly creatures that congregate in vast shoals. They could easily have sex with each other by accident. Furthermore, the fish tail is sexy enough to make mermaids attractive to men. Wrestling with a thrashing tail fin isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but there are macho types who get turned on by such challenges. The danger to the gonads is part of the thrill.
The discovery of piscine coitus was made by an eminent biologist who examined an ancient fossil of the species Microbrachius dicki.
"The male has large bony claspers. These are the grooves that they use to transfer sperm into the female," explained Professor John Long of Flinders University.
Full marks to the professor for his keen-eyed observation, but couldn’t he have inferred the existence of a sexual appendage from the creature’s name? If the Romans went to the trouble of giving a fish a Latin appellation, it’s likely that they intended to provide an anatomical hint.
Another interesting point is that the dickies did it side-to-side rather than in the missionary position (or doggie-style):
"The very first act of copulation was done sideways, square-dance style," declared Professor Long.
That’s just how I’d want to do it if I were a fish. In an ocean full of sharks, you’ve got to keep on swimming rather than lying on your back and dreaming of Mr Pouty. Maybe they had orgies with ten or twenty fishes swimming alongside each other – a wonder of Nature that would have curled the flippers of Jacques Cousteau.
However these ancient fish made love, I bet they were more dignified than Miss Daniele Watts. The B-list actress was recently arrested for pleasuring her boyfriend in a parked car. When the policeman turned up, she refused to show him her ID and accused him of picking on her because she was black. This couldn’t have been true because the officer was responding to a complaint. If she’d been smarter, she would have accused the person who snitched on her of racism. I should imagine he was a grand wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, whose nostrils twitched in fury as she straddled her white boyfriend.
What settles the issue for me is the fact that Miss Watts got her break in show business by appearing in a movie directed by Quentin Tarentino. We can therefore take it as read that one or more of her toes has been sucked by Tarentino. He would not give an unknown actress a part in one of his films unless she consented to his favourite perversion.
A woman whose toe has been sucked by Tarentino will have no sense of propriety. Having sex with her boyfriend in a public place would probably seem quite normal to her. If I were the judge, I would sentence her to a hundred hours of therapy with a pedicure specialist. We gorillas are merciful.
Labels: dogging, fish, mermaids, Quentin Tarentino, toe-sucking
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Tarentino is a sucker
A 23-year-old woman called Beejoli Shah is claiming that Quentin Tarentino sucked her toes during a sexual encounter at the movie maker's residence. Her story is entirely credible, of course. It would be surprising if a man of Tarentino's character did not engage in kinky and unsavoury fetishes. One has to wonder, nevertheless, why Miss Shah was so eager to confess her part in this ugly incident. Was she warning future "guests" about what to expect if they ventured into the lizard grotto that Tarentino uses for a bedroom? You couldn’t fault her for that.
She definitely exceeded her tattling rights, however, when she complained about the appearance of Tarentino's penis, describing it as "the chode of all chodes". Even prostitutes generally avoid such graphic language for fear of giving people nightmares. Someone should tell Miss Shah that Mother Nature did not create the male appendage for ornamental purposes. Its function is to do a job of work rather than bask in compliments from female admirers.
Incidentally, I have a theory that the practice of circumcision originated as an attempt to prettify the penis, so that Jewish maidens would not be horrified by what they saw on their wedding night. Although a nice girl doesn't look, she can't always control what pops in front of her eyes, especially if the man she marries throws all delicacy to the winds once the forbidden fruits of her fruitery are no longer forbidden.
Regrettably, Miss Shah's behaviour suggests that she is something other than a nice girl. What can one say about a young Asian woman who drops her knickers for a famous film director with indecent haste, and then shamelessly spills the beans to her friends? Nothing complimentary, that’s for sure. The fact that she is a graduate of Berkeley College compounds the disgrace. The University of California should create a new degree classification for floozies of her calibre called "summa cum-on-my-face".
One thing Miss Shah shouldn't have to worry about is getting sued. I doubt even Tarentino would expose himself in open court to pursue a claim for dick defamation – the risk of the jurors agreeing with the defendant would be too great. She is luckier, in this respect, than Miss Lisa Ostermann, who received a court summons after referring to a man as "the biggest asshole in the world" on her Facebook page. A complicating factor in the case was that the fellow she insulted happened to be her father.
No one likes to see a daughter call her father an anus, even if it happens to be true. That sort of epithet should be reserved for cads, bounders and gym trainers who make unflattering remarks about the shape of one's tush. I'm glad to say that Papa Ostermann dropped his lawsuit after the matter was resolved behind closed doors, presumably by persuading his daughter to eat an extra-large helping of humble pie. As my friend Lady Chuffington says, a family's dirty linen should be washed in private, possibly with the aid of a biological detergent.
Labels: chode, circumcision, Quentin Tarentino, toe-sucking
