Wednesday, February 15, 2017
Dogging episode
An incident of fornication in a public place has been reported in Somerset, a county in southern England. The unfortunate eyewitness was a 19-year-old mother of two, who gave the following description of the event:
“They were there for ten or 15 minutes,” said Ms Lara Shoemaker. “At first they just stopped underneath the bridge as it was really badly raining. Then they started kissing and then after a while he put his hands up her skirt and she put her hands down his trousers. You could see she was messing around. After that he lifted her leg up and then they started having sex. It’s very disrespectful. I have got two kids and if they were tall enough to see out of the window I’d have been really angry.”
Ms Shoemaker took pictures of the incident and posted them online, but I don’t think they’ll be helpful in identifying the culprits. The faces are not visible and the bodies are fully clothed, so they could have been anyone. I don’t blame her for being worried about what her children might have seen. As well as asking embarrassing questions, they might have copied the behaviour on display. The human infant will imitate anything that looks like a party game.
Should it be illegal for humans to have sex in public places? Criminalising such behaviour is an easy solution, but what if it just pushes couples into toilet cubicles? There is literally nowhere to run if you’re having a dump and you hear a lot of huffing and puffing next door. This is why many learned scholars oppose legal restrictions on outdoor humping. Curing such social ills, they say, requires soft touch policing combined with better public amenities. Allocate land for dedicated dogging zones where people can copulate in tents. Have a loudspeaker play ‘She’ll be Coming Round the Mountain’ to drown out lewd noises and encourage a speedy consummation. Provide free Batman and Batgirl masks, so people don’t have to worry about being photographed as they enter and leave the camp.
Speaking as one who’s watched countless baboons mate in the open air, I have a lot of sympathy for the social reform approach. If anyone tried to arrest baboons having sex, pandemonium would break out. The baboons would treat it as an act of unprovoked aggression and make war on the enforcer. Their ears would be deaf to legal or moral arguments. “If you don’t like the sight of it, look in another direction,” they would say.
I’m not saying humans are like baboons, of course. They have places to go to when they want to have sex. If they do it in public, it’s probably because they like being watched. Exhibitionists are brazen rogues who seek to shock and embarrass. The best way of making them change their ways is to laugh at them when they’re doing it, to give them a sense of shame. You’ll never have law and order if no one is ashamed of anything.
Labels: baboons, dogging, exhibitionism, shame
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
The invention of sex
Scientists have discovered that the first sexual act was performed 385 million years ago by a pair of fish. It makes perfect sense to me. Fish are slippery, wiggly creatures that congregate in vast shoals. They could easily have sex with each other by accident. Furthermore, the fish tail is sexy enough to make mermaids attractive to men. Wrestling with a thrashing tail fin isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but there are macho types who get turned on by such challenges. The danger to the gonads is part of the thrill.
The discovery of piscine coitus was made by an eminent biologist who examined an ancient fossil of the species Microbrachius dicki.
"The male has large bony claspers. These are the grooves that they use to transfer sperm into the female," explained Professor John Long of Flinders University.
Full marks to the professor for his keen-eyed observation, but couldn’t he have inferred the existence of a sexual appendage from the creature’s name? If the Romans went to the trouble of giving a fish a Latin appellation, it’s likely that they intended to provide an anatomical hint.
Another interesting point is that the dickies did it side-to-side rather than in the missionary position (or doggie-style):
"The very first act of copulation was done sideways, square-dance style," declared Professor Long.
That’s just how I’d want to do it if I were a fish. In an ocean full of sharks, you’ve got to keep on swimming rather than lying on your back and dreaming of Mr Pouty. Maybe they had orgies with ten or twenty fishes swimming alongside each other – a wonder of Nature that would have curled the flippers of Jacques Cousteau.
However these ancient fish made love, I bet they were more dignified than Miss Daniele Watts. The B-list actress was recently arrested for pleasuring her boyfriend in a parked car. When the policeman turned up, she refused to show him her ID and accused him of picking on her because she was black. This couldn’t have been true because the officer was responding to a complaint. If she’d been smarter, she would have accused the person who snitched on her of racism. I should imagine he was a grand wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, whose nostrils twitched in fury as she straddled her white boyfriend.
What settles the issue for me is the fact that Miss Watts got her break in show business by appearing in a movie directed by Quentin Tarentino. We can therefore take it as read that one or more of her toes has been sucked by Tarentino. He would not give an unknown actress a part in one of his films unless she consented to his favourite perversion.
A woman whose toe has been sucked by Tarentino will have no sense of propriety. Having sex with her boyfriend in a public place would probably seem quite normal to her. If I were the judge, I would sentence her to a hundred hours of therapy with a pedicure specialist. We gorillas are merciful.
Labels: dogging, fish, mermaids, Quentin Tarentino, toe-sucking
Monday, May 18, 2009
The Queen and I
When I tell American tourists that I used to live in England, they often ask me whether I ever met Queen Elizabeth II. Sadly we were never formally introduced, although our paths did once cross on the day of the Epsom Derby. On her way back home from the races, her car stopped alongside my car at the traffic lights. As our eyes met, I licked my thumbnail and rubbed it on my chin in a circular motion. The alpha females all know what it means, and Her Majesty gave me the biggest ear-to-ear grin you could ever wish to see on the face of a reigning monarch. I later received a jar of royal jelly from Buckingham Palace with a card signed “ERxxx”.
Yes, indeed, the Queen gazed into my soul and evidently liked what she saw. I think she sensed we were kindred spirits, both being expected to perform in public, albeit in very different ways. Her job was the harder by far. I never needed to worry about making a fool of myself because people always assumed it was part of my act. But the Queen had to be constantly in control of her emotions lest she was photographed making a silly face. That’s not easy given the number of people she meets, some of whom will inevitably scratch their crotch in her presence.
The latest attempt to embarrass England’s gracious monarch occurred when a couple were caught dogging on the lawn outside Windsor Castle. Apparently it was a spur-of-the-moment thing which they later much regretted. As the Queen was in residence, the royal security police had no option but to pounce on the pair while excited Japanese tourists clicked their cameras. Her Majesty, of course, remained impassive during the whole fracas. People sometimes forget that she is an accomplished horse breeder who has watched hot pumping stallions cover countless mares. For those who have witnessed such deeds, human coitus is a spectacle no more shocking than gerbils having a cuddle.
Much less impressive than Queen Elizabeth are her immediate family. The fogeyish Prince of Wales continues to denounce his pet hates in front of audiences who grin sheepishly at his fixations. One thing I know as a gorilla is that you should never complain about architecture. Human erections are part of the landscape and no more worthy of condemnation than the mountains and trees. One should especially avoid criticising tall buildings in case people think you have a penile complex. From the way Wally Prince Charlie goes on about these edifices you’d think they were giant dildos inserted half-way up his celestial butt-hole.
A lot of Americans seem envious of the British monarchy, but there’s nothing to stop them having their own titular sovereign. Mrs Obama is too tall for the job and the base of her neck looks inappropriately sturdy – a warrior princess perhaps, but a queen definitely not. Hilldog, on the other hand, is naturally regal in her demeanour and full of queenly qualities. Her only demerit is to have been repeatedly cuckolded without retaliating, which is not in the spirit of Catherine the Great. She won’t be worthy of her nation’s crown until she gets out of the hen coop and sows some royal oats. Assuming, of course, there is still a man bold enough to pin her to the bed.
Labels: dogging, Hilldog, Prince Charles, The Queen
