Monday, May 18, 2009

The Queen and I

When I tell American tourists that I used to live in England, they often ask me whether I ever met Queen Elizabeth II. Sadly we were never formally introduced, although our paths did once cross on the day of the Epsom Derby. On her way back home from the races, her car stopped alongside my car at the traffic lights. As our eyes met, I licked my thumbnail and rubbed it on my chin in a circular motion. The alpha females all know what it means, and Her Majesty gave me the biggest ear-to-ear grin you could ever wish to see on the face of a reigning monarch. I later received a jar of royal jelly from Buckingham Palace with a card signed “ERxxx”.

Yes, indeed, the Queen gazed into my soul and evidently liked what she saw. I think she sensed we were kindred spirits, both being expected to perform in public, albeit in very different ways. Her job was the harder by far. I never needed to worry about making a fool of myself because people always assumed it was part of my act. But the Queen had to be constantly in control of her emotions lest she was photographed making a silly face. That’s not easy given the number of people she meets, some of whom will inevitably scratch their crotch in her presence.

The latest attempt to embarrass England’s gracious monarch occurred when a couple were
caught dogging on the lawn outside Windsor Castle. Apparently it was a spur-of-the-moment thing which they later much regretted. As the Queen was in residence, the royal security police had no option but to pounce on the pair while excited Japanese tourists clicked their cameras. Her Majesty, of course, remained impassive during the whole fracas. People sometimes forget that she is an accomplished horse breeder who has watched hot pumping stallions cover countless mares. For those who have witnessed such deeds, human coitus is a spectacle no more shocking than gerbils having a cuddle.

Much less impressive than Queen Elizabeth are her immediate family. The fogeyish Prince of Wales continues to denounce his pet hates in front of audiences who grin sheepishly at his fixations. One thing I know as a gorilla is that you should never complain about architecture. Human erections are part of the landscape and no more worthy of condemnation than the mountains and trees. One should especially avoid criticising tall buildings in case people think you have a penile complex. From the way Wally Prince Charlie goes on about these edifices you’d think they were giant dildos inserted half-way up his celestial butt-hole.

A lot of Americans seem envious of the British monarchy, but there’s nothing to stop them having their own titular sovereign. Mrs Obama is too tall for the job and the base of her neck looks inappropriately sturdy – a warrior princess perhaps, but a queen definitely not. Hilldog, on the other hand, is naturally regal in her demeanour and full of queenly qualities. Her only demerit is to have been repeatedly cuckolded without retaliating, which is not in the spirit of Catherine the Great. She won’t be worthy of her nation’s crown until she gets out of the hen coop and sows some royal oats. Assuming, of course, there is still a man bold enough to pin her to the bed.

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Now that you've raised the subject, you should set up one of those poll thingies. You know, "have you done Hillary?"

(a) totally

(b) partially

(c) needed help

(d) [for the cads] don't know/can't remember

Correlating the results with your sitemeter readings would advance knowledge, definitely.
Dear gorilla bananas. I think we all know the answer to the question you asked. As for prince charlie, did you see the ad where he was talking to his new BFF frog? Weird.
I always avoid criticizing tall buildings because I have a very, very small penis and I don't want anyone to know....
Ah, once again Gorilla has enlightened...who knew the Prince had a celestial butt-hole?

But now that you've pointed it out, it somehow makes sense.

So glad you appreciate Her Maj. Having grown up with her - through thick and thin, man and boy, as it were - I can assure you she is a great gal. And she's older than me:)
I once knew somebody who claimed he'd snogged Princess Di (pre-Charles) at a party. He said it was alright but she wasn't his type, which I think is quite gentlemanly.
Inkspot: I would never allow such coarse bragging on this blog. What makes you think Hilldog has allowed any Tom, Dick or Harry to paw her?

Ms Moi: I haven't Ms Moi, but thanks for alerting me to his latest idiocy. I shall find out more about the ad.

Mutley: As you have now blurted it out in public, I don't see what you will achieve by your policy.

Topiary Cow: I may have been exaggerating, Ms Cow, but it is certainly very high.

Pi: I esteem both of you greatly.

Gadjo: Yes, I'm glad he didn't say it was like kissing the Duchess of Windsor.
Erm... sorry... but you're a Gorilla... and you were driving a car...????
I wondered about the car thıng too -- can you really drive? Plus, you write awfully well for a gorilla. You write awfully well for a human, come to that.
Tricky Dicky would have been man enough for Madame Clinton
I'm convinced that the Queen is half Vulcan. I've only ever seen her lose her cool when Berlusconi was being a twat and shouting at Obama, but that would even make a statue cringe.

Good on her, you never hear her complaining about tall erections, what a minx.
Scandalous! Henry VIII would never have stood for it. Commoners doing that sort of thing on his property. I hope they were suitably truncated in keeping with their offence!
The Queens had it hard. I mean her kids haven't ammounted to much have they?
Mrs. Clinton appears to be more butch than queenly.
I'm sure the Queen was thrilled that young people were enjoying themselves on her lawn - do we have a quote from her on the subject?
I have to agree with Sidhu up there...Hilldog really does look more butch. There might never have been any Tom, Dick or Harry but more likely Jane, Sue and Sally's who have pawed her :P
Dear GB,

What about the King of UK? That guy is totally overshadowed by The Queen!

I am curious!

Have you ever considered a position in the FO, GB? If your circular motion had that effect on ER imagine what you could achieve for international relations.
Scarlet: You silly girl, Miss Scarlet! I had a chauffeur too!

Mary: Thank you, Mary. I've driven the odd safari bus, but it's not something I make a habit of.

Nursemyra: But he was faithful to Pat, Nursie! I don't think he cheated on her once.

Rachel: How about Queenie and Spock on a date, Rach? Do you think she'd let him do the mind-meld after a couple of drinks?

Mrs Cake: I don't know what happened to them, Mrs Cake, but I suspect it was far too lenient. I'm sure you and Ruf would never be tempted defile Her Majesty's lawn.

Emerson: Randy Andy was the best of them, I think. I hope you get to meet her, I think she'd like you.

Sidhu: I've seen butcher ladies than Hilldog!

Lulu: Nope. Just a poker face and a dignified silence. Mind you, it wouldn't have been the worst thing if they were a good-looking couple.

Sabrina: I don't think she's butch at all, Saby, but I'd still like to see her paw you!

Nothingman: Fortunately there is no such person. The Queen's husband is merely an arse.

Kate: That's a kind suggestion, Kate, but I belong to the gorilla nation. Perhaps we should have an embassy in Regents Park.
Haha, imagine the offspring! I think she'd let him, perhaps even the nerve pinch too. ;)
good god. Hilldog "queenly", i never.
...and as you quite correctly point out, Queenie's had plenty of experience watching studs at work..
Of course Catherine the Great mixed monarchy with horse-breeding in an entirely novel way.

Not sure Queen Liz would maintain quite the stern expression should she try it.
I'm a bit disappointed. I thought the link would surely take me to photos of the couple dogging on the lawn.

And everyone knows you find an alcove inside the castle for your tryst. The lawn. How gauche.
The hell Her Majesty was in another part of the palace. Shouldn't she, as ruling monarch, be taking constantly the pulse of the nation? I'd like to think she would have seen the act occurring, turn to that consort-guy she has and grin the famous Elizabeth the Second grin: "Say, Phillip, the people's mood is definitely on the upswing. Let's celebrate."

Phillip, who just loves tall buildings, would have returned the grin.
I have always loved the Queen. And as I now love you too it only makes sense to me that the two of you should start hanging out together. I am sure she would love it. After all you are so much more clever and smarter then that Phillip. He's such a drag. I can see you both now, swinging from tree to tree sipping Banana Daiquiris!
Rachel: I'd like to be Spock's fingers in my next life!

Sarah: Are you saying you didn't support her bid for president, Sarah?

Lulu: Are you talking about horses, Lulu? They're probably the only studs she knows.

Red Squirrel: That story about Catherine the Great is pure fiction. Have you seen the size of a stallion?

Hoodchick: I think they wanted people to see them. It's supposed to be part of the turn-on for doggers.

Perineum: That's the official story, but I bet she raced to the window like everyone else. Prince Philip should not be involved in matters of State.

Beverley: Thanks, Beverley, I love you too. I think the Queen and I were like two ships sailing past each other in the English Channel. We sounded our horns, but that was all.
Perineum ? What an awful pseudonym.
Although, in saying that I often go by the name Cremaster, (look it up) particularly in gambling circles.

Mr Ape, your droll, no nonsense approach is needed these days, and I implore you, if you have a certain pull with those in authority in the UK, to pull/push for a Royal intercession into the parliamentary crisis.

I would imagine ER has recovered from seeing copulating couples on the lawn, and she really should justify her modest allowance and step in to the political ring. (My blog adds a little more.)
"I licked my thumbnail and rubbed it on my chin in a circular motion. The alpha females all know what it means"I'm not an alpha female ... what does it mean?
"Several Japanese tourists filmed the couple for up to twenty minutes before seeing them arrested by armed Royal Protection Squad officers.

The couple, who were described by police as "respectable people with respectable jobs", were said to be "mortified" by their actions."

"They even ignored the Please Keep Off The Grass signs"

lol - The bastards!
I wonder if Hills snarles like a tiger or snuffles and snorts like a truffling pig Mr B , I fancy the latter
It would take a lot to shock the Queen. She must have walked in on the footmen more than once.
The queen and I have only shared one thing: our annus horribilus (1992). Well, that and people screwing on our lawns.

P.S. I would love to watch you rub your thumbnail on your chin, whether I knew what it meant or not.
Aww, why didn't that happen when I was there visiting? Hell of a story it would've made.
Ayrdale: The Duchess of York is a fan of mine, but I'm not sure that gives me any influence in higher circles. Perhaps British MPs should spend some time in the jungle to learn about living simply.

Kitty: I'm not an alpha female either, Kitty, and they've never told me!

Deborah: They were maddened by lust, Deb. It might happen to you when you're older. I don't think you've quite reached your prime.

The Jules: Yes, they should have lain on a blanket. That would have shown more respect.

Beast: Don't say such things about Hilldog, Beast. Such language should be reserved for Lady Camilla.

Lady Daphne: I bet she ignored them as you would have done, milady.

Ana: I'm sorry to hear that, Ana, I hope things have been on a steady upward path since then. I would love to rub my chin for you, but we would have to be making eye-contact for the full impact.

Ms Ari: Bad luck! Maybe it should be a regular event for tourists, like the changing of the guard.
Ayrdale: "an awful pseudonym"???

Zounds! I take umbrage. It's not my real name, you know.

Well, it is, but only in the Eastern Mediterranean and only after the fifth century A.D.

I mean, really...
I imagine it's a bit simpler trying to work out who's king of the jungle, eh Gorilla?

Shame how Prince William seems to be looking more and more like his old man than his poor dead mum.

It'll be his mug all over our money soon.
You should worry about what the neo-Saxons will do when another King William is crowned, given that the first one properly buggered them.
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