Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Sexiest woman on the planet
The pop singer Shakira has announced that her fellow pop singer Rihanna is “the sexiest woman on the planet”. She formulated this opinion after spending time with Rihanna on a musical collaboration, which she described as “utopia”. Unfortunately, she made no mention of any Sapphic encounter that would have boosted the credibility of her claim. My suspicion is that Shakira is a bi-curious woman who lacks the nerve to do any serious carpet-munching. Shame on her for being such a poseur and fraud.
According to the Roman church, the sexiest woman alive is a she-devil, although she’s not technically “on the planet” until she gets sent up from Hell. Her mission on Earth is to obtain the soul of an arrogant man – typically some old codger of a professor who hasn’t got laid for the past 20 years. Wrongly believing that his brain is too big for any woman to give him the horn, he invites the succubus into his study and listens to her talk dirty in iambic pentameter. This gives him the shakes and causes him to pant heavily. Pretty soon, he is pricking his forearm with a quill and signing his name in blood on a parchment, giving his soul to the Devil in return for unlimited nuzzling rights.
The Catholic Church, however, cannot be trusted on such matters. It has a vested interest in making people believe that sex is satanic, so they confess all their sins to a masturbating priest. I have never met a she-devil (other than in my dreams), but I doubt they’re particularly sexy, what with the lack of cosmetics and bathing facilities in Hell. How would they wash their hair? Would they even have hair when it’s constantly getting singed? These are the questions that the church wants to sweep under the carpet.
A more reliable source of information about the Devil and his minions is the modern Satanist movement. The New York Satanic Temple has recently unveiled the design of a statue of Satan it wants to place outside the Oklahoma state capitol building. They envisage a seven-foot effigy of their cloven-hoofed Lord sitting on a throne:
“The statue will serve as a beacon calling for compassion and empathy among all living creatures,” said temple spokesman Lucien Greaves. “It will also have a functional purpose as a chair where people of all ages may sit on the lap of Satan for inspiration and contemplation.”
They make it sound quite appealing, but I have a couple of queries. The first issue is plagiarism. Isn’t their proposed statue a rip-off of the one in the Lincoln Memorial? No one’s going to hold Satan in awe if he reminds them of Abraham Lincoln, whom not even Colonel Sanders and the good ol’ boys thought was a good role model for the Prince of Darkness. The other puzzling point is why Satanists in New York want to erect a statue in Oklahoma, a cowboy state full of possums and raccoons. There must be better places for it than that.
Labels: Colonel Sanders, Rihanna, Sapphic, Satanism, Shakira
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Satanists are robbed!
A couple from Colorado have made themselves excellent candidates for the Pussy of the Year award. After someone stole their “Vote Satan” sign, they reported the theft to the police and complained about being victims of a hate crime:
“I feel like we're being treated unfairly because it's not a so-called mainstream religion," whined Luigi Bellaviste, a paid-up member of the Church of Satan.
Come off it, people! You believe in the Prince of Darkness, the guy who got kicked out of Heaven for telling God to lick his scrotum. Followers of the Devil don’t whimper about hate crimes when someone steals their sign: they use black magic to hunt down the thief! After dragging him to their pagan grotto, they put on goat costumes and terrify him with demonic chants. Then they ritually sacrifice him with a razor sharp parsnip and use his blood to varnish their bony relics. No one will ever respect your religion if you can’t bring the vengeance of Hell to a petty crook. Even the Hare Krishnas will start pushing you around.
I’m glad to say the police are treating the incident as common theft rather than religious persecution:
“There’s no evidence that the perpetrator had issues with Satan or those who subscribe to his teachings,” said Lieutenant Chuck Mephisto of the Mountain View Police Department. “He may be planning to sell the sign to other Satanists, so members of that community should report any offers they get from suspicious characters.”
Amen to that.
As a gorilla, I often find humans asking me questions about my religious beliefs. I usually tell them to mind their own business. Only if they gaze at me with sincere and childlike eyes do I instruct them in the rudiments of ape yoga, jungle meditation and the holy utterances of Old Melonhead the Wise. I never try to convert them, though. Humans must find their own spiritual pathway, and trudge along it with stoic fortitude, rather than attempting to ride piggyback on their hairy cousins.
As a matter of fact, we gorillas disapprove of most human religions, because they involve the dangerously unsound practice of worship. Let’s face it: anyone who gets worshipped by a lot of cringing humans is going to become big-headed and arrogant. If won’t be long before he starts demanding sacrifices and issuing commandments and making other unreasonable requests.
I had direct experience of this problem during my time in the circus, when I received a lot of hero-worship from my adoring fans. Fortunately, I managed to curb my megalomaniac impulses by hiring a small monkey to sit on my shoulder and whisper “remember you are mortal” into my ear. Occasionally, I had to spank him for saying “remember you are purple”, which was far from the case.
The downside of my humility was that my fans thought they could steal my possessions without being punished for their effrontery and sacrilege. I am proud to say that I never called the police when they did so. That didn’t stop me from collaring the worst offenders and making them curse their mothers.
Labels: Pussy of the Year, religious persecution, Satanism, worship
