Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Satanists are robbed!

A couple from Colorado have made themselves excellent candidates for the Pussy of the Year award. After someone stole their “Vote Satan” sign, they reported the theft to the police and complained about being victims of a hate crime:

“I feel like we're being treated unfairly because it's not a so-called mainstream religion," whined Luigi Bellaviste, a paid-up member of the Church of Satan.

Come off it, people! You believe in the Prince of Darkness, the guy who got kicked out of Heaven for telling God to lick his scrotum. Followers of the Devil don’t whimper about hate crimes when someone steals their sign: they use black magic to hunt down the thief! After dragging him to their pagan grotto, they put on goat costumes and terrify him with demonic chants. Then they ritually sacrifice him with a razor sharp parsnip and use his blood to varnish their bony relics. No one will ever respect your religion if you can’t bring the vengeance of Hell to a petty crook. Even the Hare Krishnas will start pushing you around.

I’m glad to say the police are treating the incident as common theft rather than religious persecution:

“There’s no evidence that the perpetrator had issues with Satan or those who subscribe to his teachings,” said Lieutenant Chuck Mephisto of the Mountain View Police Department. “He may be planning to sell the sign to other Satanists, so members of that community should report any offers they get from suspicious characters.”

Amen to that.

As a gorilla, I often find humans asking me questions about my religious beliefs. I usually tell them to mind their own business. Only if they gaze at me with sincere and childlike eyes do I instruct them in the rudiments of ape yoga, jungle meditation and the holy utterances of Old Melonhead the Wise. I never try to convert them, though. Humans must find their own spiritual pathway, and trudge along it with stoic fortitude, rather than attempting to ride piggyback on their hairy cousins.

As a matter of fact, we gorillas disapprove of most human religions, because they involve the dangerously unsound practice of worship. Let’s face it: anyone who gets worshipped by a lot of cringing humans is going to become big-headed and arrogant. If won’t be long before he starts demanding sacrifices and issuing commandments and making other unreasonable requests.

I had direct experience of this problem during my time in the circus, when I received a lot of hero-worship from my adoring fans. Fortunately, I managed to curb my megalomaniac impulses by hiring a small monkey to sit on my shoulder and whisper “remember you are mortal” into my ear. Occasionally, I had to spank him for saying “remember you are purple”, which was far from the case.

The downside of my humility was that my fans thought they could steal my possessions without being punished for their effrontery and sacrilege. I am proud to say that I never called the police when they did so. That didn’t stop me from collaring the worst offenders and making them curse their mothers. 

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Maybe my son stole it.
I bet some Christian fundamentalist stole it. They'll no doubt return it once they've wiped their arse on it, feeling smug that they have guaranteed themselves entry into Heaven. Once they've repented for their act of theft, of course.
I agree, really call the police? No casting a circle and chants. Candles and spells...I'm disapointed, I think I may have to cancel my subscription to satan weekly :)
Saying Vote for Satan, would break the American barrier between government and religion.. does not compute.
This is my first visit here. I agree with you...seriously? Reporting the theft of a Vote Satan sign? And also, I don't know much about American politics, but is Satan an independent?
If I were Lieutenant B. Elzelbub of the Police Department I would type up a report citing reliable eye-witnesses seeing the vast hand of a huge white-bearded gentleman coming down from the sky, looking around sheepishly and then nicking the sign. Case closed and none of the Sky Fairy folk could seriously question or complain... surely...
Who is this God person, anyway? Not wishing to speak ill of the dead, I believe Michael Jackson developed delusions of such grandeur, until Jarvis Cocker exposed his bottom to him in protest, during a performance at The Brit Awards, and was promptly arrested for such bare-faced cheek!
Crazy Mama: At least he'd treat it with respect if he had.

Steve: Fundamentalism and wiping one's arse are liguistically related, so they'd be acting in character. But wouldn't they melt it down rather than return it?

Monkey Man: I think you should write a letter to Satan Weekly rather than cancel your subscription. Hopefully it would spur the sissies into action.

Jimmy: Now that's an interesting point. Could Satan run for elected office in the US? Not for president, because he was born before the USA existed. But maybe he could get his son to run for president as in The Omen II.

Stephanie: Hello and welcome, Stephanie. Satan would have his own political party, but I'm guessing he'd allow independents to vote in the primaries.

The Owl Wood: Far from complaining, I'm sure they would rejoice at the divine intervention. It's the Satanists who would be hopping mad that the lieutenant did nothing to prevent the crime. Bound to end in a lawsuit.

Time Warden: Jarvis Cocker exposed his bottom? I hope no one misinterpreted the gesture as an invitation. I fear that mooning at the heavens is no longer recognised as the defiant act it once was.
PUSSY OF THE YEAR. Does that come with a gold statue or cash award?

Nice that they decorated the sign with the stars and bars. It's those small touches that make it special.

Hey! I known Old Melonhead! That guy still owes me $5 bucks. Do you know where I can find him?

Why didn't you just hold onto your possessions with those big, beefy hands of yours. Oh...wait...Are those feet? I can't tell.
Ah, typical, religious madness. Attention seeking ‘God believers’ favouring the ‘other’ guy… They’re obviously recruiting new ‘victims’ into their ‘church’ :)x
my buddy, mahmoud ahmadinejad, says the great satan has already been elected.
One of the best posts--ever. I am laughing so hard. You ARE epic!

I especially love this line: "Followers of the Devil don’t whimper about hate crimes when someone steals their sign: they use black magic to hunt down the thief!"
I do hope Mr. Cheney are holding up well, despite having his sign stolen and all.
Mr UB: I don't know what the prize for Pussy of the Year is. Some kind of merkin perhaps? I can sense that your flippant remarks mask a deep hunger for ape spirituality. Maybe I'll teach you a few yoga positions to get you started.

Hannah: It's high time God and Satan patched up their feud. All this futile sign-stealing needs to end before someone's feelings get hurt.

Billy: Do you think his agents might have stolen the sign? They could produce it as evidence in the UN General Assembly.

Elisa: Hello and welcome, Elisa. I'm very glad you enjoyed that sentence. I must have edited it 17 times.

Al: You mean the former vice president is supporting a 3rd party candidate against the Republican nominee? He's a bigger fool than I thought.
It's a stupid, scary world, GB. Why would anyone want to further confuse the conservative voter with another candidate?

Why would anyone care if you wanted to vote for Santa?
I think Satan himself removed it, probably thoroughly embarrassed at having such wet lettuces as faithful servants.
Congo? You are just up the road from me.

Sadly, I'm not an alpha male, my mate Marcia thrashes me with undergrowth every time I go near hers (or any other female's now that I think about it) and now that she has learnt to use tools, especially my drop forged Sabatier kitchen knives, that makes her very dangerous.

So I shall continue to follow your entertaining blog for all its insight and any survival tips I may pick up.
I couldn't agree more! If they can't conjure a feisty demon to handle their issue for them they have no business owning that damn sign in the first place.

The police have far more important things to do... except in Mountain View, CO, with a population of 509. Of course maybe there was a rash of people using the public posting boxes in town for non-official notices of lost pets and therefore must be dealt with swiftly and severely!
I bet it's hanging in some kid's dorm room right now.
you're right. satanists should be scarier people. like you take their sign, they tie you up and slaughter a goat on your living room carpet.
"No one will ever respect your religion if you can’t bring the vengeance of Hell to a petty crook."
Yeah, I take your point Ape. We need more of an old testament approach.
Robyn: Sowing confusion is what Satan does, Robyn. I'm sure he has policies to sucker in the liberal voter too.

Tennyson: Could Santa be Satan in disguise? Giving people presents on Christmas Day might be a diversionary tactic.

Juliette: Very possibly, Jules, although I think he would have sent one of his cloven-hoofed minions to nick it.

Hippo: Your mistress seems to have a lot of pent-up anger. Maybe you need to buy her a punch bag.

Angie: You seem to know the the place well, Angie. Do people keep a lot of pets there? Maybe a monkey stole the sign.

SAW: Could be. Satan is a cool dude for many adolescents.

Dr Ken: I hope they'd take care of cleaning bill; there's no excuse for ruining a good carpet.

Angry Jesus: I was taking to the Satanists, Mr Jesus. Let's not get our religions confused here.
My ex wife had a lot of pent up anger too which a sympathetic (female) divorce court judge alleviated somewhat, much to my cost.

For this reason, I cannot afford a punch bag but it's OK, I usually heal pretty quickly...
I agree and this sounds about as funny as the guy who sued Satan due to Satan causing misery and unwarranted threats, against the will of plaintiff, that Satan has placed deliberate obstacles in his path and has caused plaintiff's downfall" and had therefore "deprived him of his constitutional rights". Anyway it was dismissed because the US Marshall couldn't find a correct address to serve Satan his summons for court. :)

At least God has established representation here on earth. Maybe someone should file against the Satanists.

Going back to the film, I really enjoyed it.
OOh ooooh ooh is this monkey for hire???? I could use someone telling me that my plan to take over the world will one day become a reality!

I certainly wouldn't mind people worshiping me if part (a LARGE part, mind you) of the worship involved feeding me food! :)))))
hmm. it's just a banner, couldnt they have printed a few of it, GB ?
i think its important to be spiritual, not religious really. thats why sometimes i wish i had met chirst or muhammad before i met the christians or muslims.
"Angry Jesus: I was taking to the Satanists, Mr Jesus. Let's not get our religions confused here."
Lucifer started it, not us. We didn't exactly tell him to go all bad.
Hippo: Your ex-wife too? A casual observer might think you were attracted to angry women! I'm glad you've learnt how to soak up the punishment.

Gossip girl: It's a pity it didn't go further. I would have liked to hear the judge's view on whether Satan had immunity because he had only been doing his job.

Sabrina: I'm sure a lot people already worship you, Saby. Maybe they'd rather squeeze your butt than give you food!

Jaya: I think they were more upset about the supposed disrespect to their religion than the cost of getting a new sign, Jaya. Would you like to meet Satan before meeting a Satanist?

Angry Jesus: I wonder whether God was jealous of Lucifer's good looks.
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