Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Sexiest woman on the planet

The pop singer Shakira has announced that her fellow pop singer Rihanna is “the sexiest woman on the planet”. She formulated this opinion after spending time with Rihanna on a musical collaboration, which she described as “utopia”. Unfortunately, she made no mention of any Sapphic encounter that would have boosted the credibility of her claim. My suspicion is that Shakira is a bi-curious woman who lacks the nerve to do any serious carpet-munching. Shame on her for being such a poseur and fraud.

According to the Roman church, the sexiest woman alive is a she-devil, although she’s not technically “on the planet” until she gets sent up from Hell. Her mission on Earth is to obtain the soul of an arrogant man – typically some old codger of a professor who hasn’t got laid for the past 20 years. Wrongly believing that his brain is too big for any woman to give him the horn, he invites the succubus into his study and listens to her talk dirty in iambic pentameter. This gives him the shakes and causes him to pant heavily. Pretty soon, he is pricking his forearm with a quill and signing his name in blood on a parchment, giving his soul to the Devil in return for unlimited nuzzling rights.

The Catholic Church, however, cannot be trusted on such matters. It has a vested interest in making people believe that sex is satanic, so they confess all their sins to a masturbating priest. I have never met a she-devil (other than in my dreams), but I doubt they’re particularly sexy, what with the lack of cosmetics and bathing facilities in Hell. How would they wash their hair? Would they even have hair when it’s constantly getting singed? These are the questions that the church wants to sweep under the carpet.

A more reliable source of information about the Devil and his minions is the modern Satanist movement. The New York Satanic Temple has recently unveiled the design of a statue of Satan it wants to place outside the Oklahoma state capitol building. They envisage a seven-foot effigy of their cloven-hoofed Lord sitting on a throne:

“The statue will serve as a beacon calling for compassion and empathy among all living creatures,” said temple spokesman Lucien Greaves. “It will also have a functional purpose as a chair where people of all ages may sit on the lap of Satan for inspiration and contemplation.”

They make it sound quite appealing, but I have a couple of queries. The first issue is plagiarism. Isn’t their proposed statue a rip-off of the one in the Lincoln Memorial? No one’s going to hold Satan in awe if he reminds them of Abraham Lincoln, whom not even Colonel Sanders and the good ol’ boys thought was a good role model for the Prince of Darkness. The other puzzling point is why Satanists in New York want to erect a statue in Oklahoma, a cowboy state full of possums and raccoons. There must be better places for it than that.

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Her mission on Earth is to obtain the soul of an arrogant man...

As long as this she-demon would remove these arrogant dicks from the planet she has my support. I would only ask that she precede directly to Washington DC, it would be quite the buffet.
I wanna tell ya...a woman talking dirty in iambic pentameter would give me shakes and cause me to pant heavily too. But then I am an old codger so I guess it should.

I believe Oklahoma is pretty big on worship. They have reason to be...there's Oral Roberts University...or was, maybe still is, there were the dust storms and tornadoes and now you tell me they also have possums and raccoons. Oh, they definitely need something to worship.
Some of my most memorable days were spent in the company of a she-devil, but don't tell my wife...
Rhianna is so troubled that I find Satan sexier. He's got that bad-boy edge. Shame he's stuck in Oklahoma.

I'm confused by the Oklahoma connection. Does Satan have a thing about Shirley Jones?
Excuse me Gorilla, I went to Catholic school for 12 years and this "She-Devil" character was never mentioned. Either they are keeping the she-devil a secret, or I need to ask for my tuition money back. Ya know, Oklahoma is a pretty conservative state. I don't think they will take kindly to Satanists building statues of Satan. Sounds like there is a certain Satanic church which is going to get a good egging, and a certain statue of Satan in for a good toilet papering.
Aren't those lady pop singers usually at each other's throats? What's with the kind words? I hope this isn't a trend. And what makes you think Shakira is bi? What's your suspicion based on?

Why do you suppose the church is so afraid of sex? I've asked myself that question for years and can't come up with a satisfactory answer. All that obsession with virginity and whatnot. It's not healthy.
Beach Bum: I'm not sure America should be first in line for her services - other places seem to have a more urgent need for them.

David: I thought 'Oral Roberts' was a joke until I looked it up. How did a devout Christian get such a nickname I wonder? It would have been embarrassing if his wife had said "Hey, hon, are you ever gonna live up to your name". I have an honest question on a slightly related topic: Have you ever seen a snake handler?

Herman Turnip: Your secret is safe with me! Did she bite? I'm talking about the she-devil, not your wife.

Robyn: Yes, poor girl. Perhaps Satan would be good lover for her. He'd scare her ex-boyfriends away for one thing.

Steve: Everyone should have a thing about Shirley Jones. And because of the Partridge family as much as Oklahoma.

Jimmy: They must have been protecting you from the darker side of life, Jimmy. Or maybe they thought you'd be tempted to call up a she-devil for your own research. The Satanists want the Oklahomans to sit in the statue's lap, so maybe they're re-branding Satan as a kindly dude. Do you think anyone would be tempted to sit in his lap?

Exile: I think Shakira is bi-curious rather than bisexual and the evidence is there for all to behold. How many women are not bi-curious? The Church associates sex with the Devil, who is admittedly a pretty horny guy.
nice looking statue. nothing like that grisly thing the catholics have of a man nailed to a cross.
If by sexiest, Shakira means sluttiest, I can agree with that.
personal hygiene details are always being swept under something. Unless they can sell more soap/conditioner/deodorant they don't really care about your personal hygiene. However, a she-devil line of personal hygiene products might sell well.
I've certainly seen snake handlers on local TV but not in person. Actually I don't think I would hang around very long if I did. Either me or the snake would have to go.
I think that statue is goatist
I am sure anyone would be willing to sit in Satan's lap,... as long as it would impress chicks. Why else do you think guys waste their time learning to play guitar and starting Heavy Metal bands?
This was all over the place and hilarious.
Billy: It's not too bad, but I don't know what the two-fingered gesture means. Is he threatening to pick someone's nose?

Ruth: Ooh, bitchy! I won't defend Rihanna because I don't know enough about her sex life!

Bill: They'd sell well in Hell, given how hot and sweaty the furies must get. If I were Satan I'd provide them free as a benefit in kind.

David: Local TV, eh? What a fascinating part of America you live in. Are you sure you haven't met one of those dudes by chance?

Nota Bene: He looks like a cross between a dog and a bull to me. But it's quite possible that a goat might take offence on seeing it.

Jimmy: Those heavy metal dudes do like to appear badass and satanic, which must impress some chicks, but wouldn't sitting on Satan's lap suggest that you're his bitch? I'm not sure how chicks would react to such a sight.

Aussa: Thank you, Aussa. Your comment was succinct and very focused!
I saw "Sexiest Woman on the Planet" and thought this had to be about Mrs. Penwasser.
I'm supposed to say things like that, right?
“The statue [of Satan] will serve as a beacon calling for compassion and empathy among all living creatures,...”
Maybe I was asleep in Bible class, but I didn't think the Devil was all that into compassion and empathy. Of course, I DID go to Catholic school. Those nuns could get downright cranky sometimes.
Even so...whatever.
That goat lord looks like he's ordering up a lesbian lap dance with two pop divas. Goat lords have power like that.
Of course I've probably met one and didn't know it. That would have been back during the time I would sometimes get roped into going to a flea market or to see a fortune teller. Speaking of that, there used to be one in Double Springs that claimed to have been born with a double veil over her head!

Really, I thought a sack would be more appropriate.
Al: The Bible's view of Satan is less than fair and impartial. I quoted the Satanist spokesman to give the other side of the story.

Dr Ken: They're supposed to be children, Dr Ken! I wish they were lesbians, though, it would give the piece something extra.

David: I never knew there were female snake handlers outside of the adult entertainment industry. Did anyone mention your idea of getting her into the sack?

This woman was not a snake handler. She was supposedly a clairvoyant. And the sack? Well that was to go over her head so you wouldn't have to look at her.

There most certainly are women snake handlers though. What they do at those services is pass the snake around from person to person in congregation. I think if you refuse to take the snake it is an indication of lack of faith. IMHO, it is an indication of good judgment.
I don't put much faith in the Catholic Church these days.

RE: "“It will also have a functional purpose as a chair where people of all ages may sit on the lap of Satan for inspiration and contemplation.”

I'm curious to know what type of inspiration could they be possibly looking for from Satan?
'talk dirty in iambic pentameter' - I think there's a potential youtube/podcast/book series in that... xx
David: I just knew a man of your experience would tell me something I didn't know about snake handlers! I feel sorry for people who refuse to take the snake. The rest of the congregation must look down on them.

Cocaine Princess: Satanists believe their Lord was unfairly maligned by the church, Miss Princess. But it's possible they are being facetious.

Scarlett: I'd give you an audition for the she-devil, Miss Scarlett. I'd love to hear Shakespearian English in a Liverpudlian accent.
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