Monday, November 05, 2012
A rump of royal renown
Princess Pippa, sister of England’s future queen, is bemoaning the fact that her bum is more popular than she is:
“It is a bit startling to achieve global recognition on account of your bottom,” she said.
Show a little gratitude, young lady. Your beloved butt has won you a book contract and a free dress from Stella McCartney. Not since Jenny Seagrove moved in with Michael Winner has a celebrity arse opened so many doors.
There is nothing wrong with having a famous behind. The average gorilla’s rump is more recognisable than his face. Not true of me, of course. My face became so well-known in my circus career that my arse got jealous of it:
“Why can’t I be the most popular part of your body like other gorillas’ arses?” it moaned.
“Because I am not like other gorillas,” I replied. “Be proud that you are an important member of the Bananas team. I could not succeed without your support, especially when I’m sitting down.”
My arse took comfort from my words and ceased its pathetic whining.
As for Pippa, I’m willing to bet that her boyfriend pays far more attention to her peachy posterior than he did before it became famous. He must spend hours rubbing his face against it and giving it the occasional smooch. Does he still spank it? I’m not sure, to be honest. It’s the first question I’d ask Pippa if we met.
A young gorilla once asked me why humans have no hair on their bottoms.
“Have you been watching internet porn?” I growled.
“Yes, GB,” he replied with downcast eyes. “It won’t happen again.”
“Because you have been honest, I will answer your question,” I said. “Humans have naked rumps so they can sweat more easily. Unlike us gorillas, they are constantly running from place to place to escape predators and train for the Olympics. This makes their arses very hot, which must then perspire to lose heat.”
“What does human sweat taste like?” asked the young ape.
“How should I know?” I replied. “Some say it is salty and acrid. But you must never lick a human bottom, which is an ignoble act in their culture and ours. Although bottom-lickers often prosper in human society, they are not respected and have no honour. Many of them work in show business management.”
Now you’re probably thinking that the advice I gave that youngster was an oversimplification. I admit it’s quite likely that licking Pippa’s arse would be seen as an achievement of great distinction in today’s world. The arse-licker might well become a celebrity in his own right, with the tabloids publishing pictures of him sticking out his tongue.
The point at issue, however, is what the judgement of history will be. Being the man who licked Pippa’s butt will sound a lot less impressive in the 24th century, when cadets at the Star Fleet academy are taking their exams. A wise man thinks about his place in history before licking the sweat off a tasty-looking tush.
Labels: arse, arse-licking, Pippa Middleton
Monday, May 23, 2011
Electronic seduction
A men’s magazine has published data proving that women are agreeing to sex sooner. Apparently, bombarding a woman with text messages and emails can reduce the number of dates required to get her into bed. I feel sorry for all the ugly girls who used to attract men by being an easy lay, and have now lost their competitive advantage. There are always losers when new technology arrives.
The winners appear to be men, but I’m not convinced they have gained all that much. Whether they chat to women in person or on-line, they still have to put in the hours. Virtual communication is effectively overtime, which they wouldn’t bother doing unless it shortened the journey to Humpsville.
The main drawback, from the woman’s point of view, is the risk of fraudulent seduction. One often hears of literate prison inmates acquiring the goodwill of their cellmates by drafting letters for girlfriends and wives. How long before some nerdy poet starts offering to write tender love messages for paying customers? Women imagining themselves to be the muse of an artist would end up as the game bird in a poacher’s sack.
Male gorillas are lucky in not having to jump through the hoops required of the human male. Women are fickle, and the wrong word at the wrong time can ruin hours of painstaking wooing. Female gorillas, by contrast, don't care what text messages you send them as long as you thump your chest and uproot a few saplings. Smells and deeds are what turn them on.
And yet there are still men who can seduce women without any form of electronic communication. In some cases, indeed, they barely need to say anything intelligible at all. Let us never forget the words that Christiano Ronaldo used to persuade a waitress to mate with him on a visit to Los Angeles:
“Me, you, fuck, fuck?” asked Ronnie with a look of boyish sincerity on his face.
The second “fuck” was probably unnecessary, but there’s no harm in repetition if making your meaning clear is of paramount importance. The encounter was a fruitful one, with the waitress bearing Ronaldo a son and letting his family have custody of the baby. Her reward for this selfless act of breeding was $15.1 million. Apparently, Ronaldo’s mother insisted he pay the waitress this extravagant sum so the boy wouldn't be greeted by a toothless hooker if he ever decided to visit her. Never again will I doubt the farsightedness of the mother of a Portuguese footballer.
Seduction works both ways, of course, although women generally have an easier job of coaxing men into servicing them. The human male is like the female peacock in being aroused by visual displays. We saw a good example of this at the royal wedding, when the bride’s younger sister wore a dress that covered her rump like plastic wrap on a peach. I don’t know who she was trying to excite, but I hope he had the effrontery to goose her at the party that evening.
Labels: Pippa Middleton, Ronaldo, seduction, sexting
