Monday, May 23, 2011

Electronic seduction

A men’s magazine has published data proving that women are agreeing to sex sooner. Apparently, bombarding a woman with text messages and emails can reduce the number of dates required to get her into bed. I feel sorry for all the ugly girls who used to attract men by being an easy lay, and have now lost their competitive advantage. There are always losers when new technology arrives. 

The winners appear to be men, but I’m not convinced they have gained all that much. Whether they chat to women in person or on-line, they still have to put in the hours. Virtual communication is effectively overtime, which they wouldn’t bother doing unless it shortened the journey to Humpsville. 

The main drawback, from the woman’s point of view, is the risk of fraudulent seduction. One often hears of literate prison inmates acquiring the goodwill of their cellmates by drafting letters for girlfriends and wives. How long before some nerdy poet starts offering to write tender love messages for paying customers? Women imagining themselves to be the muse of an artist would end up as the game bird in a poacher’s sack. 

Male gorillas are lucky in not having to jump through the hoops required of the human male. Women are fickle, and the wrong word at the wrong time can ruin hours of painstaking wooing. Female gorillas, by contrast, don't care what text messages you send them as long as you thump your chest and uproot a few saplings. Smells and deeds are what turn them on.

And yet there are still men who can seduce women without any form of electronic communication. In some cases, indeed, they barely need to say anything intelligible at all. Let us never forget the words that Christiano Ronaldo used to persuade a waitress to mate with him on a visit to Los Angeles: 

“Me, you, fuck, fuck?” asked Ronnie with a look of boyish sincerity on his face. 

The second “fuck” was probably unnecessary, but there’s no harm in repetition if making your meaning clear is of paramount importance. The encounter was a fruitful one, with the waitress bearing Ronaldo a son and letting his family have custody of the baby. Her reward for this selfless act of breeding was $15.1 million. Apparently, Ronaldo’s mother insisted he pay the waitress this extravagant sum so the boy wouldn't be greeted by a toothless hooker if he ever decided to visit her. Never again will I doubt the farsightedness of the mother of a Portuguese footballer. 

Seduction works both ways, of course, although women generally have an easier job of coaxing men into servicing them. The human male is like the female peacock in being aroused by visual displays. We saw a good example of this at the royal wedding, when the bride’s younger sister wore a dress that covered her rump like plastic wrap on a peach. I don’t know who she was trying to excite, but I hope he had the effrontery to goose her at the party that evening.

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Pipa is very comely, but, there's not much to her bum, is there? Or is that the new 'bum style' possibly?

Women gorillas have it much easier, methinks.

Kind regards, Kitty
Wise words from Dr. Belisa. I, for one, plan to get my 'O' on with the next man who attempts to seduce me via text.
I'm wondering if, after all that texting and emailing, whether the male wouldn't be too tired to consumate the act? I think Ronaldo might be onto something. Four words certainly leaves a lot more time for the actual deed.
Electronic seduction by text or social networking at least implies that the seducer needs to have some written skills which in turn implies a need for intelligence. I don't think Ronaldo's offer would have been found half so charming if it had arrived by Skype.
I think Pipa needed that mermaid-cut dress cuz she doesnt have much of a bum, GB. I dont know why the world is in love with her behind.
I dunno. For a footballer I thought that was quite a good effort at intelligible speech. At least he tried. Shows he's clearly got a soft and tender side too. Quite charming really. If he'd said that to me, I would probably have flushed and gone all coy.

Jaya J - speaking on behalf of us mere men of the world..."Show us yours then! Very pretty perlleeeze, and without the mermaid cut dress is just fine by me and the rest of us too."

"Your go..."
Texting does imply a certain dexterity on the part of the suitor, which might suggest he is capable of pushing more than just phone buttons.
GB your a real ape, not a metrosexual ape.
Kitty: Hello, Kitty. Her bum IS rather lean, isn't it? Hopefully it will become fatter and juicier as she ripens into womanhood.

Emma: You don't need a man for that, Emma. I could give it a shot myself if you gave me your mobile number, and you wouldn't have to text me any photos in return.

Tennyson: It might tire out the man's fingers, which would certainly reduce the items in his tool box.

Steve: You're right there. His foreign accent and puppy dog look would have been missing. On the other hand, what girl requires charm from a man who'll give her 12 million bucks?

Jaya: People must like its shape, Jaya. I prefer the fuller rump myself. There's not much there for a hungry gorilla to sink its teeth into.

Phil: I doubt he'd show you his ball skills if you blushed and went all coy. And stop making indencent suggestion to my lady friends, you female peacock!

The Jules: He may be capable of pushing the button, but locating it would be another story.

Bananasfk: Thank you, Ms Bfk, I take that as a great compliment. A metroseuxal ape would comb his chest hairs.
real men don't text.

happy international turtle day.
Mr. Bananas, you're a gorilla after my own climax.
Okay Banana Boy…you tell me what an ‘indencent suggestion’ actually means and I’ll be happy to ‘stop it’. Eye’ve bean Goggleing it all afnertoon un it doh’nt cum up nnnoware.

So… until you do I’m just going to skip around your blog post here like a silly little kinder brat, singing “Kongy loves Jayaaayajay – Kongy loves Jayaaaayajay…nahh nahh nee nahh nahhh – nahh nahh nee nahh nahhh!! “


Oh yeah, and while Konga Wonga stomps off to find a few large trees to lob at me Jaya J – how about just an incy wincy lickle peeky poohs at ‘YOUR TUSH!’ then.
I find sexting a bit too sleazy for my liking. I suppose it's because we have a bit of a problem with it here with all the whores around.

Anyways, am I the only one that thinks that Pippa is over-rated? And big bums are only ever attractive to men who don't have them in their lives. For some of us, they're nightmares.
I prefer chest thumping to texting.
$15.1 mill for two f****s? He could've just texted her one f*** and saved $7.5 mill or so. Stupid guy.

Billy: Thanks for letting me know about that. I'm sure real turtles don't text either.

Emma: I want to help you find it rather than steal it for myself, Emma. You have my word of honour.

Phil: You can't ask a woman you don't know to show you her tush, you ill-mannered baboon! Do you have any female relatives? A wife? A sister? A mother? Go and ask them what an indecent suggestion is and don't show your face around here until you have!

Azra: Pippa is pipsqueak, Miss Azra. Here is what real men think about it.

Missed Periods: A preference which does you credit, ma'am.

Robyn: Haha, Robyn, you'd make a good financial adviser for sexually profligate footballers!
That Pippa looks like a twig - bend her over to quick and she's gonna snap like one.

Personally I like to get the nasty on early on...saves disspointment later.
It's good to know there are still honorable gorilla's out there, Mr. Bananas. I'll be in contact. Look forward to future sexts—I mean texts.
Hiya Kongy wongy…I’m baaaack,

Ohha-Kaya then Banana Bandit - “You can't ask a woman you don't know to show you her tush” …what a load of tosh tosh toshy. You ever tried walking into a ‘vine bar’ and saying to the first Jaya J you meat… “don’t you show me your tush there young lady!”. First thing she’ll do is break her neck trying desperately to peer over her shoulder and check out the state of her ‘tush’ – then she’ll beat a hasty path to the nearest mirror and have a good 3D gawp at it from every angle for ten minutes – then she’ll get her best mate to capture a picture of it on her mobile phone – then she’ll glare back at me and say “So what’s wrong with my tush? And who the hell are you ‘big boy’ anyway?” – then I’ll just toss her my hotel room key and tell her to go take a shower while I go steal some good champagne. Works just dandy for us horny hunky baboons. Believe me. Tush tush tushy wushy…
Phil: Decaf.

But then... perhaps you live in the jungles of Essex.

Kind regards, Kitty
i once summoned the courage to apply an approach similar to that of ronaldo......result, - glassed by unhappy boyfriend!
Oh Phil. You're right! After all only an asshole would know best abt asses. What was I thinking.
Kitty: and “Ola La La - to you too” - Scuse me while I stumble out of my tree and air-cycle hopelessly to the ground.

“Decaff” … ex-cell-ent!

Less is so much more. Unlike me.

Made me snort all over last nights half eaten BigMac.

“Mare See Bo Coo.”

That’s cool Essex slang for ‘Thank Thou’.

Truth is, you’re bang on there with your ‘woman’s intuition’ divining of my real-time birthplace origins, cos - I indeed was born near the Isle of Dogs before being raised for a while in the urban jungles of the west end of Essex. In fact after I moved east, the Gherkin arose from the soil I’d rolled around over in my post puberty diversions, which I thought was symbolically gratuitous of Lord Foster. Then one fine day, the local council plebs just carted me off to somewhere else altogether and ‘dumped me in the country’ with a note round my neck. Still cant read what it says, but the mooers here are very friendly. Just a mere baboon see.

Know any decent new Essex blonde jokes? I’m fresh out of stimulating reading and feeling a bit sentimental for the ‘old county’ ways and cultures? It’s bin a while.

Eeeeeuwe…just took a bite out of my paper therviette. Thyuck.

And what exactly is ‘decaf’ anyway. Caf without the Feine? Ersatz lookalike tea without the essential psychoactive stimulant that stinks like wannabe very good coffee but doesn’t actually plug you into the mains supply after the burnt out toast part in the morning and thus ejects you out onto the street of life feeling like a failed fart in a wet paper bag?

Random thought..(!!) Whose Blog is this anyway…I’ve forgotten? Stinks of bananas though – (looks around) - that’s worrying….Hmmm. I have a very bad feeling about the owner of this blog…

Ok..I’m off deep sea diving again…nite nite and yes..Jay J what on earth 'were you' thinking?

Interesting. I have had strong attempts made by men. Sadly (or smartly?) I read through the b.s. and realize what he wants--to lay the virgin. Honestly, this post does bring up a concern for someone like me: the chance that I'll fall for the wrong man. :/

For my part, I have to confess...I would wear that dress in a heartbeat.
Dirtycowgirl: That's a very interesting philosophy, Ms Cowgirl. It reminds me of a character called Grainger Cooley, who seduced a woman with the line "Orgasm first, relationship later".

Emma: The pleasure will be mutual, Emma.

Phil: You're way over your word limit for this thread, pal. Time to stop charging around like a hornless rhino and chill out. Vacation time has arrived.

Dull boy: Struth, you put your foot in it there! Didn't you notice she had an escort?

Frisky Virgin: There are also men who want to get married, Miss Virgin, so let's hope you fall for one of them. Maybe you'll be wearing that dress on your wedding night.
Mr GB. I watched the entire video waiting to see a huge bottom. But alas, nothing. But point noted.

So you're saying that there are actually men who *want* to get married? I don't know about that... when was the last time you received a memo in the Congo from that elite club called Man?
At last some men's magazine does some decent research with results..
I have no doubts, Mr. Bananas.
"I don’t know who she was trying to excite, but I hope he had the effrontery to goose her at the party that evening."

I was an inch away from a superinjunction when I read that, GB, but then I heard the news.

Having test-driven Big Sis in my role as Cotsengi, I really couldn't be stirred by Pippa. Kate's The One.
Hahahaha...this is really well written and extremely funny :)
Your writing is absolutely wonderful and hilarious! Thank you for buying a computer and learning how to type, I am grateful. You are great!
Gorillas definitely have it made. Thump thump here and a thump thump there then a hump hump here and a hump hump there
1. i agree w all this techy stuff advancing relationships. you know half that shit you say over text you'd never say in real life.

2. i don't get it with pippa. really? that dress looks like something i'd of worn to my 7th grade banquet
Azra: I travel outside the Congo, Miss Azra, and often see men on their honeymoons. Some of them are no doubt wondering what the hell they've gotten themselves into.

Runawaybride: That's true, Miss Runaway, although you shouldn't believe everything you read in men's magazines.

Emma: We are of one mind, Emma.

Mr Boyo: Super-injunctions have no writ where I live, Boyo. The only judges we allow around here are defrocked ones.

Siddartha: Thank you, Sir, a good review is never superfluous.

The Kid: Thank you, Sonny, your opinions are wise and mature for one so young.

Greg: Are those song lyrics you've written? Not a bad description of the gorilla lifestyle, although we also engage in less energetic activities.

Bluntdelivery: Is that so? I'd love to read your text messages. Don't you think Pippa's dress brought out the shape of her butt?
Sometimes it is surprisingly easy. Every time I'm shocked and elated. "Yay! I'm getting some!" I'm never that impressed with the game I've spit . . .
I've found that the better the poem, the less effective it is. And you have to write a poem that you don't mind getting thrown in your face. That's a challenge.
I've found that often the most fervent of texters is the most laxidasical of lovers.

Something to do with thumb sprain, perhaps.
Dr Ken: Perhaps they find your modesty charming... or give you marks for effort.

Fred: A woman threw a poem in your face? How unladylike!

Barreness: Maybe too mush anticipation spoils the performance. The fantasy is often more powerful than real thing.
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