Monday, November 05, 2012

A rump of royal renown

Princess Pippa, sister of England’s future queen, is bemoaning the fact that her bum is more popular than she is:

“It is a bit startling to achieve global recognition on account of your bottom,” she said.

Show a little gratitude, young lady. Your beloved butt has won you a book contract and a free dress from Stella McCartney. Not since Jenny Seagrove moved in with Michael Winner has a celebrity arse opened so many doors.

There is nothing wrong with having a famous behind. The average gorilla’s rump is more recognisable than his face. Not true of me, of course. My face became so well-known in my circus career that my arse got jealous of it:

“Why can’t I be the most popular part of your body like other gorillas’ arses?” it moaned.

“Because I am not like other gorillas,” I replied. “Be proud that you are an important member of the Bananas team. I could not succeed without your support, especially when I’m sitting down.”

My arse took comfort from my words and ceased its pathetic whining.

As for Pippa, I’m willing to bet that her boyfriend pays far more attention to her peachy posterior than he did before it became famous. He must spend hours rubbing his face against it and giving it the occasional smooch. Does he still spank it? I’m not sure, to be honest. It’s the first question I’d ask Pippa if we met.

A young gorilla once asked me why humans have no hair on their bottoms.

“Have you been watching internet porn?” I growled.

“Yes, GB,” he replied with downcast eyes. “It won’t happen again.”

“Because you have been honest, I will answer your question,” I said. “Humans have naked rumps so they can sweat more easily. Unlike us gorillas, they are constantly running from place to place to escape predators and train for the Olympics. This makes their arses very hot, which must then perspire to lose heat.”

“What does human sweat taste like?” asked the young ape.

“How should I know?” I replied. “Some say it is salty and acrid. But you must never lick a human bottom, which is an ignoble act in their culture and ours. Although bottom-lickers often prosper in human society, they are not respected and have no honour. Many of them work in show business management.”

Now you’re probably thinking that the advice I gave that youngster was an oversimplification. I admit it’s quite likely that licking Pippa’s arse would be seen as an achievement of great distinction in today’s world. The arse-licker might well become a celebrity in his own right, with the tabloids publishing pictures of him sticking out his tongue.

The point at issue, however, is what the judgement of history will be. Being the man who licked Pippa’s butt will sound a lot less impressive in the 24th century, when cadets at the Star Fleet academy are taking their exams. A wise man thinks about his place in history before licking the sweat off a tasty-looking tush.

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The payoffs for being a bottom-licker in the workplace are great: the best schedule, the best pay, ease in getting vacation time. Problem is, you have to walk around with the taste of ass sweat in your mouth
That is a nice Arse! I would switch places with that guy
I'll take my chances.
Then again, nobody ever accused me of being a wise man.
Wise GUY, perhaps...
As a man known throughout the galaxy for his ankles I can empathise with young Pippadee, especially so since my elbows and my left kidney are far, far nicer.

I have never kissed an arse in my life. Dickheads, idiots, n'er do wells, vagabonds, thieves and utter total bastards, yes, but never an arse.
Monkeys do have cute butts, though I wouldn't kiss one.

That's about all I have to say on the subject of arses and arse kissing.

What you apes are unaware of is that we spend countless hours shaving our asses. You only ever see the end result of our efforts. Your hairy ass has nothing on ours.

I had my bottom licked once. I had to pay $20 extra.

Regarding your last pic: How come most women employed in erotica are very hot but the men are uniformly creepy?
Having a famous behind would have pluses and minuses. Those with famous bosoms can see where their admirers are looking and remind them where their faces are. With the bottom they might not even realize the ogling going on. Unless someone was standing in front of her and craning to see around, which would be creepish indeed.
Given the antics of Prince Philip over the years Pippa ought to be proud that she has finally supplied a Royal arse that we can all be proud of.
Winopants: Which goes to show that you don't achieve things in life without making sacrifices. A good mouthwash is also useful.

Matt: I bet you would, Matt, but do you think her butt might be desensitized after all the smooching it's received?

Al: History would be kind to you if you managed to lick Pippa's butt. The cunning and deception involved would leave everyone awestruck.

The Owl Wood: Well, there's no need to regret the omission of an arse with such a full and varied catalogue of experience. You may yet have a chance to tick that box, of course.

Robyn: Monkeys have small butts, Robyn. Do you like them small and cute?

Mr UB: $20 is surprisingly cheap - did you have a gift voucher or something? I suppose it's better if male porn actors are guys the customers can identify with.

Ms Ninja: That's a good point, Ms Ninja. She'd need to have a rear-view mirror to know who was looking at her behind. I suppose she could acknowledge friendly greetings by wiggling it.

Steve: Maybe the Queen should take Pippa's arse on royal tours instead of Philip - its diplomatic skills are already far superior.
I remember the blonde chick in ABBA's (Agentha Faltskog) rump was a big deal back in the day. When asked about the popularity of her posterior, Agnetha graciously, and humbly responded, "I can't really comment. I've never actually seen it." I think that is the right way to deal with it, instead of acting like your rear end is some kind of curse. Pippa could take a lesson from her more talented elders. Also, humans DO have hairy asses, I don't know where you are getting your information from.
It does seem that Pippa's arse has developed an entire personality all of its own.

Some unkind folk have suggested to me that this personality is actually an improvement on that of the arse's owner.

If so, can we expect Pippa's arse to make pronouncements on important topics in the near future?

Is her face worth looking at? If she's butt-ugly, maybe she should be happy any part of her is getting some camera time. Wonder if she has a certain someone taking a bite into it like the guy in the bottom pic? Princess butt!!!!!
arse-kissing will prevail as long as there's supply and demand for it, GB.
She is so hot! Kate is prettier but Pippa gets down and dirty!
Jimmy: I wrote a post called 'Agnetha's posterior' discussing this very issue. I think being Swedish also had something to do with her relaxed attitude to the butt question. However, no human has a rump that would pass for hairy in the jungle. Prove me wrong if you can.

Jon: I doubt Pippa's butt could make any noises that would be helpful in an educational sense, but maybe the sound of it being spanked would yield useful data about its texture.

Dr Ken: Her face is fine, but her tush is arguably prettier. I'd be disappointed if her boyfriend wasn't biting it. It would be such a waste.

Jaya: I always thought the market was driven by supply, Jaya. Are there really people dying to have their bottoms kissed?

Dr Zibbs: I'd like to know where you get your inside information!
of course :) gives them a sick sense of power and achievement. a high they derive only from having their arses kissed.
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