Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Under the mattress
Khloé Kardashian says she was scarred for life after hearing her parents have sex when she was a girl. Here is her recollection of the event:
“I fell asleep under my mom's bed... and I woke up to the bed shaking! I was too scared to leave so I had to wait for the whole thing! The moaning ... It was honestly wild!”
On first inspection, this story appears to be full of holes. Why would a girl fall asleep under her parents’ bed rather than on top of it? Her explanation is that she was playing hide-and-seek and no one could be bothered to look for her. Strange that she stayed under the bed like a gopher, but I suppose we’ll have to take her word for it.
The next point to clear up is how her father, who we now know was a woman in a man’s body, was capable of giving her mother such a good seeing to. How could he produce all that moaning and bed-shaking if he wasn’t really into it? I was certain this proved the story was a hoax until I discussed the matter with my females. They gave me two possible explanations:
1) Her father was a lesbian in a man’s body, so he was still capable of getting hot and horny with his wife;
2) Her mother did all the work while her father lied on his back and fantasized about Jean-Claude Van Damme.
I have to admit these are plausible theories, so maybe young Khloé really did have to listen to her parents’ conjugal romping. But that doesn’t mean I believe her claim about being “scarred for life”. That’s the kind of whiney complaint made by a human who’s never lived outdoors and seen Mother Nature in action. Believe you me, there are worse sights than your close relatives thrashing about like hungry crocodiles. And don’t forget she was only exposed to the sound effects. No jungle-dwelling ape is going to cluck in sympathy because of that.
Whatever effect this childhood experience had on Ms Kardashian, it certainly didn’t put her off sex. A quick look at her biography indicates she’s been going through men like tubes of toothpaste. Yet there is one aspect of her private life that does make me wonder – she seems to have a preference for basketball players. Why would that be? They are good at putting balls through hoops, but I’m not convinced it’s a skill that a sexually excited woman could put to good use.
More relevant, perhaps, is their height. I would guess they are longer from head-to-toe than the average bed. Could Ms Kardashian be unconsciously attracted to men who prefer not to copulate in beds because they don’t like their feet dangling off the edge? This is just a theory and I don’t pretend to have all the answers. If she really wants to get to the bottom of her issues, she should visit Kathmandu and bare her soul to the Kumari Devi.
Labels: bedroom noises, Kathmandu, Khloe Kardashian, Kumari Devi
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Silly love songs
Paul McCartney has admitted he was too scared to tell his attractive wife that he loved her. Now why would he fear saying that, unless perhaps it wasn’t true? Some women can tell when their husbands are lying as easily as if their noses were growing longer like Pinocchio’s. Female intuition is a more powerful truth serum than sodium pentothal or a kick in the balls. But if Paul doesn’t love her, why would he have married her? That can’t be the cause of his anxiety.
Maybe the source of his fear is financial. When a rich man tells a woman he loves her, his wallet trembles in anticipation. Money can’t buy you love, but love can lose you money, as Paul discovered when he divorced Heather Mills. Was he worried that opening his heart to Nancy might have encouraged her to ask for Tahiti as a Christmas present? No, that can’t be right, the woman is flush herself. If she asked for Tahiti, he could have asked for Bermuda.
In pursuit of an explanation, I phoned Smacker Ramrod, my old circus buddy, who’s been happily married for a decade or so.
“I know exactly how he feels,” he said. “You never know how a woman will react the first time you tell her you love her. My own dear spouse giggled like Scooby Doo before punching me in the face. I had a black eye for a week.”
“That’s a heart-warming anecdote, Smacker.” I remarked. “I shall tell it to my females as proof of the close genetic bond we have with our human cousins.”
Of course, it’s a complete myth that humans invented love. Birds of all species can be incredibly jealous lovers, as anyone who’s flirted with an ostrich knows. I never even smile at an ostrich hen for fear of getting my arse pecked by her mate. Not even among the primates do humans reign supreme in the amorous arts. Our mutual cousins, the bonobos, have fascinated biologists for years with their touchy-feely behaviour and public displays of affection. They are also extremely generous in providing sympathy sex, which is not something humans will do without a lot of play-acting and chicanery.
Another celebrity who’s been having issues with the L-word is Khloe Kardashian, whose marriage appears to be floundering. I suppose it was only a matter of time before the shaven-headed brute she got hitched to fell out of love with her bubble butt. Rather than consult a divorce lawyer, she is seeking solace among her twitter followers, to whom she tweeted the following message:
“I crave a love so deep the ocean would be jealous.”
Poor deluded girl! A love that deep would be full of shipwrecks, sharks and creatures that squirted black ink in her face. My advice to Khloe is to stop tweeting and have some sympathy sex with a good-natured rake like Russell Brand. He may not be as affectionate as a bonobo, but I doubt he’ll expect her to eat his body parasites.
Labels: Khloe Kardashian, Paul McCartney, Russell Brand, sympathy sex
