Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Under the mattress

Khloé Kardashian says she was scarred for life after hearing her parents have sex when she was a girl. Here is her recollection of the event:

“I fell asleep under my mom's bed... and I woke up to the bed shaking! I was too scared to leave so I had to wait for the whole thing! The moaning ... It was honestly wild!”

On first inspection, this story appears to be full of holes. Why would a girl fall asleep under her parents’ bed rather than on top of it? Her explanation is that she was playing hide-and-seek and no one could be bothered to look for her. Strange that she stayed under the bed like a gopher, but I suppose we’ll have to take her word for it.

The next point to clear up is how her father, who we now know was a woman in a man’s body, was capable of giving her mother such a good seeing to. How could he produce all that moaning and bed-shaking if he wasn’t really into it? I was certain this proved the story was a hoax until I discussed the matter with my females. They gave me two possible explanations:

1) Her father was a lesbian in a man’s body, so he was still capable of getting hot and horny with his wife;

2) Her mother did all the work while her father lied on his back and fantasized about Jean-Claude Van Damme.

I have to admit these are plausible theories, so maybe young Khloé really did have to listen to her parents’ conjugal romping. But that doesn’t mean I believe her claim about being “scarred for life”. That’s the kind of whiney complaint made by a human who’s never lived outdoors and seen Mother Nature in action. Believe you me, there are worse sights than your close relatives thrashing about like hungry crocodiles. And don’t forget she was only exposed to the sound effects. No jungle-dwelling ape is going to cluck in sympathy because of that.

Whatever effect this childhood experience had on Ms Kardashian, it certainly didn’t put her off sex. A quick look at her biography indicates she’s been going through men like tubes of toothpaste. Yet there is one aspect of her private life that does make me wonder – she seems to have a preference for basketball players. Why would that be? They are good at putting balls through hoops, but I’m not convinced it’s a skill that a sexually excited woman could put to good use.

More relevant, perhaps, is their height. I would guess they are longer from head-to-toe than the average bed. Could Ms Kardashian be unconsciously attracted to men who prefer not to copulate in beds because they don’t like their feet dangling off the edge? This is just a theory and I don’t pretend to have all the answers. If she really wants to get to the bottom of her issues, she should visit Kathmandu and bare her soul to the Kumari Devi.

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The only thing more awkward than having to live through that would be to feel the need to share it with the media later in life.
First off, we don't even KNOW who this tramp's baby daddy is. is it OJ Simpson? it is NOT Robert Kardashian. tramp's too white and looks nothing like kim and kourtney.

And second, what tramp hides out under the bed?

This insane dysfunctional family is too damn bizzaro to be believed!
yeah, i was once a man in a woman's body.

then my mother gave birth.
Nothing the Kardashians come up with surprises me! Attention-seekers all!
I believe Anne Marie is correct. Robert Kardashian, the muck, is the father. Even though Caityln was both parents too her. That I even know that much is troublesome. The one problem with her bearing her soul to the figure in your closing, while a good one, is that she will turn it into a full blown reality show........this family is like amoebas. You can't get rid of them, cut one in half then there are two. They seem to bred all too well.
Khloé Kardashian knows how to make lemon-aid from lemons. You can say that much for her. A lot of folks would have let an incident like that really mess up the way they see the world.
This story seems to be full of holes….you make me laugh! So droll.

I don’t know, I wonder what actually does attract her to millionaire basket ball players. I’m stumped.
Nasreen: I have no doubt that would be true in a non-Kardashian Universe.

Anne Marie: Maybe so, Anne Marie, but the man giving it to her momma on the bed was definitely the Caitlyn dude. Whether he was Khloe's real daddy is a side issue.

Mr Rosewater: Haha, that's a nice observation, although technically you were a homunculus in a woman's body.

Ms Pop Tart: Do you think you'd find their bottoms surprising if they suddenly sat on you?

Mistress Maddie: It must have been an earlier marriage, because it was definitely Caitlyn bouncing her momma on the mattress. Reality TV in Kathmandu would involve climbing mountains and bathing in freezing water. She might never be seen again.

Exile: I'm glad to hear she's not completely devoid of talent. I wonder if she looks back on the event as something that would have been good in a TV show.

Jules: Why thank you, Jules, I'll re-read that sentence carefully so I can appreciate my own droll-ness. :) You remind me of Mrs Merton asking Debbie McGee why she married the late Paul Daniels.
I have been using the same tube of tooth paste for 5 years now, so props to Khloe for being so loyal to her men. I once hid under a bed for the entire summer vacation and my parents didn't notice I was missing.
Hey, I feel bad for her.
Her dad is now her mom with a penis. Or...her dad is still her dad, but with boobs. But, maybe it's her stepdad with boobs...? Or her stepdad became her stepmom...with a penis...?
Oh, bugger.
Wait. Her brother-in-law is Kanye.
Yeah, now I REALLY feel bad for her.
I don't understand the need she felt to share that with the entire world.
Phew. I was afraid I'd have to admit my knowledge about the Kardasses, but I see a few others already did. Yeah, the story would make even less sense were he daddy Bruce-turned-Caitlyn. But the fact that her daddy's dead now is peculiar. I wonder if that has anything to do with her story. If he died shortly thereafter, I could understand Khloe's trauma.
As a child I heard a terrible noise coming from my parents' room. It sounded like Mother was in danger. Bleary-eyed I stumbled in to see Father atop her engaged in some struggle that to my child's mind was incomprehensible. Much shouting and banishment ensued.
Jimmy: Well, Jimmy, it seems you are economical with toothpaste and very good at concealing yourself. I think you'd make a good secret agent.

Al: Her brother-in-law is the biggest penis in this story. He'd be the biggest penis in a story about humping humpback whales.

Mary: I think she's looking for sympathy, Mary.

Robyn: It was definitely Bruce-Caitlyn in the bed with her mother, but he may have been making love to himself. Would that explain all the shaking and moaning?

Mosha: You and Khloe should form a support group to discuss these childhood traumas. Having had a good view of the action, you could tell her what her eyes missed.
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