Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Under the mattress
Khloé Kardashian says she was scarred for life after hearing her parents have sex when she was a girl. Here is her recollection of the event:
“I fell asleep under my mom's bed... and I woke up to the bed shaking! I was too scared to leave so I had to wait for the whole thing! The moaning ... It was honestly wild!”
On first inspection, this story appears to be full of holes. Why would a girl fall asleep under her parents’ bed rather than on top of it? Her explanation is that she was playing hide-and-seek and no one could be bothered to look for her. Strange that she stayed under the bed like a gopher, but I suppose we’ll have to take her word for it.
The next point to clear up is how her father, who we now know was a woman in a man’s body, was capable of giving her mother such a good seeing to. How could he produce all that moaning and bed-shaking if he wasn’t really into it? I was certain this proved the story was a hoax until I discussed the matter with my females. They gave me two possible explanations:
1) Her father was a lesbian in a man’s body, so he was still capable of getting hot and horny with his wife;
2) Her mother did all the work while her father lied on his back and fantasized about Jean-Claude Van Damme.
I have to admit these are plausible theories, so maybe young Khloé really did have to listen to her parents’ conjugal romping. But that doesn’t mean I believe her claim about being “scarred for life”. That’s the kind of whiney complaint made by a human who’s never lived outdoors and seen Mother Nature in action. Believe you me, there are worse sights than your close relatives thrashing about like hungry crocodiles. And don’t forget she was only exposed to the sound effects. No jungle-dwelling ape is going to cluck in sympathy because of that.
Whatever effect this childhood experience had on Ms Kardashian, it certainly didn’t put her off sex. A quick look at her biography indicates she’s been going through men like tubes of toothpaste. Yet there is one aspect of her private life that does make me wonder – she seems to have a preference for basketball players. Why would that be? They are good at putting balls through hoops, but I’m not convinced it’s a skill that a sexually excited woman could put to good use.
More relevant, perhaps, is their height. I would guess they are longer from head-to-toe than the average bed. Could Ms Kardashian be unconsciously attracted to men who prefer not to copulate in beds because they don’t like their feet dangling off the edge? This is just a theory and I don’t pretend to have all the answers. If she really wants to get to the bottom of her issues, she should visit Kathmandu and bare her soul to the Kumari Devi.
Labels: bedroom noises, Kathmandu, Khloe Kardashian, Kumari Devi
