Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Nicked in the bud
To my knowledge, there are no gorillas who live in Manchester, a city in north-west England. I once visited the place in my circus days. Its grey climate and chilly breezes made me muse on philosophical questions such as ‘The Purpose of Existence’ and ‘The Problem of Free Willies’. Rather than searching for answers like a human, I put on a pair of thermal underpants. This is why news stories from Manchester put me on edge, like an elephant who can sense the presence of a snake.
The latest incident of note from that benighted city concerns a 61-year-old academic who has been forced out of his job. Professor Nicholas Goddard, known as ‘Old Nick’ in the adult entertainment industry, was exposed as a former porn star when one of his students saw him in an X-rated film.
“I didn’t get paid much for my movie work, but they did cover travel expenses,” explained Professor Goddard. “I stopped acting when it all became too much.”
The “acting” he did involved having sex with numerous women while wearing nothing but a gold watch. I’m not surprised it became too much for him. I couldn’t imagine copulating with countless females with an expensive timepiece on my wrist. I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about what it was rubbing against.
When his past became public knowledge, the university launched an investigation and subsequently issued the following statement:
“Professor Nick Goddard has resigned from his position at the university with effect from April 1, 2016. His teaching and supervision duties will be undertaken by other colleagues between now and April 1, 2016.”
I don’t know why they chose April Fool’s Day. Are they implying that the professor was a fool? Or do they think he made a fool of the university? If you ask me, the biggest fools are his students. I bet they were sniggering like chipmunks during Professor Goddard’s lectures, making it impossible for him to continue. So now they will be taught by unprepared tutors. If they get low grades, they have no one to blame but themselves.
The biggest villain, of course, is the student who snitched on Old Nick. In the first place, he should have been studying rather than watching porn films. In the second place, he should have kept the information to himself instead of squawking like a parrot. I hope his career prospects will now be limited to lowly occupations such as tabloid journalism.
I’m glad to say that a few honourable Mancunians have spoken out in Professor Goddard’s defence:
“It’s nothing to do with his job or the university,” declared Nicola Munro. “There is no need to investigate him unless he has acted inappropriately. Back off is what I say!”
She speaks with the courage of a tigress defending her kill. Let’s hope the university takes heed of her words and re-employs the good professor. If he can’t continue in Chemical Engineering, they could at least give him a chair in Erotic Studies.
Labels: acting, porn, pornography, thermal underwear
