Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Nicked in the bud

To my knowledge, there are no gorillas who live in Manchester, a city in north-west England. I once visited the place in my circus days. Its grey climate and chilly breezes made me muse on philosophical questions such as ‘The Purpose of Existence’ and ‘The Problem of Free Willies’. Rather than searching for answers like a human, I put on a pair of thermal underpants. This is why news stories from Manchester put me on edge, like an elephant who can sense the presence of a snake.

The latest incident of note from that benighted city concerns a 61-year-old academic who has been forced out of his job. Professor Nicholas Goddard, known as ‘Old Nick’ in the adult entertainment industry, was exposed as a former porn star when one of his students saw him in an X-rated film.

“I didn’t get paid much for my movie work, but they did cover travel expenses,” explained Professor Goddard. “I stopped acting when it all became too much.”

The “acting” he did involved having sex with numerous women while wearing nothing but a gold watch. I’m not surprised it became too much for him. I couldn’t imagine copulating with countless females with an expensive timepiece on my wrist. I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about what it was rubbing against.

When his past became public knowledge, the university launched an investigation and subsequently issued the following statement:

“Professor Nick Goddard has resigned from his position at the university with effect from April 1, 2016. His teaching and supervision duties will be undertaken by other colleagues between now and April 1, 2016.”

I don’t know why they chose April Fool’s Day. Are they implying that the professor was a fool? Or do they think he made a fool of the university? If you ask me, the biggest fools are his students. I bet they were sniggering like chipmunks during Professor Goddard’s lectures, making it impossible for him to continue. So now they will be taught by unprepared tutors. If they get low grades, they have no one to blame but themselves.

The biggest villain, of course, is the student who snitched on Old Nick. In the first place, he should have been studying rather than watching porn films. In the second place, he should have kept the information to himself instead of squawking like a parrot. I hope his career prospects will now be limited to lowly occupations such as tabloid journalism.

I’m glad to say that a few honourable Mancunians have spoken out in Professor Goddard’s defence:

“It’s nothing to do with his job or the university,” declared Nicola Munro. “There is no need to investigate him unless he has acted inappropriately. Back off is what I say!”

She speaks with the courage of a tigress defending her kill. Let’s hope the university takes heed of her words and re-employs the good professor. If he can’t continue in Chemical Engineering, they could at least give him a chair in Erotic Studies.

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Poor fellow! He must have been just making up for his low salary the university paid him.
His timepiece in the picture does look rather familiar.......
Seriously, relieved of duties due to on camera copulation? With a consenting adult porn actress? Porn is not a crime, well at least not in my book.
oh my...manchester is the home of my ancestors on my father's side.
I reckon Nicola Munro is after his piece. I meant his watch...
We have become an unforgiving society haven't we? Hopefully I will never be condemned for the sins of my youth...
Pop Tart: Well he wasn't paid very much for his acting work, Ms Pop Tart. I think it was more of a hobby. :)

Mistress Maddie: I'm surprised to hear that, Mistress! Is he a relative? Is the timepiece an heirloom?

Fearsome Beard: It certainly isn't a crime, Mr Beard, but I suspect he agreed to the termination of his employment. It can't be easy to give a lecture when your students are grinning at you like monkeys.

Anne Marie: That sounds like a proud lineage, Anne Marie. You should consider visiting Manchester if you ever get bored of blue skies and sunhine.

Jules: I don't think words of support will be enough to get it off him, Jules. Does he look like the watch-giving type to you?

Nota Bene: Perhaps you should repent before they are uncovered. Do you have someone to confess to?
I don't even want to joke about this because it's so wrong. I hope another university rises to the occasion and gets atop this one by hiring him for the job.
Did he resign or get let go?

He should try and utilize his chemical engineering prowess to improve the pitch at Manchester City's stadium. It looked pretty ragged when they played United.
Since it didn't have anything to do with his teaching, he shouldn't have lost his job.
How did they recognize him? Presumably it was the watch that gave him away?

I know that when I take a class, I don't expect that my teacher would have ever had sex. With anyone. People who have had sex in front of a camera in exchange for travel expenses certainly have nothing to teach me!

All kidding asisde, I expected the picture at the bottom to be much older than it is. 61-year old guy, I thought maybe he did some porn in THE Sixties, not in HIS Sixties. If you did porn in the Sixties or Seventies, people are going to give you a pass. I mean, the Seventies? Everybody did porn in the Seventies: "Well, I grew a mustache on a lark and it was just sort of expected."
I would love to have porn star in my resume. Gold watch or no.
Robyn: I hope so too, Robyn. I'm sure there are many universities that would benefit from his rich experience of life.

Mr Rosewater: Maybe they offered him a generous early retirement pension and he accepted it. I think he's earned the right to some recreation.

Mary: In theory you are right, Mary, but what if the students were constantly smirking at him?

Nasreen: That's why he was known as 'Old Nick'. I think there's a niche market for porn involving old dudes and 20-year-old girls. It's more dirty and bestial than regular porn.

Al: It's never to late, Old Al. But I suggest you use 'Dick' as your stage name.
I have have often read that the most learned of individuals have the most sordid of passionate motivations. It is a matter of curiosity, perhaps. The quest for the milk of experience to slake the thirst of inquiring intellect.
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