Wednesday, January 25, 2017
Manphobia
An English “glamour model” has taken the unusual step of banning men from her home:
“I honestly can't bear the thought of letting a man into my house ever again,” tweeted Jodie Marsh. “My house is too beautiful & clean & perfect ... I'm not saying men are untidy or dirty or smelly or unhygienic. Just that in my experience ... well, you know ... Men are like elephants. I appreciate their beauty and I like looking at them but I don't want to own one and I don't want one in my house.”
Given that Ms Marsh has made a handsome living from posing topless in “lads’ magazines”, her tweets may be unhelpful in furthering her career plans. Those who have stared ravenously at her jahoobies don’t want to be told that they’re smelly vagabonds by the owner of the said jahoobies. Publicly banning them from her home may also be counterproductive. They surely never expected to be invited, but now they can’t even fantasize about the possibility.
My mentor, Dr Whipsnade, didn’t allow tramps or vagrants into his impressive mansion, but he never announced it as a policy. If they turned up at his door, they were directed to the garden shed and told to wait for provisions. If you own a big, impressive house, you mustn’t insult the masses by telling them it’s strictly off-limits. That kind of behaviour can provoke a brick through the window. Even the Queen of England invites common folk to her garden parties, serving them an excellent buffet of teacakes and desserts.
So why has Ms Marsh acquired such an aversion to the opposite sex? Part of the reason might be the marriage she is currently in the final stages of dissolving. Her estranged husband was reputedly a man of lowly character with body odour issues. Having a mate who smells bad can put anyone off sex. Ms Marsh expounded on the delights of celibacy in an earlier TV interview conducted in her home:
“I'm celibate again now, because I just like it. I don't want any willies near me. I'm just nothing, I'm asexual.”
When asked about self-love, she said that was a different story and told the interviewer not to rummage in her drawers.
“Because you've got all the implements!” he exclaimed.
I think we can take it as read that the toys in her drawers are giving full satisfaction. If I were her agent, I’d negotiate an endorsement deal on her behalf. Having a nude model say that your device is so effective that she doesn’t need men is a manufacturer’s dream.
It is possible, of course, that Ms Marsh has not dated the right kind of man. Women of her background and appearance tend to attract the coarser variety of suitor. As well as smelling like baboons, such men have an unsubtle approach to the erotic pleasures. Maybe she would have fared better with the smoother type of fellow who showers regularly, uses cologne and keeps his tufts well trimmed. It’s easy to mock the metrosexual dandy, but I bet he gets laid more often than the he-man.
Labels: body odour, celibacy, jahoobies, Jodie Marsh, Sex toys
Wednesday, August 03, 2016
No sex please, I'm British
“Being celibate is the best thing I've ever done,” Ms Marsh proudly declared.
I have to admit being impressed by humans who renounce the carnal pleasures. I tend to believe they’re on a spiritual mission to become an enlightened bramacharya, like Gandhi or Doris Day. Ms Marsh, it has to be said, doesn’t look like a holy woman, but I never judge a book by its cover. Maybe her tartish appearance is an illusion that obscures a serene and contemplative soul, gliding gently on a path to Nirvana.
I’m sorry to say that my favourable opinion of her didn’t last very long. In a subsequent interview she elaborated on her reasons for giving up sex.
"I love being celibate,” she said. “You don't have to shave your legs every day!”
As a hairy ape, I find the idea that you have to shave your legs before having sex quite offensive. And why do women have to shave their legs and not men? If I were a feminist, I’d be thumping my chest in annoyance. The next statement she made gave the game away:
"The thought of sex actually makes me feel sick.”
The whole point of taking a vow of abstinence is to give up something you enjoy doing. If you’re not making a sacrifice, it doesn’t purify your soul. No one ever got enlightened by not doing something they didn’t want to do in the first place. The woman is clearly an airhead who needs to spend some quality time with a vibrator.
On reflection, I don’t believe she finds sex disgusting at all. Why would she expend so much effort in beautifying her body if she didn’t want men to lust after her? Her Wikipedia biography hints at a promiscuous lifestyle, in spite of her protestations to the contrary. I suspect this whole celibacy charade is a ruse to attract men who are thrilled by the idea of bedding an infamous coquette who says she doesn’t want it anymore. She will no doubt take her pick of the adventurers and poodlefakers who cross her path, giving the lucky gallant the ride of his life. And he’ll probably laugh triumphantly when he climaxes, like the despicable bounder that he is.
It all sounds very sordid to me, but maybe she is actually thrilled by the prospect of being ravished and despoiled by a lecherous character. Minor celebrities often acquire peculiar tastes after getting a taste for the high life. I would advise her not to make a video.
Labels: celibacy, hairy legs, Jodie Marsh, poodlefaker
