Wednesday, January 25, 2017


An English “glamour model” has taken the unusual step of banning men from her home:

“I honestly can't bear the thought of letting a man into my house ever again,” tweeted Jodie Marsh. “My house is too beautiful & clean & perfect ... I'm not saying men are untidy or dirty or smelly or unhygienic. Just that in my experience ... well, you know ... Men are like elephants. I appreciate their beauty and I like looking at them but I don't want to own one and I don't want one in my house.”

Given that Ms Marsh has made a handsome living from posing topless in “lads’ magazines”, her tweets may be unhelpful in furthering her career plans. Those who have stared ravenously at her jahoobies don’t want to be told that they’re smelly vagabonds by the owner of the said jahoobies. Publicly banning them from her home may also be counterproductive. They surely never expected to be invited, but now they can’t even fantasize about the possibility.

My mentor, Dr Whipsnade, didn’t allow tramps or vagrants into his impressive mansion, but he never announced it as a policy. If they turned up at his door, they were directed to the garden shed and told to wait for provisions. If you own a big, impressive house, you mustn’t insult the masses by telling them it’s strictly off-limits. That kind of behaviour can provoke a brick through the window. Even the Queen of England invites common folk to her garden parties, serving them an excellent buffet of teacakes and desserts.

So why has Ms Marsh acquired such an aversion to the opposite sex? Part of the reason might be the marriage she is currently in the final stages of dissolving. Her estranged husband was reputedly a man of lowly character with body odour issues. Having a mate who smells bad can put anyone off sex. Ms Marsh expounded on the delights of celibacy in an earlier TV interview conducted in her home:

“I'm celibate again now, because I just like it. I don't want any willies near me. I'm just nothing, I'm asexual.”

When asked about self-love, she said that was a different story and told the interviewer not to rummage in her drawers.

“Because you've got all the implements!” he exclaimed.

I think we can take it as read that the toys in her drawers are giving full satisfaction. If I were her agent, I’d negotiate an endorsement deal on her behalf. Having a nude model say that your device is so effective that she doesn’t need men is a manufacturer’s dream.

It is possible, of course, that Ms Marsh has not dated the right kind of man. Women of her background and appearance tend to attract the coarser variety of suitor. As well as smelling like baboons, such men have an unsubtle approach to the erotic pleasures. Maybe she would have fared better with the smoother type of fellow who showers regularly, uses cologne and keeps his tufts well trimmed. It’s easy to mock the metrosexual dandy, but I bet he gets laid more often than the he-man.

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self-love is the best love! I have it on experience.

now if YOU, noble ape, were to romance me properly...I might reconsider!
I agree. I am very peculiar where and how things in the house should be. I like looking at men too and for sport nookie. Then that's it. I ain't runnin no Howard Johnston's Motor Lodge.
True story: A pretty girl tried to seduce me once but her body odor was so powerful that I couldn't muster even the faintest interest. So the door swings in both directions, dearie.
There's a lot to be said about metrosexuals.
She'll have more men after her than ever before, now that she's said, "no."
I bumped into her once in Essex walking her dog. How did that smell then? These models go a bit daft after their hay day has passed. Keep her inside with her tools, I say.
Anne Marie: You flatter me, Anne Marie, but could I ever match the satisfaction given by a device? I hear the latest ones are very effective. ;)

Mistress Maddie: I bet you could give Ms Marsh a few house-training tips, Mistress. Your houseboys always look well scrubbed and polished to me.

Exile: That's a real shame. It's a pity you didn't have a couple of eunuchs to wash and perfume her for your bed.

Pop Tart: Much has already been said about them. Do you know any, Ms Pop Tart?

Shoshanah: She's certainly made herself a challenge, but how many men will rise to it?

Jules: Really, Jules? I hope you didn't bounce off her too quickly! Good point about the dog, they can be really smelly. I wonder if she takes a bath with it.
Have you seen the size of her jahoobbies? I expect 3 would be a crowd.
I wonder what one would converse about with someone like her? While jahoobies might make a nice conversation piece, then what? Her toys?
I can't get past the woman's comparison of men to elephants, GB. I just never would've considered inviting an elephant to my bedroom or visiting his. Call me strange, I suppose.
Perhaps she ought to try dating a man of less... elephantine proportions? I think a great many lads could spring up to woo her if she presented a vacancy for some modestly-sized (Demure, even!) Dick, Willy or Johnson. Sadly, her point would only be proven that all boys are good at is in making a mess.

Has she tried the company of women?
I can only laugh at this.
This lady sounds like a HUGE pain in the but. I feel bad for the next guy to get with her when she starts allowing "willies" around again. Beware, lads. This a grade A jerk of a woman. You can just tell.
i consider it a great compliment to be compared to a noble elephant.
itsmyhusband: They do look rather large with the naked eye, but I believe it's always possible to create space between them.

Jono: That's a good question. I would ask her if she has any pets.

Robyn: I'm sure you wouldn't, Robyn, but you might look quite good on top of one. Ever ridden an elephant?

Jai: I'm not sure size is her main issue, but I agree she should cast a wider net. I don't she's adventurous enough for lesbianism.

Mary: Well it's better than tickling yourself, Mary!

Ken: A wise warning, Dr Ken. There is no one whose instincts and experience I would trust more!

Mr Rosewater: They're amazing beasts, but they do make a big mess wherever they go.

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