Wednesday, April 05, 2017

Bieber news

You may find this hard to believe, but I’d quite forgotten Justin Bieber existed until last week, when someone sent me a picture of him being fondled by an elderly lady (see above). Living in the jungle means that human celebrities flit in and out of my consciousness like fruit flies. Admittedly, Bieber makes louder and more irritating buzzing noises than the rest of the swarm, but this is the first time I’ve thought about him since the end of the last rainy season.

What are we to make of a grey-haired woman laying hands on Bieber’s naked torso? If Bieber were an ape, no one would raise an eyebrow, because older females are more desirable in our society. Although some of Bieber’s antics remind me of a recalcitrant chimpanzee, it’s unlikely he knows anything about their mating habits. Perhaps a dormant gene from the homo erectus era was activated by his use of narcotics.

Seeing this picture had the unfortunate side effect of making me look for current news stories about Bieber. Apparently, he recently invited a dozen models to join him on a pleasure boat, provided that they (a) relinquished their mobile phones before boarding the vessel and (b) signed a non-disclosure contract. Evidently, Bieber has learned from bitter experience that the hoochies who participate in his butt-naked orgies behave like biologists on a field trip, collecting data and evidence for publication in suitable outlets.

I hope Bieber also took the precaution of partying with the girls in a pitch-black dark room, with only a small torch in his possession to help him locate the choice body parts. It’s possible, of course, that an audacious strumpet might have tried to seize the torch so she could inspect Bieber. A bodyguard would have to be present to discourage such effrontery and eject potential transgressors. Any woman who consorts with Bieber must understand that grabbing his torch is a breach of protocol that won’t be tolerated.

Another piece of news about Bieber concerns a lawsuit in which he was successfully sued for throwing an egg at his neighbour. It seems his avaricious neighbour was not satisfied with the damages of $90,000 he received and is now demanding more cash. I have to admit being on Bieber’s side in this particular dispute. Throwing eggs at people is impious behaviour, but the victim forfeits the moral high ground if he acts like a money-grubbing shyster.

In truth, cash is no compensation for an affront to one’s dignity. If the neighbour had truly felt the insult as keenly as he claims, he should have challenged Bieber to a duel. If Bieber ever throws an egg at me, I will not demand a cent. Nor will I challenge him to a duel (an obvious mismatch). Instead, I will inform Bieber’s lawyer that his client can make amends by spending an hour of quality time with a couple of female gorillas. Yes, it’s true – there are female gorillas who adore the little squirt! 

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eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew! what has been seen cannot be unseen; I think I need a silkwood shower!
I will definitely pass on a cruise with the Biebster.
$90,000 for throwing an egg?!?!? What the hell. Was it a concrete egg?!?!

Would Justine be more comfortable at a lesbian party?
Apparently, childish behavior gets more expensive when you get older. I'm glad I'm unknown and poor enough that people realize suing me for bad behavior would be a waste of everyone's time.
I just found out yesterday that Bieber's Love Yourself was written by Ed Sheeran. It's true! And his original lyric was 'go and fuck yourself' but he knew nobody would get away with it.

Those are your best group of tags yet. Get ready for some viruses on our site.
I've never been a fan of his. I don't listen to his kind of music and most of what we see and hear about him isn't all that good.
I would have believed that female gorillas would have better taste. Maybe they are young and naive.
Anne Marie: Chewing a few cloves should take the bad taste out of your mouth, Anne Marie.

Pop Tart: A wise policy, Ms Pop Tart. You should also consider keeping a can of pepper spray in your bag. You never know when Bieber will turn up.

Mistress: Are you suggesting he's a lesbian in a man's body, Mistress? He's definitely in the closet if he is!

Harry Hamid: You also might have more sense than to throw eggs at people.

Mary: Do you think he needs a good spanking, Mary?

Jono: They see him as the ideal pet, Jono. He's probably easier to train than a meerkat.
god bless the biebs. i wouldn't trust any young guy with a 9 figure net worth who doesn't have a little fun.
Briber... Blech. Why do women want thin child-like fellows like that when they could have a more robust and hirsute fellow like me? I am glad that my wife has no interest in Beiber.
I'd say he's another young talent gone crazy, but he was never talented. Now, he's just a freak. And not the kind I'd ever want to get freaky with. Yuck.
I think it’s known as “Mindful Protection” Mr. Gorilla Bananas. Keeping Bieber images in one’s imagination causes a serious deficiency in taste.
Harold and Maude. The lady is fine, Bieber could use a shirt.
Mr Rosewater: The price of fun goes up when you're worth nine figures. Unless you mean the old lady - she probably didn't charge him anything.

Pipe Tobacco: I share your gladness, Professor. Let nothing come between the conjugal embrace of you and your wife!

Robyn: He's too surly and intemperate for the discerning woman, Robyn. :)

Jules: I hope you're right, Jules! I've seen many sights that I'd like to forget.

Shoshanah: Life imitates art, but only for a brief, shirtless moment.
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