Wednesday, April 05, 2017
Bieber news
You may find this hard to believe, but I’d quite forgotten Justin Bieber existed until last week, when someone sent me a picture of him being fondled by an elderly lady (see above). Living in the jungle means that human celebrities flit in and out of my consciousness like fruit flies. Admittedly, Bieber makes louder and more irritating buzzing noises than the rest of the swarm, but this is the first time I’ve thought about him since the end of the last rainy season.
What are we to make of a grey-haired woman laying hands on Bieber’s naked torso? If Bieber were an ape, no one would raise an eyebrow, because older females are more desirable in our society. Although some of Bieber’s antics remind me of a recalcitrant chimpanzee, it’s unlikely he knows anything about their mating habits. Perhaps a dormant gene from the homo erectus era was activated by his use of narcotics.
Seeing this picture had the unfortunate side effect of making me look for current news stories about Bieber. Apparently, he recently invited a dozen models to join him on a pleasure boat, provided that they (a) relinquished their mobile phones before boarding the vessel and (b) signed a non-disclosure contract. Evidently, Bieber has learned from bitter experience that the hoochies who participate in his butt-naked orgies behave like biologists on a field trip, collecting data and evidence for publication in suitable outlets.
I hope Bieber also took the precaution of partying with the girls in a pitch-black dark room, with only a small torch in his possession to help him locate the choice body parts. It’s possible, of course, that an audacious strumpet might have tried to seize the torch so she could inspect Bieber. A bodyguard would have to be present to discourage such effrontery and eject potential transgressors. Any woman who consorts with Bieber must understand that grabbing his torch is a breach of protocol that won’t be tolerated.
Another piece of news about Bieber concerns a lawsuit in which he was successfully sued for throwing an egg at his neighbour. It seems his avaricious neighbour was not satisfied with the damages of $90,000 he received and is now demanding more cash. I have to admit being on Bieber’s side in this particular dispute. Throwing eggs at people is impious behaviour, but the victim forfeits the moral high ground if he acts like a money-grubbing shyster.
In truth, cash is no compensation for an affront to one’s dignity. If the neighbour had truly felt the insult as keenly as he claims, he should have challenged Bieber to a duel. If Bieber ever throws an egg at me, I will not demand a cent. Nor will I challenge him to a duel (an obvious mismatch). Instead, I will inform Bieber’s lawyer that his client can make amends by spending an hour of quality time with a couple of female gorillas. Yes, it’s true – there are female gorillas who adore the little squirt!
Labels: eggs, Justin Bieber, lawsuits, naked bimbos, pleasure boat
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Wet nurse offer
“Invite them to the Congo!” they demanded. “You’re always telling us how well-connected you are to the English upper classes and how you once refused a knighthood. Get the little princeling over here so we can give him a proper mouthful!”
Obviously, I had to quash this crazy talk.
“No, ladies, no!” I exclaimed. “Gorilla milk is far too rich for human babies. Your creamy boob juice would turn the little tyke into a miniature version of Tarzan. He’d start climbing trees, swinging on vines and emitting silly yodels. Not good preparation for a life of waving to crowds and cutting ribbons and listening to common folk with an interested look on his face.
They grunted in sceptical disappointment. It’s not easy to fob off maternal gorillas with lame excuses.
Before you get the wrong idea, my females are not in thrall to human royalty. We gorillas have zero reverence for puffed-up humans with silly titles. Their yearning to suckle baby George arose entirely from seeing a photo of him in the arms of his slender mother:
“She hasn’t got enough milk in her to feed a baby meerkat!” they jeered.
Cruel words, but they may have a point. If Kate cannot produce sufficient nourishment from her udders, she ought to find a donor rather than using baby formula. Maybe her namesake Kate Winslet would be willing to help out. She’s expecting a baby herself, and must have reached the stage in her marriage where she’s longing for a break from her half-witted husband. Keeping both her boobs occupied with two hungry babies might be just what she needs to take her mind off things.
Another option for the royal parents would be to buy fresh breast milk on the open market. I hear that Chinese women have been selling theirs, mostly to decrepit old men who think it will prolong their lives. How much nicer to be flown to London in a private jet and take turns letting baby George suck their titties dry. There is no reason to suppose that Chinese breast milk is less nourishing than that from Caucasian women. Maybe their diet gives it a sweet and sour flavour, but that shouldn’t bother a blue-blooded baby.
Prince Harry, meanwhile, has been telling everyone how keen he is to fulfil his duties as an uncle:
“I’ll make sure he has fun,” he declared.
I suppose that means he wants to introduce his nephew to as many bimbos he can find who will cavort with him in the nude. What Harry seems to have forgotten is that he’ll be a middle-aged man when George reaches cavorting age. It is by no means certain that the young prince will want to accompany his crinkly-arsed uncle on naked bimbo excursions. Nor can we be sure that naked bimbos will have the same appeal to the next generation of princely gallants, accustomed to virtual reality games and holographic simulations. Programmable bimbos are so much safer than ones who’ll take your picture and sell it to a gossip site.
Labels: breast-feeding, naked bimbos, Prince Harry, royal baby, wet nurse
