Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Wet nurse offer

My females want to breastfeed the royal baby.

“Invite them to the Congo!” they demanded. “You’re always telling us how well-connected you are to the English upper classes and how you once refused a knighthood. Get the little princeling over here so we can give him a proper mouthful!”

Obviously, I had to quash this crazy talk.

“No, ladies, no!” I exclaimed. “Gorilla milk is far too rich for human babies. Your creamy boob juice would turn the little tyke into a miniature version of Tarzan. He’d start climbing trees, swinging on vines and emitting silly yodels. Not good preparation for a life of waving to crowds and cutting ribbons and listening to common folk with an interested look on his face.

They grunted in sceptical disappointment. It’s not easy to fob off maternal gorillas with lame excuses.

Before you get the wrong idea, my females are not in thrall to human royalty. We gorillas have zero reverence for puffed-up humans with silly titles. Their yearning to suckle baby George arose entirely from seeing a photo of him in the arms of his slender mother:

“She hasn’t got enough milk in her to feed a baby meerkat!” they jeered.

Cruel words, but they may have a point. If Kate cannot produce sufficient nourishment from her udders, she ought to find a donor rather than using baby formula. Maybe her namesake Kate Winslet would be willing to help out. She’s expecting a baby herself, and must have reached the stage in her marriage where she’s longing for a break from her half-witted husband. Keeping both her boobs occupied with two hungry babies might be just what she needs to take her mind off things.

Another option for the royal parents would be to buy fresh breast milk on the open market. I hear that Chinese women have been selling theirs, mostly to decrepit old men who think it will prolong their lives. How much nicer to be flown to London in a private jet and take turns letting baby George suck their titties dry. There is no reason to suppose that Chinese breast milk is less nourishing than that from Caucasian women. Maybe their diet gives it a sweet and sour flavour, but that shouldn’t bother a blue-blooded baby.

Prince Harry, meanwhile, has been telling everyone how keen he is to fulfil his duties as an uncle:

“I’ll make sure he has fun,” he declared.

I suppose that means he wants to introduce his nephew to as many bimbos he can find who will cavort with him in the nude. What Harry seems to have forgotten is that he’ll be a middle-aged man when George reaches cavorting age. It is by no means certain that the young prince will want to accompany his crinkly-arsed uncle on naked bimbo excursions. Nor can we be sure that naked bimbos will have the same appeal to the next generation of princely gallants, accustomed to virtual reality games and holographic simulations. Programmable bimbos are so much safer than ones who’ll take your picture and sell it to a gossip site.

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I quite like the idea of Kate Winslet suckling the future king of England... George will have to give her a good wiping down first though; Leonardo Di Caprio has the look of someone who slobbers.
umh...not so sure Ms Winslet would be a good idea. She is rather well endowed. No one wants little George to end up with stretch marks around his royal mouth.
My females want to breastfeed the royal baby.

The best first line to any recent blog
Gorilla, it sounds like you know your stuff on this breast milk thingy. The royals should take you on as an adviser to insure the infant has proper nourishment. If that is Harry in the photo and I assume it is and he doesn't want to wait until the baby gets big enough to prowl, I'd be happy to substitute.
Oh my gosh, so the baby of the century, the one that everyone's been waiting for, has been born! When did that happen then and why was I not informed? They might have at least popped a note through the door so that I could have danced a small jig or cracked a brief half-smile or something. They're calling it "Breast" you say? Odd name for a boy.
Bleh, I can't wait until this royal baby nonsense comes to an end. I can't stand it.
Creamy boob juice! Such a mouthwatering description.

Do you think our little Prince will be like mad King George 111 ? I hope so. And I hope he does chase after bimbos with his crinkly arsed Uncle. I think we need to up our eccentricity a little!
Steve: Ned Rocknroll looks ten times worse than Leo. Kate's nipples will need to be sterilised before she starts suckling.

Joe: Well-endowed is just what a royal baby needs. King Solomon got the perfect start in life from busty Bathsheba.

John Gray: I thought it captured the public mood. There must be countless women who share the aspiration.

David: I don't drink it myself, but I try to keep abreast of developments. I don't believe you need Prince Harry to show you how to have fun. He could surely learn at your feet!

Sir Hutson: Boys can have breasts too, especially if they're taking the hormones. I would write you a reference if you applied for the position of royal baby photographer.

DWei: It's a drag, isn't it? A baby girl would have been more exciting. They could have called her 'Queenie'.

Juliette: If you ever visit the Congo, Jules, I'll make you a gorilla-banana milkshake. I hope Prince George chases fat women, like Professor Peach in The Italian Job.
Please don't say creamy boob juice. That's probably why I get blocked by porn filters every time I try to visit here.

Oh, and I suppose there are no royal simians? You, yourself, are worshiped, are you not? And stop picking on poor Harry. He's a young boy with the type of opportunities that aren't available to the 99%-ers. Can you blame him?
Charlie Sheen didn't seem to let his middle agedness slow his lusty appeal to bimbos... so I don't see why a prince would have any problems. I was never breast fed as a baby and I have been a pitiful excuse for a weakling most of my life. (I don't know if the two things are related, or not.) On the rare occasions when baboons of the wild raise a human child, how do they provide that young babe with nourishment if gorilla milk be too strong for the delicate human digestive system?
It's a baby. Wow, how fantastic.
Who really gives a toss.
Apart from the paparazzi, the glossy mags and the souvenir manufacturers.

They should have named the wee bugger tapeworm, just to remind everyone else what a bunch of parasites the royals are.
There IS a precedent for gorillas nurturing English royalty.
Tarzan WAS Lord Greystoke, after all.
Awww...isn't that cute? Perhaps Harry can let the kid borrow his Nazi costume, teach him how to cheat on tests, and get into bar fights because, hey, all kids need a positive influence in their lives.
That photo is a bit disturbing. Either one. Take your pick.
I'm fairly certain it was this blog where upon I first read about human milk ice cream. Perhaps the royal family's manservants can prepare some human milk dishes so the baby can adapt to solid foods at the proper time. If the Prince can't have a good pot pie in his 20s without getting diarrhea, then he's not fit to wear the crown.

("‘To avoid coeliac disease, for example, there is an optimal period for the introduction of wheat between four and six months. Introducing it before four months and after eight months actually increases the risk of disease. Introducing foods in this middle period may well be true for other allergies as well.’"
That's an unusual thing for Uncle Harry to say. He's assuming baby George won't have fun growing up with his mommy and daddy in the royal castle? Oh yeah, he does have a point. So maybe he means he'll recruit a girl much younger than him to show the boy a good time. (?)

Exile: I get blocked for writing "creamy boob juice"? Man, that's heavy censorship. Saying I'm worshipped is an exaggeration - I am merely adored. And only by people who saw me perform in the circus.

Jimmy: Are you implying baboon milk is the same as gorilla milk? What kind of nonsense talk is that? You might have been a different person if you'd been raised on gorilla milk. Your chest would be hairier for one thing.

TS Bastard: Didn't a Maori once show the Queen his arse? I'd like to see you do it on the next royal visit to New Zealand.

Al: Being a lord doesn't make you royal unless you kill the sovereign and crown yourself. That's an old trick from the War of the Roses. Greystoke renounced his peerage so he could live in the jungle. That's what being suckled by an ape does to you.

HermanTurnip: I doubt Prince George will want a fellow with ginger-hair to be his mentor.

Ruth: I hope they won't give you nightmares.

Chris V: I'm fairly certain you first read it here too, Chris! Milk dishes are not a bad idea, but a royal baby should get some from the teat as well.

Robyn: I'm sure Harry would like to do that, Robyn, but maybe Prince George will do his own recruiting.
So you believe the royal booby won't be sufficient for the royal baby? Quite likely. Though I think a bit of gorilla milk may be just what is needed to make the future British royalty a bit more interesting
Having seen Titanic numerous times, I can guarantee Kate Winslet's breasts are fabulous and she would make an excellent wet nurse. Also, I think we need to have a new reality show called Prince Harry's naked bimbo excursions. Prince Harry or Harry Hill optional. x
from what i gather little george is quite the queue jumper. he's passed harry and andy etc to be 3rd in line for the big job so i guess he could jump the queue for milk too.
I can almost picture Prince Harry being Prince Georgie's wing-man.

another hope to marry a prince is born for all the little girls in england. will be quite a story to see this one marry out.
Doctor: More interesting, certainly, but not necessarily more regal.

Scarlett: I share your admiration of Kate's adornments, Miss Scarlett. I've paid homage to them in several posts. Prince Harry might appeal to the coarser elements of the Reality TV audience.

Billy: Yes, he's lucky to be the first born of the first born of the first born.

Cocaine Princess: Would Harry be a helpful wingman? He might try to steal the show with his own aerobatics.

Jaya: I'm not sure what "marrying out" means these days for the royals. Do you think he could marry a Frenchwoman?
I for real didn't know that.
See? We CAN learn from our fellow primates.
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